88 yr old mother has short term memory loss, anxiety and depression. She was asked to leave independent living after difficulties (including drinking too much, which she denies is a problem), the last straw being overdose of baby aspirin which put her in the hospital. She has expressed a want to die by suicide, but I doubt this overdose was an attempt. I believe she just forgot how often she took it. Moved her to the assisted living in the same complex. A studio apartment that faces an inner courtyard was only unit available. I agree that that unit is a bit dark and she is on the waiting list for a western exposure street facing apartment. She has been there 3 weeks and had demanded I move her since pretty much day one. Blames me, says if i really loved her i would move her, continues to talk about suicide. Staff knows about this. She wants a 1 br place (which they don't have in this unit). She declines to participate in most activities and stays in her room. I have been in touch with the director, social worker and nurse supervisors. They all are working directly with my mom to try to help her settle in and offer emotional support. They also reassure me the transition can be rocky and takes time. I have told my mom I am willing to explore other institutions but I want her to give this one a chance. I feel good about the staff there and to me, that is more important than the size of the apartment. At wits end.
You know you love her enough to make the hard choices, so let her manipulative words be just that, an attempt to manipulate.
You are not, never were, cannot ever be responsible for your mother's happiness.
And trust me, at 81 I can assure you that old age is NOT about happiness. It may have some moments of contentment if we are still able bodied (if hurting for sure). It may have some satisfactions (tho mostly you are reflecting on how many times you failed). BUT IT IS NOT ABOUT HAPPINESS.
I think part of the issue here may be that your mother complains to you because you are the one she CAN complain to and you are the one she sees as her rescue.
The way partially out of that one is to, in no uncertain terms, make her know that this is it. She will not being "movin on up" any more. The trajectory now is about loss, about contemplating those good memories we can salvage. You need to tell you mother "I am so sorry Mom. But this is how it is now and I am doing the best I can for you given my own limitations. I understand your losses. I will soon enough be facing down my own. I understand your heartbreak and I honor your mourning all of this. But this is how it is now, and we BOTH must make the best of it that we can."
Will this make her HAPPY? No, my dear. It will not. Nor will more sun into her room. She will not be happy now. And when she does die I hope you will give yourself the peace of relief that she need suffer no further torment, and that you need no longer stand helpless witness to her despair.
My heart goes out to you both. Neither of you is alone. This is a part of life, and in a long life your Mom has many times before you were even BORN suffered unhappiness and despair.
You didn't break this and can't fix it. This is about endurance and survival now.
My brother said to me of his ALF "You know, hon, just like the army when I was young; I don't much LIKE this but I make the BEST of it." And bless his soul he did. We would sit together and watch the ambulances come and go, the hearses. And we would get the most awful attacks of the giggles thinking that this was "entertainment" had come down to for the entire facility. Happily we were always into irony, because life's full of it.
My very best out to you.
Stop trying to fix it.
This isn't about the lighting. This is about the losses we all have if we live long enough. And about enduring them.
To those who are trying to care for old-old parents: put yourself and your children (if any) FIRST. Your parents have had their lives. You deserve yours. Do the best you can to help them FIND A WAY, but as others on this Forum have noted, barring rare exceptions, you cannot BE the way.
If she’s really serious about suicide, which I prefer to call leaving this life on my own terms, you could help her explore options. It’s possible to achieve doctor-assisted exits in certain states. There’s Dignitas in Switzerland. We can voluntarily stop eating and drinking and have help to keep us comfortable while we do it. I know someone who did that due to exhaustion from her lifelong illness, and with her family’s blessing.
Also, if you tell mom you’re taking her suicide threats seriously and explain how it is possible to effect it, you might call her bluff. Just sayin’.
It is difficult to watch our parents decline. One day, we are going to be walking in their shoes and will experience our own challenges.
Alva’s post rang true for me. Accept that there is only so much that you can do to make your mom comfortable.
My mother never spoke about suicide but she was ready to go long before she checked out at age 95. I can’t say that I blame her at all.
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.