What do I do if my husband is leaving me because he wants a normal life and doesn’t want me to run back and forth taking care of my mother?

I agree with Emerald4Me but not with the other two statements above.

How would you feel as a wife if for the past 12 years he had been all busy taking care of his mom plus working a full time job as well as try to talk with him, but he would not listen, on top of suggest getting some professional help,but getting no response, after which going into the martyr phase where you try to tough it out for something to change, but after 12 years he's more mama's boy than he is his wife's husband?

He's been there for 12 years and your inability to have some boundaries in your marriage so that he would not feel like you were more married to your mom than to you and someone says if that's all it took 12 years of feeling like he did not have a wife and he left 5 months ago. I think you need some serious therapy. Ya mama did not drive your husband away, your lack of boundaries did.

I get so tired of reading on this site about such divorces, but even worse views such as spouses and children come and go but you only have one mom. Sorry folks, but mom an't God and if you believe in God, it don't say in the Bible that when your elderly parents come into hard times that you leave your spouse (there are more ways to leave than just physically) and then cleave to your mom or dad until death do you part.

Have you had any communication with your husband over the last 5 months since he left? If not, then I'd say he is gone. Consider yourself blessed that he did not leave earlier.

I'm coming down hard on this issues because I've had to deal with it in my own marriage, but not in relationship to carrying for a parent. My wife was in such psychological F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) to her mother that after the birth of our first child, she was not fully present at home with us as a family, me as her husband, or the child and next child as their mom. She said she wanted to be free from her bondage to her mother but she was afraid. Well, she ended up in the mental hospital and after 10 years of therapy she finally stood up to her mother and now is more fully present with me and with us. So, I can empathize with your husband, but sad to say that you may have just learned a very hard lesson.

Save your marriage. My husband had a big, long talk with me. When my mom was first widowed I went over every time she called - this went on for almost 5 years. Then he said we needed family time and I was also neglecting the youngest who still lived at home (she is a teen). I woke up. We help out if it is a true emergency. We take her to church and back home. Once a month we go shopping, run errands, etc. for no more than 4 hours. If she is lonely, she is to call my siblings. Good luck!

Mam, I have had problems with my husband too. I am 59 and he is 62. He still works and is gone 60 hours a week. It's only fair that he should want me to be here when he gets home and on weekends. We have been married for 37 long years, and have always lived in my family's 4 apartment house. We have always been in the mix with my family and he has taken that well. But I feel that at this stage in our lives, we deserve time together without the family drama. I have 6 siblings and get very little help with Mom from them. I have given up expecting them to help and don't count on them for anything now.
Mom's long term care insurance has finally come through and I have someone coming in 5 days a week to help out. She is here all weekend and we can now get out if we want to. The last 2 years took their toll and things were getting worse. You do need to put yourself in your husband's shoes. It couldn't have been pleasant for him to watch what was happening to you either. It doesn't matter what reason finally made him leave. We all have to remember that this doesn't just affect us. It hurts everyone in your immediate family and it is a terrible balancing act we have to do to keep everyone happy, and take care of ourselves too.
I wish you luck and much happiness!

Crowemagnum, I agree with most of what you said. It is a two way street and both can get caught up in the situation! My husband actually has a job at a car dealership and is the dispatcher in the garage. He leaves the house at 6:15 Am and gets home 12 hours later. He has 1 1/2 hours of traveling time each day, thus the long hours. He also only takes a half hour lunch, so that he can keep up with his paperwork. That being said, he is very needy, and has never really helped around the house, even when I was gone 45 hours a week for my job. I always say his mom spoiled him, and I took over doing that job! I handle all the bills, repairs , and yard work, besides caring for my mom. I can't tell him how frustrated I am, because he gets angry with me. He has a short fuse and no patience. It's been a long 37 years, but he provides, doesn't drink, and doesn't chase women. I wish he would go out with friends, but has always expected me to be available for him. Thus, the fact that I have had very little girlfriend time over the years. I'm not complaining mind you, as I know I could have done something about our situation. It was just easier to agree with him and let him have his way. He can be a brooder and a sulker, which can make life very unpleasant sometimes, but I have learn (with age) to go with the flow!!!
Glad to see you have been through therapy and finally finding some peace in your life. I enjoy your comments and hope to hear more. Take care!

Caregiving takes its toll on every aspect of your life: relationships, health, jobs, friendships. As Emerald said above, you need to pace yourself. Decide which things your Mom really needs and do those first...the rest comes if you have extra time.
I am so sorry that the hub has decided to "check out." I wonder how he would feel if it were he that needed the care and you decided that you just wanted your "normal life" back. No blame game here, but I thought marriage was for better or worse.
Have you had an honest discussion with him? Have you tried counseling? Were there other issues that did not involve the care of your Mom?
I guess I find it hard to believe that a spouse would leave because you were caring for a loved one in need. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I hope you two can work on a good compromise and then stick to it.
take care,
Lilli

If that all it takes to make him leave then you are probably well rid of him. There is most likely something more underlying his desire for a "normal" life. Which, traditionally, has not been just the so-called nuclear family. Given that, however, you should probably see what kinds of changes you can make to ease the running back and forth for YOUR OWN mental health and peace of mind. When I was growing up my mother's father lived with us (after he was widowed). Later my other grandparents stayed with my parents (when necessary). Now, I am staying with my mother so that she can stay in her own home.

There are so many ways to adapt a situation that I am sure you will be able to come up with something. Since you are working, maybe you can afford some help in the form of a Visiting Nurse? Or something similar. It all depends, of course, on how much help you mother needs. If she's just lonely maybe there is a senior center nearby where she can make friends and have something of a social life.

Thank you for your straight talk. I am in therapy and I am trying to set boundaries - I actually only spend time with my mother now for specific things she needs. I see that I wasn't being fair but I was stuck in knowing what to do. His leaving was like cold water being poured over my head as each day that goes by I realize how much he and my marriage meant to me. We do talk every week but he has indicated he only wants to be friends. He has moved into an apartment over a bar/restaurant down in an area where alot of 20-30 year olds hand out. He just turned 49. He also meets many women friends after work - he did this before he left as well. Several people say he left for another woman - others say he left because of my mom. I'm coming to believe he left for many reasons but mainly because I didn't put him first in the marriage.

mam03 ,

Earlier you stated that you are in therapy and working on boundaries and see how you basically abandoned your husband. Marital problems are normally two way streets and it sounds like you are taking responsibility for your part, but how your husband chooses to respond from here on is his part.

Respect works both ways and I bet if he had gotten all wrapped up in work and his mom which left you in the dust like you weren't really marred then you would rightly complain and then probably tell him enough, I'm out of here. In that case, he would deserve to get blasted for driving you away from him and that is not like blaming the victim for the abuse because such emotional abandonment is abuse.

Sorry, but to wait 12 years for you to see the light of your poor boundaries and then leaving is not some male mid life crisis. Yes, you as the wife deserve to be treated with respect, but so does your husband and those past poor boundaries were not respectful. In that sense he was the victim and his response after 12 years is understandable. One we call adultery and the other we call emotional incest, but the dynamics are the same.

To leave after such abandonment for 12 years is a bold statement of "you don't even know that I exist and I've been patient for a hell of a long time, but I'm fed up with you being more married to your mama than to me" So, if you mama is who you want to grow old with then go to it." He would have felt the same way as if you had been having an affair for 12 years or had made a son or daughter an emotional substitute spouse instead of working on your relationship with him.

Frankly, mama's girls or no easier to be married to than mommy's boys for they both have the same problem of never having really left home.

Some adult children were trained from childhood to one day abandon all to take care of usually their mom. They don't realize that they've been emotionally programed to function as their mother's mom when she pushes the buttons of Fear, Obligation and Guilt which are the standard ones. Thus, it is easy to blindly get to the place where in spending basically all of your time at work or with mom nothing goes off that a spouse or children are being left out totally not just some and their complaints or suggestions just fall on deaf ears because what you are doing feels normal, but then one day when one finds themselves all alone ( divorced husband, destroyed relationships with children, etc.), they see their lack of healthy boundaries.

It appears that it is when our parents decline that the foundations of a marriage are shown for what they really are. If someone is still their parent's little boy or little girl, then that marriage is in deep trouble without some serious counseling that is beyond the virtual world of cyberspace. It's not your fault that you have poor boundaries for that's evidently how you were raised.

But now that you have insight about that and are working on boundaries, you can't use what your mom did nor whatever your husband does for an excuse or for a focus of blame for where you are now or where you may or may not end up.

All you can really control is you. You can't change how your mother is or your husband's past, present or future response to your new life with boundaries. Your mother might not even like you having healthy boundaries in your life and on some level might even be glad he is gone (which my MIL would love about me and my MIL). Some mothers really and truly want their daughters all to themselves. My grandmother told my mom when she got very old 'well it's time for you to leave ___ and come live with me now like you did after your first marriage."

I've seen marriages fall apart because of parent/child enmeshment with mush less than an older parent declining. The book, Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend, is a very good book and even deals with the issues of older parents and your marriage.

Again, I wish you well and do stay in touch with your face to face therapist.

Thank you for sharing your insights from the "other side" of the fence. It's important to remember that we need those boundaries, and we made a commitment to our spouse - being "there" is hard when you "can't get there from here."

Still, things worth having are worth fighting for!

Tough words, but they needed to be said.
~FyreFly

Sounds to me like neither one are worthy of your consideration. Take care of yourself first and enjoy any freedom you wish to have without having to choose between anyone. Choose yourself!