My mom has moderate stage dementia. She is currently in a beautiful frail-care facility with her own bedroom & bathroom, pretty gardens, only 7 other residents with at least 5 carers. Gets 3 cooked meals a day, clothes washed, activities, medical attention, etc - yet, every single time I see her she wants to know if there is somewhere “closer” to me she can move. Even suggesting living in a caravan in my garden.
I have gone over the options countless times with her and that living with me is just not an option. I have 2 teenagers, a husband and a job and there is not always somebody at the house to watch her. We also have stairs that she would have to go up and down all day. An in-home carer is just not affordable. Medical advice is that she must be in frail-care and watched 24 hours as her chances of falling and breaking her hip again are very high.
I might also add that, before she got dementia, she ALWAYS said to me that she never wants to come and live with me as 3 generations under one roof is just too difficult and she’d never expect that from me or my family.
So my question is, how do I answer her continuous question about wanting to move closer (even though she’s only 5 mins away) without having to explain the situation over and over again? I’m getting to the stage of dreading visiting her because I know that this is going to be brought up the minute she sees me. I’ve tried the diversion tactic but she always comes back to it.
Any advice please.
You may find - :/ - that you then have to spend hours talking about the curtains for her Romany caravan by your back door... but with any luck it will just allow you to lead her away from it without her noticing.
Has she got a big, cheerful photograph of you and any other equally loved family members in her room? I don't know (of course) but I can imagine this obsession simply reflects her wanting to hold tight to you.
I would contact the Care Home Manager to discuss. How to build more connection to where she lives.
You cannot reason with someone who has Dementia. Short-term means they don't retain what you have said from day to day, minute to minute. Just tell her she "is" practically in your back yard. That she gets lots more attention where she is than she would at ur house where no one is home during the day. She would be alone.
My Aunt told my cousin that when the time came he was to put her into a NH. When the time came, she had Dementia and wanted to go home. Your Mom has no idea what she said in the past. She just knows what she is experiencing now. You have found a great place for her and close. Maybe you can tell her she is living inbur backyard and you found others who love living their with her and people to wait on her while you work. As someone said, you have to enter their world.
Many want to go *home* ie feel SAFE.
Add reassure that you love her & she is safe ❤️
"I want to go home
To my own warm bed
Why am I here?
No-one has said
I need to go home
Where people care
I don't know the address
But they loved me there
I must go home
I must leave this place
I want a hug & a touch
From a friendly face"
I would try the advice of the other posters, and just reassure her and change the subject, etc. Where she's at sounds perfect to me!
You can sleep well at night knowing your Mom is being cared for in such a wonderful environment with so much care, and beautiful gardens to enjoy. I'm so sorry she has Alzheimers, but she is very fortunate to have such a loving family who found such a lovely place for her to live.
Mom was not 'lonely' or 'missing family' or wringing her hands in misery at the Memory Care, either, as others would like us to believe. Others would like us to believe that we've 'abandoned' our mothers to a hell-hole of a dungeon where nobody cares about them, where they're alone like dawgs, half-starved, dehydrated and hanging on to life by a thread all day long. That ain't how it is, folks, not even for a minute. My mother lived in beautiful hotel-like building with a large suite with private bathroom. She had caregivers who saw to her every need & genuinely loved her; sat with her after their shifts were over, even. Nurses who cared for her wounds when she got them, cried when she was transitioning, and hugged me in despair after knowing her for 7 years. She was dressed and brought out into the activity room daily where she was the cheerleader for everyone else. She participated in all the games, crafts, parties and events that went on daily. She was the social butterfly of the MC. She was the first one on the mini bus for the trips they took sightseeing in the mountains. The first one out to the garden to sit and soak up the sunshine in the early afternoon. She had daily socialization she never would have gotten living in my house with just me & my DH, that's for sure. People get a skewed vision of what AL life is really all about. Plus, she got lots of visits from ME and my DH and my kids, to boot. The moment after I left, she stopped carrying on & turned BACK into the social butterfly & happy camper she always WAS; the crying & carrying on about coming to live with me was for MY benefit ONLY. Keep that in mind, OP, as you navigate this situation.
Your mother is fine where she's at; she's got dementia so her brain is misfiring, is what's happening. She feels certain she'd be better off 'closer to you' which is a thought loop she's stuck in. Keep telling her whatever mantra you decide to tell her, and don't take what she says personally (hard to do, I know). Realize that she's in good hands where she's AT, and getting a level of care you CANNOT provide her in your home. And socialization that's not available in your home, too.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Allow yourself to grieve what cannot be.
The single thing that can still hurt me when I think of it is my gentle accepting Mom saying "Is there no way I can stay in my home until the end". There wasn't. But the pain of hearing that can still sear my heart and mind when I think of it.
This is very painful. Not everything can be fixed. Some things hurt forever. You are a human being with a right to your life, with limitations, who is doing the best you can.
Finding a good facility is SO RARE. My brother was a full length of the state away from me, but his MARVELOUS ALF would not have been touched in the bay area for three times the cost of it, nor could I have depended on such good care. I was lucky that he had become such a So Cal boy and had his ex partner and good friend in his facility and wished to stay there. It would have broken my heart to have him wanting to be more near me and our being unable financially to swing that.
I am sorry. Life is full of beauty and full of grief. Be certain not to let it spill in to the WRONG G WORD (guilt). You are grieving. So is she. Visit as often as you are able, as often as humanly able. Don't give her hope by staying wishy-washy. My bro and I often said "This isn't what we wanted; we would rather have died first; but here it is; now we do the best we can " (as he also said of being in the army when a young man.