How do I continue caregiving when I feel my Mom is partially to blame for the collapse of my marriage?

U need to take care of yourself right now. First on your agenda is to move back in the house and if your husband changed the locks call the police to escort you.
Next is for u to call and elder care attorney. Your Mom needs to go in a NH and whatever assets she has they will take for her care. Medicaid will pay for her continuing care.

1st and foremost, get to counseling or crises center NOW! 2nd, you have allowed your mother to overrun your life, put a stop to it NOW. Boundaries must be set and adhered to. Talk to your spouse about marriage counseling. All of this begins with you, but crisis counseling needs to happen today.

1) answering machine 2) caller ID 3) don't answer the phone 4) turn off ringer
Yea moving out of the house probably will be construed as abandonment BUT and here's the big but--my lawyer told me to stay in the house, my ex's lawyer told him to stay in the house. Oh yea, fun living with someone you are divorcing! It became a battle zone. Our house didn't sell for 18 months. I thought I was going to go insane. No house is big enough for 2 divorcing people to live in it and no house is worth it either.

With the sale of your mother's house, go rent an apartment. Get registered for low and/or moderate income housing in the meantime as there is usually a long waiting list.

Depression: been there; done that just didn't have a gun. Get some help, talk it out, even if only here. Go back to church or find another church or faith (I did) and that may make all the difference.

hugs

I am in a similar situation, but have had a lot of help to keep it from getting so far out of hand. Please go to Amazon and get this book: Boundaries Book By: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend and while taking a break from your mother, read it. Then, talk with your husband and find out if your marriage could survive if you put HIM first instead of your mother. If he's insistent on divorce, ask for marriage counseling first. And admit you were WRONG to put him on the back burner. Did you marry in a church with Biblical marriage vows....you know....'for better, for worse, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS....you would be there for him? When one marries....the spouse becomes the new #1 person. No matter what your parents think. My mother is a total narcissist herself....so I know the games, the multiple phone calls for every little thing, the guilt that can be instilled....and I've had to face all that the others here are saying. Do NOT let her ruin your life and make you a victim. Nothing will come of it. She is not capable of loving you like a normal mother and the older we get, the less likely we are to change a bit of our personalities except to get worse! The book will help you see that no parent.....or any other person....has a right to invade your life and boundaries that you set for yourself. If you can work things out with your husband, you may need to work on boundaries with him too...and to learn how not to invade others boundaries as well. It is a great book! There are others out there aimed specifically at children who are caregivers to elderly parents too. I have had to back away from my Mom by literally telling her that my own health was being ruined and if I didn't take time to care for ME, she would have NO ONE left to help her, so she needed to work WITH me and not against me. When we have parents like this, who are so needy and they want to continue to treat us like kids they can order around and manipulate, we really need to clearly understand that WE are to become the parental figure and YES...we do need to order them around sometimes, and tell them what must happen to keep them safe and OK. There is NO LAW that says you must become the only source of happiness and satisfaction for your mother! You must care for YOU first....and get those health issues diagnosed and treated, and get with someone for some counseling/therapy to keep you from being suicidal. TAKE CHARGE of yourself...get some support and help for YOU...then start working on whether or not you can create a new start with your husband by promising that he will be first before your mother. Then, learn how to limit your mother's interferences, or turn her care over to someone else. Your 'job' with your mother is to assure she is 'safe' as she ages....nothing more. If she cannot properly love you and have a relationship, you do not need to do yourself in trying to get that from her, because it's not going to be. She is NOT able to be a mother as most are. Turn this around while you can!!

Some good advice I read once was when your house is on fire you focus on dealing with the fire (getting out or putting it out) not investigating who set it on fire. To me it sounds like your world is on fire and you are suffering. For now, if you can, let it go trying to figure out who is to blame, to what degree or what you owe your mother. Let all of your focus be to put out the fire in your life - your marriage, your living situation, your finances, and your suicidal thoughts. Ask yourself how bad does it have to get for you, before you can let yourself come first? I am similar in that my mother's needs have taken over my life for much of my life. And now that she has real needs related to aging it has taken on a whole new level. Events in my life push me to the brink of making that choice....how far does it have to go before I can remember myself? So as I try to remember myself I encourage you to remember yourself too.

Your story is the one we all fear, that the elder with unreasonable demands will eat their caregiver alive. You thought you "had to" take care of your mom, and that was wrong - you also "had to" take care of your marriage and you, but that so often seems to get swept under a rug by the weight of the responsibility to the parent. You let a narcissitic and then narcisistic and demented person make major life decisions as if you had no choice but to comply. Your guilt and past abuse made it impossible for you to see it differently. Acknowledge your mistaken decisions and forgive yourself, and whether there is hope for your marriage or not depends on some things you can control (your perspective) and some things you can't (your husband's.)

The literal answer to your question "How do I continue caregiving" is that you arrange for others to do as much of it as possible. Your were abused as a child and again as an adult, and you do not have to let such abuse continue. Even states with filial responsibilty laws typically have exceptions for children who were abused.

Just as a practical matter, there are Medicaid rules for community spouses and caregivers which vary from state to state, and you may have some options for keeping Mom's home as it is an exempt asset in a spend-down or even Miller trust for her as long as her stated intention is to return to it, however unreaslistic that may be. Or it may be much more to your advantage to sell. Get the eldercare law consultation - it is totally acceptable to use Mom's funds to do that - and go with your heart to make the choices that give your mom support for her long term care but are also best for YOU. You matter, and not just as a caregiver or even a wife. YOU matter.

The divorce took 3 years & he had to pay $750/mo to his wife during that time.

You need a GOOD divorce attorney! I watched my boyfriend go through his divorce. He had been married for 10 years. They had no children. His wife gambled away $100,000. They had to sell their house to pay off 2 credit cards ($40k each) and a $60k HELOC. She STILL received 25% of his pension & profit sharing. PLUS she got $1,000 month for 10 years. Don't believe it when people say there is no more alimony! It is all about "equalization of income".

Don't sign away your rights & find a GOOD divorce attorney.

Adults who were emotionally abused during their childhood often suffer from guilt complexes, because all the while they were growing up the parent made them feel guilty. (I know---I grew up like that.)

Also---children of people with mental disorders often have mental disorders of their own. It sounds like you have co-dependency issues as well as depression. Both of those can be improved with counseling & medication. You need that, desperately.

You are exhausted. You have to take care of yourself. You have to force yourself not to fall into the web of your mother's narcissism, manipulation & personality disorder. Get out of that house. Go back to the house where your husband is. Even if you & he don't want to reconcile (I highly doubt that the marriage dissolved in only one year), stay there to be without your mother all day & all night. If you were only going there during the day, she doesn't need 24/7 care. Although, she may need 24/7 psychiatric care. Call 911 to take her to an emergency room for a psychiatric evaluation. If you don't do that, somebody is going to be calling 911 for you.

Your depression could be mimicking symptoms of other illnesses. If there is "no official diagnosis", it is highly unlikely that your doctors think you have Lupus or Sjogren's or Reynaud's. Lupus is an autoimmune disorder that doctors are generally VERY interested in, because it can be very damaging to the body. Reynaud's is uncomfortable, but not life threatening. Sjogren's is also an autoimmune disorder which a doctor would be very interested in. If your doctor "thinks" you have any autoimmune disorder, but is not willing to work you up for it, find another doctor. I have a feeling that your depression may be mimicking the symptoms of those things. You can still work with those illnesses, and the fact that you have been taking care of your mother is an indication that you can still work. Working will probably be very good for you---you'll get out of the house, you'll have interactions with people outside of your mother & husband, you'll be doing something purposeful. You have to get out of that rut you're in. You can't give up & lose hope.

After you leave your mother's house, tell her that unless she has an emergency, she cannot call. Or, tell her that she can call, but you're not going to answer the phone. Shut the ringer off on your phone. Change your number or get another phone with a different number & don't give it to her. If you don't answer & she really has an emergency, she will have to dial 911. She is manipulating you because she knows she can.

Eleanor Roosevelt said "Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission." You're allowing your mother to take advantage of you. You have to put an end to that. You married your husband, you didn't marry your mother. If you love him, work to put your marriage back together. Leave your mother & let her take care of herself. If she cannot do it, then you can call an ambulance & have her taken to the hospital for dehydration because she isn't eating, or whatever. When the hospital is ready to discharge her & she has no one home to take care of her, they cannot send her home. Stay scarce---don't let the hospital know that you are "available" to take care of her. Tell the discharge planner that she has to go into a nursing home. And let the nursing home take her house. That will give you much needed mental security. Get away from your mother's wrath. She probably controlled you while you were growing up, and she is still controlling your life. You have to stop it.

Lots of good advice here that you should heed. My own mother has dementia and I currently am on a break, having turned off my phone. She has a caregiver and know she is safe.

Time to take charge of "your" life and step away.

Angel, here are the facts that I gather about your marriage from what you wrote. .

1. "My husband and I grew apart. We stopped doing things together. " You chose to let this happen as you continued to offer yourself as a victim for your mother's abuse. Did your husband ever complain about your growing apart and ya'll stopping doing things together? I can't imagine that he didn't.


2. "Someone (usually my husband) was always going without as my mom sucked up all of my attention and strength." Again, you chose to offer yourself as a victim for your mother's abuse.

3."Now my husband has told me he wants me out, and he wants a divorce."
I'm sorry to hear this, but he probably feels terribly abandoned and like he has lost you already to your mother whom you chose to put number one in your life instead of him as your husband.

4. I saw the chance that this could happen, because living this dual life was impossible." You saw this coming and chose to ignore it as you continued to offer yourself as a victim of your mother's abuse.

If the shoe was on the other foot how would you have responded if your husband was in the same kind of situation and made the same kind of decisions. I've read the stories of wives who have mamma's boys for husbands. They usually tell the husband to chose between them and his mom or they are out suing for a divorce.

It is too easy to black sheep your abusive mother and your over reactive husband for the choices that you made and their outcome.

Angel your mother does not cause your husband to behave badly. he is responsible for himself.

Angel's husband may also be a "narc" and she could be caught in the crossfire. If that is truly the case then she is getting nothing but grief & guilt trips from both of them, making her feel she is doing something wrong or there is something "wrong" with her. Angel, it seems to me you have been doing your best to meet both their needs.

I'd put your spouse on the same side of the equation as your mother. I'll bet he is as selfish and possibly as abusive as your mother. You are well rid of tjis person who not only did not help you, but also gets a hissy fit when not given the attention he tjinks is his due. What has he done for you?

Angel19, it sounds like your mom may be narcissistic. I am 57 & still suffering from the emotional wounds she inflicted on me. Last year I finally had to go NC (no contact). I cannot add anything helpful to your situation other than you can find validation of your feelings & decisions you have made by great support groups. I am a member of two of these groups on facebook & have found comfort there. Just google narcissistic mothers or do a search on facebook.

No one else can make you "feel" guilty, you do that yourself. No one else is to "blame" for your circumstance except you. God only does good and does not "cause" dementia and prayer has scientific proof it changes brain chemistry. You choose to be depressed over your circumstance and you choose to give up by trying suicide. Get the professional help you need NOW and let others take care of themselves. When you are healthier you can focus on your life and what you want to do with it. If the marriage had been solid, nothing could have broken it. Look inward instead of outward, and promise for the new year to get rid of that gun and not try and kill yourself. We need all the caregivers to stay alive! This too shall pass, and do not ever give up!

There's a lot of good advice here. I have nothing to add to that. I just wanted to tell you that as a Raynaud's victim myself I know some of that type of pain you are dealing with. Stress is a main trigger for an attack and you are stressed big time! You need to take care of yourself now. And you will be in my prayers, Angel19.

I'm sure your not going to like this response but its true:
Enough of the pity party you made your choices if your not happy with the outcome change it. Place your Mom in a nursing home/ALF give your husband his divorce and move on. This isn't the end of your life only a chapter in it. Learn from your mistakes make the next chapter a happier one or not its again your choice. Sweetie that's what life is choices your choices.

I know. Many accurate responses and advice here. Did your husband give you an ultimatum before that you ignored? Please do not let this woman destroy you! My mother would dance on my grave if given the opportunity but I WILLL NOT give her that opportunity! Call Adult Protective Services immediately and put her in their hands. That is their proper function. Unless you reside in a state with filial responsibility laws you can walk away from this. Please do not let this woman end you. My prayers for your deliverance.

You are right, your mother is only partially to blame for the collapse of your marriage. You made the choice to allow yourself to be sucked into her guilt trips which she used as emotional blackmail to suck up all your attention and strength. You were aware that you and your husband were no longer doing things together and thus were growing apart. You saw the possibility of divorce taking place because all of your attention and strength was going to your abusive mom. I find it hard to believe that he did not complain about all of this and possibly got fed up and either said or thought of saying "it's either me or your mom"? I guess that he got tired of your giving everything to your mother and only being present in body when home. It does not sound like a dual life to me, but one of abandonment to an abusive mother.

I'm not saying this to say he was right in kicking you out, I'm just saying that I can see where his anger is coming from and that you were aware of how things were going downhill while giving in to your mother's mind control. He should have been supportive in telling you not to do so much for a mother like that and that ya'll needed to go to couple's counseling to get help for dealing with your mother, but he was probably too tied up in his own anger to think of doing that.

I am also saying that I don't think you are really in a position to go tell him do this for me because he's probably still very angry and hurt. I think you are in a better position to tell your husband that over the past year you have made some mistakes, would he help you escape your abusive mom, would he be wiling to work on rebuilding your marriage, and would he help you get therapy in order to gain your emotional freedom from your mother as well as go to couple's therapy as well. It takes more than one person to breakup a marriage and in this case there was three. Eliminate the input of the third person, your mom, and I think the two of you with hard work can rebuild your marriage and life.

TAKE BREAK FROM MOM!!! NO calls, no emails, no visits. Period. For at least a month. Let her call 911 or SS if she needs help. I've done this for 30 days when I needed a mental health break from my mom.

I know how this can affect your marriage, family and friend relationships. It's toxic. I have learned to set boundaries for my health and welbeing. My husband has been very supportive but he also helped me realize I needed to set limits as I told him once it affected our marriage to tell me first so it wouldn't get bad, and that is what has happened, we headed off the bad before we let it tear us apart.

Get into therapy and possibly get treated for depression as you have a lot more than mom going in.

Lastly, go home. Live in the basement or other room in the house while you figure things out. If hubby wants you out--then tell him to help you find subsidized apt and assist with the deposit, rent, utilities for a while if he wants your cooperation with a divorce.

If you love your dogs, suicide is not an option. Where will that leave them.

You are young, and have your whole life ahead to bounce back from this and get a fresh start. Stop feeling helpless and get going to start a phase 2 of your life. Start by seeing a dr or therapist and getting mentally healthy. Next commit to making the most of your physical health, get a part time job or volunteer til you find a paying job...but get out of yourself and away from these toxic relationships to start anew. LIFE will get better. This is only a blip in your whole life.

If you vacate the house the law will see that as abandoning the property and could reward it to hubby in the divorce. Get a lawyer immediately and move back in.

Having said that, I also believe that you made the wrong choices. You mom should not have been your first priority, but whats done is done. Get help for yourself immediately, call 911 or go to an emergency room if you feel suicidal. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You don't have to feel the way you do, there is help. The way you get your life back is to no longer take calls from mom, and have her placed in a nursing home. She can apply for medicaid, the house does not need to be sold. You do not need to be her caregiver. You need to take care of you.

Angel

Get a lawyer ASAP and move back in the house. Your husband had no right to "throw" you out. He's going to make it look like you up and left on your own. File for divorce pronto. You have an advantage if you're the one initiating proceedings.
Get your mom into assisted living.
And see a therapist.

Get our of the house for a couple of days. is there someone you could stay with or a pet friendly hotel where you can stay with the dogs. Sleep eat and walk if you can. put it on the credit card.
You know hubby can't throw you out so go back. He can leave if he wants to. call adult protective services and tell them you mother is in an unsafe situation (if she is without you) and need to be placed. You are too sick to continue with her care. She is a vicious person kicking and kicking you. If you are only 45 she is probably not that old. Why does she need so much help? Take care of yourself first and make that phone call to the lawyer.

60 calls a day? Your marriage did not stand a chance. Time to accept responsibility for your choices, get the help you need to enjoy the rest of your life. It is a move forward only you can make. Wishing you all the best!

Angels, I see from your profile "She has been diagnosed with multiple psychiatric disorders. Throughout my childhood/adolescence my mom was in and out of various psychiatric facilities."

That tells me that in trying to take care of her you were in over your head even if the dementia had not started in 2013.

Your mother probably needs to go on medicaid and become a ward of the state to care for her the rest of her life.

Adult children who were abused by their parents often get sucked into being their elderly parent's caregiver because of the guilt that the parent inflicts but also because of the desire to show more or dad enough love that mom or dad will change and be the loving parent that they never were. News flash, and never will be. Your mother is what she is and you can't fix, heal or change her. You did not make her become how she is, she made her own choices in life to become who she is. The only person you can really do anything about is yourself.

Also, it is not healthy for you to be living in your mother's house. She has you where she wants you for as she told you that was the reason that she had you. Somehow, you need to get yourself out of that abusive environment. Stop offering yourself to be a victim of your mother's abuse.

I'm sorry that your marriage is on the rocks. That sounds like it is collateral damage due to the situation. Right now it sounds like you need to get some help for you. I wonder how much of your depression is anger directed inward at yourself? You need to see a doctor, a therapist and a psychiatrist. If you are still suicidal, then call 911 for your own well being.

If your mother throws a fit when you don't answer her calls, tell her she's free to call 911 in an emergency. In the case that she gets admitted to a hospital, do not agree to continue caring for her at home.

Why do you need to sell mom's house to get her in a nursing home?

Please consult an elder care lawyer ( you can usually get a free half hour phone consult). Stop taking your mom's phone calls. One per day maximum. Get yourself to a doctor for a workup and stop diagnosing yourself. I'm sorry for your marriage troubles.