My husband moved my mother-in-law into our home without my consent. He tried to talk to me about this and asked for my opinions, I suggested well knowing that she's very difficult and all the other daughter-in-laws and her own daughter do not want her in their home, so I will be happy to research places and other ideas for this to happen. One of the other daughter-in-laws let her live in her home for 2 weeks ( it was supposed to be temporary because she had recently broken her arm living in her own home alone. And this daughter-in-law could not stand our Mother-in-law either she was a total disrespectful, unrelenting,nightmare) and told her husband ,after this 2 long months, it's either her or me!!!!! Get her out! Of course her arm was healed by then. But still needed Rehab Etc the family simply thought she can't live alone anymore this was not advised by a doctor. Not that that really even matters right now. That's when her husband called my husband and said take her.!!!!! This husband, my brother-in-law, is the oldest son of the family, and had promised their dad on his deathbed that he would not ever let her be moved into a facility. One night my husband and I were having dinner and I had as promised had done research on other options, keeping in mind this was only 2 weeks or less after he sprung this question on me. I laid everything out for him and explained everything and he told me "well it's too late for that now because she's moving in on monday!!!!!!!!" I was beyond shocked and in total disbelief, I got up and walked outside of the restaurant it was very cold I stood out there for a while and cried my heart out. My husband never came out there I finally went back in because I was freezing and I was crying and asked him what was going on. Well I've already told you what ended up happening, there was no discussion with her about any kind of boundaries at all she was just moved into our home. I tried my very best to be warm and welcoming even though this was happening to me at my absolute unwillingness. And just as I knew it was a living nightmare for over 5 years. Yes this was a past issue she has recently died. Now I am wondering what did this mean to me from my husband for disrespecting me in such a horrible way. My husband knows that I would never move my mother in without his consent, and knowing my mom and he do not get along I would never even ask. And my mom is nothing like that woman. My mental health was at stake already, my husband knew that I suffered from depression and anxiety he was very supportive of my medical care for this however he still did this. He even stated he expected me to help her bathe and change her diapers etc. We've been married now for almost 37 years, and I'm struggled all this time with his frustrating disrespecting and selfish behavior. I love him dearly and do not want to leave him, but now I'm at a Crossroads where his selfishness and anger have caused not only me years of problems but our family as well please help me understand what this means. I am reaching out now for counseling etc for our marriage.. keep in mind I have asked him for years for counseling (alone) to help with these problems and he has always rejected it with some sort of excuse. ANY advice that you can give me for this would be helpful thank you. Your answers will help me demonstrate the pattern in his selfish angry, disrespectful attitude, in counseling.
I don't think you need help to demonstrate your DH's 'pattern in his selfish, angry disrespectful attitude' IF you are able to get him into counseling in the first place. The marriage counselor will see this pattern once you discuss your history together. A marriage is a partnership where both people respect one another enough to NEVER make decisions that affect the other without the consent of the spouse. That's what team work means: That both of you agree to put the other first, so that issues like this do not happen.
What your DH has done by moving his mother in w/o your consent is he's lost your trust and your respect in him. Perhaps a marriage counselor can coach him on what he can do to rebuild that trust and respect, otherwise, the marriage is over with. Once trust and respect is gone, the marriage is finished unless you can both find a way to rebuild those feelings.
I think it's easy NOW to say he'll go to counseling, since the damage has already been done! He moved his mother in, whether you liked it or not.........so what's left to say? He did what HE wanted to do, leaving your feelings out of the picture entirely. That is selfish and boorish behavior on his part 100%. You can't change that, no matter what you do. #Truth
I hope DH agrees to see a marriage counselor and if so, that this counselor is able to get you on the right path to rebuilding a healthy relationship once more. I don't blame you for being upset, I would be too. Best of luck.
The man has no respect for you. There is no "marriage " here, just obedience and servitude on your part.
If that's what you want from a marriage, then fine.
You can only change your behavior, not his. Marriage counseling is not about "demonstrating" what he did wrong. It's about present communication about what matters to you both going forward.
I think individual therapy for you might be a better move. And maybe a session with an attorney to check what kind of division of assets you could expect if you or he decided to split.
It might be eye opening for you to realize that you could be independent financially without having to serve and obey.
I'm just curious, and I mean no disrespect, but why are you coming here NOW asking this question? Exactly what advice are you seeking here? Your husband did what he wanted without regard for your feelings or wishes, you withstood it and NOW you come and ask what you should do? Do you really not believe that the time to take action was about 5 minutes after he made that stunning announcement about moving his mom is?
"I love him dearly and do not want to leave him, but now I'm at a Crossroads where his selfishness and anger have caused not only me years of problems but our family as well please help me understand what this means" - it means that you are willing to put up with his total disregard and disrespect of you. I think you don't so much need marriage counseling as individual counseling for you to get to the bottom of why you believe that you mean less in this marriage that he does, and why you allow yourself to be a doormat.
You use words like "selfish", "angry", "disrespectful" - yet you "love him dearly". Frankly, he treats you like dirt because you allow him to treat you like dirt, and there's really no incentive for him to change, is there? Even standing outside of the restaurant "crying your eyes out" and "freezing", he still sat in the restaurant, enjoying his dinner, knowing you would come back in to him- and you did exactly that.
The question you ought to be asking yourself is why you have put up this behavior for as long as you have.
No one deserves to be treated this way; BUT the only one who can ensure you won't be treated that way is YOU by refusing to put up with it any longer. How you go about doing that is really up to you.
I sincerely wish you luck.
She has come here for our help; who cares that it's late in the game. And this is a more compassionate, wise forum than most. I'm glad she posted. Maybe she just needs to bounce her thoughts off of us. If it helps her, why not?
Most of the posters who say ‘divorce’ haven’t lived through one, certainly not post-retirement. It turns so many things on their head – housing, savings, income, family relationships. You may have a better life, but you may find it destroys whatever was good in this one.
You don’t have a crisis right now. You have time to do some research. Get a clear picture of your joint finances. Find out about pensions and any other income streams. Talk (without being too clear) to the in-laws who you are on good terms with, to see if you will still be ‘friends’ if your marriage ends. Do the same with friends who you value and who are part of a couple or a social scene that involves your husband.
Then go and see a lawyer, partly to see if your research is accurate – you may have got some things wrong. If you decide to go ahead, take half the balance out of any joint account, and put it into a new account in your sole name. This is really important – stripping the joint account totally is a well-known tactic that your husband could certainly use, immediately you bring up the idea of splitting.
The other advantage of taking time for research (rather than a fight) is that it is not a great idea to make major life-changing decisions when you are still recovering from something as stressful and upsetting as your MIL’s death following the previous 5 years of resentment. Be clever! Best wishes, Margaret
Follow Margaret's advice and get your ducks in a row regarding finances. You can always consult an attorney to see what the advise without going forward yet with any divorce proceedings.
Really, you have two options: Be strong alone or be strong with someone who doesn't care about you and won't accept you being strong and will try to weaken you.
Either way, BE STRONG.
The advice from Margaret is golden and you should seriously follow that lead.
You need personal counseling to build your self esteem and recover your personal sense of worth. Also, move swiftly to separate your finances, moving half of everything into your own account to which he has no access.
I would get a calendar and rebuild the 5 year timeline of care you provided to your MIL and seek legal counsel on whether the care you provided can be made a claim on your MIL's estate; you may need that money to rebuild your life if you decide on divorce.
I personally would have left after the restaurant scene, but that's just me.
You have to decide if living as your husband's doormat for any longer is all that you can hope for in this life. He will never change and never respected you. How do you feel about remaining single or re-entering the 'dating' scene and seeking a life partner who values you? It's a role of the dice on ever finding a good man, but it's possible.
How would your family res[pond to your divorce, if they truly understood the depth of your despair in this marriage? You have a lot of family and social relationships to explore so that you know who you can count on for emotional support.
The first thing is to get some counseling so that you understand your worth and fully explore what may lie ahead for you, if divorce becomes your sole option.
I wish you strength and clarity.
It means - all the things you've already acknowledged - he's selfish - he used you - he's shown zero respect for your feelings, for your time - and failed to express any respect for the marriage. You said that "you love him dearly." Well, it sounds like you love him way more than you love yourself - or respect yourself.
Maybe all the feelings you've suppressed these years are now surfacing. You may be too close to the situation to realize that you deserve a whole lot more than the treatment your husband is giving you. Even now - after all you've sacrificed to take care of his mother - and he still refuses to go to therapy? He still shows a complete lack of respect to you - no appreciation or regard. And, if you didn't take a stand years ago, then he doesn't see you doing it now...and his behavior just remains the same.
I hope you can focus on healing yourself in therapy - and in building yourself up and becoming more independent - and not settle in a relationship without your needs being met. And, is your husband even the type of person who will ever change - and put your well-being into account?
I think you need some distance from your marriage to see things more clearly - and to strengthen. And, if you are the only person trying to salvage your marriage and all your husband does is give "excuses" not to go to counselling, then it's time to put your energies into building your own happiness. You deserve better.
In the interim, if she is already in, you can go radical. Go on a protest and do not lift a finger. No explanations. Do not include her in cooking dinners. Prepare 2 meals only. If hubby complains, no explanations except something simple: she is his houseguest and not yours. Let him do diaper duty.
A reply dated NOVEMBER 2022 indicated that MIL has died so that this post is no longer relevant,. (at least to Ignored911)
Anyone else that has the same problem should read replies for info and post your own question.
Hope it got resolved.
"he expected me.."
'Expected'. He needs to reflect on this word. It is not a commandment.
Your husband has a wake up call coming. A big loud one.
Start the noise.
Be ignored NO MORE!