I'm hoping someone might have some advice on dealing with my mother, who is 78 years old. In every single conversation -- I mean EVERY single one -- she will steer the topic to her health, her pains, new symptoms, some doctor's appointment from years ago, some unpleasant old incident related to her health (or about my father going back decades!), how much she had to endure at work since she was young, on and on...
She worked hard all her life until retiring, and has several health problems including issues with her blood pressure, arthritis, widespread pain, poor circulation, etc. -- but everyone in my family has health issues too. I seem to have inherited the weakest genes from each parent and have been dealing with one really frightening rare condition after another, and sometimes would like support from my family since I listen to their issues, but none of them -- least of all my mother -- seem to be able to let me discuss what I'm going through without interrupting to talk about her own problems. It's not just with my health -- anybody can be talking about anything at all, and somehow she weaves the topic right back to her suffering. I think it might hav start 25-30 years ago and slowly got worse. She has driven many people away, and made the closest family very resentful.
I went through extremely frightening non-elective eye surgery yesterday with a traumatic bad reaction so I'm quite shaken, and today my mother called to ask how it went. I barely got 2 sentences out and she started explaining her own experience with Lasik eye surgery (which is elective and not that big a deal) and, well, I just felt I couldn't bear it. I abruptly ended the conversation, barely saying bye. Now I feel terribly guilty, as I always do when I cut off her complaining. She is not receptive to commentary about her excessive focusing on her health -- she becomes very irritated. I feel like I can't handle it any more at all. I've become completely intolerant of it and have been increasingly avoiding talking to her.
She's truly a very good person and I love her so very much. I don't want this insane obsession to put distance between us but I think I'm tired down to my soul of this situation. Does anyone have any advice at all? Many thanks in advance for any insights at all!
Your Mum sounds an awful lot like my former mil, and all her sisters. If anyone mentions anything health related, the conversation quickly switched to their particular health issue. Or for my former mil her complaints about her ex hubby. They had been divorces for years, she had remarried and been widowed, but she still complains about her first husband, endlessly. I would put a stop it it, by saying well you choose to go back to him so you only have yourself to blame for what followed.
Google “narcissistic mothers” and you’ll find a lot of info that will make total sense.
One major, and often sneaky, tactic that narcissist parents use is guilt. She has likely used guilt to control you and everyone else since you were a kid. If she is mad or miserable, surely it’s your fault somehow... or you’re a bad daughter for not feeling her pain. You’re only here to serve her and gauge her needs. You’re not a separate person, even if you’re an adult. You’re just an extension of her.
It’s not your fault she is like this and it’s not up to you to change her. She won’t change because she feels no need to do
so.
It's definitely true that she carries on as though no on can possibly have it as hard as she does. The most frustrating part is that she is dismissive of other's health issues, major or minor. Recently my father (who is 83) had a super-strength flu shot and was warned he might feel achy and tired, and sure enough, he did, so he wanted to lie down later that evening-- which seemed to disgust my mother, since after all she had also had had a flu shot too and she didn't need to lie down. For Pete's sake -- I was inwardly outraged and could only tell her to please try to be more understanding, which didn't quite work. Lately when things like this happen, it seems to make me deeply resentful toward her, which I don't want to be. I will have to try the solutions offered in this thread.
You're wanting support for what you go through (and rightly so!), and no one in your family, especially your mother, makes time to listen to you .. this on top of the fact that you make time to listen to them. That's totally frustrating! Makes anyone feel used. You're likely a good listener, and others take advantage. You're always there for them, and when you need any of them, poof~ they're nowhere to be found.
Be less available to listen to mother's problems, and the others, too. When any of them start complaining, you immediately change the subject to something not health related. If that doesn't work, you suddenly have to go.
Mother may be lonely, and need someone to talk to about her health problems, etc. Maybe there are senior groups in your community that get together that you can direct her to. It may help you with her.
It would be great if you find others who will listen to you; course, you can always come here, too. We all need and want others to listen and be supportive. It's not healthy for you to listen to everyone's problems, plus have no one to listen to yours.
Of course, we can't change what people choose to talk about, only what we will listen to.
Sometimes, when this happens maybe you could just do some busy work if you're at her house (when you're up to it) and then when you light (sit down) keep the conversation on other subjects. Easier said than done with chatter boxes but I find talking about food is a good diversion. I love what lilhelp said-if that doesn't work-just really get up and make your way out the door. I don't know why some people have to control all the conversations but it has made me appreciate when I can have a normal give and take chat with someone. Take care.
Has your mother always been a ruminator? Has she ever been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? There are antidepressant meds that specifically target rumination.
I think she started ruminating about her health in her 40s, when she started having aches and pains. (I suspect she might have had something like fibromyalgia all these years.) When menopause hit, she was downright miserable and no one could possibly be having any real problems except for her. I think that was also right around the time she realized she was middle aged, had sacrificed a lot and got little in return, and became very embittered -- she decided since nothing great was coming her way, she would seek gratification by making us feel how much she was suffering. Something like that.
She hasn't seen a psychiatrist. Her doctor mentioned that she might be depressed, and Mom told me quite a few times she doesn't quite think that's what it is, and instead it's that she has to deal with constant pains etc., and she definitely doesn't want to take antidepressants. I really should ask her about this again.
Have a wonderful day!
I think she did realize I was upset, as she phoned again today and seemed to be trying to be careful, and kept the conversation very brief. This time she asked how I was doing, let me talk for half a minute (haha) before saying all this is to be expected (how I'm feeling physically) before going onto other topics, including minutia about my elderly uncle's vitamins -- so I still didn't get to say much about myself beyond a couple of sentences, but at least she didn't launch into her illnesses except for a very brief mention that she pushes through and keeps active. So I think she noticed! :)
I do not think there is very much chance of changing it.
I do think it is absolutely fine for you to decide, on particular occasions, that you can't cope with it. What happened today is definitely fine. Your mother rang YOU. She rang because she knew you'd had a hard time. She was expecting you not to feel great, and she won't have been at all surprised that you weren't up to a prolonged conversation. Seriously, she'll think nothing of it. Don't let that trouble you, at least.
You say she is not receptive to people's pointing out that she obsesses about her health. Is there any chance at all that she might agree to discuss her general mood and mental health with anyone professional?
For home consumption, just to feel you're trying something, what about limiting "corrections" instead to the specific subject in hand? Something like: "mother, you rang to ask me about my surgery. Shall I tell you how it went? Because otherwise I really need to go and rest now, and I'll call you later."
On other occasions, it could be something like: "Yes. Getting back to Bernice's baby, now..." or "Moving on. Did you see there's an exhibition opening on Saturday?" Stop her, and change the subject. Don't attempt to point out to her what she's doing wrong, but continually redirect her onto something more interesting and more constructive.
You can only try, and have as back up that when you are feeling tired and down-hearted it is FINE to make your excuses and finish the conversation.
If this has always been the case, then I am afraid she is self centered. Otherwise, she has something else going on, most likely as much emotionally as physically.
She may be dealing with anxiety and some depression due to her aches and pains. Has she told her doctor how she feels? Are you able to speak to her doctor to tell him/her how she is becoming a bit obsessive around certain topics?
It does seem like with some people as they age they become somewhat negative. They either talk about nothing but their ailments or tell you about everyone in their circle who has died! It does get tiresome to listen to. I don’t think they even realize they are doing it. Maybe she is scared.
Sometimes changing the subject doesn’t even help. I suppose if it’s too much to bear at that moment you will have to end the conversation. Don’t feel guilty about being short with her. Yes, it makes you feel badly but trust me, everyone has reacted the same way from time to time. We understand that you love your mom. You’re frustrated and stressed, which is normal.
Have you thought about speaking to a therapist just to vent and possibly get a new perspective on how to cope? It can be helpful to speak to a professional person that has dealt with these issues. Or what about a caregiver support group? Google support groups in your area and stop by one. They are helpful too.
Best wishes to you.
Her insistence on talking about her health has been going on for decades so I don't think it's anything new that triggers it particularly -- it seems more of a consistent habit. I don't go with her for doctor's visits; my sister usually does that and I believe she did mention it to the doctor, although I don't think anything came of it.
Ironically I did start seeing a therapist maybe a decade ago, and I didn't even think to criticize my mother for always going on about her ailments until the therapist noted that I was overly eager to defend her sainthood and seemed to intuit that I was perpetually feeling unduly guilty/sad about Mom. We never went too deep with this, but it did plant a notion in my mind that maybe I wasn't seeing things rationally. I may look for some therapy to help sort through all of this (and related issues). Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. Best wishes to you too!
My mom has done this for my entire memory. I use to listen and be so compassionate about all her ills. Now I just say, yeah mom I know, but we aren't talking about you right now. She gets mad and the conversation ends. She doesn't care what anyone else is going through, if it ain't about her it ain't about anything. It is selfish and self-centered behavior. She has no empathy for anyone and I learned years, decades ago that she is not someone that I can share my struggles with. Saved me many tears and loads of frustration.
You will never get her to care about your struggles, she isn't wired with empathy, save your heart and don't share your issues.
I am sorry that you are stuck with a self-centered mom, it would be nice to have a mom that was concerned about your health and wellbeing. I wish that I could tell you some way to change her, but I believe that only God almighty can change her heart and she would have to be willing.
Find someone whom you can share with and be counted.
Hugs! I truly do understand your feelings and encourage you to get over expecting anything from her.
Praying that all is well with your eyes.