My father who has dementia was living in a assisted living facility with about 70 other residents. I found that they were allowing my father to do alot of sleeping. no matter what time of day that I came to visit him he would be asleep in bed in his pj's. He was having his food trays brought up to his room while sleeping which many were left untouched. This facility offered bus rides twice a week, entertainment from different local groups, and a more detailed menu..... I moved him from this facility 5 weeks ago to a smaller care place with 16 total residents.. He is more alert here, he is up and about when I come to visit and seems more like his own self.. But he now is telling me he does not like it here.. this new place is a dementia / alzheimers care place and the residents have all different stages of this awful disease... my father says he is living with "people who are nuts" and he does not want to see these behaviors. he misses the good food, the entertainment and the bus rides.. he is insisting I take him back to the original place,.. he states its his money and if he wants to live there even though the cost is alot more he can spend his money on what he wants.. i have lied to him and told him I put on a waiting list back to the former facility.. I dont know how long I can keep saying that.... I like that my father is more alert, and I know that spending his days sleeping is not good for his health. But I dont want to hear him unhappy either...what do i do?
Why does he not like where he is? Or is he even able to express that? It could be he just wants to go home which to him could be a childhood home or even just the desire to be himself before this awful disease took its hold on him.
At the larger place, he was staying in bed, not getting dressed, and was NOT using that bus to go anywhere--right?
He complains about other residents.....because he now can----because he's up and aware of his surroundings at least some---he's staying awake more.
Dementia--gotta love it.
Stop letting him guilt-trip you.
And BTW---taking him home under your roof---Bad.
Hes going to get progressively worse.
That means ALL his care, and responsibilities that go with that, will be harder.
That means higher levels of responsibility and caregiving you may not be able to safely do--not for him or for you.
It means 24/7 high-alert babysitting--keeping track of everything---especially if the elder wanders around----the house, the yard, the neighborhood.
They can lock themselves out of the house, or let strangers in, when you're not home to know what's going on.
They can wander off and get lost or hurt.
They can fall or run into things, grab to steady themselves on curtains or furniture and end up on the floor with furnishings on top of them, or pinned between furniture and wall.
They can leave the burners on the stove, spill grease under burners that cause a fire next time anyone uses it. Spill hot liquids on themselves.
Scream and yell.
They can do squirrely things that defy logic, and ruin your life, from going through your private papers and sharing them with whoever they want to, to "helping" lighten your load by making meals that include ingredients that make you sick, because they don't believe you're really allergic.
They can swipe your belongings and throw them away, hide them, or give them away to strangers; make appointments with odd companies and invite strangers to our house before you know what they are doing.
Think of them as potentially, erratically, very active 3-year olds in adult-size bodies. Mayhem in slow-motion.
I'm sure most everyone here can add plenty of stories how their elders did some wacky, harmful, strange things that screwed up their households, endangered the elder themselves and others, because their elders with dementia lived under their roofs.
Sometimes, I think those of us who choose to care for our dementia'd, beloved elders under our own roofs, must be a certain amount either crazy, co-dependent, masochistic--or a combo of these--ourselves----'Cuz we're sure not getting paid for what we do, most of us!
So the only thing the larger place has going for it, is, there might be a few more elders that have a few more marbles in a row, for Dad to talk with--but he was not doing that there--he was sleeping..
They were not, apparently taking best care of Dad....letting him sleep all the time, not getting him dressed---that's elder NEGLECT----and maybe poor staffing.
The money is his for his care first, anything left then you will have something to inherit.
Not all AL facilities are expert in the care of dementia residents. Moving mom was a challenge, but she is much happier and more active now.