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I'm her only daughter and have moved in to her house to look after her. She's mean to me and I do everything for her! She's hurtful but nice to my brother! I also have an autistic son who needs special care too. I'm up to my neck in anxiety and depression! I plan to move out as soon as I can.

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I haven't commented in a very long time because it seems all I do is complain about my situation. I can certainly relate to what you're going through and although I have the same problem with my mother I don't know what to do either. My relatives and friends who have experienced this bad treatment by parents or other relatives tell me the same thing over and over: "they always treat the caregiver the worst". That is not an answer and does not make me feel better. I believe I could handle the situation better if she were mean to everyone. I have been either taking a break by doing only what is absolutely necessary or tuning her out for a day or two (I no longer live with her, so that helps a lot)
I hate that a majority of the time I feel hopeless when dealing with my mother or when I talk to her it's hard to not be sarcastic, or I just feel sorry for her. I am so sad because I don't know her. Try to tune your mother out! With practice you can do it, in fact you may have to in order to keep your own sanity. One last thing: continue to do your best and if your brother won't help out don't become angry because anger and revenge will affect your health, not his.
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When my mom starts acting out, I (or we) leave the room. She gets the point without a lot of harsh words. Like Olmaandme said, she has dementia, but she's not stupid.
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My mom was the same way initially.Angry at the world. I let her know and still do when she steps over the line with me.It may sound harsh but I remind her I am not her servant,that she is living in my house and I have other responsibilities.I also let her know immediately if she is disrespectful toward me or other family members.I find she's like a child.If she gains an inch she takes a yard. She may be suffering from dementia but she's not stupid.
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Is putting mom in a facility an option?
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Has your mother always been abusive to you? Check her meds first if this is a personality change and track down when the change started and if any new meds started at the same time. My mom became abusive when she took an antibiotic, then she started having panic attacks and delusions. When she came off the meds she was her normal self again.
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I've read your post, as well as the kind replies, and took pause to reflect. I can share my own experience, strength, and hope with you, such as it is. My own externals (situation) differ from yours quite a bit, but the intensity of your feelings, incl. anxiety, fear, confusion, perhaps mixed w/ some guilt & anger, have been with me through my journey as a son and caregiver so frequently that I felt compelled to share with you. I can't give advice, but have learned a few things that have help to keep me sane, and to stay focused. If this sounds simple-minded, that's because I have to keep things very simple. First, I have to remember to slow down the mind-racing and tension that fuels the anxiety or fear. I have to sit quietly, take some slow, deep breaths, for as long as it takes to begin to just be okay in my own skin. As soon as I feel a bit less stressed, I just turn the whole mess over to whatever higher-power I can find, and let go as much as I can, with respect to the future. And as you did here, I reach out and share, or ask for help, and try to have faith that whatever the outcome will be, I will get through it. As others have shared, I also need remember that although I may feel angry w/ mom/family, I feel better if, while taking care of my own needs, I have compassion in my heart. Others suffer as well, and even if I have to let go of them, emotionally or physically, I don't want to look back and regret my actions because I was driven by fear and anger. I don't need the pain, and don't want to hurt others because I let my emotions make all the decisions. In my case, I do generally stay enraged for a few days before I remember that I love this person, and can still do what I have to do, even if it displeases them. Let us know how things are going, and take one day, or one hour at a time, as need be.
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I know my mom had Alzheimer's and we learned that she also had a condition of known as sundowners. It goes along sometimes w Alzheimer's. Towards the end of tne day as the sun went down, she got worse. More spiteful and msan. My mother had always neen ghe sweetest mom in the world. One day I was iny old BR, cleaning up some old college stuff. She came in and cussed me out, wjat was I doing in her house. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and I stood up and crying said who ARE you and what did you do w my mother? Its tough and in the end I let my dsd do it all alone. I sasnt strong enough to handle it. And I feel rotten about it. Now, 7yrs later my dad has dementia and im the one handling it all. I understand better now.
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Keep in mind that for women your mother's age there was social training to be preferential toward men. Men were security, money, stability, or so they thought. Her meanness toward you is not at all about you.

Next, everyone here telling you that your responsibility is to your son is right. It is a big responsibility. There is no guilt in putting him as your second priority, you are the first.

Next, get your brother and you to her doctor's appointment and see if you can get orders to talk with a social worker about evaluating her level of care needs and then getting her set up.

Finally, that leaves you able to visit her, go to lunch or bring lunch in, and to shelter your son from whatever future decline in behaviors your mother has. If she gets mean, you leave. If she wants company, she will have to learn not to be mean.

Good luck, your hands are full right now.
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I agree also.........have her checked for a urinary tract infection. It's common to act out when infected. And try not to take it personal with your mom's behavior towards you. She needs someone to act out on. If it wasn't you, it would be someone else. It's an indication that she isn't feeling well.
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sometimes that crankiness can come from how much we are doing for our loved one as it shows them just how much they are losing, or have lost. Step back and see if there is any areas of her life that she can manage on her own. Sometimes simple things like doing the dishes or laundry can give them that sense of purpose they are missing. You are close to her both in proximity and emotionally so she will lash out at you first. Good luck to you.
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If you feel that moving her into Assisted Living will be to costly for her - apply for long term care for the costs of that living and also medicaid. You can do this through your local Health and Human Services office in the county you live in. You can give them a call and see if someone there can answer any questions regarding the assistance you are seeking. Best wishes.
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Unfortunetuly It is only going to get worse. Some dementia people can be very mean to their care givers. My mom is. I have learned through a care givers support group to try to not react to the bad behavior and divert the situation to a different subject. It does help alot. It is the dementia not your Mom that is making her be mean.
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I wish your brother would become the caregiver but it rarely happens. My mom thinks my brother is wonderful, but he refuses to be of any real help. He lives 2 hours away an shows up every 4-6 months and takes mom to lunch and she eats it up. She calls me her "keeper" and thinks I like being in charge... NOT. I hope your brother is an exception. You have way too much on your shoulders to care for your son and mom.
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Contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services for any in home services your mother would be eligible for. I agree, your son should be first then your mother. As a caregiver I know it can be difficult, get help when you can, this gives you a break. I agree with the above comment about holding a family meeting, discuss your mother's care with your brother, ask him to pitch in; set days and times where he can take over. Maybe your mother has something medical going on, make an appointment with her physician. In the elderly something that seems as simple as an UTI can cause a behavioral change. What about pain, does she have arthritis? If so, her pain level may have increased, you can discuss this with her physician. As a caregiver, I know you must take time for yourself. I also care for my father and have a special needs adult child and I work full time. I'm well aware how stressful it can be. There are programs out there that can help with some of mom's care. Don't be afraid to see home based programs. Even if you only find 30 minutes for yourself-take it, look at a magazine, read a book, enjoy a cup of tea/coffee while watching birds or get a manicure. You can't be a caregiver if you crash and burn. I have to make myself find time for me, but I recognize the fact that as a caregiver I need that 'me' time. Having help with your mother allows that to happen. Good luck
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God's speed....you have been given good advice.
I have not much to add.
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I feel that your first commitment is to your son--he needs you now. At the first opportunity you and your brother need to have a family meeting and discuss what is going to happen with mom. This discussion needs to happen very soon. If possible I would look into some kind of home care or moving your mom to an assisted living facility. If you are short on money, then I would seek assistance from local agencies that know the way to help out. You have been a wonderful daugther by helping out and I am sure that IF mom felt better she would agree.
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Man I am in your shoes.I have an autistic son and yes I am very depressed and anxious..it is difficult enough then taking care of an aging parent..you need respite.I am sure your local resources will lend a hand.Try help coming in and please take a break before you are in a hospital.You need to take care of you and your son..Do not feel guilty , you need respite...good bless and take care
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I have a 24 year old son with autism and seizures and an 88 year old father who needs some care and support from me, so I kind of walk in similar shoes to you. I had my dad living with us for 15 months and the stress on me just got to be too much, particularly trying to keep both my dad and my husband happy. My dad was willing to try an assisted living facility near our house and the situation is now much better for all of us. I just had to level with my dad that it was all too much for me. You may have to do the same with your mom. There's no reason not to, given the care your son needs. One person can only do so much before you reach your breaking point and that was where I was. It sounds like you are reaching yours, so just be honest with your family members about how you are feeling and go from there.
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Does your brother also live in your mother's house, or has he had the good sense to stay away?

If you have a son with autism who must have first claim on your attention, and a brother whose company your mother appears to prefer to your own, I slightly struggle to see what difficulty you're having with a decision, here.

"Mother, meet brother. Brother, meet mother." And leave them to it.

On the other hand: where were you living before you moved in with your mother? Is your situation a bit more complicated than you've described, perhaps?
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Take your mom to the doctor; she may have a UTI or other infection. Or depression. Is she on any medications? A chnage in behavior in the elderly is a symptom, not to be ignored.
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Personally, I think you should move out. With the responsibilities you have with your son, I don't think you should try taking care of your mom,too. There will be those persons who will disagree with me and may even make you feel selfish for doing so, but as a caretaker myself I KNOW what it can do to you. There are some people, I believe, who enjoy such care taking and "my hat off" to them. We are not all the same and, for me, both my mom and I were better off when she was in a Personal Care Home and we (myself and my sister) visited her regularly and took her to lunch,etc. why don't you enlist the help of your brother that she's nice to and find a suitable Personal Care Facility?

Good luck to you and hugs!
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