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It has become hard for us to take care of her. Can I, as her daughter in law who does EVERYTHING for her, put her in a nursing home. I do not have POA or anything legal stating I am her caregiver. Can even her son do this if he finally comes around?
So, if I understand you correctly, your husband is not 'close' to his mother. So you and your brother purchased a home together where your brother cares for your MIL during the week and you care for her on the weekends. Your DH only comes around if you 'shame him into it'. Plus, she's given POA to nobody. Is that right?
If so, and if this were me, I'd lay it all at my husband's feet. Of course he doesn't 'see a problem' since OTHERS have been in charge of his mother's care for FORTY years now. Now it's HIS turn to figure things out and see what a 'problem' truly looks like. I'd tell him that you and your brother are going to sell the house you purchased together and therefore, his mother will need a new place to live by X date. He will then need to hurry up and figure out how he's going to get his mother deemed incompetent and obtain guardianship for her so he can get her placed in either a Memory Care home or a Skilled Nursing facility, depending on whether she has funds or needs to apply for Medicaid.
Seems to me that DH is going to be a busy little beaver in the upcoming months with all he'll have to deal with after you tell him you and your brother are formally FINISHED caring for HIS mother!
Enough is enough.
As it stands right now, you have NO rights to place her anywhere since she's been wise enough not to give you any legal rights.
Wishing you the best of luck doing what you need to do now.
What does your husband think is happening with his mom? I assume that is who you are referring to when you say her son, your husband.
You can stop propping her up and let him deal with her care, that would open his eyes to her condition.
You can take her to the ER and tell them that you can not safely care for her at home and that she is not your mom and you can't reach her family. They would try to contact her next of kin to take her and then they would involve the proper authorities to get her cared for.
If this is your husband are you guys still together? I ask because I think that would help get you better help knowing more of the dynamics of the situation.
Where is your MIL living, in her own home or in your home? What is involved in your taking care of her? - that is, what does she need to have done for her that she can't manage herself? "Everything" may mean everything, but it doesn't really explain what her needs are.
Most of all, who's who? "Her son doesn't see a problem" - do you mean your husband, or your brother-in-law? If it's your brother-in-law who doesn't understand the problem, where is your husband in all this and what is he doing about it?
You don't have POA or a caregiver's contract: does anyone have POA or any form of legal authority to act for your MIL?
She is not your or your brothers responsibility. You have allowed this to continue, of coarse your husband likes the arrangement as he does nothing. Great for him! As long as you continue to do everything for her, nothing will change.
Tell your husband that you will either be giving her a 30 day notice to move out into AL, or he needs to hire a crew to take care of her.
This is very common here, the wife does everything and the husband sits back and looks important, only you can change this dynamic.
There are several good books on boundaries, you might want to read some of them, it will help you to stand up and be counted. Good Luck.
You can't do anything to move her yourself. No legal grounds to do so. The quick route is take her to an ER or a SCF and drop her off, with your husband's phone number as the responsible party. Not so quick, tell your husband you've called an elder care atty for him to set up an appt about getting guardianship/POA. If her doctor deems MIL incompetent based on her dementia-assuming there's an actual diagnosis--then a legal guardian can determine her fate. Other option is for your brother to be her guardian..which seems reasonable in this case and if he's willing to do it.
Okay...I'm talking about my husband. He was never close to his Mom so I have been her support for 40 years. My brother and I bought a home together and he takes care of my mother in law during the week and I come weekends. My husband will go if I shame him into it. She has refused to give any POA to either myself or her son. With the Alzheimer and Dementia she is not competent to give consent now. As for care, she can bath (with help getting in and out of shower), feed and dress herself (clothes my be on backward or inside/out). Everything else we do. Cook, clean, dr appts., medications, etc. Does this help understand what I'm asking for?
As a DIL, you have the pain of being 'responsible' to a point to care for MIL...but no real say in her care.
My MIL lives alone and has no business doing so. As a DIL, I just see the sadness and inability to live any kind of life with any joy--but her kids just are so terrified of her temper, they give in and let her have her way.
You probably have no legal power to do ANYTHING for/with her. If I took my MIL to the ER, I'd hear about it from the 'kids'.
My DH is her POA, and he lives in fear he will actually have to enact that. She should NOT be left alone, but she wants nobody in her home but her daughter and my hubby. No outside caregivers, nobody.
All we can do is wait for the next fall, which is inevitable. Slowly, she is going to wind up where she does not want to be--a NH of some kind. If she'd make the decision on her own to move to assisted living NOW, she could take her time and make a decision that's good for her. As it stands, she will not have many options when that next fall or UTI happens.
I have found it's EASY for my DH to weigh in on MY mom's living conditions, and totally ignore his OWN mother's. There's no emotional tie to my mom, in fact, I think he hasn't seen her in 2 years. And she lives 5 minutes away!
There is one other thing you could consider doing, and that is to write a letter to MIL. It should say that you are concerned about her, because you think that as she continues to get older many people have a fall that will quite probably break a bone and immobilise her. She will then need nursing care around the clock, you can’t do it, and the family can’t afford to hire a nurse full time. You know it isn’t what she wants, but could she consider assisted living, where she would still be independent but have more support around the clock. To stay safe and independent would be much better than waiting for a fall, when she might be forced into the first available Nursing Home bed with no choice.
This letter needs a lot of thought, and I would take it to a professional to ask for help in writing it. You want it to read well to everyone else involved, and if possible not to annoy MIL too much. If she blows her top at you, you don’t go there on weekends because she is so angry. Your brother needs to stick up for you too. There would probably be a storm in a tea cup, but after that she might even think about it.
Your question is ‘what can you do?’ with no legal standing. Well this is one thing you could consider doing – you don’t need anyone’s permission to write a letter. Obviously it would be better if your DH is happy about it (and he might be, as the anger would be at you, not him). But even without DH on side, it is one answer to your question. It’s an idea to think about. Best wishes, Margaret
It's quite an unusual situation for an elder to be supported by her DIL's brother (related by neither blood nor marriage, strictly speaking) primarily, and by her DIL the rest of the time, and to have a functioning forty year relationship with her DIL but none to speak of with her son. And to add to the unusualness, the home itself is owned jointly by the resident non-blood relation and the lady's DIL.
So... what to do.
How did your brother come to take on this role? How long has he been MIL's co-primary caregiver, if I can put it like that? And what are brother's feelings about where to go from here?
What are MIL's resources, too? I'm thinking in terms of getting legal advice from an elder care specialist, which she pays for because it's for her benefit. Have you had a look at local residential care providers/facilities/memory care units and so on? Any appealing possibilities?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If so, and if this were me, I'd lay it all at my husband's feet. Of course he doesn't 'see a problem' since OTHERS have been in charge of his mother's care for FORTY years now. Now it's HIS turn to figure things out and see what a 'problem' truly looks like. I'd tell him that you and your brother are going to sell the house you purchased together and therefore, his mother will need a new place to live by X date. He will then need to hurry up and figure out how he's going to get his mother deemed incompetent and obtain guardianship for her so he can get her placed in either a Memory Care home or a Skilled Nursing facility, depending on whether she has funds or needs to apply for Medicaid.
Seems to me that DH is going to be a busy little beaver in the upcoming months with all he'll have to deal with after you tell him you and your brother are formally FINISHED caring for HIS mother!
Enough is enough.
As it stands right now, you have NO rights to place her anywhere since she's been wise enough not to give you any legal rights.
Wishing you the best of luck doing what you need to do now.
You can stop propping her up and let him deal with her care, that would open his eyes to her condition.
You can take her to the ER and tell them that you can not safely care for her at home and that she is not your mom and you can't reach her family. They would try to contact her next of kin to take her and then they would involve the proper authorities to get her cared for.
If this is your husband are you guys still together? I ask because I think that would help get you better help knowing more of the dynamics of the situation.
Where is your MIL living, in her own home or in your home?
What is involved in your taking care of her? - that is, what does she need to have done for her that she can't manage herself? "Everything" may mean everything, but it doesn't really explain what her needs are.
Most of all, who's who? "Her son doesn't see a problem" - do you mean your husband, or your brother-in-law? If it's your brother-in-law who doesn't understand the problem, where is your husband in all this and what is he doing about it?
You don't have POA or a caregiver's contract: does anyone have POA or any form of legal authority to act for your MIL?
Tell your husband that you will either be giving her a 30 day notice to move out into AL, or he needs to hire a crew to take care of her.
This is very common here, the wife does everything and the husband sits back and looks important, only you can change this dynamic.
There are several good books on boundaries, you might want to read some of them, it will help you to stand up and be counted. Good Luck.
As for care, she can bath (with help getting in and out of shower), feed and dress herself (clothes my be on backward or inside/out). Everything else we do. Cook, clean, dr appts., medications, etc.
Does this help understand what I'm asking for?
My MIL lives alone and has no business doing so. As a DIL, I just see the sadness and inability to live any kind of life with any joy--but her kids just are so terrified of her temper, they give in and let her have her way.
You probably have no legal power to do ANYTHING for/with her. If I took my MIL to the ER, I'd hear about it from the 'kids'.
My DH is her POA, and he lives in fear he will actually have to enact that. She should NOT be left alone, but she wants nobody in her home but her daughter and my hubby. No outside caregivers, nobody.
All we can do is wait for the next fall, which is inevitable. Slowly, she is going to wind up where she does not want to be--a NH of some kind. If she'd make the decision on her own to move to assisted living NOW, she could take her time and make a decision that's good for her. As it stands, she will not have many options when that next fall or UTI happens.
I have found it's EASY for my DH to weigh in on MY mom's living conditions, and totally ignore his OWN mother's. There's no emotional tie to my mom, in fact, I think he hasn't seen her in 2 years. And she lives 5 minutes away!
This letter needs a lot of thought, and I would take it to a professional to ask for help in writing it. You want it to read well to everyone else involved, and if possible not to annoy MIL too much. If she blows her top at you, you don’t go there on weekends because she is so angry. Your brother needs to stick up for you too. There would probably be a storm in a tea cup, but after that she might even think about it.
Your question is ‘what can you do?’ with no legal standing. Well this is one thing you could consider doing – you don’t need anyone’s permission to write a letter. Obviously it would be better if your DH is happy about it (and he might be, as the anger would be at you, not him). But even without DH on side, it is one answer to your question. It’s an idea to think about. Best wishes, Margaret
So... what to do.
How did your brother come to take on this role? How long has he been MIL's co-primary caregiver, if I can put it like that? And what are brother's feelings about where to go from here?
What are MIL's resources, too? I'm thinking in terms of getting legal advice from an elder care specialist, which she pays for because it's for her benefit. Have you had a look at local residential care providers/facilities/memory care units and so on? Any appealing possibilities?
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