My sister is the primary caregiver and in charge of her finances (which are plentiful) and she totally enables my mother to constantly complain about illnesses, inability to eat, everything negative. Mother is very inappropriate in social interaction and mostly refuses to go out unless it is totally for her appointments, etc. She takes no prescription meds but lots of health supplements. It has caused a great deal of friction in our family although this is nothing new! Mother has always been this way, but now it is growing worse by the day! And my sister refuses to be reasonable about ignoring some of this bad behavior. I was a former educator with an emphasis in psychology so I know about setting boundaries, not enabling, etc. I am at a loss as to how to apply what I "know" as this has become so personally frustrating. Thank you for any helpful suggestions.
Given the constant complaining about non-existent health issues you might put emphasis on researching histrionic personality disorder as wall as Narcissistic personality disorder of the "introverted" or "Vulnerable" variety of Narcissistic personality disorder.
The introverted and vulnerable narcissists are not showy like the traditional narcissist but the vulnerable or the introverted type love to play the martyr or use illness to control family members.
Both are often obnoxious and inappropriate when socializing with other people. The vulnerable or introverted narcissist however does not like to socialize.
Both are manipulative.
Both types often triangulate among family members by pitting one against the other.
Both types do get worse with age. It often appears as if they have dementia, even when they do not.
Sometimes however they do get dementia and that is a double whammy for the family.
The thing is, all bets are off when it comes to elderly and some mental illnesses. You say there is no dementia, and it is the way your mother has always been.
My father was always very intelligent, and very manipulative. His behaviors intensified and we all thought it was just him getting more stubborn. Turns out it was vascular dementia even though he could pass all the tests.
I wanted all my siblings to know everything I knew about behaviors. It was over 20 years of knowledge and training and working with people. Turns out my siblings did not really want to know everything I knew.
Just saying, I am discovering people will learn what they want to, most just want your acceptance and not all your knowledge.
So I bite my tongue and let everyone just be-and love them for who they are.
So is it possible to get by on only supplements? Yes, absolutely.
The best thing for you to do is be supportive, as your sister is taking on a tremendous burden as a caregiver, and it won’t get any easier. Sounds like mom might be craving the attention she gets from complaining, and at 89, I suppose you’re not going to get her to go out for more than an appointment.
Unfirtunately, my dad’s the same way. He goes out for an appointment, but otherwise chooses to be a recluse in his apartment, shunning all social invitations. I stopped letting it bother me. He doesn’t EVER complain that he doesn’t feel well, however, that’s nothing new for him. He’d rather avoid going to a doctor, and completely fall over and take his last breath without being in a hospital. As hard as that sounds, I have to respect his wishes....
Then, Sister came back and started telling me how we had to do something, this situation wasn't OK, etc......
My response - what the (expletive) do you THINK I've been TRYING to do here all these years? Do you honestly think that YOU have a solution I haven't considered or tried?
Is it possible your sister is having these feelings too?
Of course, I also understand where you are coming from. SO many people in our extended family are HARD CORE enablers, and have contributed to Mom/her mental illness progressing over the years, when in my opinion, there would have been more love in honesty.
If I can make a suggestion - maybe try sitting down with your sister and have a conversation. Ask her why she's doing what she's doing, whether she thinks its productive, or whether she's open to talking about new strategies. You might be pleasantly surprised to find that you both are closer to being on the same page than you think.
Of course, your sister may also be completely delusional and see no problems here. In which case I would encourage you to make sure that you do what you need to do to keep your own sanity. Boundaries help, but as someone else here pointed out, boundaries are for keeping you well. They won't change Mom or Sister's behavior. And remember, boundaries can also be flexible. I've had to set boundaries with my Mom and Sister. But I've also found that I need to (or want to) change those boundaries at times - depending on what's going on with Mom and Sister. Or what's going on with me. Because the boundaries are for me, so I'm allowed to say where they are.
BUT - there are certain things I have Zero Tolerance about and I absolutely refuse to act as an enabler, or agreeing that inappropriate things are OK or "normal".
I think the most important thing I have learned in dealing with my (undiagnosed but clearly mentally ill) Mom, is that this is not question of finding the right way to talk to her or just getting to an explanation she will finally understand. Speaking logic and reason to an unreasonable or mentally ill person is like speaking French to a Russian. They might nod, but you're just not going to be understood.
I hope this is helpful. Hang in there. You are a loving and caring person, and it's so difficult when our loved ones do not want to accept help. I think you should take comfort in the fact that you are trying and that's more than a lot of people out there do. Good luck!
It is very disheartening but you might need to see less and less of your mom. If possible, see more and more of your sister but do not mention your frustrations about her enabling, go talk to a third part professional because it will really upset her and she won't be able to see things your way. I do not know your age differences, but she may know 'another' mom, not the one you experienced.
I wish you peace of mind, and love of the situation as it is. Meditate, and take a lot of walks empty your mind and then eventually you will get it. If you have a job, buy your sister a massage therapy session once a month and be of help by accepting as is. Once my father died, I had no one left in my family that I could trust, cherish, or love. They refused to even go to lunch with me 3 years before his death, as I pleaded for a team approach to care giving. I hope this helps you, and not seem like it's a sounding board for my crap. "I got this" I had to learn to accept them and all as was and could not. No one to blame, not even me, but I learned something.
If you are trying to use boundaries to make your mother or sister behave differently so it doesn’t bother YOU, then YOU are the one who is overstepping boundaries.
An important first step in developing healthy boundaries is to get acquainted with, and take ownership, of your true self. This is essential before healthy boundaries can be set and maintained. As adults, we are responsible for the decisions we make in life. We have freedom to respond, to make choices, and to limit the way others' behavior affects us. As a "free agent", we can take responsibility for our freedom by setting boundaries, or borders, between ourselves and those around us. Some people refuse to set boundaries because they see them as selfish. Others actually use them to be selfish. Both are wrong. Boundaries are about SELF-control.
It seems like this is something you think your sister should do, but it is really what YOU should do. You have to be able to identify “your stuff” as separate from “her stuff,” and deal with your own stuff, by working on yourself.
Ask yourself why it bothers you so much that your mother is the way she is and your sister is the way she is. Then focus on what you could do to work on YOUR OWN feelings, so you can be at peace in the situation. If you need help processing those feelings, I encourage you to talk to a therapist for support.
The only thing I can add is if Vickieanna gets tired of it, just say, "We have talked about illness or whatever for 15 minutes. Let's talk about something else".
Their is a joke about old people doing an "organ" recital.
Help your sister, give her respite. Don't worry about changing either one of them. Not your monkey, not your circus. I am sure you have read Codependent No More. Don't try to rescue, people don't appreciate it.
I went through it with my Dad. He'd make up things like chest pain, can't breathe etc. Of course, you've got to take it seriously. Even the ambulance people and doctors did - alas now they wont even come out because hes done it so often.
Hes even self inflicted a head injury on himself because he didnt agree with the doctor that he didnt need to be in hospital (for a chest infection). Bang head same result achieved.
But where do you draw the line? Its a tough one. At the moment, I tend to ignore after years of it. Probably not funny really but we'll find him dead one day and say "Oops he wasn't making it up this time".
There have been other posts about how to help the family member who is carrying the biggest care giving load. Ideas include acknowledging that they are doing just that, occasional gifts, some respite - even paying for a holiday for them while you give them some respite. It can smooth over a lot of niggles. If you swallow your criticisms and try to be 'nicer', she might be nicer to you, as well as easier to approach with your ideas.
And your sister is what? In her fifties? Sixties? Pushing 70? She is not exactly a high school student, open to new ways. Does she have a background in psychology or teaching? Has she ever expressed a desire to learn the techniques you think she should use?
As you know, the only person whose behavior you can control in this situation is your own. By all means, use every method you can think of to try to make your interactions with Mom more pleasant for you. Just be realistic in your expectations of your mother, and also of your sister.
"It was being so miserable made him happy"
He loved to moan and groan about his illness this and his illness that!
He would moan to everyone and anyone.
To be honest it gave me a bit of a break. lol At least I did not have to listen.
If your sister is coping with it (in her own way) I feel, may be, you could 'leave well enough alone'.
Saying that, I am sure she could do with some 'time out'. She must be under so much pressure.
Just make sure she knows you are there for 'her'.
Take Care and good luck
Buzzy
I would try to find ways you can support your sister as well. Ask her what would be most helpful to her. If your mom is a drama queen, the complaining and negativity can't be easy for her to deal with either. Try and approach your sister in a supportive way, rather than putting her on the defensive. Remember, you both love mom and are in this together.