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My DH had a weird relationship with his mother that I did not 'see' until we had been married for a few years. He kept us apart all the time we were dating, and for good cause--had I known what a harridan she was, I would not have married him. Of that I am 100% certain.
She never lived with us, but she kept her claws in him until the day she died. She was the #1 woman in his life, not out of love, but duty, guilt and for the sake of peace.
No house is lovely enough for this dynamic. If you choose to move in, you will always be 2nd. Always.
She could easily live 20 more years. Think about that.
Run as if you are fleeing Godzilla. This man is emotionally married to his Mom. If he needs a maid/caregiver, he can pay for it. People need jobs, he already has his emotional support wife, Mama would resent a maid less than a wife, and you and your dear daughter will escape a miserable situation. Everyone wins.
Check out the tv show, I Love A Mamas Boy sometime. Omg. These men-children have ridiculously inappropriate relationships with their mothers and LOVE every minute of it. Nobody gets between the two of them, not a wife, a girlfriend, nobody. One "couple" even dresses alike. It's appalling. I can't watch the show in a regular basis bc it's too irritating, but it's also eye opening about the level of enmeshment some men have with their mothers.
If you're being "rude" by stating your feelings, then your fiance doesn't want a wife, just someone to play 2nd fiddle to his first love: mama. You'll always come last in his life.
You can love someone but that does not mean you marry him. Your fiance has baggage. Baggage you don't think you now can live with. Thats OK. Mom is part of the marriage agreement. A part you can't live with. So its sorry, I can't live with you.
I saw your update for us. Thanks for being so participatory in the Forum and for responding to our suggestions. Yes, I kind of agree with your Fiancé. I don't think you are being "rude" per se. But I DO think you are being entirely unreasonable.
When you met this man it was clear that he chose to live with his mother. He has lived with his mother, by his choice, for EIGHT YEARS. It is clearly his intent to take care of his mother in his home as long as he is able. He has made his choice clear.
I think that you have utterly no business dictating to the man how he should live his life. I would not live with my mother for life; I would never consider it. But he DID and he DOES. It isn't for you to march in and change around his life. You knew who he was when you accepted his ring.
How in the world does it happen that you have a BF who lives with his mom for 8 years and he asks you to marry him and you don't say "I really don't wish to live in the same home with a MIL. Two women ruling the house doesn't work. So if you intend on living with your mom for the duration I will have to decline"?
Clear as crystal. Your boyfriend has made no bones about who he is and how he wishes to live (that's with his mom). Ball is in your court, and if you marry a guy and you PRETEND to be OK with a situation you know that you are NOT OK with and think you can change him? Then shame on you. That isn't just RUDE, that is WRONG. And you will bring havoc into a peaceful and beautiful home. Not much of a recipe for successful marriage I am thinking.
U are right … I’m not sure why I let it goes this far ,,I love him but I know living with his momma will make me miserable I should have been clear from start ..mama lives with him ..I guess hoping she would live at his brothers but it’s clearly unfair for me to ask that ,, thank you and I know this
Just saw your update. This woman has lived with her son 8 years. She is the queen bee and you will not be able to make this house your home. I had problems just because my husband allowed his Mom to decorate his new home. She did not like when I made changes. To the point we came home one day to find all my burnt orange colored candles traded out for white. I am sure, privately, she was told about it by DH. You can carry a relationship on with this man if you want but please do not move in with him. Do not marry him. He is telling you Mom comes first. You don't really want to start a marriage off with one of you having baggage. Mom is baggage. I remarried and brought a child into the marriage. On the whole it worked out. My daughter loves her Dad, he adopted her, but as a young couple we missed so much. It would have been nice if we had that courtship faze. Then the marriage just us two for a while. Picking a new home together and then having kids. You are not going to have that time to yourselves. Mom is always going to be there. You won't do anything without Mom coming along too.
You may like your boyfriend's mother very much. You may even love her, but if you live together that will soon change.
My father used to say that women were like bees and there can only be one queen in a hive. When there's two they will fight to the death. One queen in a hive. One woman in a house.
No living with your boyfriend's mother. Talk him into moving her to an independent senior community while she's still able to look after herself. Then when she can't homecare comes in, or AL, or LTC. This way you don't end up being her caregiver.
Also, here's another bit of useful advice. Don't live with your boyfriend too long. Get married. This is how you really start a life with someone and it will give you certain legal rights. When you're just living together in a boyfriend's house he can kick you out in a second. It's not that easy to when you're legally married. Look out for yourself and your best interests, sister.
So my finace and I have talked about moving into new house with his mom (who has lived with him for 8 years ) the house is sure beautiful and would love to start off new life with him only ,, I have tried other suggestions like maybe his mom can live with the brother since he is now on his own ,, not sure what it is but there is just no way she’s going anywhere except to start new chapter with us ,, she is 74 and in my eyes is capable of being in little apt and him checking on her or staying at the brothers house ,, he says I’m being rude ,, am I being rude or is it just off to start new life in new house with his momma ? Just needs some opinions ..
You’re not being rude at all and it’s manipulative of him to say that. You’re rightly concerned about your place in this. He’s clearly showing you his priority and it isn’t you, please believe him. One day mom’s caregiving needs will appear and only increase, you’ll very likely be expected to provide all manner of care for her, after all if you don’t, you’ll again be branded “selfish” These alarms are going off in your mind for good reason….
I think you already know the answer. Just questioning you must have a gut feeling something is not right. This will not work. Two adult women, and one being incharge this long, will not get along. And, as said, you will be expected to care for her espcially if thisbisca cultural thing. Me...I would not do it. Continue to date, but do not move in together.
There is absolutely no happy ending for you in that situation. He’s been very clear that his priority is his mother, not you. Why would you ever consider marriage to this man? In my opinion, you need to end the relationship and eventually find a true partner. You’ll never have that with a man who puts his mother above all else.
I don't take well to being told what to do by a fiance or pretty much anyone else. Being told, "momma is not going anywhere except with us" would've gotten my hackles up big time. Let me guess, you'll also "be told" it's your job to take care of momma when shes sick, needing Depends changes, throwing fits, taking over the house and the kitchen, while you sit by dutifully keeping your mouth shut????
Your fiance needs a caregiver/housekeeper more so than a bride-to-be who's quiet and non confrontational methinks. What do YOU think, more importantly?
My dimwitted half sister took up with a man who came as a package deal with his 88 year old mother. Which my sister felt was fine bc she came as a package deal along with her 37 year old do-nothing daughter and 7 year old granddaughter. I warned her against moving into his house and becoming the carer for his mother, but she is as stubborn as a mule. To make a long story short, the man became the husband who then demanded my niece either get a full time job to pay him rent or take care of his mother, or get out. My niece gave him the finger, took her daughter and moved into a shelter in NYC. My sister is facing becoming the caregiver for DHs mother, naturally.
When you face a "strings attached" relationship, you need to be very wary of it, imo. Read this forum for awhile to get an idea of what it looks like to live with a MIL. Me, I'd tell this fiance thanks but no thanks.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult decision.
I don’t know if you have been married before but that right there should be the deal breaker. If there is no consideration or compromise with this there likely will be no consideration or compromise for anything. I’m sorry. Please set a good example for your daughter. You don’t want her to be a doormat do you?
Well, you have some decisions to make, then, don't you?
Your Fiancé bought a home. I am assuming he wants you to move in rent free? Sounds like a deal to me. I wouldn't marry for Dr. Laura's suggested 2 years however. In that time you will know if this is working well for all involved, and if not you will have the option to simply move on, right? I might also consider marriage counseling. Given you are crazy about his mom, and this sounds wonderful, what would happen should mom, in another decade, require care, have dementia, other problems. Not saying that one of the two of YOU couldn't totally crump in that time, but what would the PLAN be if she does? It's good to consider, discuss, and work out plans, despite the admonition that when man plans, God laughs.
“momma is not going anywhere except with us” He’s clearly shown you his priorities, mom living with him has already, and will always, be his first choice. Over time her needs will increase, happens to everyone as they age. You’ll likely be put in the position of her caregiver as females most often are, don’t downplay the likelihood of that. Your gut is telling you to be concerned about this set up for good reason. I hope you’ll move on from him and let he and mommy love the way they choose minus you
Listen to your intuition. You say you are "having alot of aniexty about this move cuz I do enjoy my privacy and feel with her in the house I will lose my privacy".
You will lose your privacy and a lot more. This will never be your home; it will always be their home.
Do you really want to be in a relationship where you are the third wheel?
That should be a HUGE red flag, that your fiancé wants to start out your life together with not only you but his mother. And the fact that he's lived with his mother for the past 8 years is another HUGE red flag. I would seriously be getting second thoughts about all of this if it were me. Why in the world would you want to marry a mama's boy? Surely there are some "true" men still left in the world right? Your fiancé is telling you from the get go who his number one priority is....his mother, so why would you ever want to settle for second best? Do you not think highly enough of yourself that you're willing to settle? I pray not. Your children deserve to see a better example set before them as to what a healthy relationship looks like, as the one you're in now is far from healthy.
i also wanted to say my daughter does not wanna live with us and my bfs momma ,, but unfortunately she just got back on her feet ,, she lost her dad unexpectedly and took a few months off ,, but momma is not going anywhere except with us he says ,,
Thinking some more, M is 74 and she is used to being the boss of her own home. You are probably in your 40s, and you are used to being the boss of your own home. That’s not a good start.
What are M’s plans for the next 20 years? Is the house part of her deal with BF that ‘you’ll never put me in a home’? If so, the unspoken part of that deal is that you will be her caregiver as she ages.
It’s not just about the day to day living now, though that’s difficult enough. It’s also about the long term expectations.
Your adult daughter, his mom, and you two trying to start a marriage in the same house means something will surely give.
When you two get intimate at his place, does he tell his mom to get lost for the night? Or does he just come over? Because I wouldn’t be all honeymoon with his mom right there. He probably feels the same about your adult child.
It’s a bit tricky because you are living with a 22 year old son or daughter, who from what you tell us also isn’t planning on going anywhere. “How this will all work out” is easy – almost certainly badly!
If your BF has just bought the new house, and expects you and adult child to move in, the whole deal should have been talked through before the purchase. If BF has been living with you and sharing rent, him moving out may leave you with much higher living expenses on your own, even no option except to move in with BF and M. No idea where it leaves adult child. The fact that it doesn't seem to have been agreed in advance, is a serious indicator that BF is NOT a good bet as a partner, marriage or otherwise.
Perhaps BF DID think it was agreed in advance, and you have now got cold feet. That's a pity, but you are probably right to have cold feet. Check the house title - M may have put up some of the money and M may be a part owner (hence 'she's not going anywhere'), which may be one more way where you will be the one with no rights.
If you are desperate for somewhere to live, perhaps move in and use it as a short term pad while you and your son or daughter find somewhere better. If you are happy with where you live, stay put if you can.
He owns his house and sold it to by another house he thought more suitable for us ,,,it’s his house tho,, but as time gets closer for move I am having second thoughts ,, my daughter isn’t financially stable to pay rent and car etc ,, I have a apt but she wouldn’t be be able to afford on her own with bills ,,,we have 2 weeks to move in to house I asked if momma can live with brother he said absolutely not “shes coming “that was it !! End of convo
"...he is use to living with his mom and says she’s not going anywhere..."
I'm glad he has shown you his priorities before you committed to the relationship legally. Take him at his word. I would not marry (or even waste time dating) someone who didn't put his SO first. It won't get better over time. I would ditch him and his mommy.
his mom has been living with him for 8 years ,, I’m having alot of aniexty about this move cuz I do enjoy my privacy and feel with her in the house I will lose my privacy ,, he is use to living with his mom and says she’s not going anywhere,, I also have a 22 year old that lives with me so really stressing on how this will all work out
You are right to feel anxious. There is no way that this will work out. The dynamics are impossible. A fiancé that owns the house. The mom who has been living with him for years and probably would not give up being the queen bee. The 22-year-old who is totally out of place (why isn’t this person living independently and forging their own adult life?). And you - who will be resented by mom, unliked by the kid, and taken for granted by a husband who is setting you up to be a care slave to him and his mommy.
Run away! There are a lot of guys who don’t have this kind of baggage. You could find one.
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‘Cause that’s what you’ll be doing before you know it.
Mama’s boy won’t let Mom go into a nursing home.
He’ll have to work or leave the house, ‘cause no one stays home all day, every day.
So, there you will be, in charge of getting out those wet wipes and going to town cleaning her bottom.
How does that picture grab you?
My DH had a weird relationship with his mother that I did not 'see' until we had been married for a few years. He kept us apart all the time we were dating, and for good cause--had I known what a harridan she was, I would not have married him. Of that I am 100% certain.
She never lived with us, but she kept her claws in him until the day she died. She was the #1 woman in his life, not out of love, but duty, guilt and for the sake of peace.
No house is lovely enough for this dynamic. If you choose to move in, you will always be 2nd. Always.
She could easily live 20 more years. Think about that.
If you're being "rude" by stating your feelings, then your fiance doesn't want a wife, just someone to play 2nd fiddle to his first love: mama. You'll always come last in his life.
Forum and for responding to our suggestions.
Yes, I kind of agree with your Fiancé. I don't think you are being "rude" per se.
But I DO think you are being entirely unreasonable.
When you met this man it was clear that he chose to live with his mother.
He has lived with his mother, by his choice, for EIGHT YEARS.
It is clearly his intent to take care of his mother in his home as long as he is able.
He has made his choice clear.
I think that you have utterly no business dictating to the man how he should live his life.
I would not live with my mother for life; I would never consider it. But he DID and he DOES. It isn't for you to march in and change around his life. You knew who he was when you accepted his ring.
How in the world does it happen that you have a BF who lives with his mom for 8 years and he asks you to marry him and you don't say "I really don't wish to live in the same home with a MIL. Two women ruling the house doesn't work. So if you intend on living with your mom for the duration I will have to decline"?
Clear as crystal.
Your boyfriend has made no bones about who he is and how he wishes to live (that's with his mom).
Ball is in your court, and if you marry a guy and you PRETEND to be OK with a situation you know that you are NOT OK with and think you can change him? Then shame on you. That isn't just RUDE, that is WRONG. And you will bring havoc into a peaceful and beautiful home. Not much of a recipe for successful marriage I am thinking.
You can carry a relationship on with this man if you want but please do not move in with him. Do not marry him. He is telling you Mom comes first. You don't really want to start a marriage off with one of you having baggage. Mom is baggage. I remarried and brought a child into the marriage. On the whole it worked out. My daughter loves her Dad, he adopted her, but as a young couple we missed so much. It would have been nice if we had that courtship faze. Then the marriage just us two for a while. Picking a new home together and then having kids. You are not going to have that time to yourselves. Mom is always going to be there. You won't do anything without Mom coming along too.
You may like your boyfriend's mother very much. You may even love her, but if you live together that will soon change.
My father used to say that women were like bees and there can only be one queen in a hive. When there's two they will fight to the death. One queen in a hive. One woman in a house.
No living with your boyfriend's mother. Talk him into moving her to an independent senior community while she's still able to look after herself. Then when she can't homecare comes in, or AL, or LTC. This way you don't end up being her caregiver.
Also, here's another bit of useful advice. Don't live with your boyfriend too long. Get married. This is how you really start a life with someone and it will give you certain legal rights. When you're just living together in a boyfriend's house he can kick you out in a second. It's not that easy to when you're legally married. Look out for yourself and your best interests, sister.
"no"
Your welcome.
One kore thing, if you do move in, do not quit your job. Leave yourself an opening to be able to walk away. Store what you don't take with you.
Your fiance needs a caregiver/housekeeper more so than a bride-to-be who's quiet and non confrontational methinks. What do YOU think, more importantly?
My dimwitted half sister took up with a man who came as a package deal with his 88 year old mother. Which my sister felt was fine bc she came as a package deal along with her 37 year old do-nothing daughter and 7 year old granddaughter. I warned her against moving into his house and becoming the carer for his mother, but she is as stubborn as a mule. To make a long story short, the man became the husband who then demanded my niece either get a full time job to pay him rent or take care of his mother, or get out. My niece gave him the finger, took her daughter and moved into a shelter in NYC. My sister is facing becoming the caregiver for DHs mother, naturally.
When you face a "strings attached" relationship, you need to be very wary of it, imo. Read this forum for awhile to get an idea of what it looks like to live with a MIL. Me, I'd tell this fiance thanks but no thanks.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult decision.
Not only no, but hell no
Yep.
I don’t know if you have been married before but that right there should be the deal breaker. If there is no consideration or compromise with this there likely will be no consideration or compromise for anything. I’m sorry. Please set a good example for your daughter. You don’t want her to be a doormat do you?
Your Fiancé bought a home. I am assuming he wants you to move in rent free? Sounds like a deal to me.
I wouldn't marry for Dr. Laura's suggested 2 years however. In that time you will know if this is working well for all involved, and if not you will have the option to simply move on, right?
I might also consider marriage counseling. Given you are crazy about his mom, and this sounds wonderful, what would happen should mom, in another decade, require care, have dementia, other problems. Not saying that one of the two of YOU couldn't totally crump in that time, but what would the PLAN be if she does? It's good to consider, discuss, and work out plans, despite the admonition that when man plans, God laughs.
You will lose your privacy and a lot more. This will never be your home; it will always be their home.
Do you really want to be in a relationship where you are the third wheel?
I would seriously be getting second thoughts about all of this if it were me.
Why in the world would you want to marry a mama's boy? Surely there are some "true" men still left in the world right?
Your fiancé is telling you from the get go who his number one priority is....his mother, so why would you ever want to settle for second best? Do you not think highly enough of yourself that you're willing to settle? I pray not. Your children deserve to see a better example set before them as to what a healthy relationship looks like, as the one you're in now is far from healthy.
What are M’s plans for the next 20 years? Is the house part of her deal with BF that ‘you’ll never put me in a home’? If so, the unspoken part of that deal is that you will be her caregiver as she ages.
It’s not just about the day to day living now, though that’s difficult enough. It’s also about the long term expectations.
When you two get intimate at his place, does he tell his mom to get lost for the night? Or does he just come over? Because I wouldn’t be all honeymoon with his mom right there. He probably feels the same about your adult child.
If your BF has just bought the new house, and expects you and adult child to move in, the whole deal should have been talked through before the purchase. If BF has been living with you and sharing rent, him moving out may leave you with much higher living expenses on your own, even no option except to move in with BF and M. No idea where it leaves adult child. The fact that it doesn't seem to have been agreed in advance, is a serious indicator that BF is NOT a good bet as a partner, marriage or otherwise.
Perhaps BF DID think it was agreed in advance, and you have now got cold feet. That's a pity, but you are probably right to have cold feet. Check the house title - M may have put up some of the money and M may be a part owner (hence 'she's not going anywhere'), which may be one more way where you will be the one with no rights.
If you are desperate for somewhere to live, perhaps move in and use it as a short term pad while you and your son or daughter find somewhere better. If you are happy with where you live, stay put if you can.
I'm glad he has shown you his priorities before you committed to the relationship legally. Take him at his word. I would not marry (or even waste time dating) someone who didn't put his SO first. It won't get better over time. I would ditch him and his mommy.
Run away! There are a lot of guys who don’t have this kind of baggage. You could find one.