GM - Mom will need a new pacemaker battery in 2 yrs. She will be 95 yrs old at that time. I am her only caretaker for over 7 yrs now and it has not been a pleasant time for me. She is demanding and ungrateful and “lowers the boom” on me whenever she doesn’t get her way. I have tried to set up boundaries and even to try to get her volunteer help to take her out and visit with her. They never last.
The fact that she will be eligible for a new battery for her PM in 2 yrs gives me so much anxiety now! I couldn’t take her having more life in her than she has now. Sorry to sound so harsh! But it has been pure hell on and off these 7 yrs.
Does anyone have experience with this PM batteries for a 95 yr old person? She had AFib and CHF. It’s not as if she is at the hospice stage for anything. Maybe palliative care at the most. Her cardio took her off all unnessary medications for her heart like tikosyn and digoxin. She is still on Lasix, metoprolol and Eliquis. The pacemaker is for syncope.
I know things could change in 2 yrs, but she is very strong willed and she will want a new battery when the time comes. She does not have dementia.
CW is correct, the PM won't prolong her life. Palliative care sounds like it's worth looking into.
Does Mum live at home with you? When is the last time you had respite? What help is available to you in the community? Do you have any personal support, family, friends, therapist, religious leader? Have you spoken to your doctor about being burnt out an needing help?
Setting boundaries is important, but it is not easy and hard today with out some sort of back up. Even if the back up is the therapeutic fib. But more importantly the support of a counselor or therapist to help you stick to you guns. There will be backlash and it may feel easier to 'give in', but in the long run it is so worth standing your ground.
If she had to go to a NH, it would be on Medicaid. She lives on my father’s SS. The NH’s around here for Medicaid are terrible. I would have to take her kicking and screaming. She avoids hospital visits when she is in afib because she’s afraid they will send her to a NH like she did with my dad when he kept falling. Unrealistic thinking, but she is very phobic about NHs.
She doesnt have any cognitive disability, so a psychiatrist would probably deem her fine mentally.
I am currently taking some time to myself as we just had a blow up and she accused me of being nasty with her for no reason. This is not true. Actually, I was explaining a new way of handling her grocery shopping so she wouldn’t have me running every other day and she didn’t like the switch-up. I am so tired of having to deal with childish behavior and her telling my daughter that I am mean. My daughter reminds her that because of me, she is able to stay in her home and be independent. Then she looks startled as if she never thought about that before.
We always had a difficult relationship, but she had no one after my dad died. So here she is for 7 yrs now and life has never been the same. She is not that fragile and she has more energy than I do at times. My daughter lives close by and helps when she can, but she is a single parent and works a lot. In fact we have my grandson a few times a week - which we love.
A recent visit with the cardiologist determined a new PM in 2 yrs. I almost had a heart attack myself to think I would still be dealing with this - and maybe worse in 2 yrs if she has a battery replacement. I know she is losing some of her life as she knew it, but I’ve tried taking her to the senior groups around here and she doesn’t like them. She does spend a lot of time on her own. If I had 20/20 hindsight, I would never have agreed to this.
If your mother is of sound mind (and it sounds like she is) you have every right (and obligation to yourself) to say "sorry mom, if you won't take meds, I can no longer care for you".
And mean it. Can you do that?
I would simply state that you're no longer going to participate in her care if she doesn't agree to see a geriatric psychiatrist and get treatment for what ails her. You leave it up to her to figure out how she's going to get cared for.
She's strong willed and competent; she doesn't need you.
I wasn't suggesting a Geri Psych for cognition, though. I was suggesting a Geri Psych for meds for anxiety and depression.
The fact that she doesn't "get" that she can only stay in her home because of your help is prima facie evidence that her thinking skills have declined.
Your story reminds me of a woman I know. Her husband was her whole world. When he died she was able to live alone. Her son thought it would be a good idea to move in with him, his wife and children.
This woman was excited to go thinking she wouldn’t be lonely but said to me that she most likely would be asked to leave after awhile.
When I asked her why she said that she told me that she would interfere in the raising of their children, how they spent money, just everything in their lives. Guess what? Her daughter in law hated her and told her son that his mother had to go!
She knew fully well that she was a busybody. She thinks it’s caring in her distorted way. Her daughter in law is overweight and she constantly told her that she was fat! She thought her criticism would help her to lose weight. She told her that she was a lousy housekeeper and cook. She criticized how she worked in her garden and so her daughter in law told her she would let her have her own garden to tend to, which she did but she still told her daughter in law what flowers to plant. It got crazy! She wanted the walls repainted in her favorite colors. On and on it went. She interfered terribly with their children by undermining the parents.
So now she lives in the upstairs condo above her daughter. Her daughter does everything for her and all she does is complain! Sounds like you are in the same situation. Hope you get relief soon.
Yes, Family can be very Difficult, My sister who is Now my Dad's Caregiver, Is still a little Younger than your Mom, But is More of a Straw Boss since Becoming his Own at Home Boss, Since Mom Passed away.
Just a little Advice, If you ever feel she needs a Nursing Facility, Become her Guardian and go to Court.
As far as your worry over her PM battery...that’s 2 years out. Worry is counterproductive because you have no idea what could happen in 2 years. Don’t let the anxiety of that projection steal your joy.
What can you do to bring joy into your life? Start planning that out and let mom know what it’s like not to have you in her life constantly. You don’t owe her your retirement. In other words ask yourself "what is enough?" What would she do if you keeled over tomorrow? She’d carry on somehow. Take care of you for your own family and self preservation. Take back your powerthat you’ve let her have.
Please do your homework when searching for a palliative care program. They are listed as hospice companies because they will transition her from palliative care to hospice when the time comes. Insist on having the same nurse each time, which will lessen the confusion for your Mom. One thing two of my friends are dealing with where they live in Maine and Florida respectively is a shortage in palliative care. They just don't have the staff to support the program so my friends' mothers are not able to get palliative care even though they qualify. I hope you don't have to deal with that. We had no problems where I live in Alabama.
I know how rough it can be with a difficult parent. My sister and I both went on an anti-depressant. Hang in there!
I agree with another about calling out a person who is being mean. Especially if they don’t have dementia so they know what they’re doing.
I believe in standing up to bullies. I first check my mind, attitude, and presentation before I speak. I politely and simply state what I find unacceptable and why. Sometimes i say it in such a way that it comes out like a mother to a child, with a bit of a tone of shaming acknowledgement, because when they are way out of line you need to correct them. Doing it like that, lovingly and firmly, helps me not feel like a bad person honestly. And then I walk away. I’ve had a client sit stubbornly 1, almost 2 hours until they decided to cooperate. And for myself it was worth it. The moment I got cooperation, I acted like the past was in the past, and I moved on. Nice, polite, friendly, acting in a behavior that I wanted them to join me in. And sometimes that meant we didn’t talk much for the rest of the day - It’s OK!! We’re human! There’s only so much we can take/do. Relationships can be difficult no matter what the circumstances are. We need to remember that so we don’t add more of a burden to it than what it already is.
Somehow, it does feel like with our parents we don’t have the right to do that, but when you become adults, and the parent is miss-behaving, they are taking advantage of that inherent respect they get because they are your parent and that’s when it becomes abuse and that you do not have to tolerate. You’re an adult now too.
And if she was nasty again, I politely drew the line again. Nasty behavior may raise its head again every so often, so you repeat so they learn. Someone needing help doesn’t negate the responsibility of both parties treating each other with respect.
Both sides need to learn to let go of the child parent relationship in that sense.
Seems to be a common theme in this forum. I just want to encourage everybody we have the right to stand up for ourselves but be respectful to yourself and to them for good consciousness sake. Good luck. my heart goes out to you.
I'd definitely try to get your mother accessed. My mother had all her friends and doctors fooled until it was too late for her to acclimate at a continuum of care facility. Those that don't acclimate get dealt with last if at all. Getting her affairs together left me bedridden, so I understand you don't need to be destroying your life for your mother's. Mine was travelling the world at my age until she turned 80. I'll be lucky to see 65. It's not selfish to want your life to be less stressful while you still can!
Some states have geriatric nurses that access the elderly's mental status. Mom thought they had just come for tea!
As for how she treats you, you do not have to put up with it. I recommend you check out some of Laura Schlessinger's books on dealing with toxic family members. People fall into patterns of accepting abuse and that is never right. Praying that you find some relief and the strength to stop accepting your aunt's abuse.
Absolutely draw those lines and stay away as much as possible. If her mind is still intact, eventually maybe that will sink in (the why.) If not, well, that's her problem.
Bringing another along is a wise choice! I know our mother would behave differently in front of others - can't air that dirty laundry with non-family members!!! You may have to enlist several others in those visits, so she doesn't become used to that one person and start acting on a familiar basis with them around!
No experience with PMs, but as at least one other said why worry about something that is two years away? No idea what could happen in those two years, so no point in worrying about it now. Even then, if she has it done and it prolongs her life, if you set and maintain boundaries, the impact should be less on you. As for NH, doctors should determine if/when that is needed. Meanwhile, let her sit at home, alone, doing whatever it is she does and only go/visit when regular scheduled necessities are provided.