My mother has been living in an apartment very close to our home for 2 years. They recently increased her rent pretty drastically as our neighborhood is becoming very expensive to live in, and many people are getting priced out of the area. She's retired and has very limited income. We have been helping her pay her rent and it is not a problem for us but my mother hates it. It makes her depressed to take money from us but my husband does not mind helping her financially as she moved across the country to be close to us and our 17 month old son 2 years ago.
We just found out she is number 2 on a waiting list for an affordable senior apartment ,but we don't know how long it will take, and she only has a month left on her existing lease. She could rent month to month so she would not have to pay to break a lease or worry about moving should the senior apt. come up before a year is up, but that is even more expensive. Again, my husband does not mind helping out with that.
She recently asked to live with us until she gets the call for her new place because she is very upset about the increase. The problem is that we don't know if it will be 2 months or a year or more. If it's a short time, it's ok but I worry about us all living in the same house for one year. She stayed with us for 2 months 2 years ago and she was really angry when she moved out to her new place although she said she wanted to be on her own. My husband is worried about privacy if it becomes a long term situation, and I worry a bit that I will argue a lot with her as that is what usually happens when we are together too much. I also worry a lot about the 2 of them getting on each other's nerves. They get along ok but are not very close. I told her not to worry that we would pay month to month for her until the senior place comes up, but she gave me a guilt trip and she said it was clear to her that we didn't want her in our house. She is over our almost every day and we include her in almost everything we do. She even asks to come to some events she knows about. In general, my husband and I usually just have evenings and Saturdays to ourselves and Sundays we all spend together but I see her every day as she helps me with my son. On the one hand I feel like I should let her move in, but on the other she doesn't have to - she's settled in her place and my husband is happy to help her financially but wants us to have our own space for our family. The guilt just takes over because she's pushing to live with us temporarily but I'm afraid living together long term will be stressful. I also think she will have a hard time moving out if she gets used to being here and be angry again. I feel a bit selfish but also feel I need to guard the peace with my husband. He's not really into having inlaws live together but helping them financially is fine for him.
If you can afford to pay the increased month to month, do so, considering it an investment in a healthy, sound marriage and family. Also, it's normal, reasonable and healthy to have a life separate from your mom. There is absolutely no cause for guilt if you want to do an activity with friends or just your husband and child. I really suggest that you start this separation now while she's young enough and able to create her own social network, because I can pretty much guarantee that your husband and child will resent not being able to have them as your focus.
As for the guilt, it's helped me repel guilt trips by regarding them as a cruel action that does not come from a place of love. It's the intentional manipulation of a persons emotions, creating a negative feeling, to coerce that person to do as you wish.
There are many wise words on this forum about dealing with fear, guilt and obligation. Hopefully the postings can help you.
Read the stories here and you'll read many for whom bringing mom home was not good for the person's life and marriage.
If you don't give in and do it, you will feel guilty. That is not reasonable or rational, but it is extremely common and you might not be able to talk yourself out of it.
So what? Enduring some uncomfortable unearned feelings of guilt doesn't begin to compare to the potential awful feelings that could emerge from having another adult intrude on your family life.
Just Don't Do It!