Moving day stress. Any suggestions?

Someone asked a question like yours about a month ago. I remembering writing that when I first came to this forum, when people would post that their LO was adamantly against relocating, others would advise “tricking” them, like saying they were going out to lunch, going to lunch at the facility, showing their loved one their “new place” and then leaving.

Have Mom’s room set up with some some of her favorite, familiar things. Be positive about the move. Mom will be furious and try to lay many guilt trips on you. Enlist the help of the staff. They’ve done this many times before. Follow their advice about visiting. Keep in mind that you are doing this to keep her safe and cared for. It is not easy. This whole process of dealing with dementia in a loved one is not easy. But, unfortunately, it’s a fact of life. No doubt it stinks, but it has to be. Good luck and come back often.

Stop the continued discussions to remind her of the move. It is only causing more anxiety for both of you. Mom liked and approved of the home, hold onto that and get it done.

And everything Joy said.

Sometimes we just have to bite the bullet and do it! IMO Joy is right, stop talking to her about it. If you do dwell on the positives, like she can make new friends, participate in the activities and so on. I imagine right now she is panicking, When she gets there, give the home some time to acclimate her to her new surroundings, translated don't go there everyday, don't try and micromanage everything, she is going to beg to go home, try and manipulate you by complaining about everything. It is difficult, but it is the best thing for your mom, and, that is what it is all about. Good Luck!

I agree with the others here, stop trying to convince her. She might agree in one moment then POOF. All gone....

I finally got my mom in assisted living after a bad fall. Straight from the hospital. Dad had dementia so I had to use a bit of trickery. I’d take him to have lunch and dinner with mom then on about the 4 day of this told him I needed him to stay and help mom for a while. He bought that but we had several weeks of hell and back with dad trying to find his car and go home. It took about 3 months for him to start forgetting about the car and home and he finally settled in.

Before moving day, make lists of things to do, what to bring - make sure the furniture you are bringing fits into the new space. Don't bring too much, less is better if she is a fall hazard. If possible try to set up the new space like the current one to avoid extra confusion. I even stayed the first night and slept on the couch, because yes, it can be scary to be in a strange place all alone with a bunch of strangers. Remind her that these people are here to help and care for her. Show her how to push the "help" button, and do it a couple of times to "test" the system. I know it is very difficult and heart breaking at times, but put yourself in her shoes. Strangers dressing you and helping you in the bathroom/shower.

I am on the other side! I read every answer on this forum, and did a combo. Mom began to understand she needed to go somewhere. Her house was too big, she didn't like the caregivers I hired, she was running out of money (not exactly - but it is very expensive if you plan to live to 100!) and she was lonely. Found a great place - memory care but in a group of houses so very homey and interactive. We talked about what she would take. I knew when she was leaving but I didn't spend a lot of time reminding her (she would forget) although I did mark it on her calendar (as she requested). The day of, her Day caregiver (and friend) and I came from her house to my house for lunch. Then she moved into her new place after lunch. In between I had the appropriate furniture, clothing, makeup, towels, etc moved and when she got to her new place - it looked like home! Did she love it? Sort of. She has had her ups and downs but as you will find, it is absolutely the best thing I have done for her. Mine was a mix of tell, don't tell, plan and don't plan depending on Moms mood. She is 96!
It isn't all perfect. I have to keep an eye on her and she does have episodes of "bad behavior" - but I know she is safe, gets her meds, gets food and is with people who know how to take care of people with dementia.
Good luck! This forum was my help (and the wonderful people at the community who told me "I" would be ok!)

I posted an answer but don't see it, however, be sure to take time out for yourself. We need to stay so healthy as possible. Mine is music and I get a massage whenever possible. And it's wonderful.
There are resources such as a transitional counselor who can help you in this journey. I have one, got her thru Elder Options for free. Look up your Elder Agencies.

In reading all the comments, I’ve dealt with some aspect of all of this with my own mother who is now 89. 15 years ago, I (her son) moved my mother down to Florida to live with me; I deliberately bought a bigger house so that she could maintain one side of it. It worked great for the first few years, but the last 5 became a gradual hell. Hospital visits and doctor appointments slowly became obsessive and unnecessary, for root cause was often associated with behavior and attention, and not clinical. Nonetheless, her diabetes had really put her at a breaking point physically and mentally, and she wanted me there all the time to wait on her. She’s threatened suicide in front of my family (she went to psych ward), went missing in the 100+ heat for attention... on and on. Ultimately, my mom went from my home to assisted living to a nursing home all in just 6 months. Very draining as a caregiver of two (I care for another family member as well, but I’ll digress on that here).

Kudos for having your POA in place...
that’s a huge accomplishment to have in place already.

As a patient, my mother is completely non-compliant... in her words, she can self diagnose just fine since ‘she used to be in the medical field’ (not true) and she knows what’s best for her body. Nonetheless, she wants to see every specialist she can. But when she has needed something, I have to be there. That ‘presence’ comes at a tsunamic emotional and physical cost to a caregiver if left unchecked. 

First, I agree with having either a primary care or pharmacist review current meds. I don’t think doctors generally take a concerted look at meds often enough, particularly when specialists intervene by adding/changing meds for specific ailments and not thinking through conflicts. This could have helped with the transition to assisted living. 

If your elderly parent is diabetic, I can’t emphasize enough the importance of monitoring sugar levels and regular control of insulin. My mother insisted that she could manage it on her own, and she absolutely could not. But she also refused to let anyone help. This took a long while for me to help her get a handle on, but looking back it’s probably helped the most. She’s now in a nursing home, and she’s lost a lot of extra fluid and weight and at 89 looks better than she has looked and felt in the past 5 years.

Lastly, I want to clarify some of the comments made re: moving day. I don’t think the strategy of ‘stop talking her into it’ is quite the right message.... but I think that I understand the intent. My mom did exactly the same thing prior to moving to assisted living. She didn’t want to go, right on moving day. In response, I was very direct but calm: I reminded her that she picked this location and that she has made the decision, and that we had both gone through a lot of planning for the move. I also reminded her that while her living with me over the years was fine, I couldn’t provide the level of care that she needed anymore. I still got the rebuttals and guilt trips, but I anchored to my logic with her every time I responded. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. And as I prepare, today, to visit her in the nursing home (rated one of best in state), I just prepare myself for the next rebuttal and guilt trip. Like one respondent said - just know, there is nothing that you will ever do from this point going forward that will ever make them truly happy. This is part of the aging process, and the more we can accept that as caregivers for our parents, the more progress we can provide for all - we help our parents move on, we help ourselves move on, and we have the best chance (not guarantee, but chance) of maintaining that parental bond as best as we humanly can.

None of what I said above is easy. I am living proof, for my caregiving experiences have been life altering in every way. But I am finally at a point where I know how to move forward for myself and live more for me and not just for others.

Best of luck!

Yout may need to move her stuff while to take her for a ride. Get her room set up, then show her the new place. Leaving her there is a hard thing to do, but they handle this well. Give her a few days to get adjusted.

I just finished with the move and set-up with my mom for the SEVENTH time in 3 1/2 years, but this last one was due to A & B at the facility, so I had to get her out of there, and she didn't fight me on this one.
The original one was horrible, but she was a danger to herself and others, so DHS stepped in and I had the legal power to make it happen.  After the first 6 weeks, she was ready for a move to the next facility where she was for nearly two years until she was ready to leave that one when they wouldn't take care of safety issues, and I was concerned for her well-being there.  The next one was okay for about a year until the A & B occurred.  So...been there, done that numerous times.  Doesn't make it easier, but things change and it has to happen to assure safety for the person affected and their family/friends/neighbors.

No doubt this move has already happened. If not, I wouldn't keep rehearsing it as it just ratchets up her anxiety.

The best way is to take her out a few times BEFORE the actual move and then bring her home again - then she won't suspect when it is "the day". On that day have a crew ready to go into the home the minute you leave and bring items to her new room and do everything you can to set it up and make it like home. Go out with her and on the way back, tell her you want to visit someone and take her with you. Do NOT tell her anything, don't discuss it in any way. Be prepared, when you get where you are going, she will rebel and refuse to move. Be prepared in advance to have people who will "bring" her into the facility. Trust me that you cannot accomplish this on your own. You are going to need help. When she is inside, there will be an upheaval of emotions but stand strong. Be prepared to explain one last time then - not before - and if she carries on, excuse yourself and leave at once. The staff will take over. This is the only way I can think of.

Update to mom’s move.
We moved mom on Saturday, since she had already met caregiver she was told we were taking her to visit and have lunch at caregivers house with a promise a special visitor would be there. Mom readily accepted going. We arrived at the board/care and told her we were going to the store and would be back. We actually had a crew at her apartment getting her packed and ready to move out.

As a family we returned to caregivers home to give mom the news that she was actually moving in today. Mom totally flipped out demanded to go home, she was told that was not a possibility, as 30 day notice had been placed, and apartment was to be vacated at end of month. She turned on me and threatened to sue me, I had no right to be in her business I reminded her I had POA and doctors letter declaring her not able to live on own, and handle financial affairs. She said bull, and doctors were in a conspiracy with me. She then threatened to sue apartment complex for allowing me to end her lease. One of first things I did when took over as caregiver was submit to apartment administration my POA, and doctors diagnosis that mom was no longer able handle financial affairs.

After two hours of her ranting and demanding to leave she consented to staying one night. We are three days in now and surprisingly she is settling in and seems to be adapting to new environment. I haven’t visited for couple of days, but in constant contact with caregiver who says she’s doing well, and connecting with other residents.

This is all good news, but mom contacted me by text tonight requesting I take her to post office so she can mail off her sweepstakes/publisher clearinghouse letters. One is the complications of her disease is a fascination with winning sweepstakes before I took over finances she was spending all her pension on supporting this obsession. Unfortunately some of this mail was in her purse the day we picked her up, now I have quandary how to handle this. I’m afraid she may go into melt down if I don’t let her mail her documents, but I’m trying to end this cycle she’s been in. I’m so open to suggestions how to go forward with handling this issue.

I also want to thank all that took the time to offer advise regarding moving day, the feedback given was very helpful to me and my family.

Why would she need to go to a post office to mail those letters? What's wrong with an ordinary letter box?

It may be too simple, but what about offering to mail them for her? And, um, accidentally forgetting, or their being eaten by a dog, or falling in a puddle...

Or, what about suggesting she check the contents one last time before she sends them, and while she's doing that you subtly extract anything that might cause trouble, like checks or new contact details. If you can "defuse" the letters she can then mail them and be happy and there shouldn't be a problem.

Meanwhile, just agree to take her and then do nothing about it. Delaying tactics might work until you can get those wretched letters out of sight and - with any luck - out of mind.

Does she still like things like word search and magazine puzzles? I'm visualising what sweepstake letters look like, and the sort of crowded puzzle magazines you see on sale, and wondering if you might be able to divert her attention onto something like that.