We're providing $$$ monthly. She’s always had issue with catalogue purchases as recreation. Wants new mattress (current one is 18 mos old), new cellphone, monthly shoe purchases to ease foot pain and all sorts of subscription services. Gently encouraged restraint but she blew through assets and now 2 children are providing monthly support. No appreciation.
Without POAs, you will have a difficult time "managing" either finances or medical issues. Your profile mentions dementia, but how far into that is she? Is she really safe living alone, regardless of how close by her son is? If she won't sign any POAs, you may have to either set up guardianship or cede that to the state. If you cede, you have no say in where they place her or what they do with any remaining assets (you said she blew through finances, but the house is another story, if she owns it.) Dementia will only get worse, so planning how to address her care and finances needs to start yesterday!
The state she lives in may have filial laws, but generally these would only be invoked by a facility for non-payment, not so much the state (but you would want legal advice on that!) If her income is only SS, you *could* sign up as rep payee. If approved, only the rep has access to the funds and they must be used for her housing, food, care and other necessities. She would have no access to the funds, so those could be used to pay her regular expenses. It does require keeping track and reporting once/year, but the report isn't difficult if you keep track and can be done online. If there is other income, such as a pension, you would have to contact them to see what, if anything, can be done, esp without POA or guardianship.
If she truly did contact APS, it might be best to contact them (either you or her son) and discuss the issue(s), esp since she has dementia. It isn't likely you'll get much help from them, but letting them know what the real issues are might ward off any investigation of the children of this woman. I wouldn't recommend either of you just "walking away." That would be frowned upon by authorities.
You can likely get a short free consult from an EC atty (naela.org using zip codes to find local ones to chat with.) Get several names and make contact about a free consult. Have questions ready before consult. They can address your questions and make recommendations. IF you have to hire them to get control over this situation and IF she owns the home, more than likely once she is safe somewhere and the place can be sold, you should be able to get reimbursed, but make sure that is on your list of consult questions! It isn't cheap, but in the long run it might be less expensive than subsidizing her.
If you decide to do rep payee with SS, call the local office (or use their website if no office hours available.) Calling the main 800 number will likely result in a long wait on hold.
That is a classic sign of your enabling behavior.
Please look up enabling an addict.
I know there are members who feel this way and I feel that is "all" we owe them. To be safe, fed, warm and sheltered. And however we need to do accomplish that. Living with us or a facility. But we don't owe them our lives or support if they spend what they have on things they really don't need. If my Mom needed money to make ends meet, I would gladly give it. But we would also look at the house she lived in was too much to handle anymore. The money she used on taxes and upkeep would offset the cost of a nice apt. Selling the house would have meant living comfortably with no worries.
Now my MIL, she was always joining those clubs for books, VCRs, Cassettes, CDS, DVDs and nicknacks. When we cleaned out her house we found loads of these things unopened in drawers and cabinets. Nick nacks stuffed in her china cabinets. I am talking thousands of dollars. Then she would complain that she was on a limited income. We found food in the pantry way passed expiration dates. Now get this, she asked me how much I tithed the Church. I told her and she said "I can't afford more than $5 a week" I felt like telling her she could if she stopped buying "junk". Yes, when we visited we would leave her money on the dresser. TG her spending never got her in debt. If she had gotten to that point, we would not be supporting her.She did get 1k out of BIL for a pump. I asked him why, he said she didn't have the money. Told him she has his Dads insurance money in CDs. When she died, after 20 yrs of being a widow she had 48k out of 60k still in the bank.
I realize that hoarding and overspending is a mental thing. But we shouldn't have to support the habit.
When dementia starts to affect the elderly they can become rude, disrespectful and STUBBORN so it’s important to watch for this and adjust where necessary but not at the expense of your own well being.
sorry I can’t give you advice because I never had that problem.
good luck
Sabrina
Thankfully my mother (and father before he passed) had saved money and between that and the sale of her condo, the cost of her care is covered. I had to step in and take over finances before anything like this happened, to ensure there would be funds to care for her. I am retired and barely take in enough to cover my own VERY modest needs, so there is no way I could afford to cover hers! I also would not be able to physically care for her given my own physical limitations and hers (which have progressed and are compounded by her weight!)
.
Right now, since cleaning out most of her house, I have 30 LARGE (LARGE!) boxes filled with nothing but her clothes in my garage. There are things with price tags and original packaging. My car hardly fits. (Of course I am giving this all away, but the boxes are heavy so it takes time)
if we tried to talk to mom about this, she would scream that she deserved new things. That was the argument — that she DESERVED all this crap. Even now, in memory care, when I FaceTime her, she tells me she needs a new sweater or pants or nightgown. The large closet in her memory care room is PACKED and the dresser drawers are full.
How can anyone be so needy?
Your mother sounds like mine.
How can one 90 yo woman require 2 huge closets and one small one, plus 2 dressers to store all her clothes? It's incredible to me. She is housebound, of course, with the Covid--but before that, she was only leaving the house twice a week.
She has (no one can believe this, but it's true) over 100 white blouses, T shirts or tops. And she orders more almost every day.
She WEARS a ratty housecoat--she has maybe 3 of those, all day, and doesn't 'get dressed' unless it's one of the days she's got something going on. Nobody can stop her, and she isn't spending money she doesn't have--it's just crazy. When she passes, it's going to be horrible, sorting out her closets.
Run away
Dont give her another penny
My mom blew through her SS check each month on stuff she didn't need - then would call in a panic - she needed money for her senior apartment, car insurance etc. I would tell her she needed to stop spending her SS, give her funds, but the cycle never ended.
So i stopped - i could not change her behavior so i changed mine. I held firm - in spite of the crying, yelling, threats that she would kill herself, etc.
So she tapped my sister - who was then mad at me because i make more money than she does. I told sister - stop giving her money. Finally she stopped.
it took my mom almost getting evicted from her senior apartment to stop wasting money. I told her in no uncertain terms she would not live with me if she got evicted.
It was hard - the vitriol i had to take, she even got other relatives to call and chew me out.
But - she covers her own bills now. But still tries to get more money out of me for things "she deserves".
You can not change her. You can only change yourself. Stop giving her your moeny.
If she can not control her spending that is on her.
I am guessing she is competent, (she called APS on her own and made a report) so she can understand a conversation where you tell her you will no longer fund her purchases.
I do hope her Independent Living facility is paid for before she goes through her money monthly. If not she may be looking for another place to live.
If she is competent enough to call APS she is competent enough to deal with the consequences of spending her money for non essential items.
People tend to need to have some pain before they willingly make changes. She sounds like one that needs a painful dose of reality to get the point across.
If it doesn't work, you are by no means obligated to financially support her. Let APS deal with ensuring that she is fed and cared for, she has shown you where she is willing to go to get her way, believe her. Elder abuse allegations are not something to take lightly or set yourself up for.
Said "I can't afford a lawyer and if she threatens to disinherit me (she was on Medicaid), well, that's done, isn't it."
You CAN walk away from this mess. Sometimes that's what it takes for elders to get what they need from social services.
If her behavior is different from when she was actually able to live totally on her own, someone will need to oversee her. Her lack of “appreciation” for your efforts may also be as the result of increasing cognitive failure. She may not realize that her spending is not under her control.
Why do you feel as though it’s in HER best interests to be backed financially? Her behavior is not appropriate, nor is her ability to respond to reasonable limits.
Telling her that she has no money left and the family will no longer paying her bills may be a litmus test for her and for you; she will either address the fact with some sort of appropriate accepting response, or will protest, possibly tantrum, and your
option then becomes moving forward with an assessment of her mental status and documentation which will low you to remove her identifying information from credit cards and any other payment sources that she’s using.
Did APS actually accept her version of the report that she was being mistreated?
In addition to working with the companies one-on-one to stop the catalog flow, I'd talk to the children to cut off her additional funds. Pay necessary expenses direct (utilities, phone, etc.) and only give a minimal allowance for any other expenses. Again, the POA worked great for this. If a POA isn't available, getting one is recommended.