Mom lives in garage apartment on my sister and brother-in-laws property. They are due home tonight after a two week vacation. I don't know how I would have lasted must longer. I totally give up the tv remote to her - she is 85 and has hearing aids but has the tv so loud it is frustrating. She complains it is too cold then complains it is too hot. she stays in her winter pj's all day. When she said she was hot I said change your clothes but she did not. She will put on a sweater when she is cold but still complains. Her apartment is about 20-25 minutes away and I offered to take her there during the day then bring her home but no she said she wanted to stay here with me. Is it rude for me just to go in my room to have time to myself. I have no one living with me. My grandchildren come over a lot but they are fun and easier to communicate with and please. My sister and I feel guilty about not having patience with her. When the phone rings she stares at you until you tell her who you are talking to then wants to know everything that has been said. She can fix herself food in her microwave and I want to try to encourage her to stay in her apartment during the day if my sister goes out of town again more that a couple of days. She has a cell phone phone and knows how to use it. I am just so glad my sister will be meeting me tomorrow to get mom. She wants to pay for my meal when we go out and offers to pay for some of the groceries. She just has these obsessions such as when I have fixed a meal then get up to go to another room and come back she has emptied my drink in the sink and thrown my food in the trash. She does this in a fast food place, too. She throws my drink away when I plan to take it with me. These are just a few of the things she does. She does not want me to put my cat outside if it is cold or raining. On and on. Think I may need to find a support group. What are your thoughts?
I do understand parents being hard on their children. This is usually when I encountered these 'Parents' in the Nursing Home. I am not tooting my own horn by any means as they came in the way everyone has described! It seemed I did have a Knack to calm and settle them into being 'Nice'. Oh I did encounter problems, but I tried working on them harder. Some Nurses would give up on these patients and only do the bare minimum job.
When I stated bay-backs are a bitxx, my meaning was (we may all be at that point sooner than we want or dreamed)
My opinion is they still don't wish to be this way, they simply can't help themselves.
I still owe everyone a heartfelt apology and hope you can now understand me a bit better.
I have had family members come to me stating they don't know how we do it! They have maybe been visiting with the parent for only an hour or so and still getting the 'wrath' of their parent.
I don't think most of us want to be mean to our parents and I know the heartache they can give to their children. I don't like 'heavy medicine' of any kind given to them. I have seen what this can cause.
Please forgive me as I was wrong in my other post.
Payback is a b***h, but as you are finding out, sometimes it lands on people who didn't do anything to get paid back for. I can understand you and your daughter, because my DH starts swearing when he looks for things, and my daughter also treats me like I'm stupid. I wish we could all just be nice to each other, but sometimes we can't. You sound like you deserve to be loved, and I hope you get some love from someone.
This visit has been an eye opener for you, hasn't it? It does sound like your mother has some dementia. We all know what it's like to be driven crazy like this.
You need to begin to believe and accept that your mother can't really control her behavior. She isn't doing it to spite you. She is losing her marbles, and doesn't know it, but suspects that something is wrong. She is frightened and trying to control things so she will be safe. You need to let her do what she's going to do, and ignore it as much as you can. You need to be sweet to her whenever you possibly can. Hug her and tell her you love her, if you ever did, if she was ever good to you.
You know what it's like to have a two-year-old around? They can walk and grab things, but they really have no brain yet. You can't have your nice china out and expect them not to break it.
Your mother is now like that, annoying, disruptive, and inconvenient. When you are around her, that's how she will act. You need to breathe deeply and plaster a smile on your face. You are NOT bad for disliking being around her, but as a responsible, loving child, you need to figure out how to keep her safe without losing your mind.
Somethings that may drive me crazy (like when I want to scream at my father when he constantly tells me how bored he is yet resists every effort to engage him in an activity) might be easily brushed off by someone else. And, things that may make one person want to jump off a bridge (like my sibling being unable to just let dad tell them how to get there and where to park when she takes him shopping) don't bother me at all.
This is a very individual journey we're all taking and we can be more supportive if we try to acknowledge that we all have different limits. Offering a 'reality check' is one thing, lambasting someone for being an 'hateful' child is quite another.
I'm often biting my tongue on this site, sometimes just dying to scream "martyr!" at some of the posters who seem to have no limits to what they'll sacrifice materially and emotionally in service of their parent. I remind myself that they are doing what they feel they should do and want to do and so am I and we're both 'right'.
I hope you find someone to love and care for you. I wish my mother would change and love me. Very sad comments.
I despise getting older and I am afraid everything I do will not be to my daughters liking. Just looking for something and if it takes longer I get a rushed and angry as she finds it and says 'HERE'
I am not a child and dislike being treated like one. I know I am stupid! I trusted my son with my POA and he has stole me blind.
When I mention how I want to warn others of how this can happen, but am reminded I don't explain things right.
I am sick of you younger children treating elders and even lecturing them. I don't want to bother any one especially my children!! But I have found it is best to leave them alone and NEVER do things like I have done all my life. Never open my mouth because I will sound and be stupid.
I was a Nurse in a Nursing Home and could never have treated a 'Resident' as I have been treated.
PAY-BACKS WILL BE A Bitcx TO YOU AND YOU WILL DESERVE IT!
It was only for two weeks that you had to surrender the remote so don't fret, there are multiple re-runs. Perhaps you can wear ear plugs and read a book.
I understand your feelings, I did not have any desire to spend time with my mother and an overnight visit was my limit, my husband thought a couple of hours was too much. For our sanity we were blessed with her sudden death at 69 so did not have to face taking care of her. I realized in my 60s that I did not actually like my mother but could only admit it openly when my son said one day "You know I really did not like granny" and a light bulb went off. From my teens I could not bear to touch her or kiss her and hid everything I possibly could from her. I left home at 16! Your story sounds very like me so be thankful your sister and her husband have taken on the caregiving task Take care I know it is not easy but your burden is light compared to most on this site
Secondly, how about taking her to the local senior center daily where she can have some activity socialization in the mornings and have lunch there. You can pick her up afterwards or sometimes they have bus service. By afternoon, she may be ready for a nap. You can spend early evening together for a walk, tea, early dinner that you share together. Maybe you cook and bring over to her than eat together or keep her company while she eats.
Leave and tell her you'll give a quick call before she goes to bed.
Luckily she seems pretty self sufficient, just a little bored and lonely.
Try the senior center, maybe go with her a couple times til she is comfortable.
Your time with your Mom is so short. It's unfortunate that you don't realize how precious life is...When I came to this realization, I found it was my pleasure to take Mom out for drives, coffee, shopping (even to the point when she was in a wheelchair), asking questions about her life and sharing time together...
Be thankful your sister is so generous. I pray you will do some soul searching and forgive your mom of these petty grievances and learn to love unconditionally.
The other thing I need to say is you need to pull on your big girl panties and get a grip on reality. What you are mentioning is so small and insignificant in the overall picture of life. We all go through this and so much more on a daily basis that if you lived our lives you might not make it.
Sometimes we all have to tell a white lie to leave the room, my room was my safe haven, until Mom decided that she could rip the door open at all times of the day or night, flip the light on and wake me up, wanting to know if the dog had been fed. This same question is repeated a minimum of 50 times a day. I now make signs and tape them to my door and every place else, but it hasn't stopped the questions....she doesn't want to read the sign!!!!
When you have children you learn how to tune out a lot of the stuff you just get tired of hearing....like "Jimmy is touching me!" Well guess what you have to regain that skill with elderly parents too at times. I cannot even tell you how many times I just have to ignore or not answer a question my parent has asked or a statement they have made for the 30th time today. It is called self preservation. If what you ignore is not going to hurt or kill them, let it go! Honestly if you try to address every single item you will drive yourself nuts.
You need to seek education on the elderly and possibly dementia or Alzheimer's or whatever disease your Mom may suffer with. Seeking a support group is a very good idea for you and your sister. You also need to offer to stay at your sister's house and let her go out to dinner or movies or go off with her husband for a weekend. You are still close to Mom in case she needs you and you are becoming a blessing to your sister to relieve some stress in her life.
Being a caregiver is not for sissy's and running away from the issue is not becoming of you and when your Mom is gone you may hate yourself for what you did to her and to your sister by not pulling your weight. If we live long enough we will all probably find ourselves in the same place, how would you want to be treated?
Good luck to you, your Mom and sister on this journey and God Bless You All!
If your mom is safe by herself, simply tell her you have an appointment a distance away and that you'll be dropping her off at her place during the day and picking her up in the evening. Put a TV in your bedroom. When you're home with her, just excuse yourself and say there's a program you've been waiting to watch. Or, just that you have to lie down for awhile. Be creative! A little white lie (or even lots of them) is better than yelling "you're driving me nuts and I can't spend 24 hours a day with you!).
I'm sure you drove her nuts when you were a teen, but she got to send you to school 6 hours a day. Fair's fair. Give yourself as many breaks as you need.