Per the advice of a wonderful person on this site, my dad FINALLY took my 65 year old mother to see a geriatric psychologist. The doctor (after only two visits) took her off serriquol and placed her on Lithium. Apparently, it’s MORE than just dementia, she is also bipolar! My mom has been on Lithium now for a week, but shows absolutely no signs of her “mood” becoming better. Let me explain her “mood” these days: she is 110% miserable all the time, everyday, all day long ... meanness, mixed with anger, mixed with crying, mixed with hate, mixed with paranoia, mixed with delusions, mixed with a heightened sexual desire, mixed with shadowing my father like a puppy dog, mixed with physical violence, mixed with childish behaviors, mixed with wandering, mixed with many obsessive compulsive activities. My mother’s #1 favorite pastime is washing any clothing/bath towels she can find in her house over and over again. My mother’s #2 favorite pastime is using her 1999 cell phone to call my father starting the moment he leaves for work everyday. My mother has a sitter who comes to stay with her during the day yet she still calls my father and fusses at him until he finally breaks and comes home early (this happens every single day). I have tried hiding her cell phone and I’ve tried unplugging the washing machine; neither does any good because my father won’t tough it out while she’s relentlessly “losing it” over not having these “pacifiers” or “security blankets”; he breaks under her constant nagging for them to be fixed/returned every time. She runs up their water bill to astronomical amounts every single month and she has reached the point of harassment calling family members (mostly my father) on her cell phone.
The worst part (yes it gets worse), my mom has reached a point of anger now where she has actually hit me twice. I am not ok with that!!! I told my father about the closed fist hit I receieved from my mother to the BACK of my head and he didn’t seem to think it was that bad of a thing ... that leads me to believe that she has probably assaulted him several times, if not regularly. She has tried to jump out of my car while I was taking her through the drive through of an ice cream shop ... just minutes before, she was begging to leave the house, then suddenly she decided she didn’t want to be where she was, she wanted to be back home. She sits on her back porch (surrounded by her family) and angrily says “I’ll be damn glad when someone takes me home”. I responded “momma you are at home.” My mother looked at me with pure hate in her eyes and screamed “shut up, just shut up, do you think I’m stupid? I live in that big White House over there.” There is no big White House anywhere near her house and she’s never lived in a big white house. She has also started asking me every time I see her if I’m my father’s girlfriend. I will say no, I’m his daughter; to which she responds “oh I bet, I know exactly what you two are doing.” Then, she will jump into my father’s lap, glare at me (like I’m her romantic rival), bury her head in his chest and start crying (extremely childish), even though she’s obviously attempting to be sexual with her behavior, it still comes across as something exactly like an upset child would do. I suppose that is where she is at now, a cross between a sex crazed geriatric and 4 year old child. It’s just weird and extremely unsettling.
I have begged my father to have her placed in an elder care facility so she can be monitored 24/7 by medical professionals. He won’t say no, but he won’t actually make steps to do anything either. My fear is that he’s waiting for some kind of horrific event to happen so he can tell himself he didn’t have a choice, I think he must have made that stupid unrealistic promise spouses always make to each other “oh honey, please don’t ever put ME in a care facility when I’m old!” I now believe anyone who ever makes a loved one promise that to them is completely selfish!!! I am just trying to prevent any further horrific events from happening. Example: During a Saturday visit to my parents house to let my 7 year old daughter visit her grandfather, my mother became manic and started screaming at me to the point of causing my child to cry ... my mother ran into the kitchen and yelled “where are all my knives?” Oddly enough, just 1 day before, against my fathers wishes, but per the request of my mother’s daytime sitter, I had removed all the scissors and knives from my parents home. Well thank god I did, right? During a fit of anger my mom runs to look for a knife? Wow!!! After being unable to find the knife she needed to slash her family into a million pieces, my mom then proceeds to run to back of the house where she removed all the clothing she had on and walked into the living room like she had proven a point. I screamed “mother!!! You are naked! There is a child in the room! What are you doing?” Can anyone give me any reason she shouldn’t be placed in a facility?
If that doesn’t get you any further, tell him that the next time there is any type of dangerous incident, you will call the police and APS. If that doesn’t work, actually do it! You will be helping your father out of a horrible place that he can’t get out of by himself.
at finding an unsupervised senior....so facility or talk about the money thing
Dads bill for four 1/2 mos was 30,000 with Medicaid kicking in after two mos. kind of a scam I dont think its worth it...perhaps drugs can calm your mother down because she will be disruptive in the house not sleeping, and
no noise from children she needs calmness the brain is going in all directions and its frightening...…………….ok
Please do not let your daughter go there again. Maybe grandpa can meet her somewhere. If your Mother acts up when you are there, if she threatens or is physical or just waaay out there, go ahead and call the police yourself. They will want to take your Mother for evaluation. That may encourage your Father to go along with the decision.
Best of luck hon, stay strong!
I can absolutely relate to your horrible situation. You are on the right track about getting your mother to a geriatric psychiatrist/psycholoogist. All of what you have said sounds like a carbon copy of what I have been dealing with for 7 years now. I was really close to my parents, but with the behavior my mother was exhibiting ie violent, sometimes psychotic behavior, and my dad's inability to place her somewhere, has forced me to get help for myself. My mother has had every conceivable treatment and drug...BTW it does take time for drugs to work, but she has refused to get any kind of counseling or Cognitive behavioral therapy. IF A PERSON DOESN'T WANT TO GET BETTER..all the drugs in the world aren't going to solve the situation in a vacuum. My mom has also had a plethora of diagnoses which comes back to nobody really know exactly what's wrong. She doesn't have the diagnosis of dementia yet, which has been backed up by CT and her cognitive abilites..when she wants to participate. Years ago she would just have been called "insane" My dad is fully functional and is cognitively intact, so it is up to him what transpires. He calls constantly and complains about what is happenening, but at the end of the day he unable emotionally to seperate and make the right decision. Granted, this has been over 7 grueling years, but now I just try to keep them safe pragmactically, and expect something horrible to happen, but there is nothing I can do. YES there is guilt, but that gets back to what I have suggested; getting help for yourself.
I'm sorry I wan't tying to make this about me...I just wanted you to see my background so you could examine whether your situation sounds similair.
What I have learned:
This is THEIR situation and no matter what you say or do to help, it won't help to make any changes in THEIR situation unless they want your input. It is heartbreaking, but it is their lives.
It takes a lot of work, but boundaries need to be set for yourself with realistic expectations. Your dad may get to a point of acceptance, but until this happens this behavior will continue.
I don't mean this harshly, but YES, this situation may end up killing him because he has taken on the role of caretaker, but this is what he has chosen.
You need to take care of YOU! We are taught as daughters to be nuturing, of others...but not of ourselves.
Family dynamics....we all want even keel...the way things used to be, but when one person changes or acts in such a way to upset the balance..the rest of the family will try to do anything to keep balance...and this can affect others in a negative way.
Please take care of yourself and I wish you the best.
The facility my mom is at has many residents with spouses on the outsides mostly due to dementia , some have been there for years and say it was very hard at first but over the years the resident was used to the facility and visiting was much easier on the spouse. Good luck
presence with outbursts,wandering up the street,anger from her wanting to gogo
back to her village in Greece, not recognizing anyone,then coming over one nite(don't know how she figured it out) and I let her just sit and observed her behavior
as she wandered to the kitchen opened a drawer and I heard the utensils being shuffled...I thought knives!!!I felt so sorry for her as she had lost all her former charm vigor and was confused...she had an episode sitting on the front lawn in an angry state...not wanting to move until I simply played a game that you play with children to distract their troubling thoughts...etc. soon for some reason I
went to her house where she lived with her caretaker son and 94 yr old husband,and I hate to say this but after taking her to get her vaccine for pneumonia (please comment here as Mom had myelodysplasia and was taken off her very expensive injections after she urinated in the lobby of the infusion center)….I guess demented people are considered upsetting to their routine once they show dementia and out of control behavior and they feel that its a waste to inconvenience them so meds stop...…...this is cancer infusions of various cocktails
of mercury laden medicines although she had low-grade myelodysplasia for three yrs and it added to her quality of life with energy …..so anyway she goes for her vaccine next day instense diareha and my brother caretaker did not take her to the doc or emergency...she sim;lly collapsed in the den..we tried carrying her out to the car should have called emergency..very heavy at this point perhaps deceased...she fell over in the back seat as I saw her black pupils with vomit as I assumed she died with asphyixiation...this very sad that she went this way.getting back to the orginal story of WHY NBOT ADMIT SOMEONE TO nh WHEN ITS OBVIOPUS THAT THEY ARE A DANGER TO THEMSELVES..WELL
MY FIRST THOUGHT IS MONEY...………….LOOSING THEIR HOUSE...why didn't the writer of question call in homecare???you see troubling behavior, is dangerous and a sign....so did my Mom die because she had a reaction to the
Vacine????or was it just her time for her organs to collapse...…...this was terrible for me and her son...…...gone then my story doesn't end as my brother died with his father sitting next to him who had dementia,I found my bro. with a seizure
who also died after a coma from brain surgery next day...…..so this time I sprung into action in my very sad reaction to loosing my brother before 97 yr old Dad
and said enough is enough he also was admitted to hospital with influenza and uti also some sort of dementia ridden nervous breakdown missing his CARETAKER son...……..and was admitted to a NUrsing home by me his daughter.Now Dad had the Veterans administration for Aid and Attendance in hindsight I should have had emergency caretakers come in after the sons funeral
or during should say but I knew one thing YOU BETTER HAVE MEDICAL SUPERVISION BEFORE PEOPPLE DIE IN YOUR HOME IN FRONT OF YOU...
UNNECESSARILY, MAYBE IT WAS THEIR TIME..AS I ADD MY FATHER SUCCUMBED IN THE NURSING HOME JUST FIVE MOS. LATER FROM TOXIC SHOCK FROM A UTI. SO WHO KNOWS LOOKS LIKE OLD FRAIL PEOPLE CAN DIE EVEN IF IN A SKILLLED NURSING FACILITY...………………...I ULTIMATLY STAYED WITH HIM UNTIL DEATH IN PALLIATIVE CARE IN A VERY BEAUTIFUL HOSPITAL ROOM....THAT I SUPERVISED WITH MONITORING
...UNTIL THE END...………….BY THE WAY FAMILY MEMBERS IMPLIED THAT I
SHOULD NEVER SIGN A DNR...…...IMPLYING THAT DEATH WILL BE SPEEDED UP[………………………………………...STUPIDITY,NAIVETE,WHO KNOWS...…...MY BROTHERS DEATH WAS THE TRAGEDY AND I FEEL I WAS NOT OBSERVANT TO STEP IN...……….CARETAKERS FIGHT TO THE END..THEY FEEL ITS THEIR DUTY AND DO Not WANT strangers coming in the home...so yes to the questioner better step in and do something before tragedy strikes and someone gets killed,slips
Good luck to you as it is so heartbreaking.
If the event you described didn't cause your father to act, I do not know what will. Certainly, your daughter cannot visit them anymore. It is not a safe place for anyone.
NAMI (National Association for Mental Illness) has a educational program called Family to Family. You might find some advice there. Apparently, police involvement is a way people with mentally ill family members have been able to get their ill loved ones to accept mental health care. The next time your mom has an episode like the one described, call the police. State that your mom is a danger to herself or others. If they agree, you might find some help.
Sit Dad down, with sibs if you have them, and tell him the facts of life. He doesn’t seem able to make a rational decision, for whatever reason. This isn’t a case of Mom being “a little off”. She’s downright homicidal. You don’t have time for Dad to poo or get off the pot. Tell Dad you are going to tour facilities and find a place for her. He may simply be waiting for someone to make up his mind for him.
You need to call the doctor and tell him what is going on. Tell him the sitter sees violent behavior to the point she requested all knives removed.. I agree with Barb, she needs a psychiatric hospital where they can monitor her medications and reactions. If she gets violent. Dad needs to call the police. She will be placed then. He can't live like this. This is far beyound "in sickness or health".