She lost her license a few months ago because she hit a car in a restaurant parking lot & didn’t realize it. Customers called the police & they came by the house. I wasn’t there (she lives with me). I’ve discussed her eyesight, the size of her vehicle (large SUV), what would happen physically, medically, & financially if she hurt/killed someone - to no avail. She simply says, “I’m gonna do what I want.” Miraculously, she was able to pass her tests & got her license back, but she hits things (boxes, tables, etc) in the garage all the time. The entire family thinks she should stop driving, but no one is willing to give an ultimatum. Please help. What do I do? I don’t have POA.
After we achieved success in admitting said parent to a facility, I did a voluntary repo of the car since I'm the financial POA. That said, there's really nothing you can do, I'm sorry to say. It truly does come down to her having something unfortunate happen in order for her to stop driving. You can always take her car keys anonymously (which was my next move but didn't have to) and that would really buy out time.
Enlist the help of your PCP to tell her she can no longer drive. The DMV doesn’t care. When I took my mom to renew her license for ID purposes, I told the lady she’d had a stroke and seizure but would ensure she wouldn’t drive. The lady said, I could care less what she does. Alrighty then.
It is gut wrenching for them to take the car. Help her with the numbers of a senior bus service that picks her up at the house or or your church where younger retired folks take people to appts, etc. It’s an added burden on you but you (or a sibling) can take her out once a week.
Regardless, it’s going to be a difficult period with her. Stay strong. You are doing it for the safety of her and others. Next time, it may be a person instead of a box she hits.
The husband told me his MIL had a Buick and so had he and still had a set of keys. The MILs keys were similar and both said Buick on it so...he switched them out. Thay meant every time she tried to start her car, the key did not work.
He also told me she was paranoid about someone coming into her home. So he switched the locks. Kept the old ones in case she asked him to change the locks again.
Then call her doctor and explain the situation to him and make him understand that he has to get serious and contact the Department Of Motor Vehicles in your state and tell them they must revoke her license.
Last but not least, you put down an ultimatum. The answer to the "I'm gonna do what I want" selfish, etitled senior attitude. That answer is that if she refuses to stop driving, she can do what she wants living somewhere else because you will throw her out of your house. Then follow through on it.
What happens if she hits more than a car restaurant parking lot? Say she hits and kills a child or someone's mother, wife, husband, friend? Or causes an accident with multiple injuries or fatalities?
Let her know that she will not be able to play the 'senior card' in court and she will go to jail. Make sure she knows this.
In the meantime, as in today, I'd have someone disable her vehicle some night. She has to be kept off the road.
My father hung a tennis ball from a garage rafter so that the ball would tap the windshield before the front of the car hit anything.
He drove without any accidents until his death (not in the car) at 92.
If you see it as "selfishness," you've probably already lost the battle.
As part of a "routine physical", my father's physician, in whom we had confided, "tested" Dad's peripheral vision. (True test or not I don't know). But it's a common problem in older people. Then he expressed to my dad that if a child were to chase a ball into the street, my father likely wouldn't see him in time. Think of the consequences!
My father did. But neither he, nor we, discussed it further...until one day, he hesitantly suggested that maybe he should sell his late model car. He began to research what he could get for it, a task that kept him (and us) occupied for some while. He didn't get what he hoped for, but always a frugal man, he was surprised to consider the amount of insurance he would save. We were quick to suggest possible alternative transportation. including the offer to drive sometimes (inconvenient as it sometimes is..)
Apparently, she is competent, so I think it's really important for her to understand the financial implications to HER if she hurt/killed someone or did significant property damage. Unless she is superrich, the potential for bankruptcy could get her attention before anything else might.
I keenly understand the desire to remain independent, and driving is a huge part of that. Other transportation options are usually considerably less convenient and/or more expensive (a relatively short taxi ride in our area can be $50-70+). However, I also realize that I may have to give up my keys in time so as not to have an accident and get sued for whatever modest resources we may have left!
In short, there's not a thing you can do but hope and pray she doesn't have to live with injuring someone ELSE on the roads before she dies. Your dilemma is all too common. Too many don't give up their licenses. My own brother only gave his up at 84 after a very serious accident that resulted in his diagnosis of probable early Lewy's dementia.
As with so many things, you aren't in control of this. Be certain never to ride in the car with her, and advise others likewise. You have done your best. Just take this one off your plate.
Then she tries to shame the cop for giving her a ticket! Or she will tell him that her grandson is a cop. She still gets the ticket and is miffed.
I have stopped telling her that it probably isn’t a good idea to drive because I am not one of her children. Actually, they have given up too.
She still lives alone in her senior apartment. She won’t go to assisted living because she says that it costs too much and that the “old” people in her building need her help with cooking and cleaning.
We call this tiny woman who is barely 100 lbs the energizer bunny! I kind of feel like one day she is just going to drop dead!
She doesn’t have any major health issues. She loves stylish clothes and loves going out to lunch with her friends.
Not many people have this quality of life at her age! I’m amazed at her attitude. She will talk about what she’s planning to do in the upcoming year!
Also I would do what someone said make the car where it can't be driven pull the battery cable off. It may stop her until she gets someone to look at it.
Prayers you find a way to either save her or someone else she hits.
My Dad drove a Lincoln Continental. When he passed it was too much car for Mom so she sold it and got a smaller car. Had no problems driving that car. Maybe the SUV is too much car for ur Mom. She needs to downsize. My FIL hung a tennis ball from the ceiling of the garage. When my MIL hit the ball with the front of her car, she knew that was when she stopped.
I really can't see where you could be held liable for an accident just because Mom lives with you. The State gave her back her license after testing her. You can't fight with that.
Mom lives with you.
Since she has a license, passed the test and got her license back then...
I would set some ground rules.
1. She can no longer park in your garage. If she is damaging things in the garage by hitting them she can park outside.
2. No one rides with her. (family members her friends can take a chance if they want)
3. If she does any damage to your property file a claim with her insurance. Enough claims her insurance may be increased to the point where she can not afford it AND/OR he will be cancelled.
Legally if she has a license, if the car is hers, if she has valid insurance you can not take the car away, disable the car. If there is a medical reason she should not be driving there are forms the DMV has that her doctor can complete and send in.
I hate this because you hear all the time about people that drive into stores, into a crowd and it may have been prevented.
last option might be to give an ultimatum. (and I really dislike ultimatums)
"Mom, as long as you are living here I can not let you continue to drive. If you want to keep your license and car you will have to find another place to live"
YOU are the one that has to give this ultimatum since she is living with you.
She got pulled over for some bone headed move, and was basically issued some kind of order which temporarily revoked her license until she passed another test. I am guessing the officer knew she would not pass a test, but by this method it kind of puts the ball back in the elderly person's court.
It was winter, so my aunt thought she would wait until spring to take test, at which time she realized she should not be driving
I dont know if this procedure is state specific but I found it a good way to in a sense take away a license without actually taking it away.
My cousin who is 100 talks about her upcoming plans like she is never going to die! LOL 😆
She still drives! Gets speeding tickets! Her children have given up on what to do. I wish they would pass a law where seniors have to take a driving test more often. Our license is good for four years. Seniors should certainly have to renew their licenses before four years.
My cousin is an energizer bunny! She lives in a senior independent apartment all alone, no walker! She cooks, cleans and helps the other seniors in her apartment building! She’s quite unusual for her age.
She slammed into my car and caused quite a bit of damage. Then, she foolishly tried to drive away from the accident.
I immediately wrote down her license plate number and called the police. I didn’t have a camera on my cellphone back then.
She tells me, “Honey, I have stuffed peppers baking in my oven that I need to tend to.”
My response was, “Lady, I don’t care what you are cooking! I am missing physical therapy because you plowed into my car! You are going to wait for the police to come and make a report!”
She says, “My daughter is going to be so upset that I had an accident.” I said, ‘Well, I am sorry about that but you are not going anywhere until the police speak with you to file a report.’
So, the cop came to the scene and she proceeded to lie to the officer. This old lady was working on my last nerve!
She told the cop that the accident was my fault! The cop took one look at my car and discreetly said to me that he could tell by the damage that she hit me.
Thank Goodness she had insurance. Her daughter never allowed her to drive her child to school ever again.
My 100 year old cousin still drives. It’s ridiculous! The DMV worker asked her boss, “What do I do? This woman is 100 years old!” The boss said, “If she passes her eye exam she can get a license.”
My cousins can’t stop their mom from driving. She is stubborn! They don’t live near their mom.
My cousin tells off the cops when she gets speeding tickets driving to Walmart, dollar store, lunch with friends, grocery, doctor appointments and church!
I think seniors should have to take driving tests more frequently than they do. In Louisiana it is every four years.
Drop into the conversation that "Ceasing to drive does not equal ceasing to be independant".
People independantly take a taxi, uber or community bus all the time. Many of my relatives did this when their driving days were over (or limited).
Maybe drop in how nice it may be to just be dropped off, no worries about parking. Chauffeured 😁
Set up a taxi account & gift her a few rides. Even go with her somewhere (as secret training).
Sometimes people have reluctence.. never taken many taxis before, feel it's embarressing or other crazy ideas like family need to drive them..
Once they try it, they do OK.
Your Mom stay may want to drive, but it she can SEE a viable alternative, hopefully she may become open to new ideas.
When I hear about seniors who won't give up the keys, I think of the story of George Weller. Google it if you haven't heard of it before.
Witnesses were quoted as hearing him say, "Well you shoulda gotten out of my way!"
In the interim, make sure her car has "problems": the best thing is to borrow her car (without her in it) and take it somewhere to hide it, then have someone give you a ride home and tell her it's in the shop with a transmission problem. Make up the name of the mechanic so she can't call it. If you just take away the car she will report it as stolen.
Make sure other family, friends and neighbors are told to absolutely not let her borrow their cars. It will be unpleasant and messy for a while and then it won't be. Instruct them that if they see her pulling out of her driveway (after her license has lapsed and if she still has the car) to call 911 right away.
Meanwhile, her family figures out how to arrange rides to places so she doesn't miss having a car. I discretely gave restaurant gift cards to my Aunt's volunteer drivers so that they took her out to eat after their errand. She enjoyed it thoroughly.
FYI my Aunt's brother should have had his car taken away: in his 90s he went through a red light and got t-boned. It killed his wife (a 2x cancer survivor) and the dog that was in her lap.
You won't be able to reason with her. Dementia robs people of their judgment and empathy so she won't believe she'll hurt someone and doesn't care that there's a chance it could be a tragedy for someone else.
So, make sure to have that car disappear. Cancel her insurance. Whatever it takes.