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My husband is completely deaf and has many other health problems. He is 73. He had a massive brain bleed in 2012, so he is at risk for possible memory issues. His temper can flare up explosively and I am not sure how to bring up the subject. I believe he realizes sometimes that he is forgetting things, but he tries to attribute it to not hearing, which at first I thought maybe so. I have had many detailed conversations with him which he forgets & I know he heard because he was talking with me. This is happening more and more. Any ideas will be appreciated. He doesn't want to go for a check up because part of the check up is a basic memory test. Thanks so much.

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HibiscusGirl, it could be just regular age decline and not dementia.

My Mom had lost most of her hearing due to age related decline, and was still sharp in her early 90's. The fact that she had difficulty in hearing made others think she had dementia.

Let's not forget, some people just have "selective hearing". My sig-other does. If it isn't sports he is not focused :(
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He needs medical opinion, why would you pit yourself in potentially explosive situation.
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HibiscusGirl Aug 2022
I am in this situation because He had a traumatic brain injury, kidney issues, eye issues, loss of balance and deafness. I am his caregiver and wife. He isnt violent physically but his behavior is on par for his injury. Thanks.
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Yes I thought it was at first but its definitely more than that..Thanks so much.
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Yes I thought it was at first but its definitely more than that..Thanks so much.
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Yes I thought it was at first but its definitely more than that. Thanks so much.
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I agree with Evamar. It is up to a doctor to discuss this with him.
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HibiscusGirl Aug 2022
Yes, its just how to get him to go for this particular issue. thanks so much.
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It's worrisome to me that you're living with a man who has an explosive temper and who's also in denial that he's having memory issues. That can lead to him hurting you without even wanting to, or realizing that he's doing so, especially if dementia is at play, which is more likely due to the massive brain bleed he had in 2012. Normal age related memory issues do not make a person forget entire conversations they've had. Hearing impairments can lead to dementia as well, or mimic dementia, so I think it's important you DO get him to the doctor for a full medical workup. Maybe you can tell him it's a new Medicare requirement to have a physical every year to keep the insurance in force? Or suggest his hearing has to be checked so he can get hearing aids. Tell him that if he fixes his hearing, perhaps that will solve his 'forgetfulness' issues too, and wouldn't that be nice?

In the meantime, don't bring up your fears of him having dementia b/c he may go ballistic on you. In case he does, call 911 and have him taken to the ER for a psych evaluation, which is probably the best idea ANYWAY. If he raises a hand to you, do not hesitate to call 911. If you do get him to agree to go to the doctor, see about sending him a message beforehand expressing your concerns and mention DHs explosive temper and your fears of dementia.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. I hope you stay safe and call 911 if and when you feel in danger.
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HibiscusGirl Aug 2022
Thanks for your response. My counselor had told me the same thing about calling 911 and asking for ambulance and then a psyche evaluation. I actually have doctors appt tomorrow with our family doctor..and will certainly mention all this to him..Thanks for taking the time to write to me.
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Hibiscus girl, I would send the doctor a note outlining the problems you are seeing (including his explosiveness) and ask how to proceed.

Years ago, my first husband had a sudden change in personality. I called his neurologist and explained what I was seeing.

The neuro called my then husband, asked him to come in (without mentioning my call) and changed up his meds, doc made up some story about the med having newly reported side effects.

Get in touch with the doctor soon.
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HibiscusGirl Aug 2022
Thank you Barb, those are very good suggestions. I actually see our family doctor tomorrow for myself and will run some of this by him...Thanks you so much.
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If I were in your very challenging situation, I think I would have a very truthful but gentle discussion with him about how you're seeing changes in him and it's concerning to you -- and video this conversation in case he forgets about it later.

In your discusion mention:
- he himself knows he had a brain injury and was told the risks to his health and cognition.
- him having a check-up not only respects himself but respects you and makes your future together as good as it can be.
- you do not agree to carry on as either his wife or caregiver if he chooses to live in denial because you fear his worsening temper and uncooperativeness, which will make any future marriage and caregiving a living hell for you.
- to move forward as his wife and caregiver he agrees to see the doctor right away, agrees to make you his DPoA (if you aren't already) and agrees to carry through with any and all therapies and treatments recommended.

And then you must carry through with your decision, i.e. you will leave if he doesn't agree to the above. I honestly don't know how else to motivate someone in this situation. If he has an episode of explosive temper you can and should call 911. At that point they'll probably take him to the ER and maybe there he can be assessed. You have the option of telling the discharge office that he is an "unsafe discharge" due to his worsening temper and resistance to treatment.

The caregiving arrangement isn't working if it only works for one of the two people. I wish you success in getting him to the doctor, and peace in your heart no matter what transpires.
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HibiscusGirl Aug 2022
Thanks for your response...You have given me some very good pointers and info. to consider...I actually have an appt with the doctor tomorrow fro myself..and will run some of these things by him, he is his doctor as well. Thanks again/
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Intermittent explosive anger syndrome can exist alongside other mental issues. A stroke or a brain bleed adds to the problem. This was the case with a LO in my family. His rehab docs sent him to a neuropsychologist for extensive testing. That got a diagnosis and meds that helped, but not enough. He refused treatment for his cognitive and addiction issues, so nothing much could be done for him and he never got better. Just FYI.
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I find the best way to handle that is to talk with a doctor or elder care social worker. They can help you refine your approach and perhaps help you deliver the message. That is particularly important given his past medical troubles and brain bleed. You don't want him to become explosive when all you're trying to do is to be helpful. Additionally, if he is afraid of the memory test, try to have a conversation with him about why he may be afraid. More than likely he is afraid of getting confirmation of what he may already know is true. But getting him to specifically say that out loud could be a big step toward getting him some help.
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HibiscusGirl Sep 2022
Thank you. Yes I agree, we are open about all his other medical issues and that leads to proper treatment. Some have said he doesnt need to know if he has dementia and I dont understand that. I can tell that he realizes sometimes he is forgetting, I just wanted to know how to approach it. Right now he will not go get a yearly physical and I know it's because they do a basic cognitive test. Thanks so much for taking the time to answer me, I really appreciate it.
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Why is it necessary to tell him he has dementia? He is seemingly frightened that it is the case. My husband was also very hard of hearing even with his hearing aids and communication was difficult. But during the almost 5 years of dealing with his worsening Alzheimer's I never mentioned dementia to him. If nothing can be done about it, why press that diagnosis on him? I understand your husband has other brain damage maybe, but why insist on telling him? He is frightened and needs your reassurance that you will be there for him. I know how long and lonely the walk can be. Blessings.
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Harrylcnm Sep 2022
You most likely need to bring it up eventually if living conditions change. Like if you need help or need to go to assisted living.
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Some people don't know that they have dementia. Others realize that they are not what they used to be. The thought of having dementia can cause fear and anguish. I also feel that it is not necessary to use that word, although it is wise to prepare for a time when we can no longer take care of ourselves and need more care. While he is still able to sign legal papers, make sure that all of his and your paperwork is in order. You both should set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, in the event that you are unable to make these decisions. You both also should have living wills with your advance medical directives and wills, if you have assets. You may need an attorney for this. A local social worker can advise whether there are resources in the community that can assist with these legal documents, if needed. Have a plan for the time when he (or you) may no longer be able to take care of yourselves. Would you want to have in-home caregivers, or move to an assisted living/memory care facility where there are skilled staff, other people of the same age, ability-appropriate activities, and a higher level of care? This is a discussion that every responsible adult should have - hopefully you'll never have to use your Plan B. People with dementia often go through personality changes. These are often stages that they pass through. You can't reason or argue with people who have dementia. Re-direction is best. If there are senior caregiving groups in your area, you may want to connect with them so that you have more people to speak with. All the best to you both.
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I think that this will take a calm sit down and talk with him. If he is unable to do that you may need to tell him that YOU are unable to stay with him with the present circumstances.
I would start by telling him that the two of you need to have a talk. Tell him you will talk and then he will talk and when it descends into shouting it will be clear to you that it is too late to talk, and you will have to explore other options for your own future.
Then tell him what you are noticing and tell him that it is unclear to you whether this is a case of hearing or something other. If it is the latter your wish is to stay with him and support him through anything and everything, if he will make that possible. The starting point is to get a diagnosis and he must agree to that, it being a deal breaker.
If he is uncooperative tell him that your mind will be relieved by his being able to draw you a clock set at 10 minutes past 12. Tell him you will be relieved if he can spell a few words backwards for you. Tell him that you will be relieved if he can count down from one hundred subtracting by 7 five times in a row.
If he CAN do these things I would start with a good hearing exam.
You may need to be proactive. I would look to an attorney, a separation and a separation of legal assets if none of this works. It is utterly impossible to take care of a person descending into dementia who is not at all cooperative.
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Harrylcnm Sep 2022
Then what? You can’t put him on the street.
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I told my Daddy that we all forget things. The best thing for you is to remember not to get frustrated when he keeps asking the same question over and over again. Also, try to redirect him. Trying to explain memory loss to someone who has memory loss is not gonna work... been there.
prayers for you
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ConnieCaretaker Sep 2022
Someone on the forum suggested purchasing an Alexa for those who repeat their questions: Alexa doesn't get frustrated or angry.
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Call his doctor to tell him what is going on. Have them call to schedule an appointment to refill his meds. They can let him know that they won't refill without him coming in. Then when he goes he can be tested. My mom does really well with "you have a memory issue" because she knows it. The one medication she doesn't mind taking is the one for her memory.
You must get ahead of this. He may can try some medications that will help his memory and he probably will need an anti-depressent for the mood swings.
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HibiscusGirl Sep 2022
yes thanks, that is what I am hoping for...to get him on some memory meds and maybe something for his mood...Great suggestion. thanks so much.
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We made an appointment with a neurologist to get clarity and testing. The doctor was very interested in me and what I've witnessed. I really felt like an intruder in the meeting, but I came to understand that the doctor was trying to fit pieces of the puzzle and there would be a great dark hole where the patient couldn't, or wouldn't, divulge the truth.

I pray that those smart people who are fighting our pandemic will use their skills to eliminate Dementia and perhaps create a vaccine that will save the generations to come: it's a humanitarian crisis.

Just let your husband know that you want the assessment so that you don't suffer from anxiety and, you cannot possibly help him if you don't know what is going on and how to manage it. It is an incurable disease, so it will take a village to manage it, this forum is our village, but we also need medical and legal advisors. Let your husband know, it's a team effort and you are on your husband's team, just like those wedding vows were written.
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HibiscusGirl Sep 2022
Thank you so much...I love your suggestion....I am just praying I can get him to go to the doctor. He only sees his kidney doctor and his eye surgeon. I may approach the kidney doctor. Thank you so much,
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I asked my husband's regular doctor to review his medications and remove any that interrupt his memory: this will give him more quality time here on earth.
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HibiscusGirl: Your husband requires a visit to his primary care physician for starters. That physician can refer him to a neurologist if the physician deems it necessary. Also, that physician would be giving him any dx and not you. I have concern for your safety when he has these temper flare ups. It is imperative that you call the proper authorities if you feel in danger.
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HibiscusGirl Sep 2022
I approached the family doctor and he just said to tell him to come in and get his physical. Not a lot of help.
as far as the outbursts, I have spoken with my counselor and she told me to call 911 for a medical team to come out and remove him if need be. I pray that never happens but I know who to call. I am going to approach his kidney doctor and see if he can help me...he is the only doctor my Dh will go see, except for his eye surgeon. Thank so muc for taking the time to respond...it really helps.
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"I may approach the kidney doctor"

A good plan for 2 reasons - to start with a Doc he trusts plus kidney check up as kidney function can impact thinking skills. Then if the Kidney Doc suggests a visit to his Primary Doctor (for whatever reason) it may get him there. Once there, some short screening tests could be done (if he is open to it). I've found keeping my phrasing to mild "I'm a little concerned about.." keeps the stress out for the patient but the Doctor will hear the issue. A good one will hear between the lines. It may take a visit or more.. a "I'd like to see you again in X weeks".

I suspect my LO is on the regular checkup list now to check up on their health but also to check-in with carergiver & assess for caregiver stress.
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He can't hear at all?

Can he understand and do sign language? Does any of his providers do sign language?
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HibiscusGirl Sep 2022
No he can't, he is completely deaf. He has a cochlear implant and can hear one on one conversation. Lots of repeating and verifying that he understands me. Thanks
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I believe in total honesty. You are already stressed and he is in denial. And it is simple test to start with.. And if he has temper, that is not going to get better without doctors intervention, if there is mental decline. Many wrote fearful stories about that and abuse they encountered.
My husband with Parkinson’s is totally responsible for all his medical decisions, maintaining independence is his main concern.
I believe people as adults and still capable have to take total responsibility for their health.
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Geaton777 Sep 2022
"still capable"... but the problem with dementia is that people slowly lose their abilities of reason, logic and empathy... and there's no line that is visibly crossed to indicate when they are no longer capable. It is often extremely subtle. Most people miss it for a long time, even in their own spouses or parents.
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Any luck geting DH to the Docs yet?

I respect what Evamar said & would try honesty first...

But if not.. Not so honest I'm afraid..
Checkup time, blood pressure, chol etc? Or even to accompany you when out at the shops then onwards to the Doc for 'your' appointment?
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