My mom is independent and takes care of her 3,800 sq ft home on a 1/2 of acre. She is head over heels for this younger man. How do I help her to protect her home and finances?
He owns a trailer that he bought for a dollar according to the assessor's office and works a minimum wage job (related to having to sell his business for a dollar).
She lives in Pennsylvania and I am in Colorado.
Please do not use public information as a reason to assume someone's net worth, it can be very misleading.
One is my brother and his 26 years older than him girlfriend, whom he lives with. Her home is set up in a life estate to ensure she can't lose it by any means. Which is a great thing, because my brother isn't the least bit responsible with finances and they could be homeless if he could get his hands on her money. They are very happy together, so good for them.
The 2nd is a long time friend that met a woman 20 years his senior, they hit it off beautifully and will spend the rest of her life loving one another. He thinks her 80+ year old self is beautiful and the best thing to ever happen in his life. Who can begrudge them a second chance at this kind of love? Not me. I wish everyone could be loved like this until they depart this life.
If your mom hasn't already protected her assets, it may very well be too late. However, the worse thing you can do is to disparage her happiness and this man. She will cut you out of her life if you make her feel bad about this situation.
Please tread carefully while trying to help her ensure her future financial stability. These situations require lots of kid gloves, understanding and love to keep them from turning back on you.
My dad married a whore, yep, straight from a whorehouse in Beatty, NV that sucked his millions dry and then divorced him when he was ill and needed care. There was nothing anyone could do but watch this manipulative, scheming thang work him like the idiot he became around her. So very sad but, it made him happy, so it wasn't a bad thing, just a very hard thing to witness.
I would go visiting, meet this man and trust what you see. This might be a huge blessing for your mom and her new love. Give it a chance before you decide.
If she wants him to move in, that shouldn't be a problem. So long as he behaves himself and he has no access to her finances or credit.
He could have lost everything because he just paid a bunch of medical bills or he could just be financially illiterate or.....
When you are 80 years old, it is tough to find a new life partner who is in good health near your age.
FYI my husband saved both of his parents from financial ruin when my MIL was still alive and has had to do the same for his dad who no longer makes good decisions and has almost fallen into several scam traps.
My mother decided to respect her choice albeit knowing full well the motives of the groom. Nothing changed; we continued to have Sunday dinners with them, and as grandmother was dying my mother was at her side.
Her only sibling, my aunt, went ballistic and caused no end of pain for my grandmother during the 14 year marriage. She refused any contact with her mother’s husband which meant no visits in her mother’s home. She employed lawyers to stop the marriage and protect financial loss. And was endlessly angry.
It is your choice.
* Do a criminal check on him. Get his birthdate. As is possible, ask your mom for his DL #.
* Have you spoken to him on the phone ? Do you want to?
* As others mentioned, get an attorney and get all her property in a trust.
Gena / Touch Matters
I’d talk to a lawyer about getting all her assets in a trust — or maybe just tell the guy everything’s buttoned up in an irrevocable trust and see if he sticks around.
I couldn't help but think--I think they call this being a "cougar".
Basically, bottom line younger men dating older women--usually with money.
Men have been dating younger women for years for looks, however, in this situation, you need to mind Mom's finances.
Years ago, when I owned a business a tall dark handsome young man asked me out. I would walk on my lunch hour and our paths would cross. When he asked me out I actually looked around to make sure he was speaking to me.
He was a "want-to-be-actor" working as a valet, much younger than me. I immediately responded, thank you but I am too old for you, I have a niece and then I continued and besides "I don't have any money". "If you're going to choose an older woman you want one with $$$. That leaves me out".
I told him how old I was. I said I am in my 40's and he responded that's nothing my last girlfriend was older than that.
I knew I would encounter him on a daily basis so I said, "this is one of the nicest things that has ever happened to me...when I'm in my 80's and look back I'll remember you asked me out"! I had to save face, to part with him getting a compliment and I never opened my wallet.
Did you ever see the movie "Georgetown" with Vanessa Redgrave? These things do happen. Loneliness is another issue with the elderly and you don't want fraud, your mother to co-sign or even a marriage proposal which would give you no say over anything.
I would run a background check on him. How did they meet? Some more homework needs to be done immediately before it's too late.
If your mom is happy after being widowed for so long then you should be happy for her as well, though cautiously.
Now that doesn't mean that you shouldn't go and meet him for yourself, and find out what you can about him(and yes that should be done if the man is older than the woman too).
Although your mom appears to be handling things on the homestead, I can't help but wonder if in fact she may not be as competent as you think, as I find it hard to believe that if you yourself was dating a man 15 years your junior that mom would be thrilled about that.
I wish you the very best going forward in this shaky territory.
At 80, some unmarried women are tired of not having anyone to accompany them to social events. Maybe they don't drive much anymore. Their women friends can have limited interests, possibly sick, constantly involved with grandchildren, or otherwise busy. A friend who is a man may be just what they need to be happy, whether a romantic interest or not.
You might suggest that she enroll you as a trusted contact for her financial accounts. That doesn't get you access. It keeps her accounts private. But you are the one the banks would call if there were concerning overdrafts or many large checks made out to the same person. This would set your mind at ease and also protect mom.
If this guy was able to buy a trailer for a dollar, maybe he's just smart.
Doesn't mean this son should be stupid and wait until his mom signs her financial life away.
In that situation, so many seem to feel that they must either move their parent in with them or go live with their parent and be the 24/7/365 caregiving slave. I'm sure you don't want that to happen!
If mom is competent there is little you can do.
You say he is 65 and working a minimum wage job. That is what he is doing now. Is he retired from a previous job that he is collecting a pension or Social Security. And the reason he is working minimum wage job is to keep his earnings under a particular threshold?
I think before you pass judgement you should get to know this man. See what he is like, how he treats mom and how she acts around him.
All that and do a bit of background checking as well.
I too think you need to visit Mom. He may be an old 65 year old to her young 80 yr old. I would be concerned that she should not give him any money. I have told my DH he never has to worry about me spending his money if he goes before me because I am stingy with my money.
Have you spoken to Mom about your fears, and if so what does she say? Because of course, the truth is that there is nothing whatsoever you CAN do about your Mom's choices, be they poor or good decisions, other than to speak with her.
I would for certain pay a visit. FOR CERTAIN, and now. A good way to meet the new beau and to assess things. Do know that you are well able to hire a private detective, and in my opinion might want to consider it dependent on what your assessment is when you visit.
I am 80. So I am forewarning you, that talking is where you need to start. If she will NOT talk with you (and you need to remain calm and gentle), then I would consider looking into background, but, heck, I might do that for my grandson's girlfriend, too, hee hee (only kidding).
Your choice how to proceed, but as I am said, I am 80, so I would suggest you do it with great caution!