Looking for recommendations on work/life balance with living and caring for my elderly MIL?

Is it also possible that a parent gets killed from the caregiver's too stressed situation like a caregiver may commit suicide? It's just not worth the price to keep a loved one home when facilities are available for her care beyond your capacity. Yes, they are expensive but may save someone's life. Forget the inheritance since all money goes for her care.

It sounds to me like Dementia, narcissism, and cultural expectations. I would either get someone in to take care of her and move your office space or her bedroom if you can. Truly, it’s time for a nursing home. You could still oversee her care, do her laundry weekly, etc., but at least you would be free to live your life and not have your health, work and family life suffer. It’s not possible to be two places at once, or provide the level of care if she will not leave her bed. You can’t lift her to change her bottom five times a day, wash her body, hand feed her, get her to the doctors, deal with her yelling for you every five minutes. Her mind is declining. She will continue to get worse with her behavior and ability to do anything for herself as the dementia progresses. You have a job that requires your time so that you can pay your bills. You can’t be a full time caregiver too. She needs too much care and attention to be living in your home for your and her situation. Many nursing homes allow food deliveries and they usually have someone to assist with that. You and your husband together need to gently explain to her about moving into a nursing facility because neither of you can meet her demands/needs for care. Its not possible. You are already getting burnt out. Save your health and relationship with your husband before you can’t. I know of a caregiver that committed suicide from caregiving to family members. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s time. Don’t feel guilty at all. You’re not Superwoman, or possess super powers. All the best to you. Praying for your peace.

Time for her to move to assisted living.

If mom speaks no English, I'm going to speculate that her culture may be one where son takes mom/relatives in when they can no longer take care of themselves. So you may be dealing with what is normal and accepted by daughters-in-law in their culture, but not necessarily how you were reared. This is also two women in the same household with ties to the same man. She thinks she's in charge because she's his mother and you are actually the lady of the house - so a little competition, true.

Assuming you work at home and hubby outside the house. If you're job was outside the house, there would have to be other arrangements to have someone with mom during the day, right? I think I'd go at it from that angle and discuss with hubby that if you can't contribute your 8 hours to your job without someone yelling in the background, you'll be losing your job and the income that goes with it. Perhaps someone can come in for a few hours when mom's friend isn't there.

I would also discuss with hubby that mom insisting on being in bed all day is going to create a fast decline in what she is able to do. Not doing the exercises is another way her mobility is going to decline. Ask him if he is willing to watch her go downhill, when it could be delayed, to the point she really cannot do anything herself. Because at that point, it's going to take 24 hr care and with both of you working, that care will come out of everyone's pocket - it's quite expensive. If he can see it from that point of view, the next conversation is with her. She is laying in bed too much and refusing to exercise so it seems she needs more care that you all can provide --- a nursing home is equipped to take care of someone who can do nothing for themselves --- is that something she wants to do. Giving her the option may open her eyes that she needs to work a little harder to stay strong and moving around.

If you get no where with either of them, then tell hubby he needs to hire some in-home care during the hours you work. Period. Give him a deadline to hire someone using her money for her care, talking to siblings to pay for her care, or arranging siblings to come in to take care of her so you don't lose your job.

* You must learn to set boundaries - figure out what you will and will not do.
- If you do not set boundaries, she will continue to behave as she is (exhausting you). She knows what she can do / ask of you / or tell you... unless you say "No, not now... or ... "Call your son, he can help you with that." However you need to re-program the pattern that has been created ... you can be NICE and STERN / CLEAR. She will challenge you (somehow - not speaking English; perhaps you speak her language - ?).
- Tell your husband he needs to take the lead - it is his mother. "Just" because you work at home doesn't mean she is your 100% responsibility.

- Have a 'sit down' talk with your husband once you WRITE OUT what you will and will not do so it is in black and white. Writing it out first will also help you decide what you will / want / won't do / will do once/month, once/week, etc. Perhaps create a spread sheet if this works for you. It can be changed at any time.

* If husband is not willing to do more, hire someone at his mother's or his expense someone to manage more of what you've taken on.

* Get a lock on your office and bedroom door so MIL doesn't just walk in unannounced.

YOU MUST get the breaks you need. More than that, you need to have ongoing support / respites / for hours or days in-between.

Create a realistic schedule for yourself - 4 hours a day? 2-3 eight hour days?

Whatever you decide you can manage, while maintaining your sanity, equanimity, emotional / psychological balance.

STAND YOUR GROUND. You deserve a life. And, a quality life for yourself, alone, and a quality life with your husband.

We, here, (or I certainly) I support you 110%. Some here are martrys and will exhaust themselves out of a psychological belief system that causes them to believe they do not have a choice. You have a choice. Do not be anyone's doormat.

You need to return to 'you' and know you have a 'you' inside you that needs you. (A bit of comic relief, but YOU get the picture).

Gena / Touch Matters

Daytime program for MIL may not be enough since the nighttime may also be interrupted when you require your rest so you can work and live your own life balance as well.

So, tell your husband that if your MIL cannot take care of her minimum activities of daily living, she is required to be placed into a facility where she will leave you peace, privacy and space.

Put her into an adult daycare program near you. That gets her out of the house several hours/day. It forces socialization. It give her things to do and complain about. Also, look for an adult ESOL program. She needs to be able to communicate with others. Don't ask her, sign her up and send her like sending a kid to school. You are not a slave. If hubby can't understand this, he gets to do his share of laundry, shopping, cooking and cleaning since you apparently have two full time jobs, and one of them is actually HIS job that was foisted on you.

TAW5106: This dynamic is not working. It must be amended, else you fall over from exhaustion. Something is very amiss with your MIL shouting orders at YOU left and right, e.g. 'get my Taco Bell order NOW' with zero regard to your work meeting, refusing to leave her bed, but suddenly all is right with the world when her friend arrives; she miraculously makes a recovery. Add in the fact that your DH (Dear Husband) likes to have people over every weekend, which begs the question - who is doing the leg work to entertain these people? If everything remains status quo, this living arrangement is doomed for failure.

Firstly , perhaps should have had more information about previous living situation. Also, what do docs say about her current situation ..does she have limitations? Seems like she might be one that expects her sons , and their wives to wait on her. Would be interesting to know if both places the wives bore the brunt of her care. If it means more work for you then hubby needs to help more. So, even if if just means more laundry or cleaning he needs to do some of that now. If her friend is able then she can take her out for lunch and you could instead go with your husband , you need some couple time as well. She needs to do for herself as much as she can. Not doing so will only cause more deterioration. If she can’t fit into your household then plans should be made to move her to a different place.

Work/life balance 🤔

MIL's needs/DH's needs/your needs balance?

What's the score here? 70/20/10??

Can you take a lovely week holiday for yourself? Pack a bag, jump in your car, head for the hills, a cabin, a beach. Just you, maybe with your laptop to continue working?

"Dear Family, I will be taking a week's leave the week after next, starting X date. I require some time & space for myself + my work. I trust you can arrange replacement help if you require it. Take care, TAW".

Nothing like some full-time hands-on for some reality to descend onto your husband. On return, have a long chat: to reassess the whole living with MIL plan.

sounds a little like you are overwhelmed and depressed; and that MIL is the reason. Pack her on her way. She doesn't want to do what you ask and your life is that busy then yes...get to going woman. I would suggest to her friend that comes over all the time maybe since you are here so often she should just live with you. Hire a maid and nurse assistant and take it out of your husbands spending money, tell him you didn't marry his mother. BUT first talk to him and give him one week, don't feel bad or take excuses of half the work he says he will help with because you are just pulling the bandage off slowly for when two three months down the road you have a melt down. If she wants attention tell her there are senior citizen acting classes she can attend and she can call an uber to take her.

Tell Husband that the current setup will no longer work. For you to continue working, you will need an office outside the home. Of course that means that he will have to pay for someone to sit with his mother during working hours.

That person can be paid enough to clean and do laundry, since there is no personal care of MIL involved. Solves a few problems. Let him know that the remaining housework/MIL chores will need to be divided 50-50. Your work is as important to you as his is to him. And it is his Mother.

If he does not like this solution, let him provide a different one. Until then, move your work to a point farthest from MIL’s bedroom even if in the basement or garage. You need some sanity and peace to work.

BTW, you complained about her disturbing you during working hours, yet when she upset you you texted your husband while he worked. Pot, kettle.

This is how it is, your home your rules. Is it possible to move her room or your office? Maybe a sit down with DH and then DH and Mom. First DH, tell him its not working with his mother because she does not understand what working from home means. It means that you time clock in and you time clock out. You must be available when ur bosses need you. That you are not her slave. That she and her friend leave a mess for you. You can't do both, so something has to give. If he wants u to continue working, then u cannot care for her too. You don't mention her age but if she is capable she should be doing for herself, otherwise, ur disabling her. She should be keeping her area clean and picking up after herself and friend. You saw how when you got firm with her she did what she was told. You may just need to be a b***h until she gets the point. I agree that DH should deal with her but when he doesn't then you need to.

Then DH, u and Mom sit down. Tell her the honeymoon is over. If she wants to stay there, she has to do things for herself. You are not her slave. That doing a job at home is just like doing any other job. You report in at a certain hour and clock out at a certain hour. There can be no interruptions in that time. You are being paid to work and be available to your boss. If she cannot care for herself, then maybe she will need to move to an AL where she can get help when she needs it. She is to wash her own clothes, clean up her room and messes. Clean up after her friend. These are not your responsibility. You do all this by looking her in the eye, keeping you voice at one level, no hollering, and being firm like u were with the seat. She needs to know whose house this is and that she is lucky you took her in. And I would say that, she has burned her other bridges so this is her last chance. Being her husbands Mother does not give her the right to run rough shod over u. You owe her nothing.

My daughter works from home. She put a no solicitation sign next to her front door. When her door is closed, family and friends have been told that means she is working. No phone calls during certain times. So far, seems to work.

She is an adult having a tantrum. Yes she is pulling your husbands attention from you. She needed that shout and do not feel bad about it! I remember when my grandmother lived with us and my grandmother pulled the same stunt. My father took her aside, I couldn't hear what was said but my grandmother never did anything like that again as I can remember. Stand your ground and she will learn what is required of her.

You are being played. She can't get up and do anything around the house but, she can get out and about to go eat and have friends visit. Yep, she is playing you for a chump.

No! It is a complete sentence and requires no explanation.

These situations only work if they work for everyone, it isn't working for you, time for your MIL to find a different household to suck dry or go to a facility, doesn't matter where she goes, just so she's gone.

Stand up for yourself and tell your husband you can't do this any longer, it's okay to admit defeat.

I've read that families have been destroyed for letting in a loved one to live with them.

God, what a mess with your situation! Please tell your husband to place his mother in a facility. Forget about her money that all goes for her care. Your job Your and Own Family is Your priority. If you lose your job, you may lose your house as well.

In short, I think it's time for AL.

I think she enjoys running everyone around.

She may destroy your marriage & sanity if you let her. Please consider other options that don't include her living with you.

Sending supportive energy.

This is your MIL, right, not your M as on your profile? You need to stop the situation SOON.

It’s difficult to believe that your MIL has not had adequate opportunities to learn to read and write, and to learn at least SOME english language. It wouldn’t surprise me if she doesn’t understand how to use the washing machine either. If she has refused to learn or never bothered, it virtually proves that she expects to live life on her terms, and to be waited on by other people in many many ways (even if she was a good manual and domestic worker). That’s a life-time position that you are not going to change. It’s not even ‘learned helplessness', it’s permanent helplessness. You are stuck with it forever, unless you and your husband change yourselves.

My suggestions would be:
1) Tell ‘friend’ that she can take MIL for an outing, but not do a visit inside your house. You are working from home, it’s not convenient. Stick to it.

2) If you had a disagreement with your BIL and SIL when you moved MIL into your place, I’d suggest you go and apologise, and praise them for what they did in the past. Say that you (like them) are not going to be able to cope, and see if all of you as a family can work out a plan that doesn’t involve her living with any of you.

3) I wouldn’t focus on particular annoying aspects of MIL’s behavior. SIL picked the need to deal with the meds, your issues are about being interrupted unnecessarily, but there will always be something. If you get firm about one thing, another will pop up.

4) MIL has chosen to come to the US. That means that ‘the old culture’ is exactly what she has chosen to leave behind. Don’t fall for that (very common) line about the ‘old culture’ and ‘in our family’. Her options now are what is reasonable in this culture.

5) If H won’t change (and he isn’t coping with most of the work or problems), start finding out about hiring an office room where you can work undisturbed. Or a holiday back to ‘the old home’ to see what people think there (perhaps there aren’t too many very elderly people in similar situations). And with you out of the way for a week or two things will change.

Have courage. If H is not happy, it’s even more important to get his B and SIL involved. Don’t let this go on and on. Yours, Margaret

You don’t mention MIL having dementia, just age related decline, so not sure why she began living with family to start with? Many seniors cope with a list of illnesses and still live on their own. A big hint of the problems you’re experiencing was her “wearing out her welcome” somewhere else. This is your home, and office, you should have peace in it. Time to tell husband the arrangement isn’t working. MIL’s needs will only increase with time. Sounds like she’s bored and could use the company of others, even if they don’t use the same language, google translate is amazing for this. You and hubby need to look into assisted living options and reclaim your home and marriage.

In order for multi-generational living to work, it's got to work for ALL who live in the home. That's not the case in your home, b/c it's not working for YOU. How can you possibly work from home with such a needy MIL interrupting your phone calls and meetings 'needing' Taco Bell?? She wants to lie in bed all day issuing orders about what she wants, I'm surprised she hasn't asked for a service bell so you can hear IT and come running when she dings it! :( Then she's miraculously 'alright' enough to get out of her bed to hold court with her friend when she comes to visit, so the two of them can create a mess for YOU to clean up? Yeah, I don't think so. It's time for a Come to Jesus meeting with your husband about how his mother has become way too big of a burden now with her 'neediness' and this is NOT what you signed up for! Had you known the situation would devolve into THIS, you never would have taken her into your home in the first place.

So what happens next, dear? Does mom go into senior housing? Assisted Living? Does she qualify for Skilled Nursing? Let's talk about the next step in mom's ongoing care that does not happen HERE in our home. Furthermore, if DH 'likes to have people over every weekend', hopefully HE is doing the cooking, cleaning and entertaining while YOU are lounging on a chaise and holding court with your guests? If not, Dh can go to THEIR homes to be entertained from now on b/c enough is enough!

You need to learn boundaries, I think, and stop allowing others to take advantage of you. That can be a tough thing to grasp b/c we women like to do things for others and be the caregivers to the world. BUT, there comes a point when we're plum worn out, like now, and know that changes need to be made! But how? Pick up a copy of the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life ,by Cloud & Townsend here:

https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2V9CQM33GLKDG&keywords=boundaries+by+cloud+and+townsend&qid=1673380036&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIyLjg3IiwicXNhIjoiMi4zOCIsInFzcCI6IjIuMzMifQ%3D%3D&sprefix=boundari%2Caps%2C628&sr=8-1

"Does your life feel like it's out of control? Perhaps you feel like you have to say yes to everyone's requests. Maybe you find yourself readily taking responsibility for others' feelings and problems. Or perhaps you focus so much on being loving and unselfish that you've forgotten your own limits and limitations. Or maybe it's all of the above.
In the New York Times bestseller, Boundaries, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend help you learn when to say yes and know how to say no in order to take control of your life and set healthy, biblical boundaries with your spouse, children, friends, parents, co-workers, and even yourself.
Now updated and expanded for the digital age, this book continues to help millions of people around the world answer these tough questions:
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How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?
Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
How do boundaries relate to mutual submission within marriage?
Aren’t boundaries selfish?
You don’t have to let your life spiral out of control. Discover how boundaries make life better today!"

Wishing you the best of luck taking back YOUR life today!

Wow your MIL sounds like quite a handful.

Does she have dementia? If so, you are not going to be able to get her to do much better. I would think about some short term and long term solutions here. Does your husband help with anything??? You work, take care of her, clean, do laundry and entertain. Hmmmmm. Since this is HIS mom, he needs to be working at least as hard as you are. Did you agree to have her move in with you? Was it your idea?
How long was she with her other son?

Right now, she needs to pay for a number of things. A cleaning lady would be a good one to take care of her room and common areas. Then while you are working, so you can actually work, she should have a caregiver at home or go to adult day care. Is she competent? If so, lay out her choices 1) caregiver 2) adult day care 3) nursing home. Unless you and hubby come up with a decision that she needs to leave your house ASAP and if so he has to tell her option 3 is coming her way.

Does she still have a house or an apartment somewhere? How old is she?

My MIL always talks over me to talk to her son. So darn annoying! She's 96 with dementia now, so I just have given up on any meaningful conversation with her. Then she pretends she can't hear me yet she can her my husband just fine. OK then. Yet she claims that she just loves me so much and is so lucky to have me, etc etc. I think she means well but is just so focused on her only child and the rest is dementia. I'm over it.

Good luck with your situation.