My dad who has dementia packed his bag to come home from from the center today. How do I help my Mom deal with guilt and grief?

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My dad who has dementia packed his bag to come home from from the center today. How do I help my Mom deal with guilt and grief?

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Today was Christmas. Mom called him and he didn’t want to talk. He has good “lucid” days and bad days. Because of COVID, there was no discussion of leaving the center. The nurse said he had packed all of his belongings. I’m mad at the nurse for telling Mom, frankly.

Coronavirus Guilt Parents Skilled Nursing Facility

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I'm so sorry, you're going through this, but as someone who had to spend an unnecessary amount of time-fighting for my daily updates about my parent's status from a medical institution, that nurse is doing her job telling your mother about his behavioral changes. Take it as a good thing that you can get information out of the nursing staff regularly about your dad's changes in mental status and his daily behavior.

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Thanks for this. You are right. We need all the information we can get at this time.

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I’m sorry as this must be so upsetting. I think this nurse should have split honesty with some compassion on this day especially. Maybe telling your Mom that Dad will probably be fine tomorrow and possibly won’t remember might help her with her grief.

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Perfectly said. Sure enough, today he didn’t remember so much of what happened yesterday. Thank you.

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I agree that it was inappropriate to tell Mom this. What in the world difference could it do but to increase her distress. I think all you can do is make it clear that not everything in life has a "fix it" and this doesn't. Guilt is inappropriate unless Mom is a felon who does malice aforethought and takes joy in the pain of others; but grief is the appropriate word. Is this not worth grieving? I believe it is, and believe that grief is the appropriate response. There is no way to be happy about this; there is only coming to be content that everyone has done/is doing they best they can given that the world of humans has few Saints....mostly human beings with limitations. Mom is no longer capable of caring for Dad at home. The choice to place him was the only choice that was appropriate.
Don't try to block the sadness. Were you Mom's FRIEND you would say "Oh, Joyce, I am soooo sorry. This must hurt you so much. Let yourself have a good cry". But you are family. So you ALSO suffer from "fix-it"; you pick up the luggage. You can't stand Mom's grief.
Please just know that there is no way not to grieve this. Allow the grief. Tell Mom that you feel such pain for them both, and so wish this didn't have to be the way of things.
I am sorry as well. But now I can say that and walk away. You can't. You are grieving as well. Honestly there is nothing to do about this fact, when we live so long that eventually they get everything from us, our choices, our dignity, our very brain which makes us who and what we are, while our bodies must go on.

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Thank you so much for everything you said. It was so needed.

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I may be missing something, but didn’t your mother realize that he was acting “differently” previous to yesterday’s phone call?

Why are you mad at the nurse?

Is your mom your dad’s POA/legal representative?

Has your mother told you why she feels guilty? If she wants her husband to receive the care he needs, she has NO REASON to feel anything but support for her (and your?) decision to get him the best help she could, and presumably, he’s receiving care for his problems where he is.

Most newly placed residents say they want to leave or go home and many pack or attempt to leave on their own. It is the sometimes painful position of the responsible parties to support the residents need to stay, or to temporarily back out of the discussion and let the staff deal with managing the resident’s agitation.

Unfortunately, Christmas can be a VERY difficult day in a nursing home, and Covid has made things MUCH WORSE.

Honestly the nurse did what would reasonably expected of her, and what I would expect if my LO had a problem, holiday or not.

I’m terribly sorry you and your mom were upset. There is no easy way to deal with our Loved Ones when problems arise. Perhaps considering a small amount of mood stabilizing medication might be helpful if Dad continues to have upsets.

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Thank you. He has only been there a few months and this agitation is a new thing. The packing is a first. I know the nurse was doing her job by keeping her/us updated and I shouldn’t have been bothered by details that bothered Mom. Thanks.

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I'm so sorry your mom had to go through that. The facility should not have told your mother. What good did they think that could possibly do? Of course it's their duty to keep your family informed and up to date about how your dad is doing and if there's problems concerning him that you should be aware of. They should also have an understanding of discretion. They are professionals and could have handled this situation without phoning your mother about it when there's nothing she can do. You know that's how long term care facilities are. They will make sure the family is thoroughly informed about every little detail, but when something like a fall happens or they decide to change someone's meds, the family is the last to know. I would have a talk with them about their serious lack of professionalism.

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I don’t agree with the view the nurse was unprofessional to inform her of that- a lot of folks want to know where there loved ones at- figuratively not literally speaking- whether it’s pleasant to the ear shouldn’t be a litmus test. It’s out of love and concern that folks want to and have a right to know where their loved one is at emotionally and physically.

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Packing their bags is pretty common, and will likely happen again numerous times.

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Packing to go home is a very common thing. My dad would pack his bags and say he was going to go home to his mother, mind you his mom had passed away back in the late '60s. Dementia patients will have lucid days and off days. The nurse at the home where he resides was within her rights and job title to update your mom about your Dad, While to you, it seemed that being Christmas day your mom should not have been apprised of the situation. Your Dad was upset as he was told he could not leave, this is also something normal with dementia patients. If your mom is his power of attorney, then she is the one that has to be updated on problems that arise with your dad. If mom gets upset at hearing the information, maybe you will have to get your mom some counseling to help her. It is difficult and upsetting when you have been married to someone for a long time and you see your loved one ailing. Mom needs to have someone that can comfort her not someone that will get upset and make the situation worse. Blaming the nurse for making the call does just that, makes mom feel like she has no one supporting her, but only someone that is mentally stressing her out. I am sorry that you and your mom are going through this, but, put the anger away and be there for each other, it is new territory for Dad, Mom, and you. Dad doesn't know what he is doing, Mom sees her husband getting worse and you see your mom frustrated and your dad ailing so the stress levels are high.
Best wishes in your journey

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I know it is hard but it is also normal. My mother who is in her third home is starting again with I don't belong here. They go through a honeymoon period of enjoyment but then they have had their fun and want to go home. It is normal. And yes I still feel guilt. I question myself everyday about the choice. But overall, it is the best thing for my mother. She is getting the care she requires.
I am sorry your Mom has to go through this stress and confliction. Remind her of the great care your Dad has and care that would emotionally and physically take a toll on your Mom. Remind her it is normal. Maybe find written articles about it being normal. It probably won't help with the guilt but might lessen it some if she knows many residents have the same feeling.
It is hard on everyone. Everyone is going to feel guilty from time to time. That is also normal. Sending good wishes to all.

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Oh my Mom didn’t have a bag/suitcase to pack up to leave. She took what ever she could find and tied all her clothes from the closet and tied it up nap sack style, hobo style, so she could leave. I would advise to Eliminate any bags or suitcases.

The leaving idea their brain has might come and go often, or might last only a couple weeks. So don’t be surprised about this anymore then you would be concerned about a child saying they don’t want to stay in kindergarten. A child might even have a temper tantrum, but that passes too. Only difference now is dealing with an adult that’s brain is much like a child’s most times. A brain that can not understand what is needed for their safety along with so many other things. Just know you are doing everything you can for that.

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That's so funny when it's not sad.

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The thing is the packing up to leave can be diverted with stories about it being the wrong day or something. Then they forget and of course will do it all over again another time. It seems a strange lie in our minds to say "oh, you have the wrong day for leaving. It's tomorrow that you have your ride." We remember it was said. They don't. Your mom's guilt will be less and less as she realizes he is safer where he is. She might have the conversation with him about where he was going and find out it wasn't even home he was going to. It's another world he is in.

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If mom placed him there, it indicates she could no longer provide the care on her own. Remind her of that - how there are so many more people there to help him out than there would be at home. It is sad for mom because her whole life changed, too.

Don't be mad at the facility. If you mentioned it, they may quit telling her things that she really wants to know. Help mom understand that there will be days he is sad too, remembers that he wants to go home, etc.

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I’m like minded with those who expressed that it’s a positive the nurse is open transparent and communicative. It’s natural to struggle with feelings of hurt grief and anger at the illness that’s changed your dad so much- I think your angry at the dementia that’s changed your dad like those who have loved ones with cancer and struggle w grief and helplessness at the cancer that hurts their loved one— it seems as if your projecting the hurt and anger at the disease of dementia that’s changed your dad and projecting that anger and hurt onto others—in this case the nurse who is simply communicating and providing updates on his status- she’s the messenger giving the message- at heart what your upset and grieved at is the message ( not the messenger) of your dad suffering- that old phrase “don’t shoot the messenger” If this is the course that’s been chosen for him to be in a facility then that’s considered professional and responsible for staff to communicate. It helps in making sense of things- for example if your dad had yelled at your mom on Christmas and she didn’t understand where this was coming from, the information from the nurse puts it in context so your mom will know this is what your dad was struggling w that day. Nurses get the brunt of peoples anger sometimes bc the person is really upset and hurt at the illness and projects it onto whoever they can. Have you or your mom considered therapy to help process the grief and pain over this bc it’s a loss even though he didn’t die, it’s still a loss of who he was and you knew all his life. I’d highly recommend talking w a therapist to sort through and process these difficult painful emotions

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First of all I want to say how sorry I am that you and your mother have to go down this very difficult road. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

I remember the guilt I had when I first had to put my mom into a facility. Understanding the ups and downs as well as the constant changing in the thinking process of my mother was a roller coaster for sure. Something that helped me is what someone told me here on this site. We all want what is best for our dear loved ones and do everything we can to give them that. Sometimes giving them our best is realizing that we need help from others. It helped me to see that putting my mother in a facility was giving her the best care I could possible give her, and after all, isn't that what we all want. That is what your mother has done. Confusion and wanting to leave, as many others have explained here, is something that happens often. Each day will have a new challenge. A wise person once said "So never be anxious about the next day; for the next day will have its own anxieties. Each day has enough of its own trouble." (Matthew 6:34) Take it one day at a time. Bad days will happen, but the next day will be different and likely your Dad will forget whatever happened before and you will end up being the only one that is stressing over it.

If he continues to pack his bag then a simple explation such as "Oh not today honey. I'll help you when it is time to go" may be all it takes. And from experience, altho it is sometimes hard to hear what the nurses tell us about what is happening with our loved ones, you want all the information you can get. The opposite, never knowing what is going on, is a terrible position to be in.

Hang in there and keep on this wonderful site. Love and best wishes go out to you both.

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I am in a similar situation, but way different . I am an only child. Judge appointed me as guardian over my dad. My mom and I was told to work together. The day after court she drops me to do it all. She begins withdrawing huge sums of money from accounts and empties/closes deposit box. Won’t give me his ID cards, insurance cards, nothing. I had to go back to judge and he told me to secure everything. I had to get a different account to put dads monies in to pay for his facility. I personally have to come up with extra almost $2000 a month to pay for his care. Mom never once asked about dad nor his state, nothing. A few days shy of a month she asks about him after the fact that I went before the judge the 2nd time. She is now offering items, monies, etc. Dad ,over the summer, was coming over every morning calling my sweetheart, talking, going places with me , etc . Now that he’s in a facility and no one else is helping, he stated the first time I saw him, if you don’t get me out of here tonight I will hate you forever and picked up items to throw at me but just threw them on the floor. I was crushed and cried all the way out of the hospital. The second time was through FaceTime, he told me he hated me and I wasn’t their child. He stated I put him in there, Staff says I know. I cried and cried while my husband held me, he ended the facetime call. Staff tells me he won’t remember the next day BUT these two instances were about a week or week and a half apart from each other. I am afraid to ask to see him again due to aggravating him more or causing him to act out on the staff. He’s already shown violent outburst. All this is new to all of us, the facility just went under staff change, they don’t call me to keep me updated, every time I do call it seems he’s being led to his locked room or in it. There is no tv in his room only in community area. I did not like the way he looked the last virtual visit.
Mom refuses my help to help her especially her health but she tells everyone I took all their monies and now she has nothing. I’ve asked her many times what does she need or can I help with anything. I haven’t touched her monies. She moved out of the house staying with family. They are leading her astray and bad advice. While dad was at home I had to stay down there for almost a week day and night to be referee/ go in between. Dad couldn’t get sleep cause mom would do vacuuming, empty garbage cans , laundry at 3am. Mom would push her body against dads then say he’s hitting me he’s hitting me. She had the hallway behind her. I said mom just back up, she would not. I then put my arm around dad and I told him, let’s make peace. Let’s go into the living room and sit down. He did... Dad has placed his personal item / items down in a certain spot. When dad walked to another room, Mom has taken those items and hid them or threw them away. Dad says where did you put my stuff or he’d say did you get my stuff that was here. She’d say I never touched your stuff. I found out through her she had used a spoon or salad tongs etc to move items. She is now playing the fence between me and family/ community. She is the proud mom on how good I’m doing (towards me) TO she’s the victim wife and I’m horrible person who is taking everything away from her and I won’t let her see her husband (to the rest of the world). I have been looking into another facility that will take his insurance and the veterans affairs might help pay for..... The veterans affairs placed him beginning Dec didn’t stay 24 hrs had to send to hospital. Only been back close to two weeks. Any advice, tips, contacts would be greatly appreciated.

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Imho, you could tell your mother that she made the wisest, the best decision possible. Keep reminding her of that and I will be praying for her to let go of any guilt that she may have lingering.

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The house Dr. can get a med that will deal with anxiety or want to do what is not good.

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My dad who has dementia packed his bag to come home from from the center today. How do I help my Mom deal with guilt and grief?

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