She never worked and was in total control of the finances, although she blames her husband as he wanted to farm and it was not a success, therefore they don't have a proper pension. They stay for free in my husband's house and all other is taken care of, like food, electricity, car etc. They have 2700 pm month from a investment and both get a old age pension which is another 3600 a month. My husband also add another 4000 per month. All they paid was their medical aid and now she told my husband she can't afford that anymore and another 3000 per month is added. My husband paid for his own university fees and also had to pay for his brothers. She claims she let them study therefore he must look after them. There are 2 other children that don't contribute due to them not earing that much. Myself and my husband don't share money and he will not assist me with any financial assistance. Is it wrong if I want to tell my Mother in law that this financial dependence of them is impacting on my marriage? Also that I feel it is a parent's duty to look after their children as they decided to bring them into this world and that it is emotional blackmail to tell my husband it is his privilege to care for them financially. Especially as both my parent in laws inherited property and they can't show anything for it. Just sold it and used the money. My mother in law doesn't even try to spend less on certain items and still want to buy the best and most expensive stuff. My husband also pay her a bonus every year. A discussion with my husband regarding this is not even a option. He gets very upset if I touch the subject. He is under a lot of pressure and I feel it is not right of his parents to expect him to support their every need and put him under such pressure. Before my husband had to look after them financially he treated me (financially) a lot different as well. I am financially independent, but my husband do earn about 7 times more than me and he did spend some money on me before they came into the picture. It breaks my heart that my in laws have no shame and my husband just have to pay blindly. He also tried various options for them to generate an income, but every venture, the parent in laws messed up. Either too much work etc. My mother in law, from when she was 48, bath before 12 midday and climb into bed as that is wat old people do. I am extremely frustrated. Please assist me in trying to understand if I am just wrong or if is this situation with his parent healthy.
What culture is your H from?
You are not wrong, but I think you should be looking for far more than confirmation of that.
How long have you been married? Are you around 54/55 years old?
It will be very hard to change things. If you want to change things, you will have to change yourself, and that might mean moving out and living your life independently of your H.
Are you willing to consider that step?
You say parents have 2700 plus 3600 per month in income and are living free in one of their son's homes. That's 6,300 per mo in "spending money " they have. But whatever they have isn't really the question. It is the relationship that they have with their son, who has apparently very little relationship with you.
Get the counseling. Then decide if you can stay in this marriage or not. The ability to make your own decision and know it is your decision will give you great peace.
I read that you and your husband keep your finances separate - he is telling you by his actions and not wanting to discuss that he feels he can make the decisions with "his" money. My sister married about 12 years ago and she and her husband have separate finances. He gives his deadbeat brothers and sisters about 25% of his take home pay each month. No money for their daughter's 529 college account. My sister has fought about it for years (she makes 1/2 of what he does) but he won't talk about it - as long as he covers his share of the house expenses - he feels that he can do what he wants with "his" money.
You are not likely to get very far in this arrangement - everyone seems content but you - and you don't hold a very powerful position. You might have to come to terms with this as how it will be.