Mom has been in and out of hospital this year. She broke her pelvis two years in a row and this past year broke her hip. She’s had three surgeries to fix hip. Each hospital stay is compounded with post op delirium, low sodium, dehydration, UTIs and C-Diff. It’s almost guaranteed. It’s cyclical in these places. She’s unable to do most things without help (cooking, shopping, trash, bathing, house cleaning, getting mail, meds, etc.) I’ve taken over bills, health management, insurance, medication and everything else that needs attention. She wears diapers so keeping her clean and removing soiled diapers is constant. I manage her medication too in a pill box each week. I have 3 sisters but they don’t help. If they do they don’t follow thru, leave mom waiting or just don’t show up etc. I’ve taken mom in a few times in between hospital stays but realize I may not be able to provide the care she needs since she’s got severe osteoporosis/osteopenia and huge risk for falls. Uses a walker as baseline. I work full time to help support my family financially and have a husband and two teenage boys, one will soon to enter college so I will face tuition etc. I’m burning out. I think my mother needs assisted living. She lives in a studio, can’t go outside her door alone, rarely gets fresh air, doesn’t have visitors only me. 1 sister comes by when it’s convenient for her but usually just stresses my mom out. I think I’ve found an assisted living that is highly recommended, affordable and her doctor can go there too but mom has been in rehab for two months. I will eventually have to have conversation with her if application gets approved. Her lease in apartment is up in May. I don’t want her to think I'm just putting her away. Her experience with hospitals and rehabs has been terrible this year especially during COVID. I am sure healthcare workers do their best but I see a side of healthcare I don’t like. I think it’s worse when you can’t see your parent either due to COVID. I think some facilities know this and try to get away with shorty care. It’s bare minimum care. The staff doesn’t know her, don’t know what’s she’s been through this year, don’t want to know her.
How do we know when it’s time to consider assisted living? How do we have these conversations?
Thank you. I’ve really related to many posts here. I appreciate your thoughts/suggestions.
Maybe instead of 'putting her away' I can offer another view.
You mention burn out. I get it. You have moved from Daughter to Carer - being 100% support person, bills, care, shopper +++ for your Mother. This path leads to living your Mother's life along side her & having less & less time, energy or emotional ability to give as Wife, Mother & for self-care.
As we lose independence, moving through semi-independance & into dependence we start to outgrow the help of just one person. *Your Mother is here* We then need a village of helpers. This can be done with managing numerous services for in-home help or moving into a assisted living village where it is all on-site.
It means ADDING more people to her care team.
Hopefully this restores the balance to all your lives.
Then, maybe call and ask for a live tour. The leasing agent can do one over Zoom, or FaceTime. At that point, you can ask specific questions.
We asked my mother’s leasing agent to answer lots of “What would your facility do if —— happens?” kinds of questions.
Good luck to you and your family.
It is time to look at Assisted Living facilities.
If the rehab facility she is currently at has Assisted Living it might be worth it to take a tour and discuss transferring to AL when her rehab time is up.
Your other options would be have full time care in her home. Another would be for her to move in with you AND get a caregiver to help you out.
Been there, done it, with both of my parents.
Yes, we grow exhausted! Our family needs us.
Yet, we want to care for our aging parents. It’s difficult to balance it all.
Your intuition on this matter is spot on! It will only become harder.
Follow your instincts. Do not prolong the agony. Look for assistance.
You will get guidance from this forum. Also consider contacting Council on Aging in your area. Explain your situation.
Contact a social worker to help you plan for your mom’s future if you feel that you want an opinion of someone who works in this field.
Or simply research facilities on your own. COVID makes things more difficult but it can still be managed. Do the best that you can.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Take care.