He is the oldest of 4, I’m the youngest of 5. I have one 11 yr old daughter. His mother's disease has progressed to needing help with everything; she can barely talk or walk. We’ve been married almost ten years and she’s lived with us for a total of 3 1/2 years. I'm tired of her other children making excuses why they can’t keep her. I feel like me and my child are suffering. I get angry and annoyed often. We used to vacation and take trips, but now all that is halted. My husband is not very attentive to his mom's needs. It’s like because she's a woman I’m suppose to do everything: bathing, changing her and cleaning her up. I’m battling with being supportive but also feeling resentful for all the things we now are not able to do. The marriage is definitely suffering.
Your mother in law *MIL* is also quite young at 75 and can live a lot longer as she continues deteriorating. If it were me, I'd have a Come to Jesus meeting with DH right away to let him know I'm DONE with the hands on caregiving for his mother. He can either hire someone to come into your home to do it, or, he can move her into a Memory Care Assisted Living Facility *ALF* right away. If he refuses, you can move into a hotel for a while while HE takes on the hands-on duties of bathing, changing and cleaning her up 24/7, not to mention cooking and cleaning the house. That may change his attitude mighty fast.
Marriage is a two way street where both people have to communicate properly and respect one another's wishes as well. Moving someone else into the inner sanctum is a big no-no unless everyone, including the children, are on board and willing to help out with the burden. That wasn't the case with your MIL moving in, so now is the time to make some changes.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
I went away for a week, and he was left with her. She was moved out of here quickly after that.
NO WAY are you in the wrong. Absolutely no way.
I would not feel resentful if my husband had done the same I would be royally pissed off!!!
I think that you should put a halt to some of "your" caregiving duties and let him take over for a while.
It might go something like this...
Come Friday book a weekend in a local hotel, one with a pool, hot tub and when hubby comes home Friday night you and your daughter take off for a mom and daughter weekend. (you might want to forget the charger to your phone.) Come home Sunday all rested and then have a sit down talk with hubby and say.."you did this for a weekend, I do it all week, for almost 4 years now. We need to find Memory Care for mom"
If you don't want to fake the back attack, then it's simply time to sit hubby down and tell him you can't do all of it on your own anymore. You need help on a daily basis. He can talk to his sibs to work out a schedule or they can all contribute by way of money to pay for home health care. Remind him he has a preteen who is getting very close to the age of not wanting to do things with parents, so he needs to arrange some vacation time for all 3 of you and care to cover for mom while you go somewhere. To get his brain thinking about what you do - ask him exactly what he does daily to help his mom. Then list the things that you are doing daily in addition to your own household/family duties. Just lay it out - I need a break - you put me in this situation without even asking - you need to work with me to get some help in here. Give him a week to come up with a plan and to talk to his siblings to work out a plan.
Now that I'm done being Dear Abby, the reality is that Mom could last another 10 years. Seventy-five isn't all that old, so I completely agree with the suggestion that you bail out for a long weekend, then come home and have the "come to Jesus" moment with your husband. This situation is untenable -- period -- and it does no service to his mother for her to have less than the best care.
Not that you aren't providing excellent care, but a memory care with staff who can handle her needs 24 hours a day is far superior to one person doing all the work that will not lessen as time goes on. The reality is that the day is coming when she needs more care than you can provide, so now is the time to take the bull by the horns and get her set up in a memory care facility before it reaches crisis level. Once that's done, tackle your marriage.
1 - Try getting others to help you. Ask family members, friends, members of your faith community... to volunteer to help with any tasks. Several people taking mom on for a hour or 2 every week would be most helpful. Settle for other offers of yardwork, housework, running errands, picking up groceries... that free up some of your time.
2 - Research paid help options. If you do not have enough help to meet your needs - 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep daily, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace daily, "time off" to meet your hygiene and health needs, and "time off" to recharge your batteries doing things you enjoy with or without others - then it is time to consider paid help. it may be as easy as enrolling mom into an Adult Day Program at a local nursing facility. It can be more complicated - hiring home health aides and sitters for 4-8hour shifts during the week or weekend.
3 - Get a true picture of mom's finances. Unless you are very well off, mom's resources should pay for mom's care needs. See if she qualifies for state assistance, federal assistance... See what the rules are for wherever you live to get enough to help you care for mom.
Lastly, after you have mobilized all help available, Have those conversations with your spouse. Discuss options that give every person in your home the kind of love and care each deserves. If discussions get heated to come to an impasse, consider a few sessions with a counsellor. Faith-based organizations have plenty of capable counsellors that are reasonably priced. Also, there are non-faith professionals that can help with higher fees.
You did not agree to become your MIL's caregiver. One of the members of this forum came up with the word that perfectly describes what has happened in your situation.
You were 'VOLUNTOLD' and it was assumed that you'd become your MIL's caregiver. No one has the right to assume and put the responsibility and care of their needy elder on someone else for any reason. You DO NOT have to take care of your MIL, and it's high time you threw down the gauntlet with your husband about it. That MIL goes or you and your daughter do.
I mean no disrespect to your husband or family, but he created this situation and sustains it so he can have his cake and eat it too. He can be the hero and the good son who takes his poor, needy mother into his house and everyone applauds him. Only his wife is the one who has to take on all the responsibility for her and meet all of her care needs. Nope. That sh*t has to stop today.
You tell your old man in plain English that you will not care for his mother anymore.
You need respite care ASAP. At the very least. Ask him if he wants to hire full time help for her or find a nice nursing home for her cuz you are done. It is not fair to your daughter. Or to your marriage.
I love the idea of you and daughter going on a fun get away weekend so hubby can have some nice one-on-one time with his mama. Do it ASAP. He may be mad but that's just too bad. You can tell him nicely and that you really need a break right now and that it is not negotiable. Stand up for yourself. Remember that he sprung this on you so it is not, IMHO, unreasonable for you to spring these new changes on him now.
You can not expect the other siblings to help out. They probably thinking, yippee, big brother is handling it so I can just stick my head in the sand. Not everyone wants to or should be a caregiver.
Good luck.
She will be fine without regular showers – lots of posters have parents who haven’t washed for months and have still managed to avoid skin problems.
You can have frozen meals in the fridge and she or DH can heat them up.
The Depends cleanup can wait for DH to get home, at least for a few days.
She can stay in bed – you don’t have to get her up.
You don’t have to be nasty about this. Let MIL deal with any anger with DH, not you.
If you keep on doing all the jobs, neither DH, MIL or the various relations have any incentive to change. You need to stop doing them, and let the chips fall where they may.
My husband done the same to me and i gave him a deadline way in advance with reputable caregiver places to call. He him/hawed, i left on vacation to visit my daughter. He thought i was bluffing. When i called him on my last day of vacation to see how things were going, he'd informed me that he took family leave till i got home. I told him he knew my demands so if that's what he chose to do, I won't be coming home. It took him 2 weeks to find help but he done it. I have a huge problem with husbands expecting their wives to take care of his family when they either don't want to or lack the patience and/ or skills to do so. Good luck and stand up for yourself because if you don't, no one else will.
“The only people who get upset when you set boundaries, are the ones who benefited from you having none.”
Plan a vacation with your child and tell your husband to “hire a caregiver,” and send him a postcard.
Its always dumped on one human.
If you feel you want or need to help your MIL, then do so, but leave the majority of work and finding caregiver help to him! How absurd for him to do this to you! Especially when you have a child to care for! Make your child your#1 priority. It's absolutely okay to feel resentment towards him! I'd give him a deadline to find a caregiver or you and your child will be moving out. He's taking advantage of you. Dont let him! Good luck to you...
Don't expect this confrontation with yourhusband or family to be easy or short but ultimately it is up to you to figure how much of this you can stand and what will be the best life for your daughter. She is your priority at the moment.
I wish you strength and hope in your journey.
If your husband's 3 siblings don't want to shoulder the immense burden of time and labor required to care for their dependent mother, instead throwing all of that on your husband's back and especially yours, then those 3 siblings should be required to pay 100% of the cost for a caregiver to care for your MIL in your home for at least 12 hours per day, if not 24 hours.
Either that, or all four of them can rotate 3 months out of the year to do all the caregiving themselves.
Devidence what is best for you then let your husband know and then do it.
Check with mom's Insurance to see what they cover as far as in home health Care. Usually they will have a Nurse come out once to check on her and they will have an Aide come to give her a bath/shower/bedbath 3 times a week.
If .om's husband was in the Military then check with them as you can get up to 30 hrs a week free Caregiver help.
Tell all your husband's Siblings that they have a choice of helping with the Care or each paying money for Caregiver help.
Figure out what you want and need and let them know.
Caregivers cost $12 an hour.
All of your husband's Siblings should chip in to pay for 8-12 hrs a day 7 days a week for Care or each take her for a week at a time.
Tell him like a couple days before …if you are on board with hiring caregiver before you leave, fine. Otherwise, have him worry about it. Enjoy your vacation! 🍷
Hugs 🤗
This issue is a big one & often does need a marriage counselor.
I remember a past poster who was threatened with divorce if she did not care for his Mom 12hrs/day & continue her job too.
I penned an ad for him "Man, middle aged, seeks wife #2 to care for MIL all day & work nights to pay for household expences. Also to do all household chores".
Wonder how that turned out?
Is this a situation and marriage you even want to be in?
You and your daughter should leave and let your husband hire a paid caregiver for his mother.You may feel that's impossible if you and your daughter feel financially dependent on him, but your current situation sounds like slavery.
You both need to seek help fast. Counselling & carers. Your husband was wrong to not even discuss this with you. Telling them to go on holiday is not going to be the answer. MIL is a person & not her fault she needs care. Maybe husband doesn't help because he's embarrassed to deal with toileting & bathing. So he's relying on you as a female.
You both need to look at options. I have carers come 4 times a day to bathe & hoist my dad from bed ,to chair , to commode. That will remove part of the problem about who bathes who.
Also ask for respite care so you , your husband & daughter can go out for a meal & chat about your feelings.
Caring is hardwork. My sister won't do personal care or help at night. She thinks helping is sitting with dad having a cup of tea for an hour & then disappearing for another week. So I've had no choice but to ask for outside help. I'm really feeling resentful towards my sister but I'm getting help so I can focus on dad & not waste my life being angry at my selfish sister