My wife and I have been married for 25 years. We have 2 adult children in college still living at home. 4 years ago my wife's father moved in with us after the passing of his wife. My wife also suffers from a chronic illness that is very debilitating for her. What I am about to go into might make you think that I am a terrible person for feeling the way that I do, but I feel like I have no support network and no one to talk to, coping with my feelings is difficult, and need to get some things off my chest.
The bottom line is that while our lives have dramatically changed over the last 4 years, I feel that my father-in-law living with us was the trigger that started to tear at our marriage, and continues to hasten it's decline.
My wife is 12 years my senior, she is in her early 60's, I just turned 50. She has had a chronic illness that we have dealt with for 20 years, with lots of highs and lows. When she was down, I was Mr. Mom. When she was feeling good, she was active with the kids and school activities, and we did lots of things together as a family as the kids were growing up. But her health has worsened in the last 2 years to the point where she is rarely able to leave the house and has little strength to do anything other than shower, get dressed, and sit on the sofa watching TV. She sleeps at least 12 hours per day, going to bed around 1-2 AM and getting up late in the afternoon.
Physically, we lost our connection about 2 years ago. She had been going through the motions of trying to maintain physical intimacy for about the last 5 years, and I give her a lot of credit for that, but it was evident that it was painful and taxing for her, and not pleasant for me. We talked about it and decided it needed to be given up.
Her illness also brings with it impaired cognitive ability, or a "brain fog" that almost has the same effect of drunkedness. By the end of the day the fog takes over and I cannot have a serious conversation with her about anything really. She often gets mean with me and accuses me of marginalizing her. As an aside, she does drink heavily (I think), consuming 1-2 bottles of wine per night, but says she does it because she hurts, and disputes the volume she drinks. I gave up trying to talk to her about her drinking because she would just get mad at me.
Now to my father-in-law. He is in his 80's, is physically independent and does not require hands-on care. Since he moved in he has become the center of everything - he is just always there and his presence sucks all the air out of the room. He has little self-awareness or respect for other people's need for privacy. I feel like he has taken over our household and I just don't like being around him. Don't get me wrong - I think he is a wonderful person, I just can't stand living with him. I told this to my wife about 3 years ago, and her response to me was that she hopes he dies soon. I know she didn't really mean or want that, and told her that was a horrible thing to say, but at the time I think she was just in some kind of marriage defense mode and wanting to make me happy. Keep in mind her impaired cognition as well.
My father-in-law does not contribute financially to the household, though he is able to. My wife won't hear of it. Even during a time of serious financial peril last year, I asked her if we might consider asking her father to help out with expenses. She was furious, and instead said that we should borrow money from my parents.
I am also an active volunteer and leader in our community. I very much enjoy these activities, as it gives me a sense of fulfillment, and recognition from others for the things that I do that I no longer receive at home. My wife thinks I spend too much time out of the house at work or volunteering, but I feel that I need to do something that I like because I don't like being at home. I know this is one sided, am I wrong for feeling the way that I do? Should my father in law go? Can my my marriage be salvaged?
Three things:
#1) explain to your wife that in order for you to stay in your marriage that your father must move out. Period. (Also don't let those kids linger too long, either).
#2) explain to your wife that for you to stay in the marriage she needs to go to treatment for alcoholism and successfully complete it.
#3) YOU must go to counseling for your co-dependency and enabling.
What is the chronic illness that is debilitating your wife? This info will help you get very good insight from others on this forum with similar situations and experiences. I wish you all the best as you work towards a better marriage and life!
Yes.
Your wife sounds incredibly depressed. Hence the downturn in her health, hence her reliance on alcohol. The alcohol makes the depression and the downturn worse. It is a horrible vicious circle. She doesn't know what to do about it: she's too caught up to see any way out. Do something about it for her.
I should start by looking for alternative housing for him. Obviously this can't be a short-term solution, the timing is terrible; but knowing what the options are, costing them, making plans for consideration are all positive moves.
And - I'm glad you found us! This is a safe place to vent feelings, because I think most of us have felt and thought - not to mention said and done - things we'd rather not have in retrospect. No one is going to be telling you you're wrong.
Yes she is depressed, and has been on medication for depression for some time. I would be depressed too if I felt terrible all the time, couldn't do the things that I used to do, and knew that my spouse was unhappy. The downturn in her health though is because of her condition and its progression as she ages, and that fuels the depression.
I am struggling to imagine how I can tell my wife that he should move out, without causing her, him, and their side of the forever resenting me for it.
I'm feeling like I'm the weak one because I cannot rationally cope with the things life has thrown at us, and I think my wife feels that way too - that I should just suck it up and deal with it.
He does have the means to provide for himself financially, though he's by no means wealthy. When he initially came to live with us, he looked at a couple senior apartments but ultimately decided that for the price and the space it just wasn't worth it, he didn't want to be alone, and he wanted to be able to leave something for his children when he dies. I have even told my wife that I would gladly pay for his housing to get him out of the house but she just says we can't do that to him. I'm feeling like a selfish heel again just typing this.
As long as he can manage on his own help him look for Independent Living or if needed Assisted Living.
Obviously this is a discussion for both you and your wife to have with him.
If your wife consumes as much wine as you state part of her problem might be that she is an alcoholic. This can also contribute to her "brain fog". The amount of alcohol should be discussed with her doctor as well.
As I have said a few other responses to posts...I hate ultimatums but sometimes they are necessary.
This is your home as well as hers.
You have every right to be heard and respected when it comes to your feelings and your opinions.
Discuss with her that you feel as if you are not being respected nor are your opinions being respected.
The two of you might do well with counseling but if she refuses then you should go.
"Can my my marriage be salvaged?" The physical intimacy is gone. Your wife is an alcoholic and takes her father's side against you. What exactly is there to salvage?
What do you want the next 20+ years of *your* life to look like? Start living whatever that life looks like to you. Start living your best life (sorry to get all Oprah on you) because life is too short to be miserable.
I have started to do more of my own thing over the last year or so, and she no longer joins me at community events. I think for the most part that is because of her health, but she makes me feel guilty sometimes. When I have several events close together she says things like, "you're never home any more," or "you're always at some dinner somewhere," or "you're always at the office on the weekend." Am I avoiding being home? To a certain degree yes - I just don't like being there under the circumstances. And there's my dilemma: is this just an avoidance behavior and I'm wrong for the way I feel?
This is the perfect place to vent. Do not feel bad for the NEED to discuss your issues. Especially here where it is safe and anonymous.
Having an extra person living in your house is definitely a strain. My mom lives with us and while she's a lovely person, it is draining!
You do need to take care of yourself and set some boundaries. You need to figure out where your lines in the sand are. Or at least have an honest, yet kind, conversation with your wife about how you are feeling. Your feelings and issues are important and need to be considered.
Of course, it will not be easy to have her dad move out. There are likely to be hard feelings from either him or her or both. But, if your wife can be on your side and you can present a united front, that would be really helpful. I realize that may not be an option.
I agree that you should work with a therapist to help you work through this. It is a bit complicated.
Your wife also seems to have some work to do. Seems like she might be able to take better care of herself and get some of her issues under better control. Without 1 -2 bottles of wine/night. That's a LOT!
If you can not get any traction with your wife, you may need to consider at least a separation to see if any progress can be made. Tell her that you are not happy. Give her a chance to do better. BUT you have to come first.
You are free to leave the house and engage in all kinds of productive, useful activities which, to boot, are considerably more fulfilling and agreeable and sociable than time spent at home. No one can blame you for pursuing them.
Your wife isn't free. Partly because of her health, no doubt, but also, probably, because she feels trapped at home by her responsibilities and her situation. Demotivated, depressed, burdened by her father, and now abandoned by you.
This WILL separate you. The relationship will die. Mine did, with no blame attached to my then SO. He did his best, it became too much for him, he found other places to be and other things to do. I stopped caring whether he was around or not because it made no difference to my daily routine. When we concluded that we wouldn't be going anywhere together even after my mother died, it was a relief, really; and then when that happened and she passed away we went our separate ways.
Least of my worries, if I'm honest about it; but I didn't have a 25 year marriage and two children in common with him. The worst I suffered was disappointment. You are not in the same position, you have things to lose which you would regret losing, and you have children who - nearly adults or not, understanding and sympathetic or not - *would* be damaged if your marriage were to fail.
It is avoidance behaviour, yes; but it's not 'just' anything. Consider what you're avoiding: confrontation, resentment, anger at seeing a constant drain on your wife's limited resources. Better stay out of the house than batter the old guy's head in with a brick (metaphorically speaking, of course). And you don't want to hurt your wife, or put pressure on her.
You have to do the groundwork, and then you may also have to be the Bad Guy. But Get Him Out.
Meanwhile, pick something to give up, and give your wife that time instead. Watch a movie with her. Cook dinner. Talk (not about the home situation) to your FIL, and take his socialisation needs off her hands for an hour. Don't expect sudden changes, just begin.
And I'll just say it, are you really sure she's hopelessly ill with chronic conditions right now that just can't improve, or is it the alcohol? Is she under a doctor's care now and what does he or she say about how she might feel if she weren't drinking so much?
Another thought: NPD?
I apologize to all chronically ill people out there, the vast majority of whom I would estimate aren't behaving like the poster's wife but are doing their best with the hand they are dealt. Just food for thought in case anything resonates with the poster.
I had to look up NPD, and admittedly I probably have a little of that going on myself. We were both very ambitious and successful people, and I still thrive on accomplishments both in our business and the community. For her, she had a hard adjustment period many years ago when she went from being involved in the business to being a stay-at-home mom when our kids were born. It was very hard for her to give up the sense of accomplishment and self-reliance that comes from being a breadwinner, even though she had always said she wanted nothing more than to be a mom. Ultimately she settled in to it, especially when she became involved in the kids' school. Now, I know she is struggling with the mental and emotional toll of not being able to do a lot of physical things or to be a contributor, but it gets taken out on me in passive-aggressive ways like telling me I am not focused on our livelihood if the business gets slow and cash is short, or that I am controlling when I say she overbuys food that ends up getting thrown away.
I certainly have my faults and my actions (or lack of) no doubt contributed to the current state of affairs - whether with or without meaning to.
Some days she has more energy than others and goes out to the store or makes dinner, other days it's just from bed to shower to sofa. When she makes the wine run, or if her father goes (he still drives, that's another issue) it is either I or one of the kids who are asked to unloads the cases out of the back of my wife's SUV or my FIL's trunk.
To help your FIL find new digs: contact your local area's Council (or Agency) on Aging -- they have lots of info on housing. He should go into a senior community if at all possible where he will have a much richer social life with people his own age.
Now that I've said that, I'll say more. Excessive alcohol consumption WORSENS both Lupus and Fibromyalgia, as your wife should well know. Not to mention, drinking to this degree can and does cause alcohol induced dementia and other forms of dementia such as Wernecke-Korsakoff Syndrome. So, your wife's brain fog is likely due to her excessive alcohol consumption; in other words, her own doing. She's an alcoholic.
Your FIL should be paying rent and sharing expenses to live in your home. In what universe does any person live free of charge? And why should they?? Has your wife any idea what it costs to live in Assisted Living, or even Independent Senior Living if he's not in need of help? Well, I think she's going to be in for a rude awakening once you go and collect lots of nice brochures on that very subject, because it's time to boot daddy out of your house now.
Enough is enough.
Lots of people have chronic health conditions, me included. That doesn't give me the right, however, to make my husband's life a torture chamber, or drink myself into oblivion, or to invite my 93 year old mother to live in our house and then spend the whole day either sleeping, lounging on the couch watching tv, or sucking down bottles of wine. Or complaining that he 'spends too much time out of the house at work' earning the MONEY that's required to finance my PARENT living in the house and my expensive alcohol addiction.
Come on! It's time to have a Come To Jesus meeting with your wife and lay down some new rules. Like nobody is going to unload cases of booze from the car anymore, for instance. And that daddy needs to move out. I'm not sure why you're trying to salvage this marriage at this point, but perhaps a therapist could help. But she'd have to be willing to do HER part here, which will mean going to AA meetings to get sober. Is that likely to happen, do you think? Because if your answer is no, then there is nothing left to salvage.
Save what's left of YOUR life, that's my suggestion. Your wife seems to have chosen her path and now you feel forced to stay on that path WITH her. You are not wrong to feel the way you do, not at all. My question is why have you put up with this for so long??
Wishing you the best of luck taking your life back.
I have fibro for 63+ years and I don't take meds or drugs/alcohol and I have always had brain fog as most people do with fibro. I do drink something with caffeine in it to help my concentration. Truly, the alcohol takes the fibro fog to a horrible stupper.
Space constraints didn't permit me to add this part, but I also want to mention that my wife has a daughter from a previous relationship. She was a teenager when we got involved together, and she and I have never been close - not adversarial, I was just never a father figure nor did I expect to be. My wife's relationship with her daughter has always been hot and cold (her daughter's doing, not my wife's) and lately they are very close. Her daughter is actually a clinical psychologist, and my wife used to hate it when she would try to psychoanalyze her like a patient. About a year ago her daughter came to me knowing that we were struggling, and asked me to confide in her and she would give me her professional opinion. I did, and told her that I was unhappy with her grandfather living with us and that the relationship between her mother and I had become more caregiver-like, and that I was very depressed over it. We talked for maybe 10 minutes, and she seemed helpful and encouraging at the time, but since then I have basically been shut out from her life. She has small children, who both my wife and I adore, but they never come over any more. My wife, when she can, also spends an afternoon here and there with them at her house. I think that's great, but at the same time I feel rejected. I have told my wife many times that if she is having a good day where she is able to go out, call me and I'll drop everything and we'll spend time together, any time of day. That has never happened. I almost feel like my wife is just waiting out her days until I can't take it any more and I leave. She is at this point not capable of earning a living on her own and it would take a divorce settlement to ensure her livelihood.
I really regret now opening up to her daughter, which has only made it harder for me to come forward to anyone else and talk about it. Thank you to everyone for listening and providing your feedback.
That probably felt to you like a nice, easy, open offer; no pressure, no time limit. I'm sure that's what you meant it to be, and I'm sure if she were ever to take you up on it you'd follow through.
But it's no good at all, because you've left the ball in her court: it just won't happen.
Do it the other way round. Drop everything, for certain slots in the week which you decide. Then if she's having a good day, great - go out, go and see her grands, (not now, obviously, but soon); and if she's not having a good day then don't go out - stay in and run her a bath.
So: what was the clinical psychologist's professional advice? Ten minutes isn't a lot to go on, but did she voice any opinion at all?
I see your point in the "drop everything," but there are challenges there because the day to day of how my wife feels in unpredictable. There are plenty of times when I might have gone into the office on the weekend, come home around 2p and she's still sleeping, and when she gets up I would say something like "how about the two of us go out to dinner tonight?" That has worked maybe once in the last 2 years. More often the response is that she is just too tired, has a migrane that day, feels icky, or already had plans to make something else that she wanted for dinner.
I'm surprised it worked the once.
Look. You are at a fork in the road. One direction will take you out of your marriage. The other will take you back to it.
Pick one. It is for NOBODY to tell you which you should pick. But be clear in your own mind about what you're doing. Don't head for the hills and keep looking over at the other route. Don't follow the keeping together route and then indulge in quick detours.
There are many factors at play, all of them influential. Your FIL's bereavement, the choice to invite him to your home, your wife's chronic ill health, your own legitimate needs and habits. But none of them is decisive. YOU are responsible for your own decisions, you are not a helpless pawn in the hands of fate.
When I suggest setting time aside for your wife, for example: perhaps one skill you could practise usefully is - being bored and doing nothing.
Your wife is extremely depressed. Until she is in a position to begin her recovery, avoiding having absurd expectations of her.
First of all, let me say that I am truly sorry that you are dealing with this situation. Many of us have had the challenges of our parents living in our homes.
Things change after a parent moves in. They just do, for a variety of reasons. We all have our own circumstances. You also have the additional complications of your wife being ill and a drinking problem. Has your wife had a second opinion on her illnesses to see if there are alternative treatments?
You have reached out for help. I did the same thing awhile back. I didn’t know where to turn either.
I am very grateful to this forum. I also sought help from an objective professional therapist. Therapy helps. In the end though, it was my decision to make, just as it is yours.
Personally, I feel that your wife’s daughter was out of line by asking you to confide in her. She isn’t an outside objective professional. I get that you regret your decision to speak to her.
She put you on the spot, caught you off guard and I suppose that you would have felt awkward to reject her offer. In reality, she was imposing on your privacy as a family member.
Marriage is a series of joy and sorrow, ups and downs, challenges and achievements, right? Are you standing on shaky ground? Do you feel there is anything left in your marriage to work with to rebuild?
Are you interested in seeing a therapist with your wife or alone? Would she participate in counseling?
A few months ago I decided to ask my mom to leave our home. Transitional times are never easy. Afterwards, I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders. My husband and I feel that we made the best choice for us.
I sincerely wish the very best for you and your family. There is no right or wrong answer. It’s about choosing what is best for you. Feel free to vent as needed. We are here for you.
No judgment from me. Take care 💗.
Fibromyalgia has been proven to get less intense with physical activity. So your wife needs to make better choices for herself to get better, she is obviously using her condition to justify her bad behavior. Being sick sucks, but her choices only make it worse and add to the underlying problems.
As the man of the house you should tell your father in law that the free ride has ended and he needs to start contributing or find a new address. This is just ignorant of your wife to believe that your family should support her dad in times of shortage. Sorry but he doesn't sound like much of a man to live off another man. I would talk to him privately and make it very clear that he makes it right and starts paying his way right now or the consequences could be extreme, as in he now takes care of your wife because you are gone. He doesn't get to leave his other children money because he lived off of you, what?
I don't think that you should threaten divorce, but we all know that an alcoholic is a nightmare to deal with and she needs to get sober before anything can truly be fixed in your marriage. You are right to have stood by her through her illness, but drinking is a choice and it is detrimental to everyone around her. Your children are learning that alcohol stupors are a choice and an option for hard times or bad feelings. They are also seeing that you can use anger to keep anyone from questioning your behavior. Not something that anyone needs to see 1st hand every day.
Please seek a counselor that will help you find your footing and then you can be strong and address each issue one at a time. I know that your FIL paying his fair share will help you feel less resentful towards him, right now he is using you and has used up all your good will.
Kudos to you for trying to find a way to salvage your marriage, remember, it is a two way street so it will take both of you, but not her drunken self, her sober self will be the only way to really salvage the relationship.
I think you know what needs to be done you just want someone to confirm it for you. LEAVE. Its too late to set boundries with Dad. Let him and her daughter take care of your wife. You have let ur feelings be known and no one cares. Actually, you are being punished for having them. See a lawyer and find out what your obligations are. I don't think this marriage can be saved. You've tried. Sorry.
You are still young. Eventually you will find someone else. Enjoy the rest of ur life. The situation ur in will only make you more resentful and angry.
After you see a lawyer and know where u stand, tell your wife that you feel invisible. You are not needed. You understand her illness but it doesn't stop her from doing what she wants when she wants. But doesn't seem to be with you. I know couples that have chronic illnesses in their marriages and they can still make each other happy.
Like I said, I think you know what you need to do for yourself. Do it and never look back. It was good when it was good but it no longer is. You have outgrown each other. Good Luck and come back with an update. We love them.
Are you better off without her?
this is both an emotional and financial question.
it does sound like you are at the end of your rope. Since you are the caregiver in all of this, it seems to me that YOUR opinion counts for far more than anyone else.
so, decide how you want all this to change. An incremental change? Such as FIL must pay rent and his own cost of living? Wife must move out to a nursing facility? You are moving out to file divorce? maybe FIL must pay his own way or move out?
lots of choices. First figure out what you want your situation to be...than set the goals to reach that.
1 - Go to Al-anon or Celebrate Recovery group. Your wife may have depression but she also definitely has an addiction to alcohol. The folks in the group are dealing with situations similar to yours. They have a wealth of experience and compassion to be your support network.
2 - Read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. They are 2 Christian counselors that deal in the area of "appropriate boundaries." Boundaries are for you, to help you deal with difficult behaviors of others. I have read their books many times to remind myself of how to deal with the difficult people in my life.
3 - Counselling, Start counselling for yourself to have a wise, compassionate, trained advisor on your team. Talk about what are healthy expectations for each of the members in your household: adult children should contribute in some way, senior parent should contribute in some way, and critically ill wife should contribute in some way... along with Mr. Nice guy (you) who seems to be shouldering the entire burden alone. You may have to get family counselling - with everybody there - to navigate the next steps in your family life. In these counselling sessions you will discover who needs to stay, who needs to go, and what to do about your marriage.