He no longer can get an erection even when taking Viagra or Cialis. He gets angry and abusive because I won't run around naked. I'm 65 and had a mastectomy for breast cancer and NO desire to be naked, watch porn or continually talk about sex.
What am I supposed to do? It's driving me crazy.
Regardless of whether your husband consents to discussing his medical history or not, you CAN go & discuss YOUR concerns & ask advise for YOU.
Your husband is showing hyper sexual behavioir. This is NOT something you have to put up with. * No woman should be put up with being sexualy harrassed because the man lacks insight to his problem *
Maybe he has had a stroke?
Or the start of dementia?
(Fronto-Temporal Lobe Dementia can bring personality changes first, before any memory change).
Make it clear he has been agressive & you need help. That you won't be shoved aside because your husband says no to a short cognitive screening test. I get people can't be locked up without absolute cause & consent is a powerful tool against abuse of the vulnerable BUT.. you have the right to be safe in your own home.
I would ask the Doctor for a Emergency Plan for YOURSELF. If you become unsafe, ask who you should call? The Doctor? 911? A mental health emergency service?
Do you have family?
We can't tell you what you are 'supposed' to do although if it were, I would leave for a week or a year or longer.
It sounds abusive, however if you stay, it is you that is allowing it.
You need to feel like you deserve to be treated better. If you do not, you will continue to be subjected to his behavior.
He may or may not change. It is up to you to change (yourself, not him). You can't change another person. Do not tolerate it. Do not threaten to leave. Leave.
One warning. Then you are out the door.
Encourage him to get into therapy. He won't although it is still a good seed to plant. He needs a mental health assessment yesterday. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. You can only change you. Call 911 as an/other/s have said. Pack your bags. Find an Air b'n'b - if even in the same city or town. Do not subject yourself to this humiliation. And, being naked in the yard may be illegal or even if it isn't, if neighbors (or others) have a view, he may be reported.
Gena / Touch Matters.
I recommend you get an appointment set up with a neurologist. Tell him whatever you must to get him in the door. But if you can’t get that coordinated, it seems you’ll need to get authorities involved (perhaps it’s time to place a call to APS) to get him diagnosed and on some meds.
Please don’t hesitate to call 911 if you don’t feel safe in your home.
It’s truly sad that he is in denial about his behavior. You know that this isn’t normal behavior.
I agree with the other posters on this thread.
Best of luck resolving your dilemma. Sending you love, hugs and support.
As for running naked yourself you should refuse and not because of you mastectomy.
It is simply abusive behavior expecting wife to sit naked and watch porn.
I wholeheartedly agree with Lea’s response. Meds would be helpful in resolving this issue.
I hope that you will be able to find a viable solution soon.
Wishing you all the best.
You tell us that he is refusing testing of any kind, and that you have already spoken to a doctor who says he cannot examine him without any testing. You tell us also he is irresponsible with money. (from your profile).
As I see it you have two choices:
1. See an elder law attorney and find out your options. If one is to apply for guardianship and require court ordered testing then do that. If the testing is positive (and I don't see how it cannot be) become his guardian, place him, take over finances.
2. Go to the bank and clear all the accounts you are able, putting them into your name only. Next step an attorney to file for legal separation and separation of finances.
Then tell your husband and tell him it is your way or the goodbye-highway. Any balking at anything, MOVE OUT!
I cannot imagine another option. Living with this is simply not an option.
Clearly this is NOT the man you married. If he refuses testing then there is utterly no reason to live with a total stranger, which is what he is.
If they have joint accounts, then this is a great solution. She will be able to leave with some money should it come down to that.
I totally agree with your statement of, her way or the highway. There will be no reasoning with him if he has dementia. It certainly sounds like he does.
If meds don’t work, she will have to leave in order to live her life in peace.
This means that he's no longer in charge and calling the shots. If he "refuses" to go to a doctor for testing, he must be forced to.
How to force him to a doctor or even into memory care is to call the police when he's running around naked. Ask the neighbors to call the police if they see him outside naked. If there are children in the neighborhood, he will get arrested and this will be the best thing that can happen because the police will involve APS. You can call them too.
You call the police when he's behaving abusively to you. Let them see him naked and tell them that you are afraid because he tried to sexually assault you and you are in fear for your safety. The cops will see that he goes to the hospital and they will determine his level of cognitive ability.
Then you get him medicated to stop the hyper-sexual behavior if you allow him to come home. Or you tell the hospital you cannot and will not care for him at home and want to get him placed in a care facility. They will do it.
If you let him come home, while he's at the hospital remove all porn from your house. Then you put parental locks on the tv so he can't order porn. You can also have software installed on your computer which will not allow him to access online porn. If this guy has a smartphone it's time to switch to a phone with no internet access. Also, any Viagra or Cialis gets destroyed. No more of that either.
Your friend was right. I would not live with this kind of behavior. I will not live with any abusive behavior from a man whether it's dementia-related or not.
If a person is sick with dementia or mental illness and cannot be cared for by family because they're conditions are otu of control, they belong in a care facility where a professional staff will provide their care needs.
You don't mention dementia in your post, but his behaviors certainly have dementia written all over it.
And if his care gets to be too much for you, start looking into getting him placed in the appropriate facility.
And I just read your profile after I posted my response, and it's clear that you are more than aware of your husband having dementia. Now you just have to get him to the right doctor to get him diagnosed and on some medication.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
Where is he finding the porn if he has dementia? Sounds like he still has some wits about him even though he has dementia.
I would not have stuck around long enough for that client of yours to put his hands on me.
If some client won't wear clothes and is sitting their with an erection, I'm leaving. I couldn't care less if they have dementia and can't be left alone. I put a call into the agency and would tell them I'm leaving.
This would be the best thing that could happen. He'd get arrested and the cops because of his age would hand him off to the hospital where he'd be held on a psych eval. His dementia would be diagnosed in the hospital and that will clear the way forward to getting him medicated or placed.
Next time he gets abusive, call 911 and have him shipped off to the hospital for a psych evaluation.
Best of luck to you and I'm so sorry you're going thru such a thing. I really hate what dementia does to people and that there's no cure for it.
He doesn't have to be willing to take the medications. They can be given to him without his knowledge and consent if he has dementia.
If the drugs that will curb the hyper-sexual behavior can be crushed or come in liquid form, put them right in his food or drinks.