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I thought I sent a post about this.


My mother is dying. My father visits and smells like urine, it makes me gag.


He has a catheter, which is probably the issue, but he won't get it fixed.


He also asks questions and when he is told what is going on by my sister and I he says he wants to talk to the doctor. He wants to be involved. It is such a mess.


He calls the doctors, nurses, etc all the time, they have called me and said he is confused. He is belligerent and won't listen to anyone.


My mom is in a lot of pain and doesn't want him around her asking questions over and over.


She also never settled her affairs. I don't know where her money is, things need to be paid (sadly the funeral home, etc.).


Anyway just venting.

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You have posted to us 3 or 4 times Mary, but have told us very little, almost nothing, other than that your mom is, sadly, dying of cancer, and that your family "wants to be rid of you" and that your family has warned you to stop calling oncologists, etc.

It seems that you have been warned away from participating. I would concentrate now on being a calm, gentle, supporting presence for your Mom, and avoiding all the family trauma around it involving your Dad and your sister. You cannot change them, nor interfere in them.

Now your obligation is to be loving and supportive to your Mom. I am so sorry for your coming loss.
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Mary, I'm so sorry.

Who is caring for dad? Is he living at home alone?

Has anyone contacted the social work/patient advocacy office at the hospital to get some support for your dad?

Why are the folks at the hospital calling YOU about dad? Tell them "I have no power to control him. Call APS if you think he's a vulnerable adult".

I'm sorry your mom hasn't settled her affairs. Lots of people don't.

Is hospice involved? Can she get better pain control?

As to paying for the funeral, leave that worry to your sister.
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I think you mentioned your sister is their POA. She will handle the funeral arrangements when the time comes.

If your father is driving himself to the hospital, he must not. He is mentally impaired and does not belong behind the wheel of a car any longer. Someone needs to take the keys.

If he is not driving himself, then there is nothing you can do about your father right now. You cannot control the situation.

The most important and only thing right now is for your to be a daughter to your mother. Nothing else matters right now.
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https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-family-wants-me-out-of-the-way-483761.htm

This post was recent. Why are u still trying to be involved when you said Mom has made it plain, she does not want u involved. All calls should be going to your sister who holds POA. I would hope Sis knows where the money is and will handle the funeral home. There is no need for you to know anything. Once Mom passes, the Executor will take over.

Where does Dad live. Sounds to me Dementia is involved here. Maybe he needs an aide watching over him. Or, you can watch over him. Trying to keep him away from Mom.
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Who's helping dad with all of HIS issues? He's obviously suffering from cognitive impairment and confused about what's happening to his wife! Get your sister involved, if she is also POA for dad, to get him some calming meds and a catheter change too. He's suffering as well here w/o understanding what's going on. You can't push dad out of the way as an inconvenience bc he smells or asks too many questions or annoys your mother. Consider his feelings here too. If you're crying hysterically 3x a day, how is DAD feeling?

My condolences for all the anguish your whole family is going through. Leave the POA to figure out the finances, and be there for mom AND dad as their support.
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funkygrandma59 Oct 2023
You're exactly right Lealonnie. This is the OP's father's wife and he deserves to not only be with her before she dies but also should be able to ask any questions he wants, as I'm sure he loves her even if he now has dementia.
It's a sad situation all the way around.
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Dad needs to be evaluated. His phone needs to be taken from him. Have someone act as a doctor and tell him what he wants to hear. Start slowly and get in their business, banking, bills, say your cleaning whatever to get in there. Find out what needs the attention. I wish I would have done this for my sister but I failed her!
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