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I can't seem to get myself together.

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Very tough and my heart goes out to you. Will you be spending holiday with other friends or family? If you are staying away because of your blue feelings, don't. Go anyway and enjoy the distraction.

Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen, or visiting your nearest senior living facility and visiting with seniors without family.

Plan the day by going on a hike, taking a walk at a park, a good book. Go to the movies. Vow to fill up the day with activity, to get outside of yourself. It doesn't mean your dishonoring your loved one. Consider it a reward for all the holidays you may have given up to care for your loved one these last couple years.
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Mine too...You're not alone. I've found that spending time with relatives or friends and not focusing on the fact that it's a holiday has been helpful. You can celebrate another year. Make this year just a day to spend with people you love. Or as sunflo says, do some activity or help the community.
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The first holiday without a loved one is certaintly daunting. I agree with sunflo2 that you need to plan to fill your time so that you're not constantly reflecting upon what you would have been doing had mum been with you. I think you should also try to take a companion who appreciates that you will be experiencing mixed emotions embracing grief as well as the inner desire to re-charge your batteries. You need to structure this holiday so that you personally have support. Remembering the first holiday without my step-dad of 34 years, I recall that in the lead up to this I was very apprehensive, mainly because for years we had taken him and mum away with us and had got into a routine of playing dominoes/cards etc., every day in a hotel lounge, and I was really fearful that this would be an element of the holiday that would remind us constantly that he wasn't there. I decided we needed to book a hotel with an entertainment programme so that my mum (wheelchair-bound then) could be distracted by watching the exercises by the pool, by watching the line dancing, by doing the daily crossword competition, by watching early evening tea dancing, etc., and punctuating the rest of the day with light lunch, snacks etc., Basically, we had a full routine that ended with a couple of sherries before bedtime and we got through it. It didn't mean we didn't think of him, but we were able to avoid those triggers that we specifically associated with him. Hope you can do this - it does become easier.
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People are wired differently. I did not want my first motherless Christmas to be around a lot of happy people. I wanted to wallow in my sorrow (with old family holiday photos, comfort food), not act as if it were a big party. So, gauge your own personality. Do you want to wallow or forget? Find a family member or a friend who also will support you in that decision.
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My first Christmas without Mom too. I joined a bereavement group via our hospice and we are helping each other through. All feeling unmotivated and scattered. Grief comes in waves; sometimes it swamps you and you have to remind yourself that life has msny colors and experiencing new ones can be uncomfortable and lonely. Your mom would want you to take care of yourself so if you need to tell folks "Let's do it next year" that is your right.
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Just had my first Thanksgiving without Mom. My husband and I went away (it was also our anniversary). We sent kids to paternal grandparents. It felt good to do something different. I am trying to think of different things to do for Christmas. Maybe a mix of new and old traditions? I agree with all above, do what feels right to you.
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My mother passed away this past May. I hosted Thanksgiving at my house this year. It has been difficult, with bouts of depression and tears. I am determined to get through this first Holliday without her, by celebrating with traditions of the past and building new traditions for myself and family.
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My Dad died and was buried 7 days before Christmas. I carried on with our family traditions to honor his life. He wouldn't have wanted it any other way and neither did my mother. Sure, I had to go ino my closet and cry a few times but at those times I focused on the fact that my Dad was out of pain, safe and happy with the Lord. My faith was my best friend. If you are a person of faith, rely on the strength you will receive from God to help you grieve. No matter what your belief system, know that others here care about you and will think of you during the holiday season. Just knowing that should help. Good luck.
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Dear katiekat2009, The very best advise you could ever get is this: Go to your pastor and share with him what you are going through. If you do not have a pastor then call 770-603-PRAY (7729). My church has a prayer room and we pray for everyone for every reason 24/7...leave a msg and the next person in will record your prayer request in the book and pray for you. If you are near Atlanta, GA and to be specific Jonesboro, GA, then please, please, please come and visit. I lost my mom in 2008 and I was led there by the Lord. I have never regretted a moment or even thought of looking back. But even if this church is too far for you to get to, call and let us pray. Let us help you find a church close to you. I was not even thinking about church when I landed here...but I know I was bound for devastation without it. Please, at least call for comfort. It really does help. God has sent me 3 replacement moms...and each one of them fills a unique niche once held by my birth mom. And believe me, it takes all three of them to make up for the loss. When you trust in Jesus, you can't go wrong, He DOES fill the void...in more ways than you could ever dream of or ask for. Loving you in Christ, Susan B. @ First Baptist Church Jonesboro (Georgia).

Father God as I write these words I recall my own journey and my own loss but YOU helped me to see that this was not 'my' journey or 'my' loss but rather a reflection of YOURS long ago on the cross. And even though the loss was difficult, YOU were with me through it all from day one. I am lifting up Katie to YOU Lord. I am asking YOU to take her into YOUR arms and hold her tight. Be with her and watch over her like YOU did for me. Father God I know that "I" did not get through this loss of my mom. I know that "YOU" brought me through this loss of my mom. I also KNOW that YOU will bring Katie through this loss of her mom. So Father I am asking YOU to comfort her right now @ 7:16am EST as I pray and type interceding for her asking YOU to give her my portion of comfort that YOU had given to me in 2008. Show her that YOUR love overcomes all pain. Show her that her mom is now safe and sound in YOUR arms. Yes, while it is difficult for us to bear with the instant loss...YOU help us to cope day by day knowing YOU "have the whole world in YOUR hands".

Katie, I wish for you peace in the days to follow knowing that many will be praying for you.

Susan B. @ FBCJ
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my mom has been gone for 10 years, while I will always miss her, in time feelings change so the pain of loss isn't as 'raw'. I honor my mom by making sure our holiday traditions are celebrated by our family and I remember all the Christmas's past. The first set of holidays are the most difficult to get through, but we must remember that the circle of life goes on and that means all living things must pass from this world. I like to think that my mom is 'watching' from above and she knows I'm taking care of the family the way she would want.
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When my mother passed away, I began volunteering. 10 years now I help serve the homeless on Thanksgiving and it is the best part of my holiday. I feel mom is somehow helping me to give back to others. Pay it forward. I didn't feel like wallowing in the grief, and certainly didn't want to forget. Somehow this seemed to honor her as I remembered her life fondly.
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Much wonderful advice above. Everyone goes through grief differently and you also grieve differently for different people in your life. I have seen the differences in just myself after losing both parents, a sister, a brother, a son, a daughter, and now, in August, my husband. Losing my mom was devastating to me too. It depends on where you're at in your grief process as to how much you can handle. My mom died in May one year so Christmas wasn't too awfully hard as it wasn't extremely fresh and raw. My daughter died 6 days before Christmas and I don't even remember that Christmas as I was in a fog. But I've always felt that if it is at all possible, I've vowed (except for the year my daughter died - it was too raw), to spend each holiday with family. My husband passed away this Aug. 29th and I was really wanting to just hide this Thanksgiving. But, I decided to make the commitment to have all of his family over here for Thanksgiving, just like we always did, and I am so glad I did. His children were hurting too and it was such comfort to spend it together knowing that each of us loved him and miss him. Once I made the commitment and the plans were set, I knew I could not (would not) back out. There was an empty spot in each of our hearts for him, but it was comforting to be with everyone who was a little part of him. I think it was very healing for all of us. We ate, and fellow-shipped, played games, laughed, and yes, even cried a little, but it was strengthening for all of us because we know how he loved to gather with his family and he would want us to continue with that. I would say to continue with whatever traditions your family has. Remember her, but don't isolate yourself. Don't be afraid if a little of that stress and loneliness for your mom comes rolling down your cheeks in the middle of whatever get-togethers you have, because there will probably be others there missing her just as much. I thought about helping with the Thanksgiving meal at the Salvation Army but finally came to the conclusion that the first holiday without that missed one is the most important and hardest to get through, and needed to be spent with family. I agree with and say amen to the prayer of Susan B. above. The only way to get through this is with the Lord's help, so don't be afraid to call on Him when you need it. God bless you and help you to experience some peace through this holiday season.
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It is said that when we are depressed (even in cases of clinical depression), helping others helps ourselves. I think of it as a certain magic, although who knows, maybe helping others stimulates certain chemicals in our brain. If you love people, look for ways to help them, whether it be through charity work or assisting with chores/making casseroles. If you're near a hospital, maybe you could hold premature infants. If you love animals, consider helping (even just petting) shelter animals. Or feeding stray or feral cats, or birds.
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I am sorry for your loss, and do not worry about your grieving process. Each person grieves at a different pace. Give yourself permission to cry, and think of your mother and know she is in a better place. I still think of my mother who died in 2002, but having her suffer with dementia was even more difficult. She is definitely in a better place where there is no dementia.
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This is really my second year of holidays without my Mom. Last year, she was moved to assisted living out of state; this year, Mom passed away two weeks ago at age 95. I volunteered on Thanksgiving Day and will spend time with family out of state.
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I feel for you and reiterate what ferris1 said, we all grieve in our own way, it is a personal process and you need to do what feels best for you…I I first lost my dad and we were very close, then a sister, then mom, the very worst was my adult daughter and now my wonderful husband is in a care home with stage 6 Alzheimers.
I am dreading this holiday season, it is not just the one day but the whole lead up to it, the shopping, baking, family and friends get togethers, decorating…nothing feels the same and how could it, we do what we do for our loved ones and once they are gone we no longer have them to focus on….I will spend the day with my husband, another first, it seems life is all about adjustments and the evenings watching old movies….
with a box of kleenex beside me….take care of yourself the best way you can.
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I meant spend the day and have dinner with Gordon in the care home as I could not possibly bring him home and do it all by myself…so that is the " first " reference. But when it is all said and done, I still come home to an empty house….Hugs to all of you
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After my mom was gone Dad and I spent holidays with my brother and his family 300 miles away from our home. The tough one was the first holiday season after my husband passed, in early November. We had his family over for Thanksgiving as usual, and Christmas at his sister's with family. The tough one was New Years--went with my younger son to his in-laws, who live 1000 miles away but in the town my folks grew up in; also spent a couple of days with the daughter of the brother Dad and I did holidays with. I needed to be with both people who were connected to him, and also with people who were primarily my own friends and relatives. One of the most helpful was spending the afternoon several months later with a friend from college and his family. Remember that other family members and friends are grieving as well; some of them will not want to be in touch with you, some will.
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If you have family and/or good friends who you can spend the holidays with, that might help. Trying to remember how much your mom enjoyed the time, being with family...that might help too. Remember the good times, the fun times you spent with her.
My husband and I didn't do a lot for Christmas. But we were always together, got each other a card and a gift. We haven't had Christmas for the last few years because of his alzheimers. He died 3 weeks ago. With no family here, I will have to take my own advice....think of the happy times, the up times. But then, Christmas has always been hard, missing my family member who have died. I wish you the best. Good thoughts.
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You cope one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I know this because my mom died two weeks before Mother's Day. I thought I was going to die of grief that first holiday but I didn't care what was "correct" I just did whatever I wanted knowing that the day has only 24 hours and all holidays come to an end because there is an end to them, thank goodness. People do different things and they are all okay. I found that keeping busy in anything helped the time to go by; otherwise, I was just going to have to get through it. Next year gets easier because you've already gone through it. That year of "firsts" is the hardest; others who have gone through with it say so and those are the ones I feel most comfortable talking about it to.
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I lost my mother 41 years ago and my father 2 years ago. I try to continue with the traditions of the family. I went to relatives homes which I had normally visited for the holiday, perhaps limited the time there the first year after each passed but I felt they were looking down on our family gathering and would have wanted me to go. If the loss is really sitting heavy on your heart, do something different along with the traditional activities to whatever level you are able to at this point. It takes time for the grief to lift completely, and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. Trying to put on a false and happy face will not make you feel better. Across our nation millions of people are in your position, with a sick or deep loss of a love one. You are not alone, it is just when our lives are running smoothly without the grieving process, we do not anticipate how people deal with real loss during the holiday season.

In short, do whatever you are up to at this point. Don't pressure yourself to be here or go there if you are not up to it. In the future you will be able to enjoy the holidays and parties again with the family.

Life has changed but the good memories of your mother and your relationship with her will be with you forever. It has been 40 years since I lost my mother when I was 21 and I honestly think of her each and every day. Not in sad ways but things we did together etc.

Take care.
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This is my first Christmas without my mother, who passed away last December, too.
Keep yourself busy.
Go shopping, baking and cooking, and whatever you enjoy doing.
Surround yourself with friends and family.
This will help to keep your mind on the things you should be thankful for.
Enjoy the holidays, your Mom would have wanted it that way.
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Remember you are not alone this Christmas without your mom. My mom was my best friend, we were always together, it is going to be tough but I have chosen to keep busy with friends, not relatives because that is what her and I would have done together. I need to make new memories. My heart is twisting and my eyes are getting watery just writing this but I wanted to reach out and say...keep on keeping on in what ever way you see fit:)
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This will be my first Christmas without Mom as well. Thanksgiving was "odd" and you could feel that "something" was missing, although we did try to carry on as usual.

It is weird to me that even though Mom died in September we are all still so scattered mentally. We do not seem to be grounded or living in reality at this time. What we are doing is getting up each day and placing one foot in front of the other and continuing to move and carry out our daily routines. At some time in the future I am sure we will all stop and look back and wonder how we made it through this time or perhaps we won't remember much.....I don't know.

I feel like my thoughts are scattered and that I am not focused, however I am on Zoloft to stop panic and anxiety so maybe that is the reason.

I do not feel that for myself, laying around and wallowing in sorrow would be beneficial to me or my life. We love our parents dearly but it is a fact of life that at some time we will all die and life and the world goes on. If anything at all I would honestly think that doing something for someone else to make their day a bit better would be of more benefit. It may not be or feel exactly like you thought it would, but you could be honoring your loved one as you do acts of kindness for someone else. You will get as much benefit from it as the person you are helping.

This is all a learning experience for us. We are "growing up" in a way. This is knowledge we can pass on to our children and grandchildren.

God Bless you All and Merry Christmas in whatever way you celebrate it!
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....castro-henry here again, my mom passed last April also. I don't always look at these posts and thought maybe we could help each other through this holiday :)
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Katiekat2009; there are lots of us in the same boat. We lost my dad in March this year and then my mom died in mid-November. Not sure what the holidays will be like; sometimes I just want to skip the whole thing and other times think I'll struggle through. Will take it as it comes I guess.
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I'm very sorry for your loss and I know it a hard time for you and know one can replace mom. The last thing you need to do is not to be with people or family during this time. If you don't have any family and you able to move around good you might decide to go and volunteer at a family shelter and serve other in the memory of your mother and to shed love to another person who is living and would love to have someone to talk too and lift there spirits and not feel lonely and this way they will change you mental state and in return you will change their also. You be surprised how much this will help you. It sound like you might be a people person with a serving and caring spirit. And just know as time pass it will get better in time it's ok to grieve. But you mother wouldn't want you to miss out on life also. I'm a person the has faith and I know that God can't heal all hurt and pain and just ask God to help you along the way and if you believe then get up and know as you go you will be comforted and receive the goodness of God and one say again you will see you mother again. After you journey has come to and end at the appoint time. God Bless You Amen
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Not everyone is religious. For those who are spiritual, but who don't subscribe to any particular dogma (and even if a person is religious), the books of Dr. Raymond Moody are very comforting. His research work that is documented in his first blockbuster best seller from the 1960s LIFE AFTER LIFE is excellent. I find his book REUNIONS the best and most comforting. You should be able to get them on Amazon or at most bookstores.
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Yes you are right but It the choice of the individual to accept the answers to either question. It would have been better to suggest your answer and not use any statement about what I wrote. The question was ask and out of love I gave an answer and never will I knock what some one else said based on what I'm not. So please take in account that people have a right to speak and a right to receive as well. Thank You have a bless day and I want make this personal about me freely I give. And ask for nothing in return
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Dr. Blessed, I in no way meant this as any disrespect or as a personal slam. I don't see how my comment could in any way be taken as an intended offense. I only made a suggestion which came from my heart. It was in no way meant for you, rather as a comfort for KatieKat.
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