Mom is verbally abusive, while claiming I'm the abuser. Any advice?

Reality check:
Time for an ALF or better yet a residential care home with fewer people for her to befriend against you.
BEWARE Adult Protective Services. This is little more than a tool for the abusive parent to use against you the caregiver. They can get you in a world of trouble if they wish to, even though you are the only one willing to truly care for them and their wellbeing. There are a multitude of vultures out there waiting to take advantage of your parent after you are taken out of the picture. I've been through it all and am still fighting this battle. Your parent, just like my mother, has no idea what they will lose if they are successful in your destruction. Narcissists truly believe that everyone is more than happy to wait on them "hand and foot" and cannot understand why you would be reluctant to suffer this abuse. In layman's terms they are nuts!
When they get into a facility, fully expect them to befriend someone against you and prepare to defend yourself once again. They will also complain to you about how they are treated and want you to take up the standard in their defense. This also will make you look like an over reactive fool. Do not fall for it! As long as they are warm, clean and fed do NOT address the staff about minor complaints; it will only escalate contentions as please the snot out of your elder if they know people are fighting over them.
We must wear tough as nails armor if we are to survive caring for the wicked.

Emm4z, I'm interested to know, along with Jeanne, if your husband has always been like this. My ex was. It took me 24 years of bending myself into every shape possible to see that his perception of the world wasn't going to change. Get a therapist and a divorce mediator or lawyer. You don't have to live like this.

Just wanted to add to my previous post: ...although mom has always been this way, now that she is 86, along with all her ailments and treatments, the behaviors are now GREATLY amplified. Something to consider. Rational reasoning is not part of the equation. So it does make it much trickier for the caregivers.

Thanks for the links cmagnum! Helpful and insightful. I'm not looking for sympathy or venting, just talking and I just want iamcinderella and any others to know these behaviors are common in very old, sick people as the "experts" we have been working with this past week have been telling us. Sad to say but true. Actually, mom has been like this ever since I've known her which was 58 years ago. When mom had her stroke and was first in the hospital 6.5 yrs ago, is when WE were made aware that she had stage IV cancer. Apparently she had known she had cancer for several years prior and had never done anything about it. Well, from my limited knowledge and limited doctors input at that time, I made her a promise she would not have to live alone, or be put away, thinking we'd only have her around 6 more months, maybe a year at the most. Well, being the stubborn, bull-headed Sicilian that she is, she is still kicking and pulling her passive-agressive bs, albeit 70 pounds less and several inches shorter - 6 and a half years later ! She is physically incapable for many things, so it is what it is. I dont break promises and I dont jump ship when things get hard, but it was past time for change which she had totally resisted with every ounce of failing muscle, until the old fan cliche happened. (and money to pay for long term care was/is an issue too)
I read the F.O.G. and the third type fits her to a T. However, Mom is very scared, doesnt want to die, wants to show she isn't worthless or incapacitated, which she says to me daily! ,and I in turn ask her, "then why dont you do it?" (having chemo brain is not helping either. chemo actually is working to back off and hold off the cancer spread and it is her choice to continue with treatment) She is very attached to her "things" furniture and house included. She has never been one to clearly express her needs or self-advocate, just sullen pouting and pissy comments, then one sunny day just explodes.
Through all this I do still work 60+ hrs a week as a special ed high school teacher with an overloaded case load, (not enough teachers or funding) so sacrificing me for others is an unwritten part of the contract. All "effective and highly effective teachers" do it. (these two words are part of the new evaluation system and only those meeting that criteria get to keep their jobs) So therefore, it just carries on over to other parts of my little world. My husband is still standing by me, as he was helping out for my sake, and my daughter is almost 40 and has her family. But anyway... to all those who have soft hearts and carry feelings of compassion for others, dont despair. Do your best in doing what you feel is right and appropriate, dont take all the crapola personally, read about & talk to those who are professionals in geriatrics/specific health conditions and best wishes to anyone who is having to help someone deal with their end years of life. Stay calm and carry on. Sincerely. BOA PS- do carefully consider any promises you are tempted make under emotional duress :)

MarySSG, did her treating you like slaves start with dementia or has she always been this way and the dementia has only made it worse?

What I'm trying to do is get some sense of how much of this may just be a very emotionally abusive personality and how much of this is from dementia. If she's always been this way, then I suggest reading the above mentioned thread about the power of emotional blackmailers.

When you speak of us, are you speaking of you and your siblings or someone else?

How old is she? Is she able to do more for herself?

Has she always been a very dependent person for her whole life? Some people are for some reason. I guess that they want to stay a baby forever with others looking out for them and talking full responsibility for them while they continue to make demands with a sense of entitlement.

I'm glad that you are learning to say no. She can't be allowed to find a sense of control in her out of control life by taking complete control of you. That is not healthy for her or for you.

Are you living in her house or is she living in yours? How long have you been helping your mother? What kind of life did you have before deciding to help your mom?

I hope for the best for you in dealing with all that mess. Try to stay calm, take good care of you and if need be just repeat saying no to her like a broken record without getting into a fight. Unless a person is just totally out of it mentally, the broken record approach of repeating just saying no is usually effective. It is not effective with people who cannot be reasoned with because of something like dementia/Alzheimer's or because of something about their personality that just refuses to listen to reason.

Also my mother (early stage dementia) acts entitled and treats us like "slaves". Literally, she addresses us as "slaves" and demands we serve her dinner and get her dessert, etc. It's very degrading and challenging. I'm learning to say "no". She is a person with no control over her life and is completely dependent on me so I realize she needs to have some sense of control. How do I deal with it?

I disagree that abuse is in the eye of the beholder. That is what some types of emotional/verbal abusers want you to believe, but it is not true.

I highly recommend reading a new thread on this site about "The Power of Emotional Blackmailers"

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm

The thread not only includes a detailed description of the dynamics of emotional blackmail, but also a practical prescription for how to defeat it.

Cinderella and BurnedOutAnnie, each of you are dealing with a verbally abusive emotional blackmailing person and claiming that you are the one doing the abusing is just part of their game.

Unfortunately, each of you are in a dependent position by living in your mother's home. That makes it too easy for her to regain her former role as mom again and view you as her little girl instead of as her adult daughter.

You have to set boundaries with people who play such manipulative guilt trips. The more you comply and give in, the more you reward their emotional blackmail, the weaker you become and the more powerful they become. It takes two for a manipulator to win and all they really care about is doing anything they must to not lose. The manipulator will not change playing their guilt trips, but the person being manipulated does not have to continue to play their part of this emotional/psychological dance.

BurnedOutAnnie, do not let your mother come back to the house from assisted living.

I'll ask you the same question that jeannegibbs asked Cinderella three days ago, "So are you willing to live with this crap for the next 20 to 25 years? Or are you ready to start living your life?"

BurnedOutAnnie, are you still working or did you have to quit your job? I could not really tell from your post although I did see where your husband had lost his job due to being laid off. When you stated that your husband was banished does that mean that she through him out of the house? I'm glad that he did not cave in to her demands! I wouldn't of either. So where is your husband now? With all of the emotional blackmail and abuse going on in that house form your mother, I am frankly surprised that your husband and daughter have not left the house for their own peace of mind and sanity.

Several years ago, my wife was not willing to stand up to her emotional blackmailing mother although my wife had agreed with me that we needed some physical boundaries away from her narcissitic/borderline 'mommy dearest' her majesty the queen mom! Her therapist had been working with her toward that goal, but she was not ready to face it. Well, I was ready to face it and was tired to fighting her battles for her because she always chose to hide behind me. So, with the advice and support of my therapist and the agreement of her therapist, I told my wife that in response to her breaking a boundary that we had both agreed upon for the good of our household, that on Friday, I was leaving with our two boys for our own well being and mental health and we left. Well, long story short, that action eventually got my wife's attention and she decided to stand up to her mother herself and has lived in much freedom from the power of emotional blackmail since.

So the whole thing basically comes down to the question of what are you looking for here? The choice is yours.

Are you looking for sympathy and to vent. Well, you have my sympathy and the sympathy of many others, so vent on as much as you need to!

Are you looking for change and advice to get freedom from the power of emotional blackmail and abuse, then start emotionally distancing yourself from your mother, focus more on your relationship with your husband and your daughter as well as read and follow the advice about how to defeat the power of emotional blackmailers on that thread that I mentioned. Look for the post that begins with the phrase "How it is defeated"

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm

I wish you the best in your journey. Continue to do things to stay calm, and healthy all around. It is not an easy fight to freedom, but it can be done and is much better than remaining the enslaved maid.

Wow! I refer to myself as Cinderella too!!! I know exactly what you are dealing with. I have been caring for mom for over 6 years as the primary caregiver and my husband primary caregiver #2. She had a pretty good deal money wise. It cost her next to nothing for her to stay in her home while I left my home to come help. Then when she got too bad to stay by herself while I went to work my husband, who had been laid off, took over full time during the day. He had always taken her to all her appointments every week, did the yard, helped me with housework, cooking, marketing, etc. but then he was there all the time so she wouldn't let strangers or solicitors into the house and make sure she didnt continue to drop and break things and leave glass on the floor for me to clean up when I got home etc… which she always lied about. Yet, she does nothing but complain about how horrible we are to to her to everyone she meets. She gripes about how we always tell her what to do and that we won't feed her (translates to what she wants to eat all the time: cookies, cake, ice cream, candy, etc. ) instead of excellent, good food which will hopefully help to not have another stroke (the food which she often dumps secretly in the garbage can by her bed and then denies it, but the dog gives it away). We tell her to drink her water (so she doesnt have to go back into hospital for dehydration again as she would pour her water down the drain or just plain lie about it), do the exercises PT and OT told her to do when she got out of rehab from breaking her hip, (refuses!) She gets chemo three times a month and has had cataracts for years because she can't get them removed because of a blocked carotid artery and on and on. And we can't/couldnt go anywhere or do anything but have done what was right, (she refused to pay out help and wants nothing to do with being around people her age 86 yrs old) but last week she decided to totally turn, ignited by how much she hates the hospital bed she was supposed to have for rehab for her hip, and the special sheets I "make" her use, which has been a point of contention for the past three months. We had to get rid of her king size bed which she has had since 1971. Actually, we kept the headboard and the night tables and just got rid of the mattress which was very high (she is only 4'8" now) and lopsided. Anyway, she called police twice and was then placed in an assisted living home which she of course, Hates. I am told by everyone (police, firemen, social workers, nurses, etc) this complaining, hating the caregiver behavior happens all the time and is unfortunately very normal. So to your opening question, who is it being abused? Apparently, it depends on the eyes of the beholder and there is no answer for it. My assistant at work, who is quite young, has the same situation at her home with the father. Her poor mother and the family go through these things everyday that we are also trying to cope with. Doesn't it seem there needs to be a better system in order to cover costs and deal with the drama and trauma this causes many thousands of families every day? We've done what we needed to and what was right to help, not knowing at the outset that it was going to be for soooo long, but unfortunately in the end it builds into an anger which overtakes everyone for what was meant in all goodness, and that is the saddest part of all. I can only say, so many of us are in the same boat (house) to which there is no easy answer, short of running away from home! I dont know how long my mother will stay there, I could see her sabotaging it and being asked to leave. It will come back on me once more (I am an only child and there is no one else but my daughter who is angry too about the unfounded complaints and my husband was banished because he wouldn't cave in to her demands) It is hard, and it seems daunting everyday, endless in fact, however, if we can push past the manipulative guilt trips constantly played on us we can overcome and look forward to becoming the belle instead of remaining the housemaid. Try to do things to stay calm, stay healthy in body, mind, and spirit. Of course, easier said than done :) But my best wishes to you ! - from one Cinderella to another.

emmm4z, have you always been his servant wife, or is this new? Does he have any signs of dementia? Does he need caregiving? Could he live on his own? A few more details might help get specific responses.

In fact, you might what to start a new thread with this, to get a broader range of responses.

Well, this sounds much like my story also, except that it's not my mother, it's my husband. He just turned 80, has serious heart disease but just got a pacemaker so he could live another 15 years or so. I'm afraid he'll outlive me even though I'm 19 years younger. I'm his servant wife and that same as the others - he's verbally abusive to me but insists I'm the one that's abusive to him. I love him but it's taking a toll on me. When he has angina pain he insists it's because I'm causing him stress, but doesn't understand the stress he's causing me. What to do?

You need to get out of there, for your own sanity and safety.

I am so sorry; I know the feeling. My mother had forgotten that I was married. Upon gently and kindly talking about my wedding in front of her where she sat on the front row, she suddenly became furious...I was slapped at, kicked at, and pushed. (I was able to jump out of the way). BUT, then I realized she thought I was her 12-year old little girl !! Her mind completely skipped about 30 years. I took pity.

Having a narcissistic manipulative mentally ill mother who now also has dementia, I totally agree with cmag and Jeanne. There is no way I could or would do hands on caregiving for my mother, never mind my age of 77, (mother is 102). Your mother could live quite a few more years. Cmag is right that that little voice is guilt she planted in you during your childhood. Your bro is the golden child and you are the servant child. Me too. My mother is cared for by others - at a distance. I do not live in her city. I help as needed by taking care of her finances, helping with decisions re her care, I have POA and so on. I rely on others in her city to do the hands on stuff and I stay away from her as much as possible. I have seen her twice in the past year - an all time low, but her paranoia combined with Borderline Personality Disorder made visiting her too stressful for me. As the servant child, we are also the scapegoats - the cause of the wrongs in their lives and are supposed to fix things - even when there really is nothing wrong except in their minds.. I have health issues that are exacerbated by, if not caused by, stress from my mother and, as I see it, my first responsibility is to myself.

Your first responsibility to yourself. Learn about narcissism and detaching, and then do it. Start focussing in your own life and building it up. Your mother will not like it and will probably increase her bids for your attention and also say things that are hurtful to you. Try to not take it to heart - not easy I know. Therapy/counselling would be helpful for you in making this transition. Accept that your mother is who she is and likely will not change, and grieve the loss/lack of the mother that you deserve/needed. This is an important step in accepting the realities and moving forward. Keep coming here to get support for making these changes.

Good luck and ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Here is what therapist Pauline Boss writes about this situation:

"Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. Feeling as if you want to retaliate is also dangerous. These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver. ... Each case is different, but with most, I encourage some kind of continued management -- often through a social worker -- to make sure that the caregiving team or the nursing home professionals are treating your family member well. This may be the best you can do given your history together."

If your mother can afford to hire and pay you as her caregiver, then she probably can afford to hire extra caregivers so that you can have more of a life.

I'd suggest that you start looking upon her as another client as you create your own space, save up money and eventually get out of the house on your own.

You really can't afford personally nor professionally as a caregiver to live with someone who is accusing you of being abusive when they are the one being abusive.

I don't agree with those who tell wives of abusive husbands to just go back home and love them more and they'll stop abusing you. It never works and too often the poor wife ends up dead or extremely injured, but sometimes they just quit going back and move on with their lives.

Thus, I don't advise adult children to return to abusive parents who have been abusive for their entire life and particularly if they are claiming they, the parent, are claiming they are the victim of abuse when they are in fact the abuser!

Save your life and career and get out of there as soon as you can. If you were an abused spouse, I'd tell you to leave tonight for an a woman's abuse shelter. Those don't exist for victims of elder abuse.

iamcinderella, your name says so much. Your story and mine sound very similar. My mother, I am pretty sure, does not feel love for people. She probably has loved me the least. She is from a time when men were held up and women were mainly for breeding and housework. She has told me a few times that she wished she had been born a man. She was more proud of her sons. The difference in treatment was striking. They got clothes, cars, and education. I had to pay for these things myself. It's okay. I turned out to be pretty self reliant, though unfortunately I learned not to ask for help. That is still a problem with me.

My mother was dreadful the first 3 years I was here. She has dementia, diabetes, hypertension, and severe arthritis in her spine. This group was great for venting. I was never comfortable saying the unkind things about my mother, but they were true. In reality, I softened them before I spoke because I felt bad airing dirty laundry.

The good news is that in the last two years she has become softer. I think she realizes that it either me or a nursing home. Life has been more tolerable. There is a huge difference between my mother and yours, and that is age. Mine is 88, so probably doesn't have too many more years on earth. Yours is much younger.

One question I think is a big one is if you really want to stay or not. If you do want to stay, you'll have to find some way to build a life separate from your mother. Home health is a good field to be in. You'll rarely be out of work unless you want to be. I also like that you were able to find a way to get paid for taking care of your mother. Good job. :)

If you want to stay, the best advice I have is to pull back and look at things objectively. It isn't your fault your mother doesn't seem to love you. It may have to do with something she feels about females or some other thing you have no control over. When you realize it isn't you, you can hear her abuse from a distance and not take it personally. You can do the things that need to be done and be kind, but not get pulled into the dysfunction. She may like to push your buttons. She may be looking for the response that she thinks will come. When the response doesn't come, she may stop. We never know what may happen.

Although staying with your mother is guaranteed to reopen old wounds, it does offer an opportunity to understand things in your life. For example, I can tell you have ambivalence about your career path. It could be that what you did was not important when you were a child, so it didn't give you the direction you needed. I don't know if this is true, but there is so much to discover. So reliving old things can be good and bad. The decision is yours whether you want to stay or go. We are with you either way.

And BTW, if she is claiming abuse, she could get you into real certified trouble. Please protect yourself. Let someone else to the paid caregiver stint, and get yourself out of there!

So, do you plan on taking this crap for the next 20 to 25 years? Or are you ready to start living your own life?

If you are here to vent and to get some sympathy, you certainly have mine! Being raised in a dysfunctional family and then getting conned into continuing in the relationship as an adult is dreadful.

If you are here to get some advice about what to do, start distancing yourself from your mother. Have the agency send a different caregiver to her, and you take on another client. And start looking for an apartment. And see a therapist. Then start looking for other work (unless you are passionate about caregiving).

She's 71 and you have two college degrees? Yeah, as a narcissistic mother, she would let you kill yourself or basically destroy yourself in being her enslaved daughter as a free 24/7 caregiver.

That little voice on the inside is one of those emotional buttons that she put in you as a child that she can press at will with almost certainty that you will go into an auto-pilot mode and loose yourself in the most recent demand from her Fear, Obligation, and Guilt emotional blackmail game which I like to call FOG. Her FOG is still very strong with you, but you must find freedom from it or she will suck you into her dark world completely and you don't want to go there.

What are your college degrees in? What did you do with your education after college and before starting to take care of your mother?

My Mother is 71 years old.

I get along with her sister quite well, my uncle get along, but when it comes to someone needing a favor of him, ha! Yes, my brother is the golden child and always has been. He drives a school bus for a living and drops in before/after his runs for a few minutes. I've tried so many times to have conversations with him about what I go through. Once, I asked him if he'd stay here and let me go someplace else for an entire night. His answer: "You're used to being here, not me." and he was out the door.
Mom goes to a Dr. for her meds every month, but that's really about it. I'd love to have a complete evaluation of her. She's not had that since the incident in "10" I've had friends advise me that she'd be fine without me, but I just have that little voice in my head that tells me she'd never make it. She has mobility issues, diabetes, heart problems, BP issues, etc.

I am currently (get ready) a home health care provider. They gave her to me as a client. I have her and one other, but from time to time get the opportunity for a fill in for more hours. I am qualified, however to work doing most anything. I have a couple of college degrees, but have not fully pursued a better position due to her. Oh gosh, I could write a book about my experiences with her, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who could honestly say that. I would seriously die for her, and I believe that she would, with good faith let me.
Yes, I looked up the narcissism in mothers on here, you're right. She's a shoe in.

No people do not attack and abuse those they love the most. the abuse and attack those whom they think will let them get away with it. The older she gets the less she will be able to hold back her full personality and if you add dementia to that, it can really get back.

Psychologically speaking it is the little girl deep inside that feels awkward or bad about talking about your mother this way, That is a normal feeling of victims of abuse. However, like you say it is either talk about what your life really has been like and is really like with a hateful mom or have an even worse day because of keeping it all inside.

How old is your mom?

Oh yes. We understand. Some of us from personal experience, and some of us from reading MANY similar posts on this site.

Of course you want your mother to love you. She apparently doesn't. Sad? Oh my goodness, Sad, sad, sad! What can you do to fix that? Nothing. Nothing at all.

My advice is to get out of this abusive situation. Can you support yourself? What do you/did you do for a living? Where did you live before you moved in with Mother?

I do not advocate simply moving out on Mother. For your own self-respect you need to see that she'll be taken care of. There are lots of options, depending on the financial situation. If you decide you want to go back to living your own life, there are lots of us who can give advice about how to do it.

Welcome. We are glad you found this site as we are also glad to have found this site. We will be patient and feel free to take your time in posting what is going on. Feel free to vent as much as you need to.

It is understandable that you want your mother to love and appreciate you and it is not your fault that she doesn't. Evidently your brother is her golden child and highly favored one. You can forget getting his help or her ever changing into the parent that you never had.

The best thing you can do is to put yourself on a healthy path of treating yourself like a loving mother would treat her daughter.

Know this. You didn't make her the way she is. It is not your fault. She is the combination of her life experiences and how she chose to respond to them plus any personality issues (like narcissism or borderline which you can search this site about in the site search in the upper right hand corner of this page.). Also, you can't fix her and you can't control her. The only person that you can really do anything about is you. A big part of that is learning to detach with love which this site has some articles about as well. This is not going to be easy at all and will be even harder since you are living in her house which often brings back that early parent-child emotional dynamic because you are in her house.

How is your relationship with her sister up the street and the brother who lives 30 minutes away? Are they like her or do they have healthier personalities? If so, would they be willing to help you in some way?

Other than mobility issues, what other health problems does your mother have? How much help does she really need at home right now?

Does anyone happen to have medical or durable POA for her? For your sake and hers, I sure hope someone does.

How long has it been since she has seen her doctor and gotten an overall evaluation of her health? She does not sounds to me like someone who is very willing to see a doctor.

Well, I've posted long enough and asked plenty of questions, but I cheering you on in your journey which I believe that you can make progress in. You have taken the first step in finding this site and asking your question.

I have been here quite awhile. She's been completely dependent on me since she got extremely sick in 2010. She was next to death, and did temporarily lose her ability to walk at all. I found then that I have no one else in the world. I could not even get a family member to come sit with her while I ran errands. She's since regained her walking ability, but it's not great. She has many other health problems as well.
Before hand: She never showed me much attention growing up, it actually gets worse the older I get. Most just tell me that those who suffer attack the ones they love the most, but this has been a progression with her and I. I honestly feel badly even talking about it. It's like I'm trying to bash her, but it's talk about it, or I get even more exhausted. So, I sat out to see if someone, a stranger would understand.

How long have you been living with your mother? What were your circumstances before that happened?

There will be options. I wish I could say that they could be easy, but I'm afraid it looks as if it will be a long haul. Long, but worth it! - and in the end not only better for you, but healthier for your mother too. Keep posting, hugs to you.

I just started on this site tonight. Please be patient if I don't answer right away, I just needed to talk to someone. Today has been an exhausting one. I appreciate your quick responses soo much.

I am in her home. I've wanted her to love and appreciate me my entire life, but nothing makes that happen. I do have an older brother who just visits for a few minutes and leaves. She loves him with her whole heart and soul. I've asked for his help and cannot get it. She has a local sister, (just up the street) a brother about a 30 minute drive away and other siblings out of state.

What would you do with a spouse who acted like this? You would get a divorce because on the heels of verbal abuse soon comes physical abuse like throwing things at you.

She hasn't like you for your entire life, that is not going to change now regardless of how much love you show her. Does she dislike your siblings too?

Are you in her home or is she in your home?

Find some way to get out of this and have others to take care of her.

You get a "divorce" any time the relationship is abusive. In her case, you move her to a care facility where she can complain about them and then be glad to see YOU.