She has been living with us for 4.5 years. She is so miserable all the time. She lives in the past and dwells on her past decisions about her life, her regrets and to top it off she was a substance abuse counselor for 30 years and understands the benefits of counseling but refuses to go. She physically has pain from her neck down due to arthritis but won't see a doctor or pain management about it. She had never been one to exercise so she has no strength. She is very stubborn and very religious. She has diabetes, and as a result her feet/legs don't always work the best, she has a cane but always forgets to use it. She is an odd bird in the sense that she has always slept sitting up on a couch, it is no wonder her neck kills her. Her eyesight is not good, and her hearing is not good either, yet she refuses to wear her 6k hearing aids. She has fallen 5 times since living with us, luckily, she has not broken any bones. When she first moved in with us, she basically took over the kitchen, it was her cookware, dishes, knives, etc. Her and my fiancé cooked a lot together. I relinquished my kitchen because they both enjoyed cooking together so much. About 6 months ago she was placed in the hospital due to a bowel obstruction, she had surgery and came home, her recovery was good and without any issues. She was more active before this happened, she loved to cook, she didn't mind doing dishes and little stuff but now, after the surgery she no longer cooks, she has no desire to even wash her own coffee cup. My fiancé and I make sure she has whatever she needs. She can't drive anymore, so he takes her to the store, doctor's appt. She occupies 1 side of our house, 3 full rooms in total. She is somewhat of a hoarder, she doesn't clean, and doesn't want anyone to clean her side of the house. She shows very little happiness, if at all. My fiancé and my relationship is dwindling, he is 59 and I am 58. We are existing not living, we can only leave her alone for a couple hours at a time for fear that she can fall. We have cameras in the house to monitor her while we are away...we haven't been on a vacation since she moved in, we use to go to the beach for 3 or 4 days but can't even do that anymore. My fiancé has his own health issues, he has his bad days, when he can't do it I step in, we help each other. Most recently she is displaying significant memory loss, she cannot remember somethings from 5 minutes ago. My fiancé and I have about 10 to 15 years left that we can do what we want to do, travel, and enjoy our retirement but it feels like we are on a very slippery slope navigating the care of his mother. We could hire in home care while we are gone but he feels she will be resentful to us and mean to them. She was mean to the nurses that came to our house for wound care after the surgery. I have mentioned assisted living and he feels that she will hate us. I am at a point that I don't know what to do but feel that time is speeding by at an alarming rate. I am not a decision maker in this scenario or don't feel that I am. I can't walk around naked in my own house if I wanted to, I can't play music. I stay too my room or office. I am contemplating walking away. We are engaged but have no date set. We have been going to couples counseling, but this topic has not come up yet I feel his mother comes first, and I am in a far second. I am at a loss... Help.
I am surprised that you have not left already.
Save yourself!
Run away ;)
Any couple that needs counseling BEFORE they're even married and is then burdened down with an 82 year old anchor around their ankles doesn't bode well for a long happy life together.
It's like I've told my daughter.....a relationship is supposed to be a pretty smooth and compatible deal. If all it is is problems, arguing and trying to fix what's broken, you know it's the wrong relationship for you and time to move on. Constant strife NOW means huge headaches later.
Best of luck choosing YOUR happiness now.
It doesn’t sound like this situation is going to change. Skip the couples counseling and seek therapy for yourself.
I think you know that you deserve better than this. You’re hanging in there hoping for things to change. It’s been over four years. This isn’t a rough patch.
I don’t see the fairy tale ending here. It’s more like a bad, ‘victim of the week’ movie. You would be better off living life solo than being with someone and still being alone.
He isn’t sharing life with you. You aren’t a couple. You have three people in your relationship. That’s one too many.
I hope that you seriously consider leaving this guy.
"My fiancé has his own health issues, he has his bad days, when he can't do it I step in, we help each other." Do you know what's going to happen, you are going to be a Caregiver for both of them. You are going to be in your 60s caring for 2 people you really have no connection to. Your not married and she is not ur MIL. You do not owe ur life to these two. I think your relationship is at a standstill. Ask yourself, is this what you want your next 20/30 yrs to be like. Are u sure Moms not there because son is trying to save his inheritance and he looks at you as the person who can pick up the slack when he can't. Would it not be better to have a place of your own where you can play the music you want. Walk around naked when you want. (Is MIL keeping u from playing music? If so, this is your home not hers)Me, she is his mother not mine. You want her living here, then u care for her.
"My fiance has his own health issues, he has his bad days, when he can't do it I step in,"
And when this happens more and more frequently, YOU will become the main caregiver for fiance's mother. Is this okay with you?
"We could hire in home care while we are gone but he feels she will be resentful to us and mean to them... She was mean to the nurses that came to our house for wound care after the surgery. I have mentioned assisted living and he feels that she will hate us..."
Well, he's certainly a Mama's boy, yes? Mama is the alpha female in your household.
Whose house/apartment is it?
I don't see any benefit to your getting married, do you? Don't you think it's time to move on?
There's so much more to life than just "existing" and I hope you will get the backbone needed to get your life back and the life you so desperately want and deserve.
And if it's without him, well so be it. You deserve so much better. Please don't sell yourself short and settle for a man who doesn't make you his number one priority.
This is a deal breaker. If he won’t go with you, you have a clear answer about your own next “10 to 15 years”. Think about it clearly while you are away on your own. Look at other people’s lives. Decide what you really want for yours.