My mother informed me that I was a dictator. My mother lives with my husband and I. I always think of her safety and her well-being. I do not force her to do anything she does not want to do. I talk to her and explain an issue to her in a diplomatic manner. Being called a dictator hurt me and it makes me not want to say much to her. I do not think I am a dictator at all. I have been respectful to my mother. Help!
As the mother of a recent teenager, and the spouse of an ALZ husband, my advice is to choose your battles. Don't try to make her eat her broccoli. Let her have ice cream sometimes. MAKE her put on her seatbelt EVERY time. She is old and dying, however long she has. Making her do what's best for her all the time may not be worth it. Forcing her to avoid danger is worth fighting for. Letting her enjoy life as much as possible is worth fighting for.
You really have my sympathy. Finding a good balance is so much harder than either letting her do whatever she wants OR making her always do what's best.
You feel very hurt, but she is not really angry at you. She is angry because she is old and powerless and maybe in pain. Remember that she really does love you, if she was a pretty good mother. She hasn't stopped loving you. She is just very very cranky.
Try humor and sympathy. If she uses the word dictator again, draw on a Hitler mustache and fake a German accent. "You vill take your pillss now!" Or say, with sympathy, "Oh. Mom, it seems like I'm always bossing you around. No wonder you don't like it. You still want to run your own life. I don't blame you."
Good luck to you.
I agree with everyone above, especially that your mother is probably more resentful of losing her independence than she is, really, blaming you for it - and as you're already dealing with her as tactfully as can be, I'm sure you also see how hard that is for her. Only you know whether your mother would react better at a particular time to light-heartedness or sympathy about the fact that she needs your help, and that sometimes that's going to feel to her like "being ordered around" (even though you're not doing that); but keeping your own sense of humour will definitely help you.
Now, repeat after me: "let them hate me so long as they fear me..!"
"What are you doing? Why don't you just give yourself to them?" She laughed in her best sarcastic evil voice. And I had a fast reply: "These days, now that I have some self esteem, I am only going to give them my clothes!" I jumped out of the car and left Mom sitting there with a dropped jaw. A young man came to help me with the bag. "Here you go. I lost 15 pounds and won't need these anymore!" And I held my head up high and got back into the car with a real smile.
Yeah, this is going to be my year, baby!!
I have said good bye thousands of moments and I can let God and my mother have their own conversation. I am out of it. There seems to be no need for me other than chauffer and shopping mate, and that is done for her without much appreciation. I have gotten quite bloodless about this now. I feel like I am waiting for the big event. Even in the hospital she was verbally abusive. Next time I am simply leaving. I can't take any more of her. It's a matter of survival for myself at this point. She has no idea how to relate to a daughter who grew up and has boundaries. That's her problem. I have tried and having a simple conversation is now just unreasonable to expect.
Do you all feel any of this? How else can I cope?
In a quiet, calm moment, I'd have a heart-to-heart with your mom about why you ask her to do certain things. Also ask if there's a better way to approach her about what she needs to do, one that won't get her hackles up. Maybe there's a better way to word things or to give her some kind of choice, or more notice about what she needs to do. I just tell myself whatever I do, I'm doing to keep my mom safe and healthy, whether she understands that 100% of the time or not. I'm sure you are too. Hugs.
And Captain, you're too funny. :)
In college I learned that 60% of people who must be 'leaders' don't realize how their language patterns negatively impact people in their charge. Step back and see if you can makes changes in your 'approach' with your mother that will encourage her to want to do what you request.
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