My mother-in-law has been married 7 times ( yes 7!). She’s basically jumped from husband to boyfriend to husband to boyfriend ever since my partner's father died at the age of 10. Though being left a fairly wealthy widow, through divorces and the just upping and leaving she has been left with nothing aside from her pension (didn't stop her from recently buying a brand new car on credit).
5 years ago, she left the latest husband taking off in an RV to visit my partner and his ex-wife. Due to health concerns, she was unable to return to her husband and ended up moving in with them. From what I hear, it was the final nail in the coffin of their relationship and the marriage fell apart. Mother-in-law (76 yrs old) took off with a new boyfriend who she has been living with since my partner and I got together (a whole days travel away).
My partner and I recently bought a house and have been busy renovating the downstairs as a rental suite to help us pay the mortgage and give us a bit of financial freedom when my partner retires in 10 years (we have a 25-year mortgage)
A couple of weeks ago MIL got in touch with my partner complaining that she was bored of her new boyfriend as he was a “stick in the mud”. She wanted to come visit us and see a doctor where we live (apparently there's no doctors where she lives).
My partner was concerned. She had visited him and his ex before and found excuses not to be able to leave (health, finances, etc). He confessed to me that this is why he had not wanted to invite her to visit for holidays and long weekends. He did not want to do that to our relationship.
His fear was, she would visit, make an excuse why she couldn’t leave and end up moving into our rental suite rent free (as she has car payments! Like she told him and his ex). Gone would be our financial relief and our happy life.
I told him to be honest with her as to why he didn't want her to visit. He told her straight up that he would love to have her visit and the door was always open but he would never allow her to move in with us.
MIL responded by telling him to consider her dead and deleted him on fb. She said she would rather sleep in her car than stay at our place.
They have not spoken since.
When I read this post through it sounds ridiculous but still there's a part of me that feels guilty that she is aging and none of her 3 kids want her living with them.
I don't have kids of my own, so maybe I see things differently but my feeling is she has lived an irresponsible carefree existence going against any financial advice her family have given her and is now expecting her kids to give up their retirement plans to take care of her financially. Am I wrong?
Welcome to the forum.
Here's the thing, she made her choices and her children have had to pay the price, in their youth and later. Now's it's time for momma to see the consequences of her choices. She won't be living in her car, she's shacked up and will need to make it work. If not, that's on her 100%.
Tell your husband I said "Well done! Implementing and enforcing boundaries to protect your life!" So many adults have a hard time telling their parents no.
Don't feel bad or guilty, these type of people will devour you and not think twice. Nor will they care if they destroy you.
Might add a "Let us know if you ever come back to life".
I say you are well shed of her.
VERY WISE DECISION here to make it clear that visits are visits. They are limited to (in this case, say....) one week. You don't get mail at the home during a visit, and you visit FROM a stable place to live, with a nice small suitcase.
For myself, I would be praying that she continues to withhold her lovely self, so you don't even have to worry about a visit.
Your post has got me to thinking, Alva.
I'm having legal documents drawn up with my soon to be former ex-husband about no elderly relatives moving in our place or us relocating ourselves to become caregivers.
I think I'm going to bring up to him how much time we will consider a 'visit'.
There are a lot of elderly relatives on his side and a lot of freeloaders on mine.
Definitely something we will be discussing.
1. "Oh, darn, MIL got her feelings hurt because they set reasonable boundaries"
2. Gird your loins...this isn't over.
2a. She is either on her way to your home OR
2b. She is preparing her flying monkeys to begin their assault on you and your partner to try to make you feel guilty and 'rethink' your 'error in judgment'
2c. She is waiting to see if your partner tries to reach out to apologize and beg her to come stay with you, otherwise she will unleash the flying monkeys
3. If she does visit put her on the couch...or better yet in a hotel.
4. You are not wrong.
DO NOT allow her to move in with you and your partner. Believe me she is not the first senior who expects their adult kids to cash in their bank accounts and work until they die to make sure mom has a high standard of living. At the same time they also expect their adult child to become a slave to their every need and want. Don't let yourselves get caught in that miserable trap.
When I moved back in with my mother after my divorce it was supposed to be benefial for us both. What it actually was is something entirely different. I became a nanny-slave to her. Not even a servant because a servant gets wages. She made poor life choices and refused to work thinking it was beneath her then expected her kids to provide.
I was "allowed" to work a job. So long as she was agreeable to the hours and didn't interfere with anything she needed or wanted.. I was still responsible to entertain her, do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work, shopping, other errands and run her around to visit all the doctor's in her collection regularly. She goes to doctor's appointments for entertainent. Sometimes there were three and four a week.
This is what your lives will become because your partner's mother sounds very much like my mother. I'm out of here soon because I reconciled with my ex-husband and am moving back in with him. My mother is not joining us and she is furious. Not my problem. MIL isn't your problem either.
Your partner's mother is a 'senior brat'. When she doesn't get her own way she throws a tantrum and punishes her son with the passive/aggressive behavior like deleting him on Facebook, telling him to consider her dead, and she'd rather sleep in her car than at your house.
Tell her that you're relieved because sleeping at your house wasn't an option that was offered to her to begin with.
If her son and you want to help her out help her find a senior community she can afford. One in her town, not yours.
You say she's been married 7 times? Then this is a woman who has always lived off of someone else and been catered to her whole life. She'll work something out. You don't worry about it.
1) Your partner is a rare person who has made a mistake (letting mom move in the first time) and HAS LEARNED FROM IT to never, ever do it again.
2) It is neither your nor your partner's fault that mom finds herself in this predicament; nor is it either of your faults that her reaction to not getting her way is that extreme ("consider me dead!").
3) I doubt very strongly that her "consider me dead" is indeed the last time you guys will be hearing from her. Relatives like that always seem to find a way back from the "grave".
My only advice to you: if there comes a time that mom (who it seems is a mistress of manipulation) contacts you *directly* to talk TO YOU because her son is sticking to his guns, DO NOT talk to her alone. Tell her right from the start that you are *UNCOMFORATABLE* talking with her/to her about her future WITHOUT your partner included in the conversation from the onset. If she senses any weakness in you, she will swoop down like a bird of prey and try to get you to come over to "her side". You and partner need to form a united front on this. It would not surprise me if that's how she ingratiated herself into partner/ex's home the first time around.
But seriously: don't feel bad. Husband needs to save himself, and his new relationship. Be glad he recognizes that. People like his mother just leave destruction in their paths.
Unfortunately, one day soon I predict she will send him a new friend request on FB when she needs something and conveniently 'forget' all that nonsense she blurted out to her son. Watch & see. Impulsive decisions are soon regretted when the person realizes oops, I made a big mistake, didn't I? DH hasn't 'lost' his mother over this..........it's just a temporary hissy fit she's throwing, it seems to me. Mature people work out their problems w/o resorting to passive/aggressive tactics to make their point.
All that to say, no, you are not wrong. She is.
Good luck!
MIL being told no (to living with you) evoked a "consider me dead" response? Wow.
I'd call that umm.. very emotionally immature. Reactive, selfish, manipulative.
Your MIL seems either super excited with someone or cuts them out.
Not reasonable nor polite.
A reasonable person would accept there are varients inbetween. There are *visits*. With start dates & end dates. To suit BOTH parties (not just her).
I suppose IF you can tolerate or enjoy her 1st class dramatic style of outrageously changeable personality - then invite her back into your lives. But she has shown you her style. All or nothing. She takes then leaves.
If I was a shrink (which I'm not) I'd be exploring personality disorders types: Dependant, BPD & Narcisstic.
Personally labels or not, I'd be much happier without her in my life.
Your partner was smart to stand up to her. Don't undermine your partner. I would not try to figure out her motivation or try to get into her head. Your partner has dealt with her for a lot longer than you and bears the scars. Just take cues from your partner and follow his lead.
My mother "cut me out of the will" at the age of 20. By that time, I got severe cramps whenever she and I talked. She tried to run my life from afar by crying, guilt trips, threats and promises which she sometimes honored, but most of the time, openly told me that I did not deserve it, after the fact. After her declaration to "cut me out of the will", I didn't talk to her for years, however, I did talk to my brother, sister and father. When she saw that I was successful without her, she tried to be nice to me. However, I was so scarred that I only communicated minimally to her, for decades.
Eventually, I gave her another chance to be part of my life, however, I am very cautious to accept any material goods or money from her, even though she now has dementia. Some of manipulative behaviors still happen to this day. When I'm the target, I just walk away or end the visit. When other people are the target, I listen for about 30 seconds, then tell her to stop. Because of her dementia, I don't expect her to understand or be totally responsible for her own behavior. However, I do want to be her advocate if she is mis-treated or she has a medical issue.
Believe in and support your partner. You can be nice to your MIL, just commit to nothing, not even the small stuff, without contacting your partner first.
Um. Good?
But you know what such people say - "I'll be back..."
You're not wrong. Give your DH your full support, especially in keeping a clear perspective on the situation. She is a walking disaster area, and that wouldn't change even if you and DH did pointlessly sacrifice your wellbeing and your marriage to loving her.
Importantly but by the way, keeping your home safe from her does and will not prevent him or you from being there for her and loving her despite everything in possible future times of crisis.
I know people I would certainly advocate for in a crises but never offer accommodation.
If MIL does show up unexpectedly it doesn’t mean that she has to enter the home.
I might even be generous enough to pay for her first night at a hotel to avoid her saying that she has no place to go. It would be the lesser of two evils.
This woman has a gift of attracting men! She may find her next man (victim) at the hotel. LOL 😆
You are not wrong!! Don’t even think about opening that can of worms.
If she makes her bed hard allow her to lie there!
Of course I’m on the outside looking in.. but my eyes are wide open and I hope yours are too and your partner!
My MIL manipulates people but by the time she wanted to move in or be closer to us or whatever she wanted, which we could not have, she was in no position to drive or find her way to anywhere. She hadn’t left the house in 2 years before FIL died and after he did she took herself to the grocery store and got lost for 4 hours.
She had to muddle through managing on her own for a bit and found that didn’t work, relied on a nephew to the point of abusing him, and was told she would be at the mercy of what her son could do which was the best ALF around. The ALF complained that they were not a prison - that she could walk out, but MIL would not do that. Her cards were cut off, no phone access, no cash to pay for a cab. She does have access to the US Postal System. This is because there is nowhere for her to go with her little dog, that is not house trained. She would have spent down her funds to nothing if left to her own devises.
She abuses everyone she gets ahold of in the family, even those who help her, but don’t put up with her version of the truth, hits people when she doesn’t get her way and is unpleasant.
There is no telling if she will come for a visit and not leave, even if the apartment is rented. She could stay out in her car, then come in for the day. Or lay on the couch and say she's home.
The mil has not spoken to her son, leave it at that. She decided to cut off contact. Sounds like a tantrum.
Narcs always bully and guilt people. It's how they operate.
Leave it alone. There is a reason her 3 kids don't want her. It is a personality problem.
She cut off contact, so leave it at that. Something tells me she'll be back.
She has a boyfriend. Let her go back to him. Narcs love drama, and disrupting peoples lives. You dodged a bullet.