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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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Is it a good or bad idea to have your mom "visit" her home that she can no longer move back to? I don't want to remind her of a place that she can no longer go but I want to try and respect her wishes as much as I can.......Any thoughts?
This was something I encountered a lot with my mom. Here's the story: My dad was very ill last year and spent his last 6 weeks in hospital/nursing home before passing in early September. My mom, who has dementia, spent those 6 weeks with me and my sister. During that time, we did go back to my parents' house a few times a week so she could get stuff, water the garden, etc. After my dad died, though, we moved her out of the house immediately. Initially, we were back to the house kind of often, because the move-out was not easy or seamless, but after about 6 weeks or so, we tried to taper it down. As she got accustomed to living elsewhere (2 months in an ill-advised independent living senior living apartment and then into the more appropriate memory-care/assisted living residence where she is now), it became easier to distract her thoughts from wanting to return, but I did bring her back every few weeks at first, and then, as my clean-out of the house became more complete, less and less often. We just sold their house a few weeks ago and towards the end, bringing her back to the house was really just to walk on the block to say hi to some neighbors. That's my backstory and I have to say it was a balance of respecting her wishes and keeping it real -- that is, you're not moving back here, mom! I did a lot of "Yes, sure, mom, I'll take you back. But we can't go today. Next Friday might work." And that would appease her. When I felt the timing was right, we would go back, but I did a lot of explaining about how the house was not a safe living environment for her anymore and that where you're living now is safer and has all these amenities and social opportunities. I would play up all the pros for her current living situation and the cons for her own house (yes, that part was easy to do!). After a few months, she stopped saying she wished she could live back in her old home even though she still wanted to go back to visit it and see it. When we would go back to the house and walk through it, we would reminisce. When she would say how much she missed it and wanted to be back there, I would tell her, "yes, of course, we all wish things were how they used to be, but they're not. Dad's not here anymore and this house is not safe for you! We love you and want you to be safe and that's why you're living where you are now." Believe it or not, it really worked. But it took a lot of balance and calm and patience and kindness with her, even at the times she was insistent or would get upset about it. But like I said, that dissipated with time. She doesn't talk about the house hardly at all nowadays, but when she does and she asks to go back, we have gone back to walk on the block. I've told her that just because the house is sold, we can still go back to walk down the street or see what neighbors are around. So, every situation is different. I imagine if my dad were alive and living in the house without her, that would be an entirely different situation and my strategy would have been much different, I believe. Anyway, for what it's worth, that's how I have dealt with my mom's situation. Good luck!
I agree with Wellington...you know your mom best, could this backfire into a depressing reminder that she can't go home again or even into an ugly argument about why you're 'making her' live somewhere else? I, too, feel a little melancholy when I drive by my childhood home or my first apartment – and I'm not suffering from dementia (yet!). Maybe a better trip down memory lane could be to go to a restaurant you enjoyed as a family when you were younger or something like that.
I wouldn't recommend taking her back for a visit. I KNEW my mother would want to stay or get too emotional if we took her. It's very unfortunate, because my sister lives next door to mom and sis cannot take her to her own house for a visit. After two years and dementia, I imagine she doesn't remember this place. If mother needs something, she tells us and we find it for her.
I am no expert but it seems like it wouldn't be a good idea to take her back to her last home or any home because it will either: a) make her sad that she can't live there anymore or b) make her feel like the life she once knew and loved is gone forever. Have you ever visited a past house that you loved? Its sad even without dementia :) Good Luck!
My mom also initially asked to go back to her house a lot and we did bring her there a few times, but found that she was not talking about the current house but rather one that they had lived in 10 years or more before! She did not recognize that house AT ALL! LOL! Now occasionally she asks to go home (she is in a NH) but does not know where that is really. Dad was moved to be near my sister about 2 years ago. He still says when mom passes he will move back to the old house (not happening) in another state, although he has no idea how to get there. He still owns the house but it is rented out because he refused to sell it. The reason he was moved was because it was unsafe and my sis and I were dashing up and down the coast like crazy people She from 300 miles away and me from 1500 miles away. He fell on the front steps one day and a passing jogger found him luckily. I think it scared him badly, but the memory fades, sadly. Someone had suggested taking a lot of photos and putting them in a album to look through which is a wonderful idea I think and we do have enough photos to do it so we may try that.
My mom was in her home and kept asking for someone to bring her home. I finally figured out that the home she was talking about was the one she had lived in 25 years before. Since she was in a hospital bed and refused to get out of it she did not realize she was in her own home.One day she allowed me to put her in a wheelchair and roll her to the living room. She sat in amazement looking at all of the pictures and her things. After about 10 minutes she was done and asked to go back to her bed. She never left the bed again.
The only reason we were able to get my FIL out of his house was because a neighbor found him on the front lawn. When the police came, they checked out his house and had the building inspector condemn it. He was a hoarder and was not only attached to his house, but very attached to his "stuff". When he got out of the hospital he wanted my husband to take him to "get some things" from his house. My husband knew he would try to remain there, so arranged for a police officer to come and tell my FIL that he could not stay. He asked for a while to be brought back there to get things, but we put him off. We knew if he got there, he would fight us to stay there. So we've been telling him we're fixing it up. He is in a memory care unit now, but still believes he's going home when he gets better. I agree with the other posters that bringing her back may do more harm than good. I would keep putting her off, without actually saying no. Just say today I can't do it, but we'll get there when I have more time, or something like that.
You can never tell how they are going to react. After a broken leg and hip Mother couldn't ever go home. She ended up thousands of miles away. We kept everything we thought she might want. The rest and the house had to be sold. My brother handled the sell of the house and some of the furnishing. Now he is on her disowned list because he sold her house so he could get his hands on her money. I know he didn't take a dime but she won't believe it. It has been over 3 years and she is still angry at him and the rest of us. I just have to work on growing a tougher skin.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Maybe a better trip down memory lane could be to go to a restaurant you enjoyed as a family when you were younger or something like that.
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