Move Mom to her own apartment?

It was less expensive for my mother to live in an independent living facility ( utilities, food, house keeping weekly, transportation) than in a senior apartment where we would have had to supply all of that. You can’t just go by rent. By I would see if there is an independent living rather than assisted living facility. No nursing care and usually cheaper. $3800 is a lot for a studio, my mother had a 2 bedroom for $3800 and found it too big so moved into a cheaper one bedroom for about 1k less. Check around

Good Morning,
My only thought is that your Mom is where there are people around all the time.  Not 'in her face' , but there to notice if something is off what it should be.
You mentioned that your Mom had lain on the floor for 4 days before being found after the stroke.  That would be my answer...  That could happen again if she lives alone again.  The other thing, should there be the slightest start of dementia, a move could really speed up the pace!!
If she does not beg to move, and she is safe and well looked after, I would leave it be and pray she lives long enough to run out of money!!!
God Bless You for being the caring person you are that you are looking out for possible problems.  No one knows what can happen in in 6-7 years, though.

After reading all you have written about your mom's past I would be inclined to leave her there. Also change can be very difficult and if she seems content better not to rock that boat. I’m inclined to feel based on her health she will need more care rather than less with afib and clogged arteries. It’s possible she may have some vascular dementia. One reason she seems to be doing well is probably the care and feeling of security. Your description of her past housing situation also is a red flag for her being on her own. We often so want the best for our parents and for them to be happy but when I catch myself thinking these things I have to ask my self why I’m wishing this. Usually it’s because I still see my dad as capable when he's not. I do not like that he's ended up in the NH instead of AL but it truly is the best place for him. Had he gone back to ALF, he would have had bigger issues. So I personally had to make piece with his tiny room, etc. People's lives shrink as they age and truthfully they often don’t mind that they live in smaller places. We are the one's who have the issue with it.. Hope that makes sense.

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I truly appreciate it.

Finances were obviously a big reason I started looking into this, and I guess I got a little hopeful after seeing the new senior apartments in town. I needed to take a step back and realize mom wasn't asking for this, it was me wanting to improve her situation.

I like to think mom is doing well and can manage on her own, but the reality is I only see her a few hours every week or two. So I really don't know what her day to day routines and requirements are. Then there are the underlying health concerns I shouldn't overlook.

After 20 years apart I had accepted mom was gone and I'd probably never see her again. Then she had the stroke and my life went from no contact, to full on managing everything for her. It has been an adjustment, and admittedly I didn't want any part of caring for her in the beginning. But, with no one else to look out for her, necessity changed my attitude.

Our lives are already quite busy caring for our two moms. Adding even more responsibilities is probably not the wisest decision at this time in our life.

Anyway, thanks again everyone.

Lots of good thoughts from others, both pros and cons. One thought... I have learned to be careful with the “I know I would prefer to...” line of thinking. It is so natural and comes from a good-hearted place. You are a good son to care about her dignity. However, it can lead to actions that get you stuck in an unnecessary quagmire of guilt and second-guessing, especially because you are younger and able, and she is older and post-stroke.

It doesn’t sound like your Mom is chomping at the bit to get out. Nor at 73 and ‘mentally sharp’ is she doing what needs to be done to make that happen.

And if you haven’t been in contact, I would imagine there is a reason. If she gets less mentally sharp, you may encounter that reason again in spades. Right now she has you and the AL staff. If you are her only support system, you and your family WILL be the ones to bear the heavy weight of any decline. And secondary strokes are very, very common.

She isn’t socializing, she has had falls, diarrhea is an ongoing issue (this may be an after-effect of the stroke), you are concerned about whether she would eat properly, someone else dispenses her meds, someone else does some of her laundry and you have to manage her finances. This doesn’t sound like very healthy and mentally sharp for a 73-year-old. I mean that kindly. From this perspective, it sounds like AL is the proper fit at the proper time. A small space sounds like what she needs. She does have access to common areas, she isn’t trapped.

I would imagine many of us here are a bit envious that someone is where they need to be, lol.

One PS on the diarrhea, that could be a post-stroke issue that just won’t go away. We experienced that and since then have heard of it many times over. I am always amazed doctors don’t mention it more.

One fall or change in her condition could move you into the role of cleaner-upper extraordinaire... those messes are very physically demanding. Very. I know that is an “if”, but that is one thing that would rock her world and yours very quickly if she were in an IL situation.

Right now, it sounds like she has all of the “props” in place that many of us here know help an elder seem to be functioning at maybe a higher level than they are. The heavy lifting is done by others, so they seem to be sailing smoothly. You can set some of those things up in an IL, but YOU will likely have a lot more work coordinating people, missed shifts of caregivers, she may kick them out (you won’t know if this is going to happen until she is fully moved), emergency diarrhea clean up, and no real back up in the form of staff. You have to decide if you are ok with that. Right now, she has people and a routine.

Just things to keep in mind. If she was determined to leave and had investigated all of it HERSELF (her saying it wishfully and actually pursuing it are two different things) and started to set things up, I would be much more inclined to see an IL move as a good step. But it sounds like you are thinking you have to initiate this. That isn’t usually a good sign.

It sounds like you may not be close enough to her (and I don’t mean that in an ugly way, day to day knowing someone doesn’t usually happen with those big gaps) to know whether she isn’t as mentally sharp as you think. If you are really considering this move, I would probe and probe and probe. If you want ideas on how to do that, I can add more later, as can others, I am sure.

Money is important. She could outlive hers. But, if she does have to go on Medicaid, it will be 6-7 years down the road. She may be in a different facility needing a higher level of care and need much less pin money. Many facilities have cable for the residents, she may not need a phone, or care about her nails, or... she may not have everything, but she would be cared for. For now, less redundant groceries means less cost.

Only you know this situation... I just wanted to throw out there that during that time frame MANY things could change.

What does your mother say? Ask her what she thinks about this ALF, and how it compares with how she would like to live in a perfect world. Then don't talk, listen. You might want to spread this over many conversations.

It's really that you're ripping through her money faster than necessary that's bugging you, is it? Nothing wrong with that, you're wise to give it thought.

I think that if I were you I would not want to tinker with her for now, at least. Her vascular surgeon is pleased with her, but she has A Fib and she has had a stroke. She has this chronic diarrhoea. She tends to isolate herself.

Speaking of which - I don't want to intrude, but her twenty years of self-isolation, and thirteen years of no contact at all - what's going on?

At the moment, you have this delicately balanced person under control in a safe, familiar place. I think you have to be very certain it's going to help before you make any major changes.

Hearing that her home wasn’t being taken care of is another red flag that living alone wasn’t working for whatever reason. I would add that to the list I made below. It sounds to me like someone who is a pretty good fit for AL. It takes the pressure off of her. Especially if she has dealt with mental illness throughout her life. It sounds like she has just the right amount of support where she is now.

Given her relatively young age and the fact the reason she she entered AL was a physical difficulty that has since been overcome I think that moving to a 55+/ independent living community sounds like a great idea.

I just read your post on why the gap in relationship. That is rough, my friend. I am sure you experienced a sense of loss there for many years. That creates a hole in the heart... no one wants to feel abandoned by a parent, even as adults, even if they don’t mean to hurt you.

In light of the info you just posted, being TOO empathetic may backfire on you. Also, what boehmc said... YOU are not responsible for her finances.

You may want to tease out gently how much of this is really on you and how much of this is about maybe you having a mom again or you trying to protect her, save her, fix her world. (I know this feeling intimately, I am not trying to condescend here. It is a very powerful urge if you are the kid that people relied on or had to be independent and fix things for others.) After reading more details, I can honestly say that you are doing such a GOOD JOB with what you have in place. Truly, you are. You are caring for her in a reasonable and kind manner and have done a really hard thing to let it go and allow the two of you to enjoy a decent relationship.

Well, my book for the morning is complete, lol. I wish you the best as you move forward.

Mountainsoft, if you haven't talked to your mom, wait! Talk to her doctors and get there input first. They may be saying all is well because she has care at hand. If she were on her own would that be different?

I went through and am still going through the, got so much better with all the care, don't need care anymore. I cringe when my phone rings because I know the train wreck is coming, just don't know when.

Just curious, do you think her dead husband could have been the cause of her isolating herself? That is what abusers do to their victims. If that could be a yes, she may come out of her hole more and more, it takes a long time to recover from decades of abuse and she might need more time. Just a thought may be way off base. I would just hate to see her loose the progress made, she is after all socializing more now.

Such a tough spot to be in for sure.

Best of luck getting the doctors input.