My husband and I have been married for less than a year. She has congestive heart failure. His mom is 85 and he was living with her to take care of her when we married, though we have known each other since we were 12 and 13. We are in our early 50's now. My husband is on disability because of an extremely screwed up back. He does everything he can but most of the work falls to me. To compound things, I have recently learned that I am getting laid off in 2 weeks. In addition, my 60 yo bro in law has been diagnosed with leukemia. He was in the hospital for a month and now HE has moved in with us too! The biggest problem is that his brother is a domineering type that my husband has never gotten along with. He is very unpleasant, bossy and mean tempered, even before he was sick. My mother in law, terrified of losing control, thinks everything I do to try and help is an encroachment on her territory. She won't allow me to cook (even though I was a trained chef) or clean, (she would rather let the house be filthy, if she can't do it no one can). We have zero privacy. In almost one year of marriage we have made love 8 times total. My husband is the youngest of 3 and he has become a verbal punching bag. I cannot bear to listen to it because he is the sweetest person I have ever known. I seriously cannot take it anymore. Had we known this was going to be the situation we never would have moved in here, or at least I wouldn't have. Since finding out about the impending layoffs at work, it has all come to a head, since I can no longer offer the $300 rent that I was paying her to help keep things afloat. (Another great thing is that she conveniently forgets that I pay her every month so I have to show her the cancelled checks EVERY TIME. She tells both his bro and sis that we contribute NOTHING to the household.) We want out. We have no money and nowhere to go. My biggest problem is that the feeling of wanting to just run away are very strong and I can't just stuff them down anymore. I am depressed. I have anxiety attacks. I love this man so much but I have come to despise his family and I just don't know how much more I can take. I am going to get whatever job I can find and save enough money for a used van and move into it. ANYTHING is better than this. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose my marriage to this wonderful man. He sounds like he is game to go but is guilt ridden because he still loves them, despite how horrible they have been to him for years. I don't know exactly what I am looking for, here. I moved here from out of state. And have worked so hard up to this point that I haven't even made any friends. I guess I just need someone to vent to so thank you for that. Sometimes life just really throws you for a loop. We were so happy at the beginning. But this has just become too much. I have been sober for more than 20 years but every day I am sorely tempted, let me tell you. Thank you for listening. Prayers, if you believe, would be deeply appreciated.
Move out. Hopefully move out with the sweetest man you have ever known. But with him or without him, move out.
Is your husband on disability? If not, why not? Can you collect unemployment until you find another job?
Your husband will of course feel very guilty at the thought of leaving Mom. But since she tells everyone that the two of you contribute nothing to the household, then she shouldn't miss when the "nothing" is taken away, right? But the real issue here is that your husband should be writhing in guilt over what living there is putting you through. He may not be able to choose to feel guilt-free, but he can choose to be guilty about his mother or about you. If he chooses his mother, then, sweet guy or not, I am sorry you married him.
I feel sorry for absolutely everyone in this household. Each of you! But you are the one who wrote, and you are the one who can save yourself. Do it! Get out.
(I don't mean to imply this will be easy or that this is your fault.)
You state "He does everything he can but most of the work falls to me". So how did they manage before you arrived on the scene?
You say you have been working and only paying $300 a month rent, so where has your money gone? Your husband should be getting some kind of disability pension, and going forward you should be getting a severance and unemployment insurance, you could look into low income housing. I have a feeling the money is the least of your problems and your main issue is you can't pry your husband away from his dysfunctional family. You managed to live on your own before the marriage, perhaps if you find yourself somewhere else to live now he will follow you, if not then you will need some serious marriage counselling, but at least you will be out of that toxic situation.
Does Mom-in-law own the house? Does she pay the mortgage/rent? Who pays for all the utilities, groceries, repairs to the house?
Now that another son has moved in, sounds like he is mobile enough to help take care of his mother. Where was he living before? Will he be paying rent?
Yes, time to move out, even if it is to a small apartment near-by, or a basement of a home. A household cannot have two Queen Bees.... not saying you are a Queen Bee, but that is how your Mom-in-law sees you. It's her kitchen, her dining room, her living room, etc. You are trespassing on her turf. Time to have your own place otherwise you will be a full-time caregiver to 3 grown adults, you will crash and burn.
I would get even a part time job or 2 part times jobs while looking for a full time job, discuss how you feel with your husband, and if he wants to stay in this very dysfunctional and unhealthy environment, move on alone.
I honestly don't think he's going to change now.
I also don't see the whole situation changing much. It seems you're bearing a large brunt of the mother's and brother's inability to get along with people, so you may just need to extricate yourself from this situation as I don't think the family dynamics are going to change, not at this stage of the game.
Don't be a verbal punching bag any longer; regardless of how strongly you care for this man, I sense that he's torn between you and his family.
You wrote:
"He sounds like he is game to go but is guilt ridden because he still loves them, despite how horrible they have been to him for years." Think this over very carefully - it says a lot about how your husband relates to his family and what the pecking order is in this group. Hint: your husband is NOT at the top.
The way employment is structured in this country is wrong with this picture!! EVERYONE who is willing and able to work 40-hour weeks should be at least able to support themselves, and save a little for tough times. I was just reading about food shelves in our community and one person interviewed worked a full-time job but was not able to meet simple daily liviy6ung costs for herself and her child. THIS IS SO WRONG!! I am grateful there are food shelves and community gardens and other sources of help for such people, but it would be much better to solve the problem at its source. Why should the highest people in a company be millionaires and the people who work hard to make the company a success need food shelves??
OK, rant over.
My point in this case is you are not some kind of slacker. Our economy sucks right now. Not Your Fault.
And I can see how hopeful you were about establishing a relationship with a new "Mom" in your life. Maybe it was a naive hope, but it doesn't make you a bad or dumb person.
But you've given it your best change for a year. My advice still stands. Move out. Move out as soon as you possibly can. If Hubby can and will move with you, Hooray! But don't wait until he is "ready." Move out as soon as you can, and he can follow you if/when he gets his priorities straightened out.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I admire the strength it took to raise your son alone. I admire your hope and willingness to try establishing a new family. You don't deserve the situation you are in. Please take steps to start correcting this ASAP.
I'm glad your husband is ready to go with you. I wouldn't wait for the other family members to step up, rather make your plans and present a date that you will be leaving. In my experience no one will make a move until they are forced to do so.
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