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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
My mom and step-dad were the same. She needs care and he was willing to do it. It his own issues were making it more and more difficult. Then she got admitted to the hospital and once they seen him when I brought him to visit they were insisting that she not go home. We had been trying to convince them that AL was in their best interest, but when told that next time either of them ended up in the hospital they would end up being separated because one or both was going to need more care. They did agreed to assisted living so they could be together. They’ve been there 4 months and doing fine.
What care does your mother need? AL often doesn’t provide all that much personal care. Is mother likely to be eligible for Medicaid? Or can you explain that a stint in paid AL can often be morphed into Medicaid? And that assets can be split? Is the problem your stepfather, your mother, or both?
Is he neglecting her needs because he is overwhelmed? Or that he may be in cognitive decline himself?
Is anyone the DPoA for your Mom? If it is one of her children, this person needs to read the document to see what type of PoA they have and what they need to do in order to activate the authority.
If your Mom never assigned a PoA, then either call APS or do a "rescue", where you distract Stepfather and remove Mom from the home to protect her until a more permanent solution can be found.
If your Stepfather has any kids from a prior marriage, they should be notified of what's going on... maybe someone has PoA for him?
How bad is the neglect? If she's not eating or drinking, then this is very urgent.
Call the agency for aging or similar office in your area. Ask what constitutes neglect in their eyes. It may be different than your perception. If necessary, I understand they will visit to look over the situation. I am assuming your father does not wish to have you take over; you might see what does concern him. Are you assuming how much money is there? Is he concerned about your attitude or plans for them? Do they need help figuring the future out? Is there any possibility that he is also somewhat disabled cognitively? What is your Mom's mood like, what complaints or comments can she make about how she is doing or what she needs. People on this forum can give you signs of these problems and possible solutions. A local elder care attorney might help with a plan of action for present or in the future when certain indications appear. A pleasant home aide can change people's attitude pretty easily. My husband went from keeping his distance from one in the house and depending on me, to being very good with aides. We had some marital discussions, but I think experiencing the people who came really changed his attitude. So clearly screen them for pleasantness first of all. Even someone who is a housekeeper can be very nice and help out in these situations, with the right personality. She can be explained as a natural response to Mom's failing strength. such a person is also in a good position to determine when things are falling apart in the household. As an elderly person myself, I sense you "young uns" may not understand our fear of losing control of our life and decision making. Placing ourselves in the control of strangers. We need to be sure we can trust people and situations, and that takes time and experience with the changes and the people who are helping. And, of course, change ain't easy as you age.
Your mother may be eligible for some in-home care through Medicare/Medicaid. Can you discuss this with a local social worker to find out what her options are? Much will depend on their finances. If they have in-home care, they need to lock up their valuables and personal papers. Her two basic options are in-home care and moving to memory care/skilled nursing. Your father needs to have a plan for a time when her care gets to be too much for him to do alone. These are difficult discussions, and if he is not cooperating, it makes things more difficult. What you can do is limited, as you are not her primary caregiver. All the best to you and your family.
Call Adult Protective Services for an evaluation of her; don't wait for harm or neglect to take her life. He may not be capable of caring for her, he may be starting down the dementia path too.
riamay7: Perhaps you need to enlist your COA (Council on Aging's) social worker to see if your stepfather is actually CAPABLE/has the capacity physically and mentally to care for your mother. Without knowing the extent of his neglect, that is what I suggest.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Does StepFather 'get' the situation? Is he adapting to changes in Mom's behaviour & function?
There can be worlds of difference between viewpoints too..
Eg Many older people do not bathe or change clothing anywhere near as often as the younger gens.
Personally, I feel my LO could benefit from more regular showering - but my LO chooses not to.
Showering has become an exhausting & time taking ordeal. Plus cold, + embarrassment over needing assistance, + discomfort, maybe even pain.
So daily showers are out. Compromise is in.
Freedom in choice vs safety issues are definately hard.
Being a good advocate vs being accused of interfering or being a backseat driver is also hard!
Is anyone the DPoA for your Mom? If it is one of her children, this person needs to read the document to see what type of PoA they have and what they need to do in order to activate the authority.
If your Mom never assigned a PoA, then either call APS or do a "rescue", where you distract Stepfather and remove Mom from the home to protect her until a more permanent solution can be found.
If your Stepfather has any kids from a prior marriage, they should be notified of what's going on... maybe someone has PoA for him?
How bad is the neglect? If she's not eating or drinking, then this is very urgent.
Don't guess and don't wait, life is fragile.