I don’t know if I’m posting this in the right place.
My aunt (about 70, widowed) and cousin (her daughter, about 45) live in the house she inherited from my grandfather about twenty years ago. My aunt is my dad’s sister. Dad passed in 2018, but there are still 2 other brothers.
Last time I saw my aunt was about a year and half ago at my Moms funeral. Last time I had been to their house was a month or two before that. The house was scruffy, dilapidated and messy, but still livable. At the time, my aunt had bad knees and back but could get around OK with her walker. My cousin is way overweight but could still get around just fine. My aunt is a little absent minded (always has been) but basically sharp and with it. My cousin is… how to put this… A bit off? She’s quite intelligent but has a lot of depression and doesn’t take care of things unless she’s reminded. Self-absorbed I s’pose. She does work, though. Together they did OK.
Recently, I got a call from my cousin, asking if I could help her pick up her mom from rehab. I didn’t know she’d been in hospital- she’d had a bad flu/ fever. Sure, no problem. Last weekend I went and picked up my cousin and drove to the rehab center. I figured my aunt would be back up on her walker and be her usual smiling silly self.
It turned out she was still in pretty sad shape. She can’t put any weight on her knees. The nurses had to pick her up and sit her in my car. When we got back to her house. I had to use the bear hug method to hoist her up out of the car and into her wheelchair. I’m a pretty big dude, but it was still quite a job as she really couldn’t help at all with her legs. I have a feeling they sent her home because Medicare/Medicaid won’t pay for any more, but I didn’t ask. I also had to help my cousin up the porch stairs. She says she is now having trouble with her knees. I don’t know how she’s gonna help her mom get in and out of bed, bathroom, etc.
The worst is the state of the house. My cousin has completely let it go. Trash and dirt everywhere and dishes piled up. One room so completely piled full of trash and God knows what that you can’t even see into it. Smells like dog whizz. Bad. I’m not blaming the dog. She’s a sweet little dog and they have a fenced in back yard, but my cousin can’t seem to be bothered to let her out often enough.
There was a recent looking Visiting Angels folder on top of one pile, so I asked if they had someone coming to help. They said no, but my cousin said she was going to call about it again “this week”. Uh-huh. I wouldn’t blame any kind of visiting nurse for not wanting to work in that house anyway.
I feel sorry for my aunt. She deserves better than this. In a way I feel sorry for my cousin, too- she’s kinda messed up. But I feel like if she wants to live in a filthy hoarder house, that’s her choice. She owes her mom better, though.
The easiest thing for me to do is just what I did Saturday after giving them a ride. Get back in the car and drive home and try not to think about it. This is my cousin’s responsibility after all, not mine. But…
I’d like to help, but I wouldn’t even know where to start. My wife and I are both crazy-busy with work and fifty jillion other things; and when we’re not busy we’re beat. (Join the club right?) Besides I’m just one guy. It would take several people a few full days of trash hauling and scrubbing to get that house into decent (but still ugly) shape.
Is there any kind of charity program to help with a situation like this (In Southwestern Indiana)? I’d certainly even donate a few bucks to them- couldn’t be too much; I mean, my wife and I do OK but we’re not wealthy. Not that I’m complaining, I’m very blessed.
Now I’m rambling. Thanks for reading this and any suggestions and replies.,Hoosier225
This is too much for you to take on .
Your aunt and cousin most likely would not take any of your suggestions anyway. They may also lie to you and say visiting angels are coming .
Let APS , social services deal with it . They can do more than you can .
Cleaning out the house isn’t enough . Your aunt needs nursing care NOW that your cousin can’t do for her .
This sounds also like an unsafe discharge with no followup. I am sorry no one more competent has any charge here.
Call APS and read them what you wrote to us. There may be need now for the state to step in to take on guardianship and appoint a court appointed fiduciary. There is need here for placement before bedsores come on the scene. They can be quickly deadly. I would STRESS to APS that her daughter is unable to move or maneuver her aunt at this point and you believe she will quickly get bedsores which will in this unsanitary environment quickly go septic.
Thanks for the help,
Hoosier225
P.S. I also found out their house has no running water. S’pose I’ll be telling APS about that too.
I agree with RealyReal that no running water will get emergency response.
Call APS and do update us. If they will do nothing I am afraid that you are flat out of luck other than continuing weekly to report to all entities for wellness checks.
I took care of someone who couldn't walk or get out of bed. They must be taken care of properly, turned every few hours to avoid bed sores, moved to avoid blood clots. If your cousin is able to pick her up to get her to the bathroom there is a very high probability that the Aunt's legs will collapse and she will slide to the floor. If this happens, will your cousin realize she can call the Fire Dept. to help her Mom? I used to be a 911 Dispatcher. I know of times where people fell, and the caregivers didn't know what to do.
And, if she can't get her out of bed - what about her Mom's need to go to the bathroom? That's a major, major issue.
What about when her daughter goes to work? She can't just leave her there unattended. What if there is a fire, or burglary? Or she falls out of bed and has a stroke. How is she going to eat, if she's alone all day in bed?
Like I said, this is MAJOR and she needs help. If it was me, I'd call my cousin right away to see how she is managing. And, to make sure her Mom is safe. And, then I'd definitely call APS and the Facility that released her - because it sounds like an unsafe discharge to me.
Please note: I'm not suggesting you involve yourself physically by lifting or helping her clean. I'm suggesting you make phone calls to help your Aunt, or even stop by to check on her - because she needs your help.
Get APS involved. They maybe able to find services for the Aunt. Check on them every so often.
My sister was very intellegent but she too allowed her house to become awful. She too was obese.
And yes, DEFINITELY tell APS (or the rehab if she does get readmitted) about no running water at the house. Wow! I’m sure you were kind of shell-shocked by it all by the time that crazy detail came out. How is anything being washed and cleaned … How are people washing their hands, brushing their teeth? This poor woman lying in urine … Not being turned … Obviously, this can’t go on.
Again, thank you for your compassion. Like you said, you couldn’t go in all guns blazing like John Wayne and make it right immediately but I’d say whatever you can do to shine a light on this situation and find assistance for these two overwhelmed and vulnerable people is helping immensely.
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