All my mother's life my uncle, her brother, has always been controlling of her. Recently he has fallen ill, he keeps my mother on the phone for up to 4 hours and I overheard conversations where he keeps saying mean things and she has to defend herself. He has been begging her to come to stay with him a couple of days just for a visit. She is 85 and in good health, has an active social life with friends and neighbors.
I tried to convince her not to go or only go for a couple of hours, she insisted she stay 1 week. He lives 2 hours away. She told me the entire time he verbally abused her, he has no food, none in the fridge and told her nobody delivers to his house so eat cookies. It was over 90 degress he refused to put on the AC, then he told my mother to get to work on his garden in the hot weather, she almost fainted, I'm sure there are many things she didn't mention to me, because she is severly shooken up and very depressed now. She tells me she should of listened to me and won't go there again, but she is under his control. (he doesn't give her money and has stated he is leaving her Nothing) It's just an abusive relationship... it's been going for years and now getting worse as he is sick. If she decides to go back is there someone I can report this to? If this abuse continues?
Also his childen are not nice people, I have no relationship with them
If you personally hear a threat you could report it.
If your mom becomes ill due to staying with her brother you might then convince her not to go.
YOU could go with her and if there is a situation that you think is not safe you can then tell mom...ok, we have had enough, let's go. And leave.
If he becomes violent while you are there or threatens either one of you while you are there you can report it, call 911. Tell the dispatcher you have been threatened.
IF your uncle is not competent you could help your mom seek Guardianship
Or if he is hospitalized if there is no one to care for him your mom could say that he should not be discharged to his home as it is unsafe.
Your mom can do as she chooses. She doesn't HAVE to talk to OB for 4 hrs and take abuse. SHe can hang up. She can block his phone number! She doesn't have to even acknowledge his existence!
And, rarely do you see sibs leaving inheritances to each other esp if there are kids involved.
He also doesn't owe her money or anything other than familial kindness, which sounds like it's sadly missing.
You have no relationship with his kids? Fine. Encourage her to stop talking to him, completely.
I am curious--HOW does a 95 yo man 'control' someone who is 2 hrs away from her?
You can only encourage her to stand up for herself and that seriously is as easy as blocking his phone number or using caller ID to know when NOT to pick up the phone.
Otherwise, your mother is a grown woman and like Grandma said, if she is competent and not suffering from dementia, she can make her own decisions about how much abuse she's willing to take from her brother.
Good luck!
Maybe getting his azz chewed would stop him from doing it to mom.
They are from a generation that was very male authority figure, so I assume that he is the elder male in her life. Tell her it is okay for her to stop being his doormat. She needs to hear that it is okay for her not to take his abuse. She deserves better and he deserves a swift kick in the teeth for treating her that way.
Give her lots of love and help her feel like she is important after he has obviously torn her down. Sheesh! What a POS he is.
I would call her phone provider and have his and his off springs phone numbers blocked.
Your Mother has probably never learned to stand up to him. It will be hard but essential she does now, even after a lifetime.of this pattern.
You are very concerned for her. I would arrange some councelling, explain it can help to speak to an impartial non-family member about these matters. You could go along too, or not as you both decide. If no face to face options available, may be as tech support for a video call.
Religious elders often have councelling experience too & if your Mom is a person of faith, she may like that option better. That may be more like having a chat to a friend.
My parents have received good (& free) councelling advice from church elders in the past & I have had very good advice from my local Doctor too.
Some times when a third party gives permission to say no or decide for yourself what contact you want - it can make all the difference.
If this Uncle/Brother is needing a lot of help - it is up to him to source it. He can ask your Mother... but she can decline. He has no right at all to demand WHO provides the help. If he has dementia, his Enduring POA (if one) needs to arrange his care. If none, Guardianship is needed. This does not need to be his Next of Kin - in fact sometimes that is not recommended as it destroys any good left in the relationship.
I’m not sure what you would report. Your mom perhaps has memory loss? You aren’t keeping her out of harms way? A 95 yr old has a magnetic pull yet demonic manner?
I know it must drive you crazy but other than come here every few months and vent, I’m not sure what you can do but to accept that your mom is going to keep doing what she’s been doing. One begins to see why his children stay away.
I thought Mom learned to ignore him in ur first post. She needs to ignore his calls. Don't pick up. What is he going to do to her?
If you are interested in doing something to make a difference, you could change mom’s number or block her brother’s number. Still, this would only work if your mom doesn’t turn around and give him her new number or unblock him.
Hopefully, your mom won’t go back for a visit to his home. I wouldn’t bother mentioning any of this to his children since you say that they aren’t nice people. Don’t waste any time or energy on them.
Wishing you and your mom all the best.
Hopefully Mom finally learned after this last time. All you can do is support her in that his demands are wrong. He is not obligated to help him. He may be 93 but she is getting older to. I would not in any way drive her to see him. So he is leaving her nothing. Does he have anything to give? Was she always in the Will. No, you can't report this abuse because she is competent to make up her own mind.
Seems like when she isn't there his family isn't helping him either. I may call APS and tell them he is a vulnerable adult but that they are not to get you or your 85 yr old Mom involved because of his abuse. Give them info on his own children. Tell Mom the County will make sure he is OK so she no longer has to worry.
It never dawned on women back then that they had choices. For the most part they didn’t see themselves as being equal to men.
I remember hearing about my grandfather’s brothers being philanders. Well, one of my great aunt’s had money before she married my great uncle. She inherited a large home and ran a boarding house. So, she was an independent woman who didn’t rely on my great uncle for her survival. He ran around on her and she immediately packed up his belongings and dropped off his suitcases to her mother in law’s house. She told her mother in law that she could have her son back! LOL, very bold in that day.
If you don't understand yet why she is still so much under his sway, it isn't likely you ever will. But you can meet fire with fire. If she insists on going to his house again physically, can you insist that she doesn't go without you? - then you can either keep stalling, or go and give him a piece of your mind.
Actually, there are great choices to forward his number to, the zoo, since he’s acting like an uncivilized creature. Perhaps a mental hospital, since he is unstable.
What about a funeral home to remind him where he is going! I doubt that he is interested in changing his ways before checking out but hey…
The list is endless. The forwarding number would block him and he would be hanging in limbo with nowhere to direct his abuse! Problem solved!
Today she broke her promise and called him and the same pattern is happening all over. I really give up at this point and feel hurt and let down by this. I just feel like walking away. Obviously theres nothing I can do, she lies and calls him.
If I block the #'s she will call him anyway, she broke her promise to me and my family about not calling him
Your mother seems to be one of those women. Very unfortunate. Nothing anyone can do. Your mother is doing what she wants and enjoys.
Reward #1-Your mother loves complaining to you about the abuse, then stop listening to her. Tell her: "I don't want to hear again about how awfully you were treated unless you stop going to your brother and volunteer for more abuse."
Reward #2-Your mother loves to feel like a victim and have others feel sorry for her. You stop telling her what a poor woman she is, and what an assh0le her brother is. She's not a victim. She is in control of her actions.
Reward #3 - She gets to be the center of attention. "I'm being abused here, pay attention to me." Everyone's got their own problems, big or small, but none is more attention grabbing than hers. Gosh, everyone, stop what you're doing and pay attention to this poor soul.
Act nonchalant. Don't give her the attention she's craving. When she starts rehashing the abuse, you walk away.
Remember, your mother is IN CONTROL of her actions. In fact, if you have the nerve, then ask her when she's going back to her brother since she seems to enjoy his company so much.
Maybe, if/when she stops getting the rewards she's looking for, she'll stop getting abused by choice.