How do I give care when my mother in law resists so much and takes so much?
I moved in with my ex mil because I care for her daily. she has peripheral artery disease dementia and has had one leg amputated. I cook and clean for her, take her to doctor visits, grocery shopping, etc. I also have four teenagers that live with me and it is beginning to get more difficult because 'gran' has come to expect me to do everything and basically ignore my children or my needs. I feel like a slave sometimes. And she has been 'hearing' a whooshing sound in her ears. I explained that it was most likely her blood pressure or the sound of blood going through the vein by her ear and that we need to go to the doctor to have her ears checked. She refuses adamantly. She says "I don't need to go to the doctor! I know what it is ! No one believes me or pays any attention to me!" She has claimed that it is gas from the drilling a few miles away and that we are going to blow up any minute from a gas leak, it is the air conditioner making noise and we need to 'throw it away' and she keeps turning it off, it is water running through the pipes under the house, and a couple of other things. But everytime she hears it, she calls me to drop what I'm doing and come listen. Of course, I hear nothing, and I tell her that.....and remind her of the last time she called me in to listen and I heard nothing. She just complains and complains alllll the time and I am tired of listening to it, especially when she won't go to the doctor or listen to reason whenever she is complaining about something. This applies to her eyes as well. She goes in cycles with her moods and so when she is having her fits, we have to cancel appts. and reschedule because it is too much for her to handle to get up and ready to go to the doctor!! Then the last time we made it to the doctor, she told them that I wouldn't bring her! and one time she told them that I drove her all the way to the office, but turned around and took her home because I didn't want to take her!!! How do I deal with defending myself or making sure that people don't believe those lies? It is hurtful and I'm beginning to get angry about it. It makes me want to just 'do' the work without 'feeling' compassion or anything for her. And she puts on a real good show at the regular doctor so he doesn't make sure that she knows she has dementia and that she is NOT remembering and taking care of things correctly any more, like she says she is. I thought about starting a caregiving journal, just to log daily all of the decisions and problems or successes we have, and I would have a little 'proof' of what is taking place. I would appreciate any help!
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Gran has dementia, poor lady. Take care of her, love her, give her attention, but don't take directions from her. She has poor judgment. She can't help it, but it is true. She expects you to spend all your attention on her at the expense of time with your children? Remember that her brain is not working well. Yours is. You must use your judgment about how you spend your time. Her judgment is faulty.
Her judgment is faulty about going to the doctor. You need to get her there. She is having "a fit"? Is she dressed? Let her have a fit at the doctor's office.
She tells tall tales to her doctors about what she can and does do? That is to be expected. That is how persons with dementia behave, poor dears. They live in a delusional world. But you know what is really going on -- you are not having delusions. Get a note to the doctor before each appointment, explaining the current situation.
It MIGHT help you to learn a little more about dementia and realize that you shouldn't take her behavior personally. Much of it she can't help.
She is your elder. In a sense she is your employer. You want to respect her. That is good. But the bottom line is that she has cognitive impairments. You have to take charge.