My dad died 7 years ago. My mom was always kind of a closet narcissist, but without my dad around to check her worst tendencies, she's become incredibly toxic, passive aggressive, and manipulative. She is a master of Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG). Her favorite roles are "helpless victim" and "saintly martyr." I'm having a really, really hard time dealing with it. I realized she was a narcissist a while ago, so went "low contact." I live across the country and only talk to her once every two weeks. When I hang up the phone, I feel OK. But a few days later, without fail I start to feel horrible and I don't know why, and it's only in retrospect that I realize that it came from something she said during the call that I dismissed as "no big deal" at the time. The problem is that, in the meantime, I've done damage to my career or my marriage because I feel so horrible. And it seems like I've only recovered from one call that it's time for the next one and the cycle repeats. It's been so helpful to read others' stories on this forum about FOG. Any tips to spot FOG in the moment and keep it from getting under my skin?
I can SO identify with what you've shared. Years ago, my therapist offered a visual: At first, when you walk down the road you keep falling into the open manhole. You know it's there, but you keep stepping in it over and over again. After awhile, you begin skirting the manhole; but still, sometimes you get too close and fall in. Then, after what feels like an endless series of falls you manage to avoid it most of the time, until finally you learn to walk around it.
I still haven't quite got the hang of walking around the hole. Sometimes I'll be having a conversation with Mom and she'll "stab" me with her "knife" and I won't even feel it until later when I see the blood and I realize I've been wounded. Our moms know which buttons to push because they put them there. You may decide at some point to go no contact altogether; that's your choice. We wouldn't drink bleach, would we? We wouldn't spray weeds with RoundUp without wearing a mask. Nor should we expose ourselves (without protection) to toxic people that kill the soul. Sometimes the best protection is avoidance.
You have already taken the first brave step in figuring out why you have felt that way.
Therapy does help not only to understand better the hurts; avoid falling into the same traps over and over again, but it helps you respect your own boundaries.
I stumbled across a "life coach" in training by accident and got free council for 6 sessions.
The very FIRST visit I felt the black cloud lift for the first time in 42 yrs.
Not everyone will be super lucky and stumble across someone in training
and get some free sessions...
I would absolutely pay the $$$ for the clarity I gained and the "unsanity" I lost!!!!!
I'm still rewiring my brain and identifying triggers!!! The D*MN FOG LOVES to kick in, sting me, and break to the ground and make me weak again...NOW, I use the "tools" my life coach suggested...those nasty episodes of dread and doom are getting weaker and weaker, just takes time to work on it.😊
You sound just like me....it's soooo controlling!!! BUT it does lessen with work and determination!!!
Please find yourself help.
Read here EVERYDAY!!
As for what you experience , I have experienced that with extremely bi polar loved one and yes it does feel like you no more than heal from the last time it happens again .
If you look up when the full moon's are through the year you can find a timeline . Print it out or write it down and put it by the phone .
The 7-10 days before a full moon, sometimes a little more , are a time period when the mood swings are worst for someone extremely bi-polar ( which is manic / depressant old terms ) . Not everyone has the same bi - polar .
She is going through alot but cannot realize it .
I think I'd write her a email that would arrive right after the next full moon and it would give her also a recording of her last call . Ask her to just listen . Her mind set will be different then and she will not believe it was her . That's ok . It's her voice and she has to accept it . Without this proof , everything else is in vain . Some who have bi polar are more depressed , some are more manic . It's a fine line between some who are " narcissist " and the bi polar term . In otherwords , this is not something she can help without medication . In the email follow up with another one that lists a dr in the area and until she can PROVE she has gotten help ( not an appointment but actually goes there and has an assessment so she can receive help ) , tell her you absolutely cannot go through one more phone call . Also , that you must have her approval with the dr so you can speak to him or her following the assessment . This will take time . She will be angry . That is ok , you can no longer sacrifice your mind to take her calls . If there is a chance she helps you with finances you must become independent which can mean take a second job or reduce your fixed expenses if you don't have enough to live on . Sometimes kids put up with parents like this because they worry they won't get the money or whatever when they die . Would you really sell your mind ? Probably not if you realized that you have the power to change this . Hopefully , this is your day that you take control of your life and you don't put yourself through this anymore except for that one more phone call you need to put on speaker phone or record through your phone depending on it's program . I hope you too get assessed . Sometimes bi polar means more depressed than manic for some and just getting assessed can help . Don't be afraid of it . It's not scary , you will find someone who understands and does not want to do anything but help you heal .
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