My boyfriend (29) and me (30) have been dating for 2 years. We want to get married and start a family, as a matter of fact, if it was up to him we would start now but is completely ok with waiting a few more years when it makes more sense for us. Our financial situation is complicated. His finances are ok - stable job making around $70-$75K. I make $80-$85K annually, however, also have $90K student loan debt and support my 67 year old mother.
My mother has arthritis and asthma, and speaks very little english so even though she's tried, it is complicated for her to get a job and assist financially. She also has had colon cancer and gets annual check ups and is currently dealing with other medical issues that thankfully medicaid covers, but is not eligible for disability or social security since she has only worked in the US for 8 years and needs 10. My mom lives with me in an apartment we rent and I pay for. My boyfriend also lives in an apartment he rents about 25mins away. We both live somewhat comfortably but pay check to pay check, but cant save by moving in together because he is not ready to live with my mother at this point in time.
I was clear from our second date that I fully support my mother and that I would for the rest of my/her life, but I cannot support 2 households or even 1.5.
Now its really taking a toll on our relationship in respect to our future. He said he is willing and aware that he will have to live with my mom when we get married but when we do he wants it to be in a house where she can have her "mother in law suite" like an annex to our home - except that wont happen any time soon as we are unable to save any money living separately now.
I just dont know what to do, our future timewise is very unclear and I also know I am putting a burden on him and will for the rest of our lives and feel he will be unhappy living with my mom whenever he is ready. I love him and he is great, but we are not on the same page and cant seem to get on the same page about my mother. I am beginning to consider if he just deserves a good chance at a life without this burden and just part ways .
Have you ever considered couples therapy? Will take up some of your time & maybe some money too but your future is a worthy investment, right?
There will be options between the extremes ends of not supporting Mom & Mom living in.
Avenues to help retirement aged single women with housing you don't know about yet. Eg I have had relatives given subsidied rent through social schemes & also faith based organisations. Do you have a council Aged Needs Service or Social Worker Service?
Helping your Mom get settled in your area is different to taking on all her adult resposibilities. Her best chance to thrive is connected into her community, with friends her own age, have people she can speak the same language with. Depending only on you could lead to lonliness for her & resentment for you.
As for her health, I’m not sure what her prognosis is, but she’s only 67. She could live 20 more years and need more and more attention from you when your husband and child should be your first priority.
Until you’re able to give husband a guarantee that he is #1 in your life, not your mother, I don’t think you are ready for marriage. Couples counseling might help, but be aware that it could guide you to make decisions that mom won’t like. Could you handle that?
Couples counseling isn't going to help them. People who aren't even married and living together don't need to go to couples counseling. They need to part friends and walk away.
The problem here is the mother. Not their relationship. The mother needs to go. I don't blame the boyfriend for not being willing to happily take second place to his future MIL in his wife's life and to also have to assume responsibility for his MIL like she's his child.
Oh, hell no.
I lived in the same house with my in-laws when I was married to my first husband. We had our own apartment. Even though I loved my MIL and FIL very much and still do, it often felt very crowded in that house.
I can't imagine what life would have been like actually living in the same house or apartment or single-family house with my in-laws.
Couples counseling doesn't fix the housing problem.
How and why did you end up at age 30 so adamant about "supporting your Mother for the rest of your life?"
If you cannot make a husband #1 priority, you shouldn't get married or have any kids. If you cannot separate from your Mother (or basically refuse to), don't expect any man to make a real commitment. Most men would never agree to this arrangement.
Living with M is a terrible start to a marriage. Terrible for a couple of years, absolutely appalling for 20 or 30 years (and we have posters whose M is over 100, not just over 90). No wonder your fellah isn’t going to be in it.
You need to work out where your priorities lie. Do you want to be married with children, or do you want to live with and support your mother? Or do you want to risk being divorced, living with your mother, and supporting her as well as the children? Because the last one is a real possibility.
That is not living comfortably. All it takes is one surprise expense and you’re broke or homeless. There is no way you will be able to move into a house with a mother-in-law wing. You can’t save money for a down payment and your odds of a loan approval for a house aren’t great.
Your mother could live another 20-30 years and since you’re adamant about paying her way… I think you may as well just remain single. It’s not feasible to get married and have kids if your mother is taking most of your money and is expecting you to fund her until she dies. Language barrier or no, she isn’t going to get a job. Why would she? She has you to pay all her bills!
If you want kids, you don’t have the luxury of waiting several years. Your fertility decreases in your 30s. Yes women can get pregnant in their 40s, but odds are very much against you.
They are living in separate residences paying two different rents.
Most people living on only one income today are living paycheck to paycheck.
If they were living together ans sharing expenses they would nor be living paycheck to paycheck.
And your mom is still young at 67, and having asthma and arthritis is no excuse to not be working and supporting herself. I'm sure even if she doesn't speak very good English there are still plenty of jobs out there for her.
I am 64 and have asthma and arthritis and live by myself and support myself. I would NEVER expect my children to have to take on the responsibility of supporting me financially, as that would be so unfair to them and their families.
And as far as your boyfriend goes, I don't think it's very fair to him to be forced to live with your mom if and when you were to get married. That IS NOT a good or smart way to start your married life together.
And then to bring children into the mix...YIKES....pure craziness!!!
So I would agree with you that perhaps it's best to cut your losses now and let your boyfriend find someone that doesn't have the extra baggage of a mom to burden his life with, as that is not fair to anyone to have to deal with.
And you my dear need to decide if you want to continue taking on the burden of caring for your mom for the next 30 years OR be married and have a family with a man you love. You can't have both, but I don't think you realize that yet.
I do hope however that you make the right decision for all involved.
If you cannot commit to putting a husband/partner first, you should never ever be in a serious relationship.
You are young. I hope you seriously think about what you want from your life before it is too late. I really cannot imagine having a mother who actually thinks it is okay to be a burden on her child like this.
She must let him go so he can have a nice life with someone else who is willing to put him first, as it should be.
I would, were I his counselor, advise your boyfriend to understand that to be the case.
I would tell him this is unlikely to change. I would tell him that his only choice is to accept this fact, or to move on.
I would caution you both not to bring children into this household.
Life is full of choices. You are clear in yours. I would ask your boyfriend to be clear in his.
I am very thankful that you were honest with your boyfriend, but love is love and he may have thought things would magically change somehow, or that he would be able to work round this situation better than he can. To start with this enormous burden he does not want to take on is to guarantee that when the blush is off the rose, the petals will drop quickly.
If you choose to combine households I would do it keeping finances separate, and not marrying. I know there may be religious or personal problems with such a move, but it will save a nasty divorce; I would join household with the understanding you will all re-evaluate if it is working for all every six months.l
I wish you the best.
If your boyfriend is unwilling to take on the commitment both financially and physically of helping to take care of your mother for the rest of her life then please break up with him and let him move on.
You are committed to your mother not your man . Not fair to him .
I don’t see why Mom can’t work another two years so she can get her own SS check. She worked 8 years already .
Mom seems too eager to live with you . This will ruin any new marriage .
You will end up either single or divorced living with your mother .
OR, you can get therapy to understand that this is wrong .
Your mother should work 2 more years and get her own possibly senior rent subsidized apartment .
Until you get your own life back , I think you need to stay out of relationships
Do yourself AND your mother a favor by encouraging her to be independent rather than supporting her helplessness and stifling both of you.
I agree with you but I disagree with sending sick kids to school. I remember being so sick when I was a kid and forced to go to school. That's not right.
The mother is not going to get a job. She doesn't really speak English and is 67 years old. Even if she was in excellent health she'd be unemployable in the legal the American workforce. Maybe she can get something in cash under-the-table and probably did at some point or another.
The only way a person like this is going to get by in this country is if family provides for her or the American taxpayer does.
We're jam packed with tens of thousands of freeloaders literally walking in here every day. So here's one more. I'm sure she will get on some kind of SSI or welfare or some social program she can live off of.
Just, I would assume Mom has a green card. She is passed the 5 year residency mark so should be able to get Medicaid for health. I guess ur father never worked in the US? If he did, she can collect from his. If there is a will there is a way. You should not put ur life on hold. You may just have to find that house that Mom will have her own space. It only needs to be an area where she has her own bath and a room big enough for a bedroom set, couch/chair and her own TV. And that she understands once you are married that your husband and children are #1. It can work if your all in agreement that as a new married couple you need your space. Me, I have a split level with a room on the lower level that has a full bath makes a great little space. Held my Moms twin bed, her dresser, chair and TV. Closet for her clothes. Laundry room right there. There are bi-levels where its like a small rancher on the top. The bottom has a nice family room, xtra room, bath and laundry room. Would make a nice living area. It can work as long as Mom understands that you need a life of your own. That you will be there for her but you are not going to be everything to her. She too needs a life.
If he loves you, he will do whatever it takes to be with you. You should be able to live pretty well on over 150k a year. Mom maybe able to get a Supplemental income called SSI. That would at least cover her needs. If you haven't been there go to Social Services near you. See what Mom can get. Where I live there is a Puerto Rican Action Committee that not only helps their own but others too. Maybe there is something like this from Moms country.
The mother is already on Medicaid and since she has no income almost certainly she's getting food stamps and some kind of 'basic needs' income either in the form of rent and utility assistance or actual cash benefits from welfare.
I don't think the mom ever supported herself either here in the U.S. or anywhere else.
Do you really think that she's just going to politely stay in the quarters her daughter and the future SIL appoint to her in the home they get? Or that she will understand that the kids will come first before her needs and wants?
You really think that's going to happen? It's not. What will happen is mom's neediness and what sounds to me like learned helplessness will ruin her daughter's life and whatever marriage she gets herself into.
If I may ask, what job did she work at for eight years prior to now? Why can't she go back to that kind of work?
She isn't going to go back to any kind of work and my guess is she never actually supported herself here in the U.S. So really SSI, welfare, or you supporting her for life is going to be her only possible options. What happens if (God forbid) something happens to you? Who supports her then? Look into SSI or send her back to her native country where hopefully she has family she can live with.
As for your boyfriend. Well, I'm sure you're a decent person and he is too, but I'll tell you the truth straight. If I was him, I'd drop you like a bad habit. You know that saying, 'three's a crowd'? It is.
Would you want to make a life with someone knowing beforehand that you will never come first in their life? That their mother will always come before you or even any children the pair of you may have together?
My guess is no. You would not want a life like that. Why would expect anyone else to want that kind of life?
You have to make a choice here. Either you live your life or you spend your life living your mother's.
Believe me, it's not worth it. What will end up happening is you will grow to resent and even hate your mother for dependency on you.
Don't do that to yourself and don't do it to your mother.
This would require a push from OP. Mom's not going to help if she gets to ride for free.
Sorry to be blunt but it’s the truth.
Love isn't the problem--it's priorities. He cares more for her comfort and well being than he does for mine. (He believes I am better able to handle the stresses of life than she is--which is true, but it would have been nice to have him in my court when she bad mouthed me and tried to interfere in our personal lives.)
It has only been the last few MONTHS that DH has understood and truly appreciated what a bad dynamic she and I have. In 49 years of being together.
She's never lived with us, I won THAT argument hands down. But she still is a daily part of our lives. Now 93, demented and Narcissistic--we are impatiently waiting for God to take her home.
NO ONE has ever treated me so badly as did/does his mother. I love my DH and at this point, certainly not going to split from him. But I look back and all the people who warned me against marrying him--well, they were right.
And we don't financially support her. Nor live with her. If I were your LO, I'd run for the hills. You have the possibility of 30 more years of this. And it does NOT get better.
#1 Heath status
Arthritis & other health issues (inc previous Cancer). Severe Arthriis is awful, very limiting if this is the case?
#2. Financial status
Finding out exactly what financial & housing options exist for Mom now.
#3 Immigratuon status
Can Mom remain in the country?
Does she need to work for 2 years to do so or be eligible for a pension?
Then armed with the facts, help Mom make realistic, affordable plans for her future.
Coming to live with & be financially supported by a daughter may have been an emergency option, when she got ill.
But Mom needs a new, longer term plan. One that works for BOTH of you.
To allow your obligations to a parent to cancel out future children is an awful thought. I can only see resentment & sadness there.
Please keep looking for solutions.
#4 Is BF's income is a factor?
Is he worrying how he will support himself, you, babies and your Mother? That's a lot on a single wage. Does he have ability to increase his income in the near future?
Is he objecting to living with your Mom for money reasons?
Or does he resent how emotionally close you are?
#5 As others have said, three in a marriage is a crowd.
You've perhaps bought a home, and mom lives there with you. She has her own room but wanders about the house at all hours in her nightgown, so you feel uncomfortable having friends over. Friends? You have a few, mostly other unmarried women. Some are from work. Your work is what you discuss with them. You don't really have anything else interesting to talk about because you have no kids, never been married, couldn't travel because you had to stay home for mom. She's 82. You think she has dementia, but she won't go to a doctor.
You come straight home from work every night, too tired to cook. Mom can't and you don't want her to after she left that pan on the burner a year ago. She complains about the take-out you provide. She complains about everything. You'd like to go out more often, maybe meet a nice guy who will accept mom. But you're so tired. And you don't look like you did when you were 30. Your waist has thickened. Those pretty high heels hurt your feet. You have gray hairs that you try to hide with a touch-up stick. You're in menopause, you have hot flashes all day and all night. You are sad that you'll never have children now.
Sometimes you think about the guy you wanted to marry. He married someone else, and they have three kids, a house and a dog. You wonder if he ever thinks of you. You wonder what your kids with him would have looked like.
One day you look around and realize that this is it for you. It's never going to get better, and you have nothing after all this time. Nothing wonderful, that is (your home is nice and you like it, but it's just four walls.) Oh, wait - you were wrong. You have mom. Always and endlessly, mom. Waiting for you every night. She'll die soon, though. And then what will you do?
As you will always be married to your mother, this poor guy doesn.t stand a chance, nor does he deserve this.
Keep the attitude you have and you will wake up one day and be 65, and have no one, by choice. It is clear your mommy will always come first.
That is your choice, and if you are happy with that decision then all is good,
My mother is 98, next month she will be 99, your mother could live a long, long time.
Let him go so he can lead a normal life.
If your mother reacts badly about the idea of getting a job herself, leaving your home, and ‘letting’ you get married, she could be acting along these lines. If so, you should do some more research, both on the site and generally on the net. On the site, click on ‘Care Topics’ at the stop right of your screen, then on N for Narcisism on the alphabetic list. You will find 7 professional articles, 76 discussions, and 734 old questions talking about it.
But then Mom got sick & Dad couldn’t take care of her. Then Mom dies & Dad gets sick. And because for whatever multitude of reasons you’re the one that caves into social pressures, family pressures, medical system pressures, etc - it becomes your life that gets put on hold so that your parents can maintain the illusion of some bizarre status quo.
If this is a sacrifice the OP is willing to make, then proceed. It is imperative however to be completely clear eyed about exactly what is being sacrificed.
Looking back I have serious regrets. The inevitable resentment becomes a heavy burden. I think in the OPs case there’s still a little wiggle room for new opportunities or solutions. But that sun will set too.