No matter how many times i show him he can’t navigate his i phone. Is this early dementia? Hes a former atty and can remember many complicated laws and issues.i get so tired of showing him how to do things on phone and computer and he doesn’t understand my frustration. He just thinks it’s normal for me to be st his side for help At any given moment. I do have help at home and still get overwhelmed . Its tiring and demanding and sad to say the least
I'm always amazed just how many of our caregivers in my caregiver support group are caring for loved ones that were once doctors, lawyers, and CEO's.
Dementia does not discriminate!
Please make sure that you're taking good care of yourself and are doing things you enjoy. Get involved in a good local support group, and don't be afraid to ask for help.
God bless you both.
Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask, do not demand
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
The overall goals should be to:
1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible
(because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)
2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people
3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing
4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.
These aren't my rules, I don't know who to credit, but they help me a lot. I also watched Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. She's a dementia and caregiving expert who makes learning positive and interesting. They are worth watching.
It is going to be a process to see the man you married go from a competent practicing attorney to a man you can't recognize anymore as the man you married.
You ask if this is dementia. It may be. It may be Parkinsons. It may be a combo, but in all cases you need have to have as complete testing done now as you can.
I hope you are already the POA. I hope you can attend his meeting with his own MD and ask for a complete neuro-psyc workup to stage where you are at. It you know where THAT is, you can learn about it.
You say he expects you THERE. Now, whether that is because his career was spent as an attorney (who generally HAS someone there to do the more menial tasks) or not--it is a GOOD thing: something you can use while your husband is still able to be home with you.
He seems not resentful of you, and so often persons being cared for ARE angry and resentful.
This is a learning process like anything else in life. Start with a beautiful bowl at the entryway in the house or someplace prominent. I(Basket, box, a gift for him he may like) t is his for his things. His phone, his remote, his wallet, his anything that fits in it. The bowl is where it ALL goes. He may remember to do that for a while. He may be happy to have this accomplishment.
Good luck. I hope you will fill us in on where you are at after you speak to his doc. You can pretty much see the direction here. As his is new to you it is naturally frustrating and anxiety provoking, and until it registers that you are where you are, it will be. I sure wish you the very best of luck.
Did your husband have a secretary and didn’t really learn to do these things well ?
Learning new phone tasks takes complex processing skills. Not everyone's skill type.
But constantly losing daily objects, everyday, constant struggles with known objects may be an early warning flag for short term memory or processing issues.
While a cure sadly may not be possible, it may help to have a thorough assessment. To know what you are dealing with - to step into new expectations.
Regarding lost items: would a visual aide help? Eg a coloured box to put keys, glasses, phone. I haven't tried this with adults yet, but used a similar technique for young children & teens (autism/adhd) when trying to teach them to put important items away in the same place to be located easily the next day.
I also wonder about having the same size, colour box in each well used room eg near the door, bedroom, living, kitchen etc.
Maybe others have some tips for this? To maintain his independance. The alternative is you become the 'keeper' of his belongings (as we do for our younger children). This will create work for you & possible resentment in him.