Neighbors have told me that when talking to mom she tells them over and over how well my sister is taking care of her. Mom gets out of breath just walking to the bathroom and sometimes doesn’t have dinner til 8 or says she waiting on my sister to get dinner for her but she’s tired so will just go to bed.
all of my offerings or setting up meals on wheels or home nurse visits are abruptly stopped by my sister. Mom just said my sister doesn’t think she needs any of that.
now she is telling neighbors how wonderful she’s been taking care of.
Maybe your mother is content because she's being well cared for.
Every senior does not have to eat dinner at 5pm every day.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and now have my own homecare business. So I'm going to tell you from experience what to look for to know if your mom is being well cared for.
1) Does she smell bad or appear dirty and unkempt and in dirty clothes?
2) Is she living in filthy, hoarded, or dangerous conditions?
3) Is she losing weight?
4) Does she have unexplained bruises or injuries?
If you answer 'no' to these questions then your sister is adequately caring for her or even well caring for her. Dinner sometimes being late does not mean she isn't being taken care of
So instead of offering to set up Meals-on-Wheels which in my experience the food is absolutely disgusting why not commit to bringing dinner for them both a couple times a week? Instead of offering to arrange visiting nurses who for the most part are useless, why not try asking your sister what she wants or needs.
Let her tell you what she needs and how you can be helpful to them both.
I find in my long experience with homecare that the number one thing a caregiver dealing with seniors wants is time.
They want a break where someone else comes and stays for hours at a time so they can have some life to themselves.
Make your sister this offer. That you will personally commit to 'X' number of hours a week so she can have time off.
Or offer to take your mother to your house on weekends to give your sister weekends off.
I'm sure she will be very appreciative of this kind of help. Most family caregivers are.
She’s out of breath bc she has a pleural effusion and was just put on blood thinner that doesn’t require testing. I’ve offered to make meals and have had restaurants deliver delicious foods to her. My sister says mom doesn’t like it. But when I’m there and eat with her she eats every bite. I think she doesn’t like eating alone.
for her clothes I bought her 4 new outfits from Chico’s and mom loved them. But she’s never wearing them. She goes to her dr in the same clothes every time- she’s had them for years and they are all snagged and look horrible. I’ve sent dry shampoo bc she only gets upstairs once a week. She has a lift chair but only uses it when someone is there. That’s why I wanted a nurse assistance to be there a few days a week to help her shower
And if she has any kind of dementia, the fact that she tells you that she still hasn't eaten at 8:00 p.m. doesn't make it so, as she may have forgotten that she just ate 2 hours ago.
It's probably time to sit down with your sister and decide what needs to be done next as far where your mom should go.
To me it sounds like it's way past due that your mom should be in an assisted living facility, where she will be around other folks her own age, have lots of activities and 3 meals that will be served daily at the same time.
I don't understand the need to vent about caregiving when a person is not actually doing it.
Wouldn't the sister be the one who needs to vent if she's the one who is the caregiver to the mother?
We experienced this with my MIL who, unknown to us at that time, was having memory issues and gave all 3 of her sons a different version of the same story and they only figured it out when they got together and compared the stories, unintentionally.
Just saying this could be what's happening and not your sister's fault.
FYI Meals on Wheels food... my MIL wouldn't eat it, but maybe taste and quality depends on where you live.
Is your sister the PoA for your Mom? You wrote in a reply:
"Mom lives alone and the sister who watches over her has taken all of her money to the point where mom says she wouldn’t steal from me. And I would think why would she even say that until I saw the bank statements."
So, does your sister have receipts for what your Mom's money is being spent on?