Hi,
My mom has had a caregiver for 13 years since she had a surgery. She came most days for about 3-4 hours a days for years and then moved farther away and was able to come only three days a week. My mom made do with me ordering Door Dash meals on off days. She needs more help and so I hired a geriatric care manager who brought in a new caregiver two more days a week. They charge $39/hour. She has been paying the previous helper $30/hour.
The old caregiver said that she was going to write herself the checks for $40/hour from now on since that's what that other 'fat incompetent girl' is being paid. I don't know how she found out but it's not important. She already was paying herself for hours she doesn't work and had charged items on my mom's Costco card in the past as well.
My mom has been completely dependent on her since I live far away. She really likes how take-charge and outgoing she is and doesn't like other caregivers much usually. Finding new caregivers and training them is more than I can really deal with. We are at this person's mercy. My mom has refused to move closer to me or into assisted living. I told her she has a year and will have to leave her house when she turns 90 (she just turned 89), but this new development with her old caregiver may speed things up. She will now be paying $4000/month for 22 hours/week of care while living on a reverse mortgate. It's not sustainable.
Is this elder abuse? And if so, does it really change anything? We still need this person and I don't have the ability to fire her right away without upending my life. What do people do in these situations?
My heart goes out to you and you have what it takes to get thru this.
I believe you mentioned you had a DPOA. This is a "durable POA" which normally has the verbiage you don't need a doctors diagnosis of your mother's incapacity to act on her behalf.
It is durable -therefore- immediately in effect. There normally is also a clause which states your mother can remove you at any point. this can be a fly in the ointment with a stubborn or confused or frightened senior. Which your mom is all of them. As all living creatures have comfort in routine - change or potential change is a very, scary, threatening thought.
This was the pickle I was in when my father was absolutely not able to handle anything and it took me months to find two (he required that) necessary to make it impossible to remove me. This was important because he would get lucid moments and pick up the phone with the bank or make demands in person when someone gave into his demands to go. It was a mess. You can better gauge your mom if something like that is necessary.
It is very important to start and stay organized. Start an accordian file keeper with all of her important documents, receipts, contracts, etc. After three years of this, my file keeper is a full file drawer.
Set up a drive on your computer with matching folders because some of this will only come electronic. Create an email for your mom "MomHelpTeam@email.xyz" whatever you use, that way when you do get online access - all her info goes separate from yours.
Most of this stuff these days you are going to leave paperless but getting a good habit of downloading them and renaming them with intelligence goes a long way. All statements would say Estatement with a long string of numbers. I will rename the download "BoA_2024.01.pdf which means Bank of America Jan. 2024.
This helped me since I would sit down to do "Dad" yoga - every morning for 15 minutes these days, it would all be in one place and I would not get distracted. In the beginning it was more time/nerve consuming. I called it Dad Yoga since taking care of it regularly as routine helped untwisted the mess over time.
this is an example.
1) Power Pack & Signature Docs -
DPOA, Last Will & Testament, Deed to House, Contracts, Birth Certificate, etc
This is in a quick grab and bring to bank, lawyer, agency. Having the electronic copies all in one place to zip up and send to a lawyer is a time saver.
2) Bank & Credit Card Statements
3) Legal & Accounting
a)Lawyer Engagement & Correspondence
b) IRS
c) Social Security
d) Mortgage Docs
4) 123 Main Street Upkeep
a) Property Taxes
b) Water/Gas/Electric
c) Phone/TV
d) One off repairs
e) home owners
5) routine contractors (bugs, garbage, etc)
5) Mom Upkeep
a) doctors
b) care agency 1
c) offers from facilities
d) care giver x,y,z
e) receipts for devices
f) insurance
Remember you are going to establish an electronic identity for yourself as your mom's DPOA not faking that you are your mom. My brother did this for a while and wham some two step authentication check locked everything up.
It was a good suggestion to get to her bank and get new checks cut and your name added as authorized signature -she will need to be declared incapacitated to have her signature authority removed. Your name does not need to be on them. At this bank visit you get your online access.
The bank might want her to confirm that from her home phone to have you added as authorized to the bank account. Credit cards are even with the name of the bank on them - go thru their "central process center" and will take a month or so. The branch manager normally will not be able to help with this. On your next visit from her listed house phone you can get a new card issued.
When you have so much in your own life and now you need to be disciplined and take that extra step to be organized.
And when you are done with your morning yoga, breath in/out.
I wanted to add my support and reassurance to you at this point.
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You've already completed significant hard work clarifying what steps you need to take to solve things. Good job! The roadmap ahead may consist of "clear, simple" steps, but each step is typically very complicated, confusing, frustrating and time consuming to execute.
I think you're handling the 'lost illusions learning curve of caregiving" legalities and dilemmas well. I don't think it's possible to avoid feeling overwhelmed by it all. The caregiver overwhelm mode can feel like you're being slammed by a tidal wave....Or like doing complicated IRS tax returns times ten. Or doing taxes while you're being slammed by a tidal wave haha. It's HARD, really tough stuff to take on.
You're doing great. Just keep going at a pace that you can handle. Don't put additional pressure on yourself by assuming that this situation can be solved fast. You will get "there" just dealing with things one step at a time. No one expects miracles or for the moon to align with Mars for things to fall into place. They won't fall into place and this will be hard, demanding work to accomplish. But it's obvious that you have what it takes to prevail and get things settled in a good way for your mother and yourself.
And I respect that you're standing up for yourself and refusing to accept one iota of guilt from strangers or muddle into past family dynamics. That's in the past and not your fault, don't go there or let anyone push you there. Just deal with the present time and the future.
Give yourself a ton of credit - you deserve it.
Someone else on this forum recently responded to another poster’s dilemma that it’s OK to give up the bid for sainthood. Don’t need to be a saint. Just need to do it as humanly possible to make the best out of a bad situation.
I am happy to see that you have PoA. I hope that you will be able to find a viable solution soon.
Living further away from your mom complicates things further. Plus, your mom isn’t being cooperative.
You really don’t have any other choice but to set strict boundaries. You’re exactly right, sooner or later money is going to run out.
As far as the previous caregiver goes, she knows that you are dependent upon her services and she feels like you owe her the same amount as you are paying the agency.
You don’t owe her anything more than what you initially agreed upon. It is up to you what she is paid. She is working for you. If she isn’t satisfied, she is free to look for employment elsewhere.
A good caregiver is worth their weight in gold. This woman doesn’t seem to fit the bill. She sounds like she is a thorn in your side.
There are pros and cons to all situations. You are the only one who can determine what is best for you.
I wouldn’t be comfortable with an employee writing her own checks and telling you what to pay her.
I know that your mom has a history with this woman and your mother was vulnerable. The caregiver took advantage of this as an opportunity for her own benefit. Now, you are stuck with cleaning up the mess.
Your mom’s caregiver certainly knows that you are paying the agency more because the agency charges a fee for their services.
The original caregiver has a right to work independently and make more money than if she were employed by an agency but she doesn’t have a right to give herself a raise.
How many people can give themselves a raise? No one I know! They can negotiate for more money.
A person will have to prove that they deserve to be paid more. They can’t just demand more money if their services aren’t up to par, especially if they have a cocky attitude like this woman does.
If back when I was still doing caregiving if I had a 13 year position and that client and their family brought in an agency-hired caregiver that they pay more for, I'd be rather put out. In fact, I'd tell both you and your mother to go (something) yourselves and walk away. Lucky for you and your mother this caregiver doesn't do that.
You state in your post here that your mother is completely dependent on this caregiver yet you expect her to behave like an obedient servant. So, who is she supposed to be answering to, if she is the person who has been left in charge and totally responsible for your mother?
Why is she allowed to give herself a raise and also write her own paychecks out of your mother's bank account? This is highly inappropriate. You should have a local contact who checks up on your mother and who the aide can submit a time-sheet to and who she will receive her paycheck from. I get why she's angry though. If your mother can afford to give $40 an hour to an agency, she can afford to give it to her.
How I do business is I will not take on case for an elderly person if they do not have a local contact that can be called upon if necessary. Local as in they can get in their car and be at the client's home or the hospital in a little while. I do not allow clients to be completely dependent on my caregivers and agency for every need they have.
Your mother should not be completely dependent on a caregiver for every need either. This creates a bad situation. Your mother needs to move.
"The agencies all charge $40/hour. The other caregiver is private and under the table so we get no insurance, bonding, etc. for her but she doesn't pay taxes. The new caregiver is through an agency and probably only makes half of what we pay. This was a stopgap measure as an act of desperation...........etc"
Shiren, at this point your "old caregiver" (who I agree with others may not be on the up and up) poses a threat to you. She can claim injury. What then for your mother and you with a lawsuit? Especially if she says you are paying her under the table. Because while it is illegal for her not to pay taxes, it is also illegal for YOU to knowingly hire her in the manner you have.
I am now concerned that if you do not pay her the rate you are paying your other caregiver you are in for it. But I also would tell her that you will have to file tax forms and hire her formally for that rate.
I would at this point consider speaking to an elder law attorney. She could cause trouble for you if she goes to an attorney. And could likely get one FREE.
It's guaranteed mutual destruction if one person reports on the situation. So no one will.
If the elder finds it hard to self-run their help, family can step in. But the needs & management needs grows.. Mission Creep (you have been living it!)
Good on you for getting a Geri Manager. (Many set themself on fire instead). But do check this is actually an improvement.
If home care is no longer working well, due to whatever (lack of staff, less than optimal staff, high costs, Mom's refusal to allow new staff), well.. Seems your Mother has some decisions to make about how she lives.
Is it time to consider assisted living? Be more social.
Get yourself well again & properly over that awful Covid. Added stress could add to any post virus brain-fog.
$40 an hour?? I'm sorry, but that's highway robbery. And you admit this woman writes her own paychecks? And uses mom's Costco card and, what else? Oh, she sounds delightful in the mix (heavy on the sarcasm there).
This is why you really need to go through an agency. When there are issues, the agency handles them. Bookkeeping is a big deal. The CG's log hours and what they did during their shift. I'm afraid you're being taken advantage of, big time.
If it's simply not possible to stand up to your mom, tell her exactly how many months she has with private CG's before she will not have the choice of choosing her CG's. She'll be in a NH, and maybe not a nice one. I'm not trying to say that you should scare her, but since she's private paying for all this--she should know the gravy train is going to be empty pretty soon.
Also reevaluate whether your current geriatric care manager is actually helping you or making things harder for you. It sounds like quite possibly you could get better results by also firing the geriatric care manager (has the geriatric care manager been beneficial to you in any way?) and deal directly with a reputable caregiver agency for new in-home caregivers.... and.... probably consider getting a consultation with an elder law attorney regarding the caregiver who has been stealing and how to handle the home sale/reverse mortgage situation.
Sounds like there's a real goat rodeo going on at your mother's house with too many highly paid "professionals" who are not only unhelpful but actually making things worse.
Should be fairly simple to address:
1- find a reputable caregiver agency in your mother's city. Contact them by phone and explain your situation. Get the ball rolling with them.
2- Fire the old caregivers when the replacement caregivers are available to start the job.
3- Fire the geriatric care manager if you think this is an expense that has little value.
4- Elder Law Attorney consultation.
5- Celebrate - yay, you did it! Good job.
It's pretty much that simple.
You can explain that the care in home will not be sustainable at these rates for very long, and then you can move your mom when they are NOT sustainable. Her being out of the home will result in the reverse mortgage loan coming due. Home will be sold. The proceeds will sustain mom in care so long as she can afford it. Mom will go on Medicaid when she is out of funds.
It seems pretty clear cut to me. The new caregiver IS getting quite an exorbitant rate, and that is where I personally would begin cutting costs. I would find another caregiver who would work at the rate you are paying. In fact ask your long term caregiver to assist you in finding one and tell her you are no more pleased with this high rate than she is. Ask her to find a friend she can work with well and at her rates and it's settled.
Eventually these in home care things atttempted from out of town, to be honest, become impossible.
What I would do is tell the care manager to start looking for a replacement. That caregiver has gotten too comfortable in her job. Mom has allowed her too much freedom. When she finds one, then give the old one a pink slip and have her leave that day with 2 weeks severance. The manager needs to be there to make sure nothing is taken. All locks should be replaced. Credit cards froze and the bank notified that no checks, other than the last two, should be cashed by that caregiver. If she is adding hours not worked and charging items to Moms credit card, she has done other things. Taken toilet paper, paper towels, food. Other items. The woman is a thief.
It may not be elder abuse on the part of first caregiver, but it certainly is insubordination and should not be tolerated. If you have actual concrete proof of stealing, then a police complaint might be in order, but be careful about slinging such accusations.
Why don't you fire first caregiver and add hours with second caregiver? I know, I know, your mom has refused, refused, and she doesn't like most caregivers so she's going to refuse some more. Here's a secret: Mom doesn't get to run the show! That's right! She qualifies as a Senior Brat. She needs to be reined in and given the straight skinny. 1) You are in charge. 2) If she insists on not liking the caregivers you hire, she can go to assisted living, where she'd be better off with activities, friends, attention, meals and a solid routine. Get her into a nice place, stop the reverse mortgage nonsense, sell her home to pay for her care, and you can stop dealing with the three-ring circus at mom's.
Mom really belongs in a facility, so start looking. No matter what mom says she will or won't do.
"But my mom won't---" She'll have to if you give her no other choice.
I only just got POA two months ago so this is all hitting like a ton of bricks.