My mom is "her way or the highway" w/ mid stage Alzheimer's. She is always right and thinks she is perfectly fine and remembers exactly what happened 100% total denial of any memory issues ever. In this instance I am stuck with a big problem, if I lie, tell the truth do anything other than agree with my mom she insists we are wrong. period, you could not reason with her before dementia but not now at all. She had a caregiver go to the store to get her cigs but then without her knowledge used the card to get over $1200 cash back over 2 days of which she pocketed. She didn't know we watch the bank records closely & caught it immediately fired her, filed a police report etc (she was the only one that could of used the card and on camera during this time etc) mom was amazed this could happen. Well it's all changed around now in her mind and now we fired her needlessly - because she asked for the money to pay a bill and we are wrong and she wants her back now and we are to blame and we wrongfully accused her and she's been calling her cell phone etc it goes on and on. Her whole story as to her not stealing the cash is 100% made up. She won't accept ANY other care and is so messed up this is really throwing her but insists we are wrong and to hell with us she wants her back she did nothing wrong . Very mean insistent etc and won't let it go it's been 3 weeks.
Is your mother physically capable of blockading the door?
Do you think it might be time to place her in a facility?
You seem to be saying mom was stubborn and willfull BEFORE dementia. This type of patient rarely gets optimal treatment.
I would chalk this up to her personality and simply say "she's not coming back, mom" and leave it at that.
Your mother has in your own words "mid stage Alzheimer's". Should she still be in possession of an ATM card attached to an active bank account?
No. She shouldn't be.
Her family should be getting her cigarettes and doing her shopping. If mom needs the caregiver to run some errand which requires payment, you or another family member should have the cash waiting ahead of time for when the caregiver comes.
Also, lock up things like jewelry, checkbooks, credit cards, etc... when someone has Alzheimer's/dementia and there is going to be caregivers coming into their home. This is common sense.
Your mother will not accept or admit that she is wrong. People without Alzheimer's often refuse to admit fault on anything.
If your mom is insistent and refuses to cooperate with any other caregiver, then bring the thieving one back. Just make sure she has no access to money or valuables.
You know, as wrong as it is, your mom may very well have given her permission to take that $1,200 and the caregiver accepted. Nursing home social workers and admin staff are not above accepting the permission some elderly person with dementia or Alzheimer's to get into a bank account or acquire a POA. Yet, their thieving is perfectly legal and acceptable.
The nursing home my father was in actually wanted me to hold his hand and forge his signature on paperwork granting them permission to run up his credit cards for the monthly room and board costs.
Bring that caregiver back if your mom gets along with her. Just keep an eye on things and make sure neither of them have access to a bank account or anything valuable.
That was going to be my suggestion. Drop the chit chat about stealing and just say she no longer works as a care-giver. Great that you've blocked the number, but sad that she can still call the person. Okay if she leaves messages, because the woman can't call her back, but... You could try calling her service provider to see if there is a way to block her from making calls to certain numbers. There is at least one APP out there that can do this:
https://pocketables.com/2013/05/block-outgoing-calls-app-lets-you-loan-your-phone-in-peace.html
Disclaimer: I know nothing about this APP or company. I don't add APPs to my phone and ignore any calls that aren't programmed in my phone. I won't call any back either, so I don't need this capability. But, I think there are also phones made for those with dementia that only allow certain numbers for incoming/outgoing calls.
I would NOT give this woman a second chance, despite what some have said. You have a police report already. Should she do something else, then who is going to believe you, since you brought her back? Nope, done.
So, for mom, after repeating that this woman isn't taking clients, mom gets to choose:
1) another care-giver
2) facility
Those are the options mom. Make your choice.
Agree with advice about the card (good that you've taken it away!) One thing to confirm is that any debit/visa prepaid card doesn't have any kind of overdraft associated with it. Load with a minimal amount and if it's used up, no more buying until it's reloaded!
Also, yes to the ignore what she says about you. Most of it is the dementia talking, but in some cases the person was like that before. YOU have value, YOU are doing a great service for your mother, SHE is ungrateful (partly due to D, maybe some just because.) WE appreciate you and your service!
When it comes to little white lies to protect your LO, I'm all for them.
Tell mom that the person is working for someone else. Block the number on all the phones.
:)
If it's any consolation, even if they HAVE dementia, POAs are not sufficient to "force" any changes, like a move to facility. My mother's plans, pre-dementia, included AL. Post-dementia? She refused to consider moving anywhere, esp NOT AL. The EC atty told me we could force her to move. POAs only give us legal capability to do certain things, like manage finances, pay bills, sign documents, etc. They do NOT give us full sway over anyone.
I can feel for you about her being able to "fool" others. Although the atty recommended going for guardianship, there were issues:
1) She likely would have been able to pass the "tests" at that point
2) It takes time and money to get that done and may fail
3) The facility we chose wouldn't take committals!
That last one was the real clincher. The place was great, the location ideal for me (99.9% of all that was needed I had to manage) and being non-profit it was actually less expensive than the other options we looked at.
Cue Fibs R Us. She managed to injure her shin and develop cellulitis just before the move was scheduled. Trip to the ER with OB who came up for the move and antibiotics, wound treatment, etc. YB drafted a "letter" from 'Elder Services' that said she goes to a place we choose or they will place her! She was madder than a wet hen, but reluctantly went with the bros.
* Change credit card, all bank cards.
* Report this woman / caregiver, esp if you have proof.
What you can NO LONGER do is 'think' you can reason with your mother.
You cannot.
Of course she will argue and complain. This is part of dementia.
You can no longer talk to her as she used to be before dementia. Her brain has changed.
IF there is nothing legal you can do to safe guard her accounts, then she will suffer the consequences, financially. However, if I were you, I'd run to the nearest elder care attorney and see what you can do.
* Her MD needs to provide / write up / document her diagnosis.
* Do press charges regarding this caregiver stealing. It DOESN'T matter what your mother wants in this regard. Get rid of her.
AND . . . . As Wolflover says: "if your mother is that bad with memory you need to take away all credit/debit cards as she should not be using them, let alone giving them to someone else to use. she is lucky it was only that amount of money. and shame on that "so-called" caregiver to take advantage of someone who is losing their memory. You did the right thing. Tell your mom that the decision has been made and no more talking about it. she won't like it and will squawk about it forever but it is what it is." . . . . Your mom will MORE THAN SQUAWK. Say "I understand" and do what you need to do.
Gena / Touch Matters
Additionally, I would delete that woman's and the agency contact info from your Mom's phone and clear out her history. Erase any trace of these problem people- biz cards, binders, folders, etc. from your mother's reach. If you need to keep records, put them in a file case and keep it in YOUR car.
Then tell your mom that the agency no longer takes her insurance, went defunct, doesn't have enough staff, whatever, etc. You can even tell Mom that a different client had the caregiver arrested for stealing and the state is investigating the agency.
At this point, do and say whatever works. Less is more. Other than that, if Mom continues to ask about the caregiver, either you pelt your mom with questions about what she needs at this moment/what can I help you with, immediately change the subject, or ignore her and walk away.
For safety purposes install a Brinks/ADT type service which includes smoke detector alarm which alerts the monitoring site, so if there’s a fire the fire department is automatically notified to respond.
2) report the agency to aging and protective services. The agency may not be able to reveal employee information to you but aging services can make sure they are not using her now.
3) set up a separate account with only enough money for once a week emergency smokes, milk, etc. ($50 or less). Mom might be upset when she runs out of money in that account, you can ask her for receipts to " figure out why that happened ". That way she has some limited control.
Gold luck.
You're right about maybe leaving a specific amount of money if there's something the caregiver has to shop for.
I had an elderly couple where I would use their credit card to do groceries, pharmacy, etc... and then save all the receipts.
What was then easier is I would pay for whatever they needed, save all the receipts and then would be paid a separate check from my paycheck on payday. The elderly couple I did this for never had cash around and I didn't want to run into problems using someone else's credit card.
You take the same risk with anyone who is hired if they also handle credit card use to buy mom things. I'd figure out a different way to get her what she needs.
Small whitish lie.. but she probably has moved..
It is hard to switch roles with your parent, but when incapacity creeps in, things will only get worse, so establish yourself as the leader. This topic is not up for discussion. Period.
This firm stance and your leadership role will actually be comforting to your parent eventually.
A stealing caregiver needs to be immediately fired, reported to the police and the locks need to be changed. A security system should be considered to protect against the fact that the caregiver understands your schedule and your parent’s vulnerabilities.
Dont let her get into the topic, change the topic or walk away. They can cycle around and talk about it for hours and it is illogical and exhausting.