Mom's not really trying -and I feel guilty. How do I cope?
I am an only child, caring from a distance. My mom (73, very tottery, lifelong depressive) is very prone to falls. Recently she fell in her apartment. She had her phone with her but didn't call for help for over 24 hours. Instead she rolled, scooched and struggled so that she was covered in scrapes and bruises. She seems proud of her injuries, mentioning them in every phone conversation. (I now speak to her both morning and evening to be sure she is ok.)
The day after this latest fall we sent her a video done by a very elderly man about how to get up from a fall. She watched it once, on her phone. I waited a couple of days, then asked her if she had watched it again. She hasn't.
I am finding myself really angry about this. I am not there to see, of course, how she spends her time, but she seems to be pretty capable of doing what she chooses, but not the things that would save her life when she falls again.
How do I cope? Is she neglecting herself, or am I overreacting?
I have called her home health care providers, her doctor, and the young friend who runs her errands. What else can I do? She was very unhappy the last time I called the sheriff in her area to check on her when she didn't answer her phone for 24+ hours.
Signed - at my wit's end
44 Answers
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You say your mother "isnt trying". Has anyone evaluated her in more than a cursory way for dementia? Like a full neuropsych workup?
Is she on meds for her depression? Do you have poa for health and finances?
I'm sorry to ask so many questions, but knowing this information will give us a better picture of the situation.
I make the long drive to see my folks 4 or 5 times a year to deal with crisis and sometimes just to get an eyeball on things. How far away are you from mom?
One quick thing: Pamstegma -- I would LOVE to have her move to assisted living. Thing is, we were on a waiting list for four years to get her into the subsidized senior apartment that she moved into about six months ago. We were hoping that this apartment would be a place where she could heal and regain strength after too much isolation and too many accidents. I don't even know how to think about her moving again. She found this last move so overwhelming and traumatic...
I wonder if the reason she keeps mentioning her previous fall is that she has forgotten that she has already told you, so she thinks it's new news.
We have noticed that when seniors fall and delay calling anyone, even though they got up, it seems that they either forget to are not able to call. It's like they lose track of time.
Since you say that she is not able to care for herself is she falls, I'd take measures to get her some place where she can be taken care of, like AL. Even though she moved, it may still make sense to explore it. I hope it works out.
I live in Texas; my mom lives in Arizona. Because I work full-time and am the main source of income for my family, I can't visit very often.
There is a young woman who takes care of my mom out of the goodness of her heart, bless her. She sees my mom every couple of days, from what I can tell. And my mom has physical therapist visits every few days. She has a small dog that needs taking out, so she has to open her front door at least a couple of times a day -- and because the apartment units are close to each other, it's easy for neighbors to see her and say hello.
Mom also has a few friends from church who give her rides, and her pastor visited her a couple of days ago. I don't have the friends' numbers, but I have talked with the pastor and given him my contact info -- and asked him to please do what he can to help his church care for her.
Mom didn't go to the ER after her most recent fall. She called the young lady who takes care of her (when she can, working around her night-shift full-time job). The young lady called the EMTs. All of these people arrived at the same time to get mom up, and I was on the phone with them. Mom was making light of the situation, saying she was OK, etc.. The EMTs checked her over and left. THEN my mom complained about how beat-up she was. The young lady got her into bed, and my mom slept for a long time.
It is unclear whether my mom was unconscious for some of the time she was on the floor. She says she was awake and afraid that she was going to die, but ... for more than 24 hours?!
She is on meds for depression. She just told me that her Dr is reducing her dosage of Depakote (medication for bipolar disorder). She also said that her Dr 'will refer her to psych as follow-up.' I don't know if that means that a proper, full eval will be done.
Re the powers of attorney - That's tricky. My brother was being very pushy about getting power of attorney over her before he died a year ago. I find myself avoiding the issue because it raises all sorts of issues about control. This is really where I find myself unable to think clearly.
By coincidence (or providence!) I just stumbled across a Grief Group that meets in my area. I am thinking of going to that for a while. My brother's death was a suicide, and I think that I need to sort some of that out so I can take care of my mom properly.
(Please forgive me for going into so much detail -- as you can probably tell, I'm a bit pent-up about all this.)
About POA, it's about having the power to act in your mom's best interest, doesn't give you the ability to dictate where she lives--only guardianship would do that.
Suppose the next time she falls, she unconscious for a day or two in the hospital; bills have to be paid, decisions made about health care, etc. That's where you need financial and medical POA. something to mull over.
Mom certainly needs a cognitive evaluation and perhaps some fine tuning of her current psych meds.
Several years ago, an elderly friend who lived alone in an apartment building, well connected in the community, fell in her apartment. It was summer time, so lots of folks were away. She lay there for three days, until a neighbor noticed her newspapers piling up. the doorman CLAIMED that he'd seen her leave on a trip with a family member, but the neighbor persisted and called 911. She was alive, but spent several week in the hospital and then in rehab, eventually returning home with 24/7 aides.
My point is, please get as many local phone numbers as you can and give yours to the neighbors and friends. Encourage them to contact you.
And I hate to be suspicious, but please get POA before that nice young lady who is taking care of your mom out of the goodness of her heat does.
I am impressed that your Mom watched a video on her phone, many would not know how to do that. (and I won't have a phone smarter than I am)
There are medic alert systems that will respond if there is no movement within a certain period of time, that might be an option.
Or a remote camera for you to monitor her. Place the camera in the kitchen or living room so you can monitor if she has been in the area. If you see no evidence that she has been around you could follow up with a well being check.
And the reason for her instability should be evaluated.
The POA needs to be done. If mom can use a smart phone I would think she would be able to discuss this with you and agree to a POA. I am long distance and I was able to get a very broad POA about 4 years ago. As my parents declined I've had to take over all the bills and finances, oversee medical care and deal with many other issues. Without the POA this would all have been impossible. You need to lay this track soon.
I'm fortunate to be retired so I can jump in the car and go deal with whatever comes up. I know it's much harder for folks who are still working but sometimes it just has to be done. You can only do so much over the phone.
Whether you're long distance or living with elders stuff is still going to happen. Your mom can have a fall with you in the next room. I've tried hard through the years to get the house set up, grab bars, bed rail, potty seat, fix this and that etc.
I used to constantly worry that I wasn't doing enough, shoulda-coulda done this or that. I've now come to realize things for my folks are as good as I can make it. We won't prevent everything. People continue to age, have falls, dementia progresses, they need more care and looking after.
I'm more at peace with it all now. No guilt. I still worry but I don't obsess any longer like I used to.
Since you are long distance from your mom, you might explore getting what I have read about called a case manager. I hope that's the right term. They can assess your mom's needs and even keep check on her to determine how she's doing. It would be ideal to have someone go into the apt regularly to ensure that your mom doesn't have spoiled food in the fridge, plumbing is working, that she is clean and nourished, etc.
Will you be in contact with the doctor she will see for an evaluation? It might be a good idea to provide him input, since, you can't be sure what your mom might tell him. She could suddenly say that she never fell. So, I'd try to confirm that the info that she reports to an evaluator is correct.
You mom may be beginning to feel her limitations and is fighting them, and part of that fight for continued independence is denial (and doing things they know they shouldn't - like standing on a chair to hang curtains, etc).
By all means, get a POA before it is too late and see if you can get your name on her accounts so, in case of emergency you can pay her bills, etc.
He is tall and heavy making it difficult for even both of us to pick him up, so husband and I have literally gotten down on hands and knees and shown him how to get himself up. Unfortunately his retentive abilities are not what they used to be and he is unable to recall this info - especially at the time of distress and disorientation.
This is very difficult for us and of course our primary focus is prevention, but we tend to think more logically than Dad can given his current physical and mental conditions.
And his PCP so wisely reminds us at every check-up, "It's not going to get any better"!
BTW -where can we find the video showing the elderly man about how to get up from a fall?
Maybe time for you to visit and address everything at once? At 73, being "tottery" suggests to me, anyway, that she is not getting much physical exercise and there could be some serious muscle atrophy. My mother is 86 and since her hip replacement, she is VERY tottery. She needs a walked but refuses to use on in her own house. That battle was lost....but prior to her surgery, she was falling all the time, 3-4 times a week, and would also kind of "play up" her injuries. That's just the sympathy vote, in her case.
Maybe if you came to visit you could assess the situation, get in place the POA, check her living environment and make it safer, get her to the dr., etc. Oh, this sounds like a joyous vacation, doesn't it? But I think trying to do all this long distance would be harder.
It IS hard to talk about end of life things with our parents. Some just refuse, but hopefully your mom will be compliant. Fuss her a lot when you visit (sounds like she asking for attention)...and let her know that you come from a place of love, not anger. My mother doesn't do well with the criticism that sometimes comes, and now I am older and get some from MY kids, I get it.
I wish you well. I am sorry about your brother. Please try to come to terms with that too. You have a lot on your plate, but you can always come here to talk.
I imagine that it needs to be witnessed. Or certified somehow... Or do I need an elder-care lawyer for it to be legal?
Is it state-specific?
Also, if the language of the poa is written correctly you can use it to take care of her affairs and finances now as long as she agrees. Don't get a limited POA that gives you no power until she is declared legally incompetent.