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She is so sure, day and night, that her husband is still with her. The picture talks to her and she even has tried to feed him. She states that he is her husband and she is required to take care of him. She even has gone as far as to say he needs new clothes and shoes. But then states that she knows he can't do anything, that he just sits there and that he will go away some day. Very confused.

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It is so emotionally unsettling to watch our LOs do things such as this. I'm sorry you must watch this every day. I think it's ok to "humor" your mom if it keeps her from becoming depressed or agitated. On a practical level, has she been formally diagnosed with cognitive issues, dementia, or ALZ? If not, it is recommended as you may be able to help her (and yourself) with medications (like anti-depressants, etc).

Besides all the other challenges of aging, loneliness and depression are a constant problem. Mix in cognitive changes and we can only imagine how it causes their worlds to go off kilter. I grew up with an aunt for 20 years who no long knows who I am but also accuses me of very egregious things and gets very angry. I try so hard to remember her as who she used to be. It's very difficult. Blessings to you. Hang in there.
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CSK1957 Jul 2019
Thank you for the kind words. She has been diagnosed with beginnings of dementia. We have another appointment in December and I am hopeful more testing will take place.

As for your Aunt, it is hard when they forget who you are and even harder for us to keep remembering that her reactions are from this horrible disease and it truly isn't her. I send my blessing to you, as well.
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I too am wondering if your mom has been diagnosed with dementia.

Talking to a picture of her late husband as if he were there is harmless unless she is also exhibiting other odd behaviors. If it brings her comfort I don't see the harm in it.
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About the only thing you can do with this magical thinking is to go along with it. It's real to her and in a sense he really is with her. Interesting that she knows he will someday go away. My mom one day asked me what will happen if she forgets my dad because she knows she has forgotten just about everyone else. She asked this as if he was all she had to remember. So far she has not forgotten him and sometimes doesn't know he is gone.
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Yeah, just roll with it. If it makes her happy and isn’t hurting anything, eh. Her brain is broken, but also she may not be able to accept he is gone.
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I should ask questions to encourage your mother to talk about her husband (not your father, then?) and reminisce about her life in general. She's just missing him, and moving back to that layer of memory and experience which makes more sense to her now that the present day has become confusing. But her awareness that she knows he can't do anything and that one day he'll be gone again shows that she does have at least some sort of grasp on her own reality.

In any case this must be hard for you, but I hope if you use it as a conversation starter it will be more interesting and less sad.

No other, recent changes worrying you?
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CSK1957 Jul 2019
I do ask questions, but wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing? There are many things changing, I do worry that she is now saying she doesn't want to go out because he needs taken care of. Everyday there is a new worry for her, but we talk it through and I am hopeful she will be able to continue to do so at least a little while longer.

Thank you for the advice.
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I would let it be, gives her something to do, and right now it is harmless.
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Let her have the picture. She is coping with life the best she can, she is self comforting and for that you should be grateful.

I wouldn't remind her that he is gone or that she is talking to a picture, just breeze past it.
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My mother does the same thing, although not to the same extent ie: trying to feed the photo or saying he needs new clothing, etc. She says he's in bed with her at night, sleeping next to her, and who's to say his soul ISN'T with her at all times? I honestly believe he IS with her, frankly, because life is eternal, and the soul goes on after the physical body. This belief brings our mothers comfort, and that is a good thing, so there is no need, in my opinion, to dispel their thinking as 'magical' or 'delusional' or a byproduct of dementia. Seeing mice running along the floor when there aren't any is a byproduct of dementia...........this may be genuine visits from the Other Side, which is a much nicer concept! Plus, it helps my mother accept that her eventual death won't be such a bad thing after all.......because dad WILL be there to greet her.
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CSK1957 Jul 2019
I do believe that in some way he is with her. Thinking back about when this started, she was questioning what happened to him as he was cremated. In her confusion, I think all of a sudden she doesn't understand why she didn't get to say good-bye as she did with other loved ones. A funeral sometimes is the finality for someone and maybe that is why she really believes he is still here? There was a memorial service, where this picture was displayed and his family talked about him, but his physical presence was not there. So, the picture, to her, is him? I guess I have been thinking about this quite a lot and maybe came to somewhat of a conclusion. Or, it's just what happens to someone in her condition?
Your comment about your father being there to greet your mother was helpful. I can see that this would be a comfort to my own mother.

Thank you.
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As long as the conversations are not upsetting, scary let her have her conversations. Tell her to tell dad that you are thinking about him and say HI.
As far as the new clothes and shoes redirect her and tell her that he looks just fine wearing what he is wearing. If there is another photo of him in other clothes you might want to bring that out just so she can see that he has a change of clothes with him.
This is one thing that you don't have to stress about as long as it is not upsetting to her and it does not sound like it is.
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It isn't clear to me if your mother has been diagnosed with, or is manifesting other symptoms of dementia as well? If this is not dementia is may be reaching more into the realm of mental illness. I am assuming you have had to to the doctor? If this is dementia, the it is simply a part of the dementia. Best not to argue with her, and give the picture a good coating of shellac so that you can move any food stains off if they ruin it. Even for the VERY sane and those without even a smidge of dementia, the loss of a life mate can be very devastating. My own Mom would watch the film Ghost over and over and over again, and she did feel my Dad's presence with her at times. One glass of wine would have him showing up almost certainly. It's such a profound life change, it is almost not to be taken in by the sane mind.
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She'd rather not go out, and he's as good an excuse as any!

But that is a worry - are you making regular reports to your mother's doctor? Always do report changes in her functioning or her behaviour, and keep a journal.
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My grandmother did this with photos and TV Guide covers. She didn't experience paranoid fears, nor did she express irrational anger. Over time (a long, long time) we learned to accept her new world ... without living in it ourselves.
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