My wife and I have been married for 25 years. We have 2 adult children in college still living at home. 4 years ago my wife's father moved in with us after the passing of his wife. My wife also suffers from a chronic illness that is very debilitating for her. What I am about to go into might make you think that I am a terrible person for feeling the way that I do, but I feel like I have no support network and no one to talk to, coping with my feelings is difficult, and need to get some things off my chest.
The bottom line is that while our lives have dramatically changed over the last 4 years, I feel that my father-in-law living with us was the trigger that started to tear at our marriage, and continues to hasten it's decline.
My wife is 12 years my senior, she is in her early 60's, I just turned 50. She has had a chronic illness that we have dealt with for 20 years, with lots of highs and lows. When she was down, I was Mr. Mom. When she was feeling good, she was active with the kids and school activities, and we did lots of things together as a family as the kids were growing up. But her health has worsened in the last 2 years to the point where she is rarely able to leave the house and has little strength to do anything other than shower, get dressed, and sit on the sofa watching TV. She sleeps at least 12 hours per day, going to bed around 1-2 AM and getting up late in the afternoon.
Physically, we lost our connection about 2 years ago. She had been going through the motions of trying to maintain physical intimacy for about the last 5 years, and I give her a lot of credit for that, but it was evident that it was painful and taxing for her, and not pleasant for me. We talked about it and decided it needed to be given up.
Her illness also brings with it impaired cognitive ability, or a "brain fog" that almost has the same effect of drunkedness. By the end of the day the fog takes over and I cannot have a serious conversation with her about anything really. She often gets mean with me and accuses me of marginalizing her. As an aside, she does drink heavily (I think), consuming 1-2 bottles of wine per night, but says she does it because she hurts, and disputes the volume she drinks. I gave up trying to talk to her about her drinking because she would just get mad at me.
Now to my father-in-law. He is in his 80's, is physically independent and does not require hands-on care. Since he moved in he has become the center of everything - he is just always there and his presence sucks all the air out of the room. He has little self-awareness or respect for other people's need for privacy. I feel like he has taken over our household and I just don't like being around him. Don't get me wrong - I think he is a wonderful person, I just can't stand living with him. I told this to my wife about 3 years ago, and her response to me was that she hopes he dies soon. I know she didn't really mean or want that, and told her that was a horrible thing to say, but at the time I think she was just in some kind of marriage defense mode and wanting to make me happy. Keep in mind her impaired cognition as well.
My father-in-law does not contribute financially to the household, though he is able to. My wife won't hear of it. Even during a time of serious financial peril last year, I asked her if we might consider asking her father to help out with expenses. She was furious, and instead said that we should borrow money from my parents.
I am also an active volunteer and leader in our community. I very much enjoy these activities, as it gives me a sense of fulfillment, and recognition from others for the things that I do that I no longer receive at home. My wife thinks I spend too much time out of the house at work or volunteering, but I feel that I need to do something that I like because I don't like being at home. I know this is one sided, am I wrong for feeling the way that I do? Should my father in law go? Can my my marriage be salvaged?
To help your FIL find new digs: contact your local area's Council (or Agency) on Aging -- they have lots of info on housing. He should go into a senior community if at all possible where he will have a much richer social life with people his own age.
Some days she has more energy than others and goes out to the store or makes dinner, other days it's just from bed to shower to sofa. When she makes the wine run, or if her father goes (he still drives, that's another issue) it is either I or one of the kids who are asked to unloads the cases out of the back of my wife's SUV or my FIL's trunk.
And I'll just say it, are you really sure she's hopelessly ill with chronic conditions right now that just can't improve, or is it the alcohol? Is she under a doctor's care now and what does he or she say about how she might feel if she weren't drinking so much?
Another thought: NPD?
I apologize to all chronically ill people out there, the vast majority of whom I would estimate aren't behaving like the poster's wife but are doing their best with the hand they are dealt. Just food for thought in case anything resonates with the poster.
I had to look up NPD, and admittedly I probably have a little of that going on myself. We were both very ambitious and successful people, and I still thrive on accomplishments both in our business and the community. For her, she had a hard adjustment period many years ago when she went from being involved in the business to being a stay-at-home mom when our kids were born. It was very hard for her to give up the sense of accomplishment and self-reliance that comes from being a breadwinner, even though she had always said she wanted nothing more than to be a mom. Ultimately she settled in to it, especially when she became involved in the kids' school. Now, I know she is struggling with the mental and emotional toll of not being able to do a lot of physical things or to be a contributor, but it gets taken out on me in passive-aggressive ways like telling me I am not focused on our livelihood if the business gets slow and cash is short, or that I am controlling when I say she overbuys food that ends up getting thrown away.
I certainly have my faults and my actions (or lack of) no doubt contributed to the current state of affairs - whether with or without meaning to.
You are free to leave the house and engage in all kinds of productive, useful activities which, to boot, are considerably more fulfilling and agreeable and sociable than time spent at home. No one can blame you for pursuing them.
Your wife isn't free. Partly because of her health, no doubt, but also, probably, because she feels trapped at home by her responsibilities and her situation. Demotivated, depressed, burdened by her father, and now abandoned by you.
This WILL separate you. The relationship will die. Mine did, with no blame attached to my then SO. He did his best, it became too much for him, he found other places to be and other things to do. I stopped caring whether he was around or not because it made no difference to my daily routine. When we concluded that we wouldn't be going anywhere together even after my mother died, it was a relief, really; and then when that happened and she passed away we went our separate ways.
Least of my worries, if I'm honest about it; but I didn't have a 25 year marriage and two children in common with him. The worst I suffered was disappointment. You are not in the same position, you have things to lose which you would regret losing, and you have children who - nearly adults or not, understanding and sympathetic or not - *would* be damaged if your marriage were to fail.
It is avoidance behaviour, yes; but it's not 'just' anything. Consider what you're avoiding: confrontation, resentment, anger at seeing a constant drain on your wife's limited resources. Better stay out of the house than batter the old guy's head in with a brick (metaphorically speaking, of course). And you don't want to hurt your wife, or put pressure on her.
You have to do the groundwork, and then you may also have to be the Bad Guy. But Get Him Out.
Meanwhile, pick something to give up, and give your wife that time instead. Watch a movie with her. Cook dinner. Talk (not about the home situation) to your FIL, and take his socialisation needs off her hands for an hour. Don't expect sudden changes, just begin.
This is the perfect place to vent. Do not feel bad for the NEED to discuss your issues. Especially here where it is safe and anonymous.
Having an extra person living in your house is definitely a strain. My mom lives with us and while she's a lovely person, it is draining!
You do need to take care of yourself and set some boundaries. You need to figure out where your lines in the sand are. Or at least have an honest, yet kind, conversation with your wife about how you are feeling. Your feelings and issues are important and need to be considered.
Of course, it will not be easy to have her dad move out. There are likely to be hard feelings from either him or her or both. But, if your wife can be on your side and you can present a united front, that would be really helpful. I realize that may not be an option.
I agree that you should work with a therapist to help you work through this. It is a bit complicated.
Your wife also seems to have some work to do. Seems like she might be able to take better care of herself and get some of her issues under better control. Without 1 -2 bottles of wine/night. That's a LOT!
If you can not get any traction with your wife, you may need to consider at least a separation to see if any progress can be made. Tell her that you are not happy. Give her a chance to do better. BUT you have to come first.
"Can my my marriage be salvaged?" The physical intimacy is gone. Your wife is an alcoholic and takes her father's side against you. What exactly is there to salvage?
What do you want the next 20+ years of *your* life to look like? Start living whatever that life looks like to you. Start living your best life (sorry to get all Oprah on you) because life is too short to be miserable.
I have started to do more of my own thing over the last year or so, and she no longer joins me at community events. I think for the most part that is because of her health, but she makes me feel guilty sometimes. When I have several events close together she says things like, "you're never home any more," or "you're always at some dinner somewhere," or "you're always at the office on the weekend." Am I avoiding being home? To a certain degree yes - I just don't like being there under the circumstances. And there's my dilemma: is this just an avoidance behavior and I'm wrong for the way I feel?
As long as he can manage on his own help him look for Independent Living or if needed Assisted Living.
Obviously this is a discussion for both you and your wife to have with him.
If your wife consumes as much wine as you state part of her problem might be that she is an alcoholic. This can also contribute to her "brain fog". The amount of alcohol should be discussed with her doctor as well.
As I have said a few other responses to posts...I hate ultimatums but sometimes they are necessary.
This is your home as well as hers.
You have every right to be heard and respected when it comes to your feelings and your opinions.
Discuss with her that you feel as if you are not being respected nor are your opinions being respected.
The two of you might do well with counseling but if she refuses then you should go.
He does have the means to provide for himself financially, though he's by no means wealthy. When he initially came to live with us, he looked at a couple senior apartments but ultimately decided that for the price and the space it just wasn't worth it, he didn't want to be alone, and he wanted to be able to leave something for his children when he dies. I have even told my wife that I would gladly pay for his housing to get him out of the house but she just says we can't do that to him. I'm feeling like a selfish heel again just typing this.
Yes.
Your wife sounds incredibly depressed. Hence the downturn in her health, hence her reliance on alcohol. The alcohol makes the depression and the downturn worse. It is a horrible vicious circle. She doesn't know what to do about it: she's too caught up to see any way out. Do something about it for her.
I should start by looking for alternative housing for him. Obviously this can't be a short-term solution, the timing is terrible; but knowing what the options are, costing them, making plans for consideration are all positive moves.
And - I'm glad you found us! This is a safe place to vent feelings, because I think most of us have felt and thought - not to mention said and done - things we'd rather not have in retrospect. No one is going to be telling you you're wrong.
Yes she is depressed, and has been on medication for depression for some time. I would be depressed too if I felt terrible all the time, couldn't do the things that I used to do, and knew that my spouse was unhappy. The downturn in her health though is because of her condition and its progression as she ages, and that fuels the depression.
I am struggling to imagine how I can tell my wife that he should move out, without causing her, him, and their side of the forever resenting me for it.
I'm feeling like I'm the weak one because I cannot rationally cope with the things life has thrown at us, and I think my wife feels that way too - that I should just suck it up and deal with it.
Three things:
#1) explain to your wife that in order for you to stay in your marriage that your father must move out. Period. (Also don't let those kids linger too long, either).
#2) explain to your wife that for you to stay in the marriage she needs to go to treatment for alcoholism and successfully complete it.
#3) YOU must go to counseling for your co-dependency and enabling.
What is the chronic illness that is debilitating your wife? This info will help you get very good insight from others on this forum with similar situations and experiences. I wish you all the best as you work towards a better marriage and life!