Sometimes I get so angry at my mother’s obstinance.
A few days ago some of the members on this site suggested that I allow my mom to make decisions and do things more for herself and not treat her like a child. My mom also said to an insurance agent that I treated her like a child.
Because my sister-in-law, who my mom was being taken care of by for the last 6 months treated my mom like a child, I didn’t want my mom to think of me that way.
So, my pride got in the way and I said that I wouldn’t treat mom like a child and try to let her be more independent. I let her walk up and down the stairs by herself (I walked next to her), and I let her choose her clothes each day and tried to let her feel more independent.
Well, today we went to a Christmas craft fare. She didn’t want to use her rolling walker and she didn’t want me to hold her arm because she didn’t need my help. She wanted to walk on her own and not appear helpless to the others at the fare.
She drags one of her legs because her leg is painful to bend. We give her acetamenophin to help with the pain but otherwise there isn’t anything else that can be done about her knee. She drags it.
We were walking through the parking lot and into the building where the craft fare was and she fell. She didn’t put her hands out to break her fall, she hit her head first. I was walking alongside her and she fell right in front of me and I saw the whole thing. She went from her feet to her hitting her head.
Several people witnessed it and rushed over to help. We got her to sit down on the sidewalk and after checking her over we realized there was a gash in her forehead. She was bleeding. I put a napkin over the cut to stop it from bleeding and the paramedics for our small village were called. They arrived within a few minutes, checked her out, bandaged her head, and said to keep an eye on her.
I am so very tired of people saying that those with dementia need to be not catered to and allowed to be treated as adults. My mother hit her head so very very very hard. I will never remove that image from my head.
I told my mom that I will never allow her to walk up and down the stairs ever again on her own. That if she is walking without her walker that I will hold her arm and not let go.
People with dementia CANNOT make these decisions on their own.
Those who believe that they can are fooling themselves.
I’m angry and very upset right now.
lastly, your mother is going to have falls unless she lives in bed . living in bed is a terminal condition as is dementia.
my mothers mobility became so limited that she kept a sports whistle around her neck for the last few weeks of her life so she could summon my deaf ass at any time. she had a couple of falls but she lived and died on her own terms. kinda like the oldtimers around chernobyl..
It doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. You can take charge ("treat her like a child") about some things, and step back about other things.
I like captain's analogy. Some (most?) would rather live independently and risk dying sooner than live in dependence and have a longer life. We, of course, don't want them to die before they have to and we want to eliminate risks. But no risks at all means living in bed. Somehow we have to strike a balance.
By the way, I saw my husband fall many times in the 10 years he had dementia, including many times while he was using his walker. There is no 100% guaranteed way to prevent falls. We try, of course. Try to put it behind you when it happens.
You are a good and careful caregiver, Pink. Treat your mom like an adult, but an adult who needs your help to remain safe.
We don't want this kind of "protection" for our elders. We also can not watch them every minute of the day. Just like a toddler they will find amazing ways to get into trouble. If there are activities that seem unsafe remove the tools. When the stove is a danger disconect it but leave the microwave.If the kettle burns dry get an electric one that turns itself off. Can't stop them driving leave the keys but disable the car. Lock cupboards and keep the keys on your person. Set pills in a medication box. Doing a week is more convenient for the caregiver but it may be necessary to just put each days or even each dose in a separate box. they can still independently get and take their medications but it is easier to track and preserves some autonomy. If you can afford it install a chair lift on the stairs. Insist it is used or a locked gate goes on the stairs. properly fitted footwear must be used at all times. if this is refused get some of the slipper socks like they give you in the hospital with the rubber patches on the bottom.
Keep the home clutter free and remove all loose rugs etc. Present hot drinks in a mug the elder can handle which usually means with a fairly substantial handle. Cold drinks are easier in a glass mug with a handle. Canes, walkers and rollators are non negotiable. have the Dr instruct your loved one that she has to use whatever is prescribed. holding the arm is not enough what if she takes you down with her and you break something where will the two of you be then. Choices are good. clothes, food outings, furniture placement, paint color pictures. Family caregivers for parents in their 80s and 90s are often in the 60s and 70s too so all these precautions are sensible rules for the caregiver to follow too. I am two months shy of 75 and mentally wish I wasn't but I have to realize there are things it is no longer sensible to do (like cleaning gutters)
Head injuries should always be treated seriously and checked out in an ER especially with a deep bleeding cut that may need sutures. Don't be frightened of sutures there is now a medical super glue that can be used on lots of wounds. The elder may also need a tetanus shot
Thank you everyone. I was beating myself up pretty good yesterday. The cut wasn't so bad it was the intensity of the blow to her head. She went from being on her feet to hitting her head on the concrete sidewalk. It was very scary to watch.
Mom seems to be okay. It doesn't appear to have affected her adversely. The EMTs did show up and checked her out and didn't think that she needed to go to the hospital.
I told her over and over that I will no longer allow her to walk on her own without her walker or without my holding her arm. She can still do other things on her own if she wants but if I feel that she is too unsteady to do something I will not hesitate to step in and offer her support.
Don't beat yourself up. This was a learning experience for everyone. Your mother wanted to look strong, dignified, and independent as she entered the fair. She fell. It was an accident. Despite her A/D, I bet she's more cautious. But watching her like a hawk because you're blaming yourself can be a double-edged sword. You'll have even less of a life as a full-time bodyguard; and she'll amplify the rebellious existential angst that comes with feeling so helpless all the time.
In any case, I'll have to walk a million miles in your shoes to truly grasp what you're going through. ... I don't think I'd have the strength.
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